QUODLIBET- 


QUODLIBET: 

CONTAINING 

SOME  ANNALS  THEREOF, 


WITH  AN 


AUTHENTIC  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  ORIGIN  AND  GROWTH 
OF  THE  BOROUGH 


AND 

THE  SAYINGS  AND  DOINGS  OF  SUNDRY  OF  THE  TOWNSPEOPLE; 

INTERSPERSED  WITH 

SKETCHES  OF  THE  MOST  REMARKABLE  AND  DISTINGUISHED 
CHARACTERS  OF  THAT  PLACE  AND  ITS  VICINITY. 

EDITED  BY 

SOLOMON  SECONDTHOUGHTS,  SCHOOLMASTER, 


FROM  ORIGINAL  MSS.  INDITED  BY  HIM, 

AND  NOW  MADE  PUBLIC  AT  THE  REQUEST  AND  UNDER  THE  PATRONAGE 
OF 

THE  GREAT  NEW  LIGHT  DEMOCRATIC  CENTRAL  COMMITTEE  OF 
QUODLIBET. 


Maxima  de  nihilo  nascitur  historia.— Propertius. 


PHILADELPHIA: 

LEA    &    BLANC  HARD. 

1840. 


Entered  according  to  act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1840, 

BY  LEA  &  BLANCHARD, 

In  the  office  of  the  Clerk  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Eastern  District 
of  Pennsylvania. 


T.  K.  &  P.  O.  COLLINS,  PRINTERS. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

INTRODUCTION, -       *       - 

CHAP.  I.  Antiquities  of  duodlibet.  Michael  Grant's  tan- 
yard  destroyed  by  the  Canal.  Consequences  of  this 
event.  Two  distinguished  individuals  take  up  their  re 
sidence  in  the  Borough.  Establishment  of  the  Patriotic 
Copper-Plate  Bank.  Circumstances  which  led  to,  and 
followed  that  measure.  Michael  Grant's  objections  to  it.  25 

CHAP.  II.  Great  usefulness  of  the  Bank.  Surprising  Growth 
of  duodlibet.  Some  account  of  the  Hon.  Middieton 
Flam.  Origin  of  his  Democracy.  His  logical  argu 
ment  in  favor  of  the  pocketing  of  the  Bill  to  repeal  the 
Specie  Circular.  The  Democratic  principle  as  develop 
ed  in  the  Representative  System,  -  -  -  .iMV  43 

CHAP.  III.  Further  Discourse  relating  to  the  Hon.  Middieton 
Flam.  Correction  in  the  Orthography  of  his  Family 
Seat.  His  Respect  for  the  People.  Very  original  views 
entertained  by  him  on  this  Subject.  His  liberality  in 
money  matters.  Aversion  to  the  law  regarding  interest. 
Democratic  view  of  that  question.  His  encouragement 
of  Industry  and  the  Working  People.  Ingenious  and 
profound  illustration  of  the  Great  Democratic  Principle,  57 
1* 


101773 


VI  TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

CHAP.  IV.  The  Second  Era.  Population  of  duodlibet.  In 
crease  unparalleled  in  Ancient  Cities:  equalled  only  by 
Milwaukie,  &c.  Success  of  The  Bank.  Attack  upon  it 
in  Congress.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam's  triumphant 
vindication.  Sketch  of  his  celebrated  Speech  before  the 
New  Lights.  Inimitable  irony  on  the  Divorce  of  Gov 
ernment  and  Bank.  Merited  compliment  to  the  head  of 
Mr.  Woodbury.  That  distinguished  Gentleman's  opi 
nions,  >.-..-  - 66 

CHAP.  V.  Excitement  produced  by  The  Thoroughblue 
"Whole  Team.  Meeting  of  The  New  Light.  Jesse 
Ferret's  ambidexterity.  Introduction  of  Eliphalet  Fox 
to  the  Club.  His  exposition  of  principles.  Establish 
ment  of  The  duodlibet  Whole  Hog,  ...  75 

CHAP.  VI.  Being  a  short  history  of  Eliphalet  Fox,         -  82 

CHAP.  VII.  Astounding  Event:  Suspension  of  Specie  Pay 
ments.  Proceedings  of  The  Bank  of  duodlibet  there 
upon.  Resolve  of  the  Directors  against  Suspension. 
Conspiracy  and  threatened  Revolution  headed  by  Flan 
Sucker.  Directors  change  their  mind.  Their  conster 
nation  and  escape.  Remarkable  bravery  and  presence  of 
mind  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  His  splendid  appeal 
to  the  insurgents.  General  Jackson's  oracular  views  in 
regard  to  the  Suspension.  -  87 

CHAP.  VIII.  Signs  of  discord  in  duodlibet.  The  Iron  Rail 
ing  Controversy.  Agamemnon  Flag's  nomination.  Re 
volt  of  Theodore  Fog.  The  celebrated  Split.  Conse 
quences  of  Jesse  Ferret's  pernicious  dogma  in  reference 
to  publicans.  First  fruits  of  the  Split  manifested  at  Mrs. 
Ferret's  tea  drinking.  Grave  reflections  by  the  author. 
Moral. 98 

CHAP.  IX.  Great  meeting  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Some 
description  of  the  arrangements.  Nicodemus  Handy 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS.  Vll 

PAGE 

chosen  to  preside  on  this  occasion.  Motion  to  that  effect 
by  Mr.  Snuffers.  This  worthy  gentleman's  misfortune. 
His  escape.  Successful  organization  of  the  meeting,  109 

CHAP.  X.  Scenes  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Nicodemus 
Handy 's  speech  as  President.  Sketch  of  Andrew  Grant's 
speech.  Agamemnon  Flag's.  Attempts  at  interruption. 
Theodore  Fog's  celebrated  speech  on  this  occasion.  Elo 
quent  exposition  of  principles.  His  triumph.  His  mis 
fortunes.  Cluipes' disappointment  of  his  friends,  118 

CHAP.  XI.  The  division  of  the  Party  becomes  more  distinct. 
Admirable  address  of  Eliphalet  Fox  at  this  juncture. 
Result  of  the  election.  Rejoicing  of  the  True  Grits. 
Jesse  Ferret's  difficulties.  Is  taken  to  task  by  his  dame. 
Candid  avowal  of  his  embarrassments.  Theodore  Fog's 
exposition  of  True  Grit  principles.  His  good  natured 
encouragement  of  Jesse  Ferret.  Dabbs's  treat.  -  135 

CHAP.  XII.  Third  Era.  Divisions  in  Gluodlibet  continue. 
Fomented  by  the  women.  Fog  rather  disappoints  his 
friends  by  his  course  in  the  Legislature.  Prostration  of 
business  in  the  Borough.  Traced  to  the  merchants. 
Mr.  Flam's  opinion  of  them,  and  the  consequence  there 
of.  Indignation  of  The  New  Lights  against  them. 
Fog's  eulogium  upon  them.  Movements  of  The  True 
Grits.  Fox's  skilful  management.  The  Tigertail  af 
fair.  Mysterious  termination  of  it.  Nim  Porter's  in 
discretion.  ,,;*>  .-<'^r*;'  *ai 154 

CHAP.  XIII.  A  political  discussion  at  Abel  Brawn's  shop. 
Abel's  views  of  The  Sub  Treasury.  Important  commu 
nication  made  by  Theodore  Fog.  The  New  Lights  take 
ground  against  The  Banks.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam 
resigns  the  Presidency  of  The  Copper-Plate  Bank. 
Snuffers  aspires  to  the  succession.  ...  165 

CHAP.  XIV.  Letter  from  Amos  Kendall  to  Mr.  Flam.    Di- 


Viii  TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

rections  to  the  Democracy.  Mr.  Kendall's  mode  of  pro 
ducing  an  impression.  The  President's  determination 
in  regard  to  The  Independent  Treasury.  Warning  to 
deserters.  Candidates  for  Mr.  Flam's  place  in  the  Bank. 
Hardbottle  elected.  Theodore  Fog's  outbreak.  He  cools 
down  and  stands  upon  principle.  Hardbottle  unpopular,  176 

CHAP.  XV.  Unhappy  event  in  the  life  of  Nicodemus  Handy. 
Consternation  at  duodlibet.  Disasters  amongst  the  Di 
rectors.  Explosion  of  The  Bank.  Conversation  be 
tween  Theodore  Fog  and  Mr.  Grant.  Fog's  views  of 
the  question  of  distress.  Compliment  to  Jesse  Ferret.  182 

CHAP.  XVI.  A  rapid  review  of  one  year.  What  the  author 
is  compelled  to  pretermit.  The  President's  "  Sober  Se- 
condthought"  message  received  at  Quodlibet  with  great 
rejoicing.  The  author  communes  with  his  reader  touch 
ing  New  Light  principles.  Illustrations  of  them.  Re 
markable  dexterity  of  Mr.  Woodbury.  Interesting  let 
ter  from  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam.  Dawning  of  The 
Presidential  Canvass.  The  Northern  Man  with  South 
ern  principles  and  his  Mannikin,  -  193 

CHAP.  XVII.  Fourth  Era.  The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  re- 
elected.  The  New  Lights  determine  to  stigmatise  The 
Whigs  as  Federalists.  Savage  assault  upon  Mr.  Flam 
by  "The  Whole  Team"  in  consequence.  That  great 
man's  instructions  in  regard  to  the  Presidential  Canvass. 
Nomination  of  Harrison  and  Tyler.  Course  of  The 
New  Lights.  Formation  of  The  Grand  Central  Com 
mittee  of  Unflinching  New  Light  duodlibetarian  De 
mocrats.  Its  President,  Secretary  and  place  of  meeting,  203 

CHAP.  XVIII.  Proceedings  of  the  Grand  Central  Committee. 
Vindication  of  the  severity  practised  against  General 
Harrison.  Tactics  of  The  New  Lights.  Abolitionism. 
Selling  White  Men  for  debt.  Harrison  a  Coward. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS.  IX 

PAGE 

Considerations  which  led  to  the  naming  of  the  opposition 
British  Whigs.  Stratagem  against  Harrison  and  the 
clamor  against  him  for  not  answering.  Hopes  of  The 
New  Lights  confirmed  by  the  Connecticut,  Rhode  Is 
land  and  Virginia  elections.  Baltimore  Convention  a 
failure.  Important  letter  from  Mr.  Flam.  Amos  Ken 
dall's  purpose  to  resign.  Excitement  of  composition  pre 
scribed  by  his  physician.  Central  Committee  sanction 
the  compilation  of  these  annals.  -  -  -  -  212 

CHAP.  XIX.  Deserved  compliment  on  Mr.  Van  Buren's 
exploit  of  the  Florida  War.  The  affair  of  the  True 
Grits  and  Sergeant  Trap.  True  Grits  suffer  a  defeat. 
Flan.  Sucker's  opinion  upon  the  subject.  His  account  of 
an  action  at  law  between  Joe  Snare  and  Ike  Swingletree,  220 

CHAP.  XX.  These  Chronicles  draw  to  a  close.  The  New 
Lights  not  displeased  with  Eliphalet  Fox's  discomfiture. 
Unlucky  mistake  of  a  Pennsylvania  Senator.  Cured  by 
a  Toast.  Passage  of  the  Independent  Treasury  Bill, 
and  rejoicing  thereon  in  duodlibet.  Changes.  Interest 
ing  letter  from  the  Dibble  family.  Mr.  Flam  returns  to 
duodlibet.  His  views  of  the  Canvass.  Mr.  Van  Bu 
ren's  New  Light  principles  illustrated  by  sundry  letters. 
His  reliance  on  the  Intelligence  of  the  People.  Fede 
ralism,  Ignominy  and  Insult.  Elections  in  Kentucky, 
Indiana  and  North  Carolina.  Alabama,  Missouri  and 
Illinois,  -  -  '.  •  V  '.'  ....  -  231 


INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS  AND  OTHERS 
NOTED  IN  THIS  HISTORY. 


NEW  LIGHT  QUODLIBETARIAN  DEMOCRATS. 

THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM.— Head  of  The  New  Lights,  Re 
presentative  of  the  district  in  Congress,  President 
of  The  Copper  Plate  Bank,  intimate  with  the 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  an  orator,  a  philoso 
pher,  and  a  man  of  large  estate. 

NICODEMUS  HANDY. — Projector  of  the  Copper  Plate  Bank, 
Cashier  of  the  same,  aud  some  time  second  in 
command  of  The  New  Lights. 

SIMON  SNUFFERS. — Superintendant  of  The  Hay  Scales,  and 
President  of  The  New  Light  Club. 

NATHANIEL  DOUBLEDAY.— Clerk  of  The  Court  and  Vice  of  The 
Club. 

S.  S.— Author  and  editor  of  this  History,  Principal  of  the  Dis 
trict  School,  honorary  member  of  several  Literary 
Societies,  and  Secretary  no  less  to  The  New 
Light  Club  than  to  The  Grand  Central  Committee 
of  Unflinching  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  Demo 
crats — quorum  magna  pars  fui. 


Xli  INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  &C. 

AGAMEMNON  FLAG. — Attorney  at  Law,  formerly  of  Bickerbray. 
At  one  time  the  Regular  Nomination  Candidate. 
Disposed  to  be  in  love  with  Miss  Handy. 
JACOB  BARNDOLLAR. — Son-in-law  of  Jesse  Ferret — of  the  firm  of 
Barndollar  &  Hardbottle,  Forwarding  and  Com 
mission  Merchants. 

ANTHONY  HARDBOTTLE. — Counterpart  in  said  firm.  Elected 
President  of  The  Bank  upon  the  resignation  of 
Mr.  Flam. 

ZACHARY  YOUNGHUSBAND. — Post  Master  of  Quodlibet,  Tin 
Plate  Worker,  and  Member  of  The  Grand  Cen 
tral  Committee. 

THEODORE  FOG. — Attorney  at  Law.  At  one  time  Director  of 
The  Bank,  but  compelled  to  resign  on  account  of 
his  habits.  Independent  Candidate  against  Aga 
memnon  Flag — member  of  the  Legislature — a  dis 
tinguished  popular  orator,  and  original  founder  of 
that  branch  of  The  New  Lights  known  by  the 
name  of  The  True  Grits. 

DR.  THOMAS  G.  WINKLEMAN. — Druggist,  and  Soda  Water  Pa 
vilion  Keeper,  Physician  in  ordinary  to  The  True 
Grits,  and  a  man  of  great  influence  in  that  sect. 
Coroner  of  the  County,  contractor  for  the  supply 
of  medicines  to  The  Aims-House,  and  ready  to 
take  any  other  office  which  might  be  vacant. 
NIMROD  PORTER. — Bar-keeper  at  The  Hero,  fond  of  betting,  fa 
mous  for  trotting  horses.  A  True  Grit,  but  well 
inclined  to  The  Mandarins. 

ELIPHALET  Fox — Formerly  editor  of  "  The  Gabwrangle  Gri 
malkin,"  but,  through  the  Influence  of  Mr.  Flam, 
transferred  to  "The  Quodlibet  Whole  Hog,"— 


INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  &C.  Xlii 

an  expectant  of  the  Marshal's  place,  but  disap 
pointed.     The  Orderly  of  the  True  Grits. 

DABBS. — His  Compositor. 

NEAL  HOPPER. — The  Miller  in  Christy  M'Curdy's  mill. 

SAMUEL  PIVOT. — The  County  Assessor. 

THOMAS  CROP. — Constable  of  The  Borough  and  an  aspi 
rant  to  The  Sheriffalty. 

WTILLIAM  GOODLACK. — Merchant  Tailor  and  seller  of  ready 
made  clothes. 

MAGNUS  MOREHEAD. — Shoemaker,  and  looking  to  be  made 
clerk  to  the  Marshal  in  place  of  Washing 
ton  Cutbush. 

SIMPSON  TRAVERS. — Keeper  of  The  Refectory  at  the  lower 
end  of  The  Canal  Basin,  and  expecting  to 


have  the  exclusive  supply  of  liquors  to  The 
Recruiting  Station. 
SANDY   BUTTERCROP. — Express   rider,   message    carrier, 


a; 
.•5 


baggage  porter,  and  of  sundry  other  acci 

dental  occupations— promised  Corney  Dust's       c^ 

place,  the  Marshal's  porter. 
FLAN  SUCKER. — A  distinguished  loafer,  a  great  admirer  of 

Theodore  Fog,  and  a  regular  attendant  on 

public  meetings. 
BEN  INKY,  ^ 

JEFF  DRINKER,      V  Friends  and  followers  of  Flan  Sucker. 
MORE  M'NULTY,  j 


FEROX  TIGERTAIL. — Marshal  of  The  District,  resident  in  Bick- 
erbray,  an  old  Federalist,  but  reformed  into  a  New 
Light  Democrat:  choleric,  and  difficult  to  keep 
in  harness. 

WASHINGTON  CUTBUSH. — His  clerk,  suspected  of  having  an 

opinion  of  his  own  in  politics. 
2 


Xiv  INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  &C. 

CORNEY  DUST. — His  porter,  charged  with  being  lukewarm,  and 
attending  to  nothing  but  his  office. 

VIRGIL  PHILPOT. — Editor  of  The  Bickerbray  Scrutinizer,  an 
out-and-out  friend  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam. 

ABRAM  SCHOOLCRAFT. — Nurseryman  in  Bickerbray,  Member  of 
the  Legislature. 

CURTIUS  SHORT. — Cheap  Store  Keeper  in  Tumbledown,  Mem 
ber  of  the  Legislature. 

GALE  GOODFELLOW. — Sportsman,  Farobanker,  &c.,  of  Tumble 
down,  and  entirely  devoted  to  Theodore  Fog. 

WHIGS. 

MICHAEL  GRANT. — Formerly  a  tanner  occupying  the  land  on 
which  Quodlibet  was  built.  Having  amassed  an 
independence,  he  has  retired  to  his  farm  at  the 
foot  of  The  Hog  Back,  where  he  lives  surround 
ed  by  his  four  sons. 

ANDREW  GRANT. — His  youngest  son,  educated  to  the  Engineer 
service,  but  preferring  to  be  at  home,  married  the 
daughter  of  Stephen  P.  Crabstock,  and  lives  near 
The  Hog  Back. 

ABEL  BRAWN. — A  substantial  blacksmith,  but  unfortunately  in 
fected  with  Whig  principles — a  matter  of  great 
regret  to  his  friends  amongst  The  New  Lights. 

DAVY  POST. — Wheelwright. 

GEOFFRY  WHEELER.— Teamster. 

PETER  OUNCE. — Keeper  of  The  Boatman's  Hotel  on  the  Canal 

STEPHEN  P.  CRABSTOCK. — Iron  Master  and  proprietor  of  the 
Hog  Back  Furnace— a  man  who  in  spite  of  his 
adherence  to  the  dangerous  doctrines  of  The 
Whigs,  has  arisen  from  poverty  to  wealth  by  his 
own  exertions. 


INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  (fee.  XV 

AUGUSTUS  POSTLETHWAITE  TOMPKINSON. — Editor  of  The  Tho 
rough  Blue  Whole  Team — a  paper  characterised 
by  its  mendacity,  its  ferocity  and  utter  disregard 
of  the  feelings  of  the  purest  New  Lights  in  the 
nation.  A  bitter  enemy  of  the  Hon.  Middleton 
Flam,  and  having  the  audacity  to  speak  lightly  of 
The  President  of  The  United  States. 

JOHN  SMITH. — A  gentleman  generally  known  throughout  the 
Union,  and  several  times  run  for  Congress. 

OF  DOUBTFUL  POLITICS. 

JESSE  FERRET.— Innkeeper  and  proprietor  of  The  Hero — a  cau 
tious  man,  and  somewhat  afraid  of  his  wife. 

SAM.  HARDESTY. — Carpenter,  so  much  under  the  weather  as  to 
have  had  no  time  to  make  up  his  mind,  notwith 
standing  Mr.  Flam's  generosity  towards  him. 

QUIPES. — House  and  sign,  plain  and  ornamental  painter,  gla 
zier,  and  artist  in  the  Portrait  and  Landscape 
line. 

NICHOLAS  HARDUP. — Cattle  dealer,  a  borrower  of  money  from 
Mr.  Flam,  and,  strange  to  tell,  not  yet  satisfacto 
rily  settled  in  his  opinions. 

ISAIAH  CRAPE. — Undertaker  and  conductor  of  funerals— Cabinet 
and  Furnishing  storekeeper. 

SERGEANT  TRAP. — On  the  recruiting  service  at  Quodlibet. 

His  DRUMMER. — A  short  and  ferocious  martialist. 

CHARLEY  MOGGS. — Boss  loafer  of  Bickerbray,  and  promoted  in 
the  army  as  Sergeant  Trap's  fifer. 

WOMEN. 

MRS.  MIDDLETON  FLAM. — Lady  of  our  member,  and  mother  of 
a  large  family. 


XVI  INTERLOCUTORS,  ACTORS,  &C. 

Miss  JANET  FLAM. — Sister  of  Mr.  Middleton. 

MADAMOISELLE  JONQUILLE. — French  Governess  to  the  Misses 
Flam. 

POLLY  FERRET. — Commander  in  Chief  of  all  the  forces  of  The 
Hero. 

SUSAN  BARNDOLLAR. — Her  daughter,  wife  of  Barndollar  &  Hard- 
bottle,  and  remarkable  for  having  her  own  opinion. 

MRS.  YOUNGHUSBAND. — The  Post  Master's  lady. 

MRS.  SNUFFERS. — Lady  of  the  Superintendant  of  the  Hay  Scales, 
a  woman  of  great  consideration  in  The  Borough. 

HESTER  HARDBOTTLE. — Maiden  sister  to  Anthony  Hardbottle. 

MRS.  HANDY. — Lady  of  The  Cashier,  and  leader  of  the  fashion 
in  Quodlibet. 

HENRIETTA  HANDY. — Her  daughter — supposed  to  have  been  fa 
vorably  impressed  by  Mr.  Agamemnon  Flag. 

MRS.  TROTTER. — Mrs.  Handy's  housekeeper. 


SERVANTS,  &c. — Sam,  the  waiter;  William,  the  footman;  Nace, 
the  coachman;  and  Sarah,  the  maid,  in  Mr.  Han 
dy's  service.  Black  Isaac,  Kent  bugle  player; 
Yellow  Josh,  clarionet — Cicero,  Neal  Hopper's 
factotum.  Billy  Spike,  Abel  Brawn's  fly-flapper, 
&c.,  &c. 


INTRODUCTION. 


FRIENDLY  READER: — 

OF  a  truth,  we  are  a  great  people! — and  most 
happy  am  I,  Solomon  Secondthoughts,  Schoolmaster 
of  the  Borough  of  Quodlibet,  that  it  hath  fallen  to 
my  lot,  even  in  my  small  way,  to  make  known  to 
you  how  in  our  Borough  that  greatness  hath  grown 
towards  its  perfect  maturity ; — feeling  persuaded  that 
Quodlibet  therein  is  but  an  abstract  or  miniature  por 
trait  of  this  nation.  Happy  am  I,  although  sorely 
oppressed  with  an  inward  perception  of  my  defective 
craft  in  this  most  worthy  task,  that  I  have  been 
thought  by  our  Central  Committee  a  fit  expounder  of 
that  history  wherein  is  enchrysalized  (if  I  may  be 
allowed  to  draw  a  word,  parce  detortum,  from  the 
Greek  mint)  the  most  veritable  essence  of  that  re 
cently  discovered  Democratic  theory,  for  distinction 
called  the  Quodlibetarian,  which  is  destined  to  sup- 
2* 


XV111  INTRODUCTION. 

plant  all  other  principles  in  our  government  and  to 
render  us  the  most  formidable  and  the  most  imposing 
people  upon  the  terraqueous  globe. 

How  it  came  to  pass  that  this  duty  has  been  com 
mitted  to  my  hands,  you  shall  learn. 

In  the  days  of  the  late  Judge  Flam,  now  thirty 
years  gone  by,  and  long  before  Quodlibet  was,  that 
very  considerate  and  astute  gentleman  honored  me, 
a  poor  and  youthful  scholar,  with  a  promotion  to  the 
office  of  private  tutor  in  his  family  then  residing  at 
their  ancient  seat  in  this  neighborhood.  It  was  my 
especial  duty,  in  this  station,  to  prepare  Master  Mid- 
dleton,  the  eldest  born,  for  college;  which  in  three 
years  of  assiduous  labor  was  achieved,  much  to  my 
content,  and  I  need  not  scruple  to  affirm,  no  less  to 
my  honor,  seeing  how  notably  my  pupil  has  since 
figured  in  high  places  amongst  the  salt  of  the  nation. 
Far  be  it  from  me  to  take  an  undue  share  of  desert 
for  this  consummation :  it  would  be  disingenuous  not 
to  say  that  my  pupil's  liberal  endowments  at  the 
hand  of  Nature  herself,  rendered  my  task  easy  of 
success. 

By  the  aid  of  my  early  patron  the  judge,  whose 
memory  will  long  be  embalmed  in  the  unction  of  my 
gratitude,  I  became,  after  Master  Middleton  was 
passed  from  under  my  care,  the  head  of  our  district 
school,  which  at  first  was  established  in  that  lowly 


INTRODUCTION.  XIX 

log  building  under  the  big  chestnut  upon  the  Rumble- 
bottom,  about  fifty  rods  south  of  Christy  M'Curdy's 
mill ;  which  tenement  is  yet  to  be  seen,  although  in  a 
melancholy  state  of  desolation,  the  roof  thereof  hav 
ing  been  blown  away  in  the  famous  hurricane  of 
August  1836,  just  two  years  and  ten  months  after  the 
Removal  of  the  Deposites.  This  unfortunate  event, 
— I  mean  the  blowing  off  of  the  roof — it  was  the 
mercy  of  Providence  to  delay  for  the  term  of  one 
year  and  a  fraction  of  a  month  after  I  had  removed 
into  the  new  academy  which  my  former  pupil,  and 
now,  in  lineal  succession  to  his  lamented  parent  the 
Judge,  my  second  patron,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam, 
had  procured  to  be  erected  for  my  better  accommoda 
tion  in  the  Borough  of  Quodlibet.  Had  my  removal 
been  delayed,  or  the  hurricane  have  risen  thirteen 
months  sooner  than  it  did — who  shall  tell  what 
mourning  it  might  not  have  spread  through  our 
county  side; — who  shall  venture  to  say  that  Quodlibet 
might  not  have  been  to-day  without  a  chronicler  ? 

This  long  inhabiting  of  mine  in  these  parts  has 
afforded  me  all  desirable  opportunities  to  note  the 
growth  of  the  region,  and  especially  to  mark  out  the 
beginnings,  the  progression,  and  the  sudden  magnify 
ing  of  our  Borough:  and  being  a  man — I  speak  it 
not  vaingloriously — of  an  inquiring  turn,  and  strong 
ly  gifted,  as  our  people  of  Quodlibet  are  pleased  to 


XX  INTRODUCTION. 

allow,  with  the  perfection  of  setting  down  my  thoughts 
in  writing ;  and  having  that  essential  requisite  of  the 
historian,  an  ardent  and  unquenchable  love  of  my 
subject,  it  has  ever  been  my  custom  to  put  into  my 
tablets  whatsoever  I  have  deemed  noteworthy  in  the 
events  and  opinions  of  my  day,  accompanied  by  such 
reflections  thereon  as  my  subject  might  be  found  to 
invite.  Some  of  these  memorabilia,  with  discourses 
pertinent  to  the  same,  have  I  from  time  to  time,  dis 
trustfully  and  with  the  proper  timidity  of  authorship, 
ventured  to  contribute  to  our  newspaper,  and  thereby 
has  my  secret  vanity  been  regaled  by  seeing  myself 
in  print.  By  what  token,  I  have  not  yet  ascertained, 
but  these  lucubrations  of  mine  were  not  long  ago 
discovered  to  our  "  Grand  Central  Committee  of  Un 
flinching  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  Democrats," 
who  have  been  charged  with  the  arduous  duty  of 
maintaining  the  integrity  of  the  Party  in  the  present 
alarming  crisis,  and  of  promoting,  by  all  means  in 
their  power,  the  indefeasible,  unquestionable  and  per 
petual  right  of  succession  to  the  Presidential  Chair, 
claimed  by  and  asserted  for  the  candidate  of  the  great, 
unterrified,  New  Democratic  school  of  patriotic  de 
fenders  of  the  spoils.  This  Central  Committee  now 
hold  their  sessions  weekly  in  Quodlibet — and  having 
discovered  my  hand  in  the  lucubrations  to  which  I 
have  alluded  above,  they  have  been  pleased  to  ex- 


INTRODUCTION.  XXI 

press  a  favorable  opinion  thereon;  and,  as  a  sequence 
thereto,  it  has  occurred  to  them  to  fancy  that  my  poor 
labors  being  duly  given  to  the  compiling  of  such  a 
history,  as  my  tablets  might  afford,  of  the  rise  and 
progress  of  the  New  Democratic  principle  in  Quod- 
libet,  the  same  would  greatly  redound  to  the  advan 
tage  of  the  cause  in  the  present  great  struggle.  Act 
ing  upon  this  suggestion,  the  Grand  Central  Committee 
have  honored  me  with  a  request  to  throw  into  such 
shape  as  I  might  deem  best,  these  scattered  records  of 
opinion  and  chronicles  of  fact,  whereof  I  was  sup 
posed  to  have  a  rich  magazine. 

Readily  and  cheerfully  have  I  acceded  to  this 
request ;  and  with  the  more  relish,  as  I  shall  thus  be 
furnished  with  an  authentic  occasion  to  present  to 
the  world  the  many  valuable  thoughts  and  eloquent 
utterings  of  my  late  distinguished  pupil  and  now 
beneficent  patron  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  Esq., 
long  a  representative  of  this  Borough  and  the  adjacent 
district  in  the  Congress  of  the  United  States. 

I  pretend  to  no  greater  merit  in  this  execution  of 
my  task  than  what  an  impartial  spirit  of  investigation, 
a  long  acquaintance  with  persons  of  every  degree 
connected  with  this  history,  an  apt  judgment  in  dis 
criminating  between  opinions,  a  most  faithful  and 
abundant  memory,  a  careful  store  of  documentary 
evidence,  an  unalterable  devotion  to  the  great  prin- 


XX11  INTRODUCTION. 

ciples  of  Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  and,  for  the  ex 
pounding  of  all,  a  lucid  and  felicitous  style,  may  allow 
me  to  claim  as  the  chronicler  of  this  Borough. 

The  better  to  assure  you,  my  friendly  reader,  that, 
in  temper  and  condition,  I  may  demand  somewhat  of 
the  confidence  due  to  the  character  of  a  dispassionate 
commentator  on  the  times,  I  would  have  you  under 
stand  that  I  am  now  on  the  shady  side  of  sixty,  un 
married,  and  in  possession  of  an  easy  revenue  of  four 
hundred  dollars  per  annum,  which  is  voted  to  me  by 
our  commissioners,  for  instructing  in  their  rudiments, 
thirty-seven  children  of  both  sexes:  that  I  have  a 
plate  at  the  table  of  my  patron,  the  Hon.  Middleton 
Flam  my  former  pupil,  every  Sunday  at  dinner ;  and 
that  he,  being  aware  for  some  time  past  x>f  my  pur 
pose  to  treasure  up  his  remarkable  sayings  has,  with 
a  generous  freedom,  often  repeated  to  me  many  opin 
ions  which  otherwise  would  have  been  irretrievably 
lost.  Moreover,  since  I  am  now  brought  before  the 
public  under  circumstances  in  which  reserve  on  my 
part  would  be  no  better  than  affectation,  I  would 
also  advertise  my  indulgent  reader  of  the  fact,  that  I 
belong  to  the  Quodlibetarian  New  Light  Club,  where 
of  I  sometime  officiated  as  Secretary,  and  which  club 
generally  meets  on  Saturday  night  at  Ferret's :  that 
the  members  of  the  same,  noting  my  staidness  of  de 
portment  and  the  careful  deliberation  with  which  I 


INTRODUCTION. 

guard  myself  in  the  utterance  of  any  discourse,  do 
frequent  honor  to  the  temperance  of  my  judgment 
by  making  me  the  arbiter  of  such  casual  controver 
sies  as  arise  therein,  touching  the  true  import  and 
application  of  the  principles  of  our  New  Light  De 
mocracy:  and — if  I  run  no  risk  of  being  charged 
with  offering  a  trivial  evidence  of  the  reputation  I 
have  earned  in  the  club — I  would  also  mention,  that 
some  of  our  light  wags  have  gone  so  far — facetiously 
and  with  a  commendable  good  nature,  knowing  that 
I  would  not  take  it  ill,  as  more  peevish  men  might, 
in  their  jocular  pleasantry — as  to  call  me,  in  allusion 
to  my  natural  sedateness,  SOBER  SECONDTHOUGHTS — 
the  rogues ! 

And  now,  amiable  and  considerate  reader,  you 
have  "ab  imo  pectore"  my  honest  avouch  for  what  I 
propose  to  lay  before  you,  and  a  plain  confession  of 
my  weaknesses.  I  come  with  a  clean  breast  to  the 
confessional.  We  shall  have  a  frugal  banquet  of  it, 
but  the  fruits,  I  make  bold  to  promise,  shall  be  whole 
some  and  of  the  best.  Now  turn  we  to  it  in  good 
earnest.  If  this  little  chronicle — for  my  book  shall 
not  be  overgrown  and  apoplectic,  but  rather,  as  you 
shall  find  it,  "garrulous  and  thin" — do  not  bring  you 
to  a  profound  sense  of  the  value  of  this  Amaranth  of 
Republicanism,  the  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  De 
mocracy,  then  say  it  to  my  teeth,  there  is  no  virtue  in 


XXIV  INTRODUCTION. 

SOBER  SECONDTHOUGHTS. — Go  thy  ways — "The  wise 
man's  eyes  are  in  his  head,  but  the  fool  walketh  in 
darkness." 

S.  S.,  SCHOOLMASTER. 

QUODLIBET,  September  1,  1840. 


QUODLIBET 


CHAPTER  I. 

ANTIQUITIES  OF  QUODLIBET. — MICHAEL  GRANT'S  TANYARD  DESTROYED 
BY  THE  CANAL. — CONSEQUENCES  OF  THIS  EVENT. — TWO  DISTIN 
GUISHED  INDIVIDUALS  TAKE  UP  THEIR  RESIDENCE  IN  THE  BOROUGH. — 
ESTABLISHMENT  OP  THE  PATRIOTIC  COPPERPLATE  BANK. — CIRCUM 
STANCES  WHICH  LED  TO  AND  FOLLOWED  THAT  MEASURE.— MICHAEL 

GRANT'S  OBJECTIONS  TO  IT. 

IT  was  at  the  close  of  the  year  1833 — or  rather,  I  should 
say,  at  the  opening  of  the  following  spring,  that  our  Borough 
of  Quodlibet  took  that  sudden  leap  to  greatness,  which  has, 
of  late,  caused  it  to  be  so  much  talked  about.  Our  folks 
are  accustomed  to  set  this  down  to  the  Removal  of  the  De- 
posites.  Indeed,  until  that  famous  event,  Quodlibet  was, 
as  one  might  say  in  common  parlance,  a  place  not  worth 
talking  about — it  might  hardly  be  remarked  upon  the  maps. 
But  since  that  date,  verily,  like  Jeshurun,  it  has  waxed  fat 
It  has  thus  come  to  pass  that "  The  Removal"  isagreat  epoch 
in  our  annals — our  Hejirah — the  A.  U.  C.  of  all  Quodlibet- 
arians. 

Michael  Grant,  a  long  time  ago — that  is  to  say,  full  twenty 
3 


26  QUODLIBET. 

years — had  a  tanyard  on  Rumblebottom  creek,  occupying 
the  very  ground  which  is  now  covered  by  the  canal  basin. 
Even  as  far  back  as  that  day,  he  had  laid  up,  out  of  the 
earnings  of  his  trade,  a  snug  sum  of  money  which  sufficed 
to  purchase  the  farm  where  he  now  lives  at  the  foot  of  the 
Hogback.  Quodlibet,  or  that  which  now  is  Quodlibet,  was 
then  as  nothing.  Michael's  dwelling  house  and  tanyard, 
Abel  Brawn's  blacksmith  shop,  Christy  M'Curdy's  mill 
and  my  schoolhouse  made  up  the  sum  total  of  the  settle 
ment.  It  is  now  ten  years,  or  hard  on  to  it,  since  the  com 
missioners  came  this  way  and  put  the  cap-sheaf  on  Michael's 
worldly  fortune  by  ruining  his  tanyard  and  breaking  up  his 
business,  whereof  the  damage  was  so  taken  to  heart  by  the 
jury,  that,  in  their  rage  against  internal  improvements,  they 
brought  in  a  verdict  which  doubled  Mr.  Grant's  estate  in 
ready  money,  besides  leaving  him  two  acres  of  town  lots 
bordering  on  the  Basin,  and  which,  they  say,  are  worth 
more  to-day  than  the  whole  tanyard  with  its  appurtenances 
ever  was  worth  in  its  best  time.  This  verdict  wrought  a 
strange  appetite  in  our  county,  amongst  the  landholders,  to 
be  ruined  in  the  same  way ;  and  I  truly  believe  it  was  a 
chief  cause  of  the  unpopularity  of  internal  improvements  in 
this  neighbourhood,  that  the  commissioners  were  only  able 
to  destroy  the  farms  on  the  lowlands — which  fact,  it  was 
said,  brought  down  the  price  of  the  uplands  on  the  whole 
line  of  the  canal,  besides  creating  a  great  deal  of  ill  humor 
amongst  all  who  were  out  of  the  way  of  being  damaged. 

\Vith  the  money  which  this  verdict  brought  him,  Mr. 
Grant  improved  a  part  of  his  two  acres — which  he  was 
persuaded  to  cut  up  into  town  lots — by  building  the  brick 
tavern  and  the  store  that  stands  next  door  to  it.  These 
were  the  first  buildings  of  any  note  in  Quodlibet,  and  are 
generally  supposed  to  have  given  rise  to  the  incorporation 
of  the  Borough  by  the  Legislature.  Jesse  Ferret  took  a  lease 


QUODLIBET.  27 

of  the  tavern  as  soon  as  it  was  finished,  and  set  up  the  sign 
of  "The  Hero" — meaning  thereby  General  Jackson — 
which,  by  the  by,  was  the  first  piece  of  historical  painting 
that  the  celebrated  Quipes  ever  attempted.  The  store  was 
rented  by  Frederick  Barndollar  for  his  son  Jacob,  who  was 
just  then  going  to  marry  Ferret's  daughter  Susan,  and  open 
in  the  Iron  and  Flour  Forwarding  and  Commission  line,  in 
company  with  Anthony  Hardbottle,  his  own  brother-in-law. 

This  was  the  state  of  things  in  Quodlibet  five  years  before 
"The  Removal,"  from  which  period,  up  to  the  date  of  the 
Removal,  although  Barndollar  &  Hardbottle  did  a  tolerable 
business,  and  Ferret  had  a  fair  run  of  custom,  there  were 
not  above  a  dozen  new  tenements  built  in  the  Borough. 
But  a  bright  destiny  was  yet  in  reserve  for  Quodlibet;  and 
as  I  propose  to  unfold  some  incidents  of  its  history  belong 
ing  to  these  later  times,  I  cannot  pretermit  the  opportunity 
now  afforded  me  to  glance,  though  in  a  perfunctory  and 
hasty  fashion,  at  some  striking  events  which  seemed  to  pre- 
signify  and  illustrate  its  marvellously  sudden  growth. 

I  think  it  was  in  the  very  month  of  the  Removal  of  the 
Deposites,  that  Theodore  Fog  broke  up  at  Tumbledown,  on 
the  other  side  of  the  Hog  Back,  and  came  over  to  Quodlibet  to 
practise  law.  And  it  was  looked  upon  as  a  very  notable 
thing,  that,  in  the  course  of  the  following  winter,  Nicode- 
mus  Handy  should  have  also  quitted  Tumbledown  and 
brought  his  sign,  as  a  lottery  agent,  to  Quodlibet,  and  set 
up  that  business  in  our  Borough.  There  was  a  wonderful 
intimacy  struck  up  between  him  and  Fog,  and  a  good  many 
visits  were  made  by  Nicodemus  during  the  fall,  before  he 
came  over  to  settle.  Our  people  marvelled  at  this  matter, 
and  were  not  a  little  puzzled  to  make  out  the  meaning  of  it, 
knowing  that  Nicodemus  Handy  was  a  shrewd  man,  and 
not  likely,  without  some  good  reason  for  it,  to  strike  up  a 
friendship  with  a  person  so  little  given  to  business  as  The- 


28  QUODLIBET. 

odore  Fog — against  whom  I  desire  to  say  nothing,  holding 
his  abilities  in  great  respect,  but  meaning  only  to  infer  that 
as  Theodore  is  considered  high-flown  in  his  speech,  and 
rather  too  fond  of  living  about  Ferret's  bar-room,  it  was 
thought  strange  that  Nicodemus,  who  is  plain  spoken,  and  of 
the  Temperance  principle,  should  have  taken  up  with  him. 
It  was  not  long  after  Mr.  Handy  had  seated  himself  in 
Quodlibet,  and  placed  his  sign  at  the  door  of  a  small  wea 
ther-boarded  office,  ten  feet  by  twelve,  and  within  a  stone 
throw  of  Fog's,  before  the  public  were  favored  with  an  in 
sight  into  the  cause  of  this  intimacy  between  these  two 
friends.  This  was  disclosed  in  a  plan  for  establishing  The 
Patriotic  Copper-Plate  Bank  of  Quodlibet,  the  particulars 
whereof  were  made  known  at  a  meeting  held  in  the  dining 
room  of  "  The  Hero"  one  evening  in  March,  when  Theo 
dore  Fog  made  a  flowery  speech  on  the  subject  to  ten 
persons,  counting  Ferret  and  Nim  Porter  the  bar-keeper. 
The  capital  of  the  bank  was  proposed  to  be  half  a  million, 
and  the  stock  one  hundred  dollars  a  share,  of  which  one 
dollar  was  to  be  paid  in,  and  the  remainder  to  be  secured 
by  promissory  notes  payable  on  demand,  if  convenient. 

This  excellent  scheme  found  many  supporters;  and,  .ac 
cordingly,  when  the  time  came  for  action,  the  whole  amount 
was  subscribed  by  Handy  and  Fog  and  ten  of  their  particu 
lar  friends,  who  had  an  eye  to  being  directors  and  officers 
of  the  bank — to  whom  might  also  be  added  about  thirty  boat 
men,  who,  together  with  the  boys  of  my  academy,  lent 
their  names  to  Mr.  Handy. 

Through  the  liberality  of  Fog,  the  necessary  cash  was 
supplied  out  of  three  hundred  dollars,  the  remains  of  a 
trust  fund  in  his  hands  belonging  to  a  family  of  orphans  in 
the  neighborhood  of  Tumbledown,  who  had  not  yet  had 
occasion  to  know  from  their  attorney,  the  said  Theodore 
Fog  himself,  of  their  success  in  a  cause  relating  tcr  this  fund 


QUODLIBKT.  29 

which  had  been  gained  some  months  before.  As  Nicode- 
mus  managed  the  subscriptions,  which  indeed  he  did  with 
wonderful  skill,  these  three  hundred  dollars  went  a  great 
way  in  making  up  the  payments  on  considerably  more  than 
the  majority  of  the  stock:  and  this  being  adjusted,  he  under 
took  a  visit  to  the  Legislature,  where,  through  the  disinte 
rested  exertions  of  some  staunch  democratic  friends,  he  pro 
cured  a  most  unexceptionable  charter  for  the  bank,  full  of 
all  sorts  of  provisions,  conditions  and  clauses  necessary  to 
enable  it  to  accommodate  the  public  with  as  much  paper 
money  as  the  said  public  could  possibly  desire. 

In  consideration  of  these  great  services,  Nicodemus  Han 
dy  elected  himself  Cashier;  and,  at  the  same  time,  had  well 
nigh  fallen  into  a  quarrel  with  Fog  who  had  set  his  heart 
upon  being  President — which,  in  view  of  the  fact  that  that 
gentleman's  habits  were  somewhat  irregular  after  twelve 
o'clock  in  the  day,  Nicodemus  would  by  no  means  consent 
to.  This  dissention,  however,  was  seemingly  healed,  by 
bringing  in  as  President,  my  worshipful  pupil,  the  honora 
ble  Middleton  Flam,  now  our  member  of  Congress,  and  by 
making  Theodore  one  of  the  directors,  besides  giving  him 
the  law  business  of  the  bank.  It  was  always  thought,  not 
withstanding  Fog  pretended  to  be  satisfied  at  the  time  with 
this  arrangement,  that  it  rankled  in  his  bosom,  and  bred  a 
jealousy  between  him  and  his  associates  in  the  bank,  and 
helped  to  drive  him  to  drinking  faster  than  he  would  natu 
rally  have  done,  if  his  feelings  had  not  been  aggravated  by 
this  act  of  supposed  ingratitude. 

I  should  not  omit  to  mention  that  Nicodemus  Handy  was 
a  man  of  exact  and  scrupulous  circumspection,  and  noted 
for  the  deliberation  with  which  he  weighed  the  consequen 
ces  of  his  actions,  or,  as  the  common  saying  is,  "looked 
before  he  leapt" — a  remarkable  proof  of  which  kind  of  wis 
dom  he  afforded  at  this  time.  Having  been  compelled  by 

3* 


30  QUODLIBET. 

circumstances  to  live  beyond  the  avails  of  his  lottery  busi 
ness,  and  thereby  to  bring  himself  under  some  impracticable 
liabilities,  he  made  it  a  point  of  conscience  before  he  could 
permit  himself  to  be  clothed  with  the  dignity  of  a  cashier, 
or  even  to  place  a  share  of  stock  in  his  own  name  on  the 
books,  to  swear  out  in  open  court,  and  to  surrender,  for  the 
benefit  of  his  numerous  and  patient  creditors,  his  whole 
stock  of  worldly  goods — consisting,  according  to  the  inven 
tory  thereof  on  record,  which  I  have  seen,  of  a  cylindrical 
sheet-iron  stove,  two  chairs,  a  desk  and  a  sign-board,  this 
latter  being,  as  I  remember,  of  the  shape  of  a  screen,  on 
each  leaf  of  which,  "  NICODEMUS  HANDY"  was  printed,  to 
gether  with  the  scheme  of  a  lottery,  set  forth  in  large  red 
and  blue  letters.  He  barely  retained  what  the  law  allowed 
him,  being  his  mere  wearing  apparel;  to  wit,  a  bran  new 
suit  of  black  superfine  Saxony,  one  dozen  of  the  best  cam 
bric  linen  shirts,  as  many  lawn  pocket  handkerchiefs,  white 
kid  gloves,  and  such  other  trivial,  but  gentlemanlike  appur 
tenances  as  denoted  that  extreme  neatness  of  dress  in  which 
Mr.  Handy  has  ever  taken  a  just  pride,  and  which  has  been 
so  often  remarked  by  his  friends  as  one  of  the  strong  points 
in  his  character.  These  articles,  it  was  said,  he  had  pro 
cured  not  more  with  a  provident  eye  to  that  state  of  destitu 
tion,  into  which  the  generous  surrender  of  his  property  was 
about  to  plunge  him,  than  with  a  decent  regard  to  the  re 
spectability  of  appearance  which  the  public,  he  conceived, 
had  a  right  to  exact  from  the  Cashier  of  the  Patriotic  Cop 
perplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet.  All  right-minded  persons  will 
naturally  commend  this  prudence,  and  applaud  Mr.  Handy's 
sense  of  the  dignity  proper  to  so  important  and  elevated  a 
station — a  station  which  Theodore  Fog,  in  his  speech  at 
"  The  Hero,"  so  appropriately  eulogised  as  one  "  of  finan 
cial,  fiscal  and  monetary  responsibility." 

There  was  one  circumstance  connected  with  the  history 


QUODLIBET.  31 

of  the  establishment  of  the  Bank  that  excited  great  observa 
tion  amongst  our  folks: — that  was  the  dislike  Michael  Grant 
took  up  against  it  from  its  very  beginning.  It  was  an  indis 
criminate,  immitigable,  dogged  dislike  to  the  whole  concern, 
which,  by  degrees,  brought  him  into  a  bad  opinion  of  our 
Borough,  and  I  verily  believe  was  the  cause  why,  from  that 
time  forward,  he  kept  himself  so  much  at  his  farm  near  the 
Hog  Back  and  grew  to  be,  as  if  it  were  out  of  mere  opposition, 
so  unhappily,  and  indeed  I  may  say,  so  perversely  stubborn 
in  those  iniquitous  Whig  sentiments  which  he  was  in  the 
habit  of  uttering.  I  have  heard  him  say  that  he  thought  as 
badly  as  a  man  could  think,  of  the  grounds  for  starting  the 
Bank,  and  still  worse  of  the  men  who  started  it; — which, 
certainly,  was  a  very  rash  expression,  considering  that  our 
congressman,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  was  President  and 
one  of  the  first  patrons  of  the  institution,  and  that  such  a 
man  as  Nicodemus  Handy  was  Cashier;  to  say  nothing  of 
Theodore  Fog,  whose  habits  we  are  willing  to  confess, 
might,  in  the  estimation  of  some  men,  give  some  little  color 
to  my  worthy  friend's  vituperation. 

Now,  there  was  no  man  in  Quodilbet  whom  Handy  and 
Fog  so  much  desired,  or  strove  so  hard,  to  bring  into  the 
Bank  scheme  as  Mr.  Grant.  They  made  every  sort  of 
effort  and  used  all  kinds  of  arguments  to  entice  him.  Nic 
odemus  Handy  on  one  occasion,  I  think  it  was  in  April, 
put  the  matter  to  him  in  such  strong  points  of  view,  that  I 
have  often  marvelled  since  how  the  good  gentleman  stood 
it.  He  argued,  with  amazing  cogency,  that  General  Jack 
son  had  removed  the  deposites  for  the  express  purpose  of 
destroying  the  Bank  of  the  United  States,  and  giving  the 
State  Banks  a  fair  field:  that  the  Old  Hero  was  an  enthusi 
astic  friend  to  State  Rights,  and  especially  to  State  Banks 
which  it  was  the  desire  of  his  heart  to  see  increased  and 
multiplied  all  over  the  country;  that  he  was  actually,  as  it 


32  QUODLIBET. 

were,  making  pets  out  of  these  Banks,  and  was  determined 
to  feed  them  up  with  the  public  monies  and  give  them  such 
a  credit  in  the  land  as  would  forever  shut  out  all  hope  to  the 
friends  of  a  National  Bank  to  succeed  with  their  purpose: 
and  finally  that  although  Clay  and  the  Whigs  were  endea- 
vorino-  to  resist  the  General  in  his  determination  to  estab- 

O 

lish  New  Banks  in  the  States,  that  resistance  was  already 
considered  hopeless.  It  was  with  a  visible  air  of  triumpli 
that  Mr.  Handy  in  confirmation  of  this  opinion  read  from 
the  Globe  of  the  21st  of  December  previous,  these  words: 

"  The  Intelligent  people  of  the  West  know  how  to  maintain 
their  rights  and  independence  and  to  repel  oppression.  Although 
foiled  in  the  beginning,  every  Western  State  is  about  to  establish 
a  State  Bank  institution.  They  are  resolved  to  avail  themselves 
of  their  own  state  credit,  as  well  as  of  the  National  credit,  to 
maintain  a  currency  independent  of  foreign  control.  Mr.  Clay's 
presses  in  Kentucky  begin  now  to  feel  how  vain  are  all  their 
efforts  to  resist  the  determination  of  the  people  of  the  West. 
Ohio,  Indiana,  Illinois,  Missouri  and  Kentucky  are  resolved  to 
take  care  of  themselves,  and  no  longer  depend  on  the  kind  guard 
ianship  of  Biddle,  Clay  &  Co." 

Having  laid  this  fact  before  Mr.  Grant,  by  way  of  clinching 
the  argument  Mr.  Handy  pulled  out  of  his  pocket  a  letter 
which  he  had  just  received  from  the  Secretary  of  the  Trea 
sury.  It  contained  a  communication  of  the  deepest  import 
to  the  future  fortunes  of  our  Borough;  which  communica 
tion,  as  I  have  been  favoured  by  Mr.  Handy  with  a  copy, 
I  feel  happy  to  transcribe  here  for  the  edification  of  my 
reader.  It  is  a  circular,  and  came  to  our  cashier  printed 
on  gilt  edged  letter  paper,  having  the  title  of  tbe  Bank,  the 
date  and  some  other  items  filled  up  in  writing. 

"  Treasury  Department,  April  1,  1S34. 

'*  Sir: — The  Patriotic  Copper-plate  Bank  of  Quodlibet  has 
been  selected  by  this  department  as  the  depository  of  the  public 


QUODLIBET.  33 

money  collected  in  Quodlibet  and  its  vicinity;  and  the  Marshal 
will  hand  you  the  form  of  a  contract  proposed  to  be  executed, 
with  a  copy  of  his  instructions  from  this  department.  In  se 
lecting  your  institution  as  one  of  the  fiscal  agents  of  the  govern 
ment,  1  not  only  rely  on  its  solidity  and  established  character,  as 
affording  a  sufficient  guarantee  for  the  safety  of  the  public  money 
entrusted  to  its  keeping,  but  I  confide  also  in  its  disposition  to 
adopt  the  most  liberal  course  which  circumstances  will  admit, 
towards  other  moneyed  institutions  generally,  and  particularly 
those  in  your  vicinity.  The  deposites  of  the  public  money  will 
enable  you  to  afford  increased  facilities  to  commerce,  and  to  ex 
tend  your  accommodations  to  individuals;  and  as  the  duties  which 
are  payable  to  the  government  arise  from  the  business  and  enter 
prise  of  the  merchants  engaged  in  foreign  trade,  it  is  but  reason 
able  that  they  should  be  preferred  in  the  additional  accommoda 
tions  which  the  public  deposites  will  enable  your  institution  to 
give,  whenever  it  can  be  done  without  injustice  to  the  claims  of 
other  classes  of  the  community. 

"lam,  &c.  R.  B.  TANEY, 

"Secretary  of  the  Treasury. 

"To  the  President  of  the  Patriotic  Copper-plate  Bank  of  Quodlibet." 

"There,  sir," — said  Mr.  Handy,  after  he  had  read  this 
paper  to  Mr.  Grant — "  read  that  over  again  and  tell  me  if  there 
is  any  Quodlibetarian  that  ought  not  to  rejoice  in  this  great 
event,  and  lend  his  endeavors,  with  both  heart  and  soul  to 
promote  and  sustain  an  institution  so  favored  by  the  govern 
ment.  The  secretary,  you  perceive,  has  confidence  in  the 
'  solidity  and  established  character'  of  our  bank — how  can 
you  refuse  your  confidence  after  that?  Sir,  the  Secretary 
is  an  honor  to  the  democracy  of  Quodlibet: — what  does  he 
say?  Does  he  tell  us  to  keep  the  public  moneys  locked  up 
only  for  the  selfish  purposes  of  the  government?  Oh  no: 
far  from  it;  'the  deposites,'  says  he,  'will  enable  you  to 
afford  increased  facilities  to  commerce,  and  to  extend  your 
accommodations  to  individuals.'  Mark  that!  there's  a 


34  QTJODLIBET. 

President  and  Secretary  for  you!  True  friends,  Mr.  Grant — 
true  friends  to  the  people.  How  careful  are  they  of  our 
great  mercantile  and  trading  classes!  Sir,  the  government 
cannot  do  too  much  for  such  people  as  we  are — that's  the 
true  democratic  motto—  we  expect  a  great  deal — but  they 
outrun  our  expectations.  No  more  low  prices  for  grain, 
Mr.  Grant — no  more  scarcity  of  money: — accommodation 
is  the  word — better  currency  is  the  word — high  prices, 
good  wages  and  plenty  of  work  is  the  word  now-a-days. 
We  shall  have  a  city  here  before  you  can  cleverly  turn 
yourself  round.  Depend  upon  it,  sir,  we  are  destined  to 
become  a  great,  glorious  and  immortal  people." 

"Sir,"  said  Theodore  Fog,  interposing  at  this  moment, 
with  a  look  that  wore  a  compound  expression  of  thoughtful 
sternness  and  poetical  phrensy — "when  the  historic  muse 
shall  hereafter  contemplate  the  humble  origin  of  Quod- 

Hbet " 

"  Fog,"  interrupted  Nicodemus  somewhat  petulantly — 
and  I  feel  sorry  to  be  obliged  to  record  this  inconsiderate 
language,  "  D — n  the  historic  muse — we  are  now  on  busi 
ness." 

"As  a  director,  sir,"  replied  Fog  with  a  subdued  air,  but 
with  a  dignified  gravity,  "I  have  a  right  to  speak.  I  meant 
to  say,  sir,  in  plain  phrase,  that  Quodlibet  must  inevitably, 
from  this  day  forth,  under  the  proud  auspices  of  democratic 
principles — obedient  to  that  native  impulse  which  the  pro 
found  statesmanship  of  this  people-sustaining  and  people- 
sustained  administration,  has  imparted  to  it,  soar  aloft  to 
place  herself  upon  the  proud  pinnacle  of  commercial  pros 
perity,  wealth  and  power.  I  have  no  doubt,  Mr.  Grant, 
your  tavern  lot  will  increase  to  three  times  its  present  value. 
You  ought  to  take  stock; — let  me  tell  you,  sir,  as  a  citizen  of 
Quodlibet,  you  ought.  As  to  the  cash,  that's  a  bagatelle. 
Handy  and  I  can  let  you  have  any  number  of  shares  on 


QUODLIBET.  35 

your  own  terms.  Flam  will  do  any  thing  we  say  to  let 
you  in.  By  the  by,  he  got  us  the  deposites.  Flam's  a 
man  of  influence — but  whether  on  the  whole  he  will  make 
us  the  best  President  we  could  have  procured,  is  perhaps 
somewhat  apocryphal." 

"You  cannot  fail  to  see,"  said  Mr.  Handy,  "that  we 
must  all  make  our  fortunes,  if  the  government  is  only  true 
to  its  word;  and  who  can  doubt  it  will  be  true?  We  start 
comparatively  with  nothing,  I  may  say,  speaking  of  myself 
— absolutely  with  nothing.  We  shall  make  a  large  issue 
of  paper,  predicated  upon  the  deposites;  we  shall  accom- 
date  every  body,  as  the  secretary  desires — of  course,  not 
forgetting  our  friends,  and  more  particularly  ourselves: — we 
shall  pay,  in  this  way,  our  stock  purchases. — You  may  run 
up  a  square  of  warehouses  on  the  Basin;  I  will  join  you  as 
a  partner  in  the  transaction,  give  you  the  plan  of  operations, 
furnish  architectural  models,  supply  the  funds,  et  cetera,  et 
cetera.  We  will  sell  out  the  buildings  at  a  hundred  per 
cent,  advance  before  they  are  finished;  Fog  here  will  be  the 
purchaser.  We  have  then  only  to  advertise  in  the  papers 
this  extraordinary  rise  of  property  in  Quodlibet — procure  a 
map  to  be  made  of  our  new  city;  get  it  lithographed,  and 
immediately  sell  the  lots  on  the  Exchange  of  New  York  at 
a  most  unprecedented  valuation.  My  dear  sir,  I  have  just 
boughta  hundred  acres  of  land  adjoining  the  Borough,  with 
an  eye  to  this  very  speculation.  You  shall  have  an  interest 
of  one  half  in  this  operation  at  a  reasonable  valuation — I 
shall  want  but  a  small  profit,  say  two  hundred  per  cent. 
— a  mere  trifle — in  consideration  of  my  labors  in  laying  it 
off  into  streets,  lanes  and  alleys; — and  if  there  is  any  con 
venience  in  it  to  you — although  I  know  you  are  a  moneyed 
man — you  have  only  to  make  a  proposal  for  a  slice  of  ac 
commodation — just  drop  a  note  now  and  then  into  the  dis 
count  box — you  understand?  The  Secretary  will  be  de- 


36  QUODLIBET. 

^ 

-  *-    - 

lighted,  my  dear  sir,  to  hear  of  our  giving  an  accommodation 
to  you.  But  there's  one  thing,  Mr.  Grant,  I  must  not 
forget  to  remark — the  Secretary,  in  fact,  makes  it  a  sort  of 
sine  qua  non — you  must  come  out  a  genuine — declare  your 
self  a  Whole  Hog — and  go  for  Flam  in  the  fall  elections. 
The  Secretary  expects,  you  know," — and'as  he  said  this  he 
laid  his  finger  significantly  upon  his  nose,  "that  the  accom 
modation  principle — you  know — is  to  be  measurably — ex 
tended — you  know — in  proportion  to  the — democracy — of 
the  applicants — you  understand?— a  word  to  the  wise — 
that's  all.  It  could  n't  be  expected,  you  perceive,  that  we, 
holding  the  deposites,  should  be  quite  as  favorable  to  the 
Whigs,  who  rather  charge  us  with  experimenting  on  the 
currency — you  know — and  who,  in  fact,  don't  scruple  to 
say  that  our  banking  system  will  be  a  failure — it  could  n't 
be  expected  we  should  be  as  bountiful  to  them  as  to  those 
who  go  with  us  in  building  up  this  concatenation — tweedle 
dum  and  tweedle  dee,  you  know,  betwixt  you  and  me; — 
but  it's  made  a  point  of — and  has  its  effect  on  ulterior 
expectations,  you  understand.  The  long  and  the  short  is, 
without  being  mealy-mouthed,  we  must  prefer  the  old 
Hero's  friends; — but,  after  all,  that's  a  small  matter: — be  a 
Democrat,  and  go  for  Flam!" 

"Flam  and  the  immutable  principles  of  civil  liberty!" 
said  Fog,  with  great  animation.  "  Middleton  Flam,  the 
embodyment  and  personification  of  those  deep  and  profound 
truths,  based  upon  the  eternal  distinctions  of  the  greatest 
good  to  the  greatest  number!  Diffusive  wealth,  combined 
capital,  increased  facilities  to  commerce,  and  accommodation 
to  individuals — there  is  the  multum  in  parvo  of  General 
Jackson's  democratic  creed! — there  is  the  glorious  consum 
mation  of  the  war  with  the  great  money  power,  which,  like 
Juggernaut,  was  crushing  down  the  liberties  of  our  republic!" 

Michael  Grant  was  a  patient  listener,  and,  ordinarily,  a 


QUODLIBET.  37 

man  of  few  words.  He  stood  all  the  time  that  Fog  and 
Handy  were  plying  him  with  this  discourse,  with  his  thumbs 
in  his  waistcoat  pockets,  looking  down,  with  a  grum  cogita 
tion,  at  his  own  image  in  the  water  of  the  basin,  on  the 
margin  of  which  the  parties  had  met,  and  every  now  and 
then  rocking  on  his  heels  and  flapping  the  soles  of  his  feet 
sharply  on  the  ground,  denoting,  by  this  movement,  to  those 
who  knew  his  habit,  that  he  was  growing  more  and  more 
positive  in  his  opinion.  Once  or  twice  he  was  observed  to 
raise  his  head,  and,  with  one  eye  half  shut,  seemed  as  if 
studying  the  heavens.  At  length  he  broke  out  with  an 
answer  which,  both  from  the  vehemence  of  his  tone  and 
the  unusual  volubility  of  his  words,  caused  Handy  and  Fog 
to  prick  up  their  ears,  and  gaze  upon  each  other  with  a  look 
of  incredulous  surprise. 

"Look  you,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  Nicodemas  Handy 
and  Theodore  Fog:  You  have  never  heard  me  say  that 
General  Jackson  was  not  a  good  general.  I  scorn  to  take 
any  thing  away  from  the  reputation  of  an  old  soldier — I 
have  never  done  it — I  never  mean  to  do  it;  I  respect  him 
for  his  services:  but,  curse  me,  if  I  believe  he  knows  any 
more  about  banks  than  I  do  about  bombshells!  No,  nor  his 
secretary  neither;  or,  if  he  does,  he  is  not  man  enough  to  say 
NO  to  the  General.  As  for  this  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank 
of  Quodlibet,  and  others  now  springing  up  of  the  same 
kidney,  they  are  just  so  many  new  Egyptian  plagues,  which 
our  rascally  magicians  and  false  prophets  have  been  conjuring 
up  to  harass  the  people  with.  It  won't  be  long  before  we 
shall  begin  to  find  out  that  the  frogs  and  the  locusts  and  the 
lice  of  Pharaoh's  kingdom  have  been  all  outdone  by  these 
new  banks,  which  the  General  and  his  secretaries  are  so 
busy  to  hatch.  Do  you  know  what  is  coming,  Nicodemus 
Handy?  I'll  tell  you.  Now  your  new  banks  are  like  these 
thundergust  mills,  over  here  in  the  mountain:  just  as  long  as 
4 


QUODLIBET. 

you  have  showers  from  the  treasury,  so  long  will  your  wheels 
keep  in  motion;  but  the  first  dry  spell  at  Washington  shuts 
you  up,  and  disappoints  the  whole  country  side  in  their 
grist.  They  are  all  eggs  of  the  same  basket,  and  this  ad 
ministration  will  be  known,  by  and  by,  as  the  Thundergust 
Bank  Administration.  In  four  years  from  this  day,  there 
will  be  twice  as  many  of  these  paper  machines,  big  and 
little,  as  there  are  now;  and  bank  notes  will  be  thrashed  out 
as  fast  as  chaff  at  the  tail  of  a  fan.  The  country  will  be 
filled  with  toad  stools — not  mushrooms,  for  they  are  worth 
something.  We  shall  see  your  toad-stool  great  men  fetching 
up  in  a  night,  and  ciphering  out  fortunes  in  a  week.  The 
world  will  turn  crazy  after  speculations — just  such  specula 
tions  as  your  hundred  acre  purchase — bought  without  a  cent 
of  money,  and  paid  for  by  accommodation,  granted  on  what 
Fog  here  calls  the  great  democratic  principle.  The  public 
lands  will  be  grabbed  at  by  every  rascal  who  has  cunning 
and  knavery  enough  to  go  to  the  President  and  his  secretary, 
and  flatter  them  on  their  Democracy.  He  who  can  dip 
deepest  into  that  play  will  build  towns  for  himself,  lay  out 
farms  for  his  children  by  the  mile  square,  and  make  nabobs 
of  his  sons;  and,  whilst  he  does  so,  he  will  vilify  and  bring 
into  contempt  all  honestly  gathered  wealth,  and  prate  about 
his  friendship  for  the  poor  man,  just  to  keep  the  reins  in  his 
own  hands.  We  have  had  one  of  these  paper  money  storms 
once  before  in  this  country.  I  remember  it  well.  It  came 
after  the  old  bank  went  down,  just  as  it  is  coming  now,  since 
President  Jackson  has  set  his  heart  upon  strangling  the 
monster,  as  he  calls  it.  The  old  story  will  be  told  over 
again.  By  doubling  the  number  of  banks,  you  will  double 
trade  and  speculation,  and  that  will  double  our  debts,  with 
out  adding  one  bushel  to  our  crops.  Then  look  out  for  the 
day  of  reckoning!  Coin  will  be  wanting  to  pay  for  the 
silks  and  wines  and  fine  linen,  that  we  shall  have  got  upon 


QUODL1BET.  39 

trust  upon  the  other  side  of  the  ocean.  Such  banks  as  have 
the  coin  will  be  obliged  to  let  it  go,  and  they  will  call  upon 
the  people  to  pay  up, — which  the  people  will  not  be  able  to 
do.  What  follows?  A  suspension  of  specie  payments,  and 
along  with  that  all  manner  of  grumbling  and  discontent  and 
ill  will.  Every  man  will  be  laying  the  blame  upon  his 
neighbor,  and  your  thundergust  banks  will  be  the  loudest  in 
the  whole  crowd,  crying  out  that  a  panic  has  been  got  up 
by  the  dying  monster:— and  you  who  call  yourselves  Demo 
crats,  to  stave  off  all  inquiry  into  the  matter,  will  shout  that 
the  liberties  of  the  country  are  in  danger; — like  a  thief  who 
has  stolen  a  horse,  you  will  get  up  into  the  saddle  and  strike 
off  at  full  speed,  foremost  in  the  chase,  bellowing  *  stop  thief!' 
After  the  crash,  what  becomes  of  your  new  banks,  your 
new  towns,  your  new  stocks,  and  your  new  men?  Soap 
bubbles  bursted !  Torn  bladder  skins,  not  fit  to  make  a 
tobacco  pouch!  Fools  will  build  houses,  and  wise  men  will 
live  in  them.  Is  not  this  plainly  enough  set  down  in  past 
history?  What  more  do  yon  want?  Take  the  trouble  to 
read  the  speeches  in  congress,  and  you  will  find  the  whole 
course  of  the  thing  demonstrated  by  the  wisest  men  at 
Washington.  Listen  to  their  counsels,  and  take  heed  in  time. 
Forewarned  is  forearmed.  Tell  General  Jackson  that  it  is 
not  beneath  the  wisdom  of  a  great  man  to  take  a  lesson  from 
his  adversary.  The  best  friends  of  the  people  are  those 
who  tell  them  the  truth,  in  time  to  put  them  on  their  guard, 
— no  matter  how  harsh  it  may  seem  to  the  President  or  any 
body  else.  Now,  sir,  that  is  my  opinion." 

When  Mr.  Grant  had  delivered  himself  in  this  extraor 
dinary  manner,  Nicodemus  Handy  seemed  to  be  considerably 
nettled — as  well  he  might  be — and  said,  with  very  notable 
peevishness:  "I  am  acciutomed  to  hear  so  much  in  this 
strain,  from  your  party,  that  it  has  lost  its  effect  on  me. 
The  Democracy  are  not  to  be  turned  away  from  their  prin- 


40  QUODLIBET. 

ciples  by  jingling  of  words.  Why  is  it  that  the  Whigs 
oppose  our  banks,  but  because  they  are  afraid  to  trust  THE 
PEOPLE?  What  are  the  banks  but  the  people?  Who  owns 
them?  The  people.  Who  regulates  and  controls  them? 
The  people.  Whose  money  is  it  that  is  deposited  in  them? 
The  people's.  Who  benefits  by  lending  out  this  money? 
The  people.  Who  wants  to  cramp  the  banks?  The  Whigs. 
What  are  the  Whigs,  therefore?  Why,  of  course,  against 
the  people." 

"Can  anything  be  more  democratic  than  our  bank?'* 
asked  Fog,  oratorically  swinging  out  his  left  arm  and  flaunt 
ing  a  blue  silk  pocket  handkerchief  in  the  air— "can  any 
thing  be  conceived  more  harmonious  with  the  precept  of 
equal  rights  than  the  whole  scheme  by  which  it  was  esta 
blished? — one  dollar  a  share  paid  in — the  rest  in  a  note 
payable  when  convenient.  Does  not  this  demonstrate  a 
most  praiseworthy  design  of  bringing  the  subscription  to 
the  level  of  the  poorest  man's  ability?  If  Handy  and  my 
self  had  been  disposed  to  take  advantage  of  our  high  stand 
ing  in  society  or  our  affluent  means; — if  we  could  have 
reconciled  it  to  our  sentiments  to  have  secured  to  ourselves 
privileges  which  we  were  not  willing  to  accord  to  the  mean 
est  man  who  works  for  his  bread" — 

"No  man  is  mean  who  works  honestly  for  his  bread, 
Mr.  Fog,"  interrupted  Mr.  Grant. 

"My  allusion,  sir,"  continued  Fog  with  remarkable  self 
possession,  "was  to  the  humblest  of  the  democracy — God 
forbid,  sir,  that  I  should  brand  any  man  with  the  epithet  of 
mean  in  a  mean  sense ! — politically,  sir,  no  man  is  mean." 

"  It  is  lost  breath  to  argue  this  matter  with  me,"  said  Mr. 
.Grant,  by  way  of  cutting  short  Theodore  Fog's  able  vin 
dication  of  himself — "my  opinions  on  this  question  have 
not  grown  up  in  a  day.  I  was  a  Democrat  before  either  of 
you  were  born.  My  father  was  a  Whig  of  the  revolution, 


QUODLIBET.  41 

and  his  principles  are  mine.  My  Democracy  goes  for  the 
country — yours  goes  for  yourselves,  and  you  expect  to 
conceal  its  drift  by  talking  about  THE  PEOPLE.  I  happen  to 
be  one  of  the  people  myself, — a  fact  which  you  seem  to  for 
get.  What  I  am,  I  have  become  by  my  own  effort,  through 
a  life  of  labor.  I  have  seen  too  many  friends  of  "  the  people" 
in  my  time,  striving  to  grow  fat  by  their  Democracy,  not  to 
understand  the  meaning  of  HUMBUG.  Your  bank,  gentle 
men,  is  a  humbug,  notwithstanding  the  confidence  of  the 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury  in  its  solidity — and  the  currency 
your  friend  the  General  has  promised  to  give  us  is  another 
— so,  good  day,  gentlemen." 

With  these  very  rash  and  inconsiderate  words,  Mr.  Grant 
turned  on  his  heel  and  walked  away,  leaving  Handy  and 
Fog  looking  significantly  at  each  other.  From  that  time 
Mr.  Grant  was  generally  considered  an  enemy  to  our  bank, 
and,  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  never  had  any  dealings  with  it. 

Mr.  Handy,  immediately  regaining  his  temper,  set  up  a 
dry  laugh  as  soon  as  Mr.  Grant  was  out  of  sight,  and 
laughed  on  for  some  moments — at  last  he  said,  somewhat 
mysteriously,  and  with  a  great  deal  of  deliberation — 

"Fog,  it's  my  opinion  that  the  old  tanner  has  cut  his  eye 
teeth — what  do  you  think  of  him?" 

•'  He  labors,"  replied  Fog,  "  under  a  sinistrous  and  de 
fective  obliquity  of  comprehension;  and  from  all  I  can  make 
out  of  this  colloquy,  I  rather  incline  to  the  opinion  that  he 
is  not  very  willing  to  embark  largely  in  our  stock."  And 
saying  this,  Fog  folded  his  arms  and  looked  steadfastly  in 
Mr.  Handy's  face. 

"Nor,  as  I  should  judge,  from  some  insinuations  he  let 
fall,"  said  Handy  in  a  kind  of  whisper,  "is  he  likely  to 
join  me  in  my  speculation  in  town  lots.  Fog,  don't  forget, 
you  will  endorse  my  note  for  the  purchase-money  of  that 

4* 


42  QUODLIBET. 

hundred  acres — I  shall  discount  it  to-morrow — I  like  to  pay 
cash — that  was  always  my  principle." 

"  Undoubtedly — consider  me  a  sure  card  in  that  line," 
replied  Fog: — "it  is  understood,  of  course,  that  you  recip 
rocate  the  favor  on  my  purchase  of  the  meadow?" 

"Without  question — assuredly,  Fog — one  good  turn  de 
serves  another." 

"  Then,  let's  go  up  and  take  a  drink,"  said  Fog,  imitating 
the  tone  of  a  tragedy-player — "  we'll  call  it  twelve,  although 
my  dial  points  but  half  way  from  eleven." 

"You  know  I  never  drink,"  quoth  Handy. 

"  Then  come  and  look  on  me  whilst  I  that  act  perform," 
said  Theodore. 

"Agreed,"  said  Nicodemus.— And  thereupon  these  trusty 
friends  went  straight  to  Nim  Porter's  bar. 


QUODLIBET.  43 


CHAPTER  II. 

GREATUSEFULNESSOFTHE  BANK. — SURPRISING  GROWTH  OF  QUODLIBET. — 
SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM. — ORIGIN  OF  HIS 
DEMOCRACY. — HIS  LOGICAL  ARGUMENT  IN  FAVOR  OF  THE  POCKETING 
OF  THE  BILL  TO  REPEAL  THE  SPECIE  CIRCULAR. — THE  DEMOCRATIC- 
PRINCIPLE  AS  DEVELOPED  IN  THE  REPRESENTATIVE  SYSTEM. 

IN  the  course  of  the  first  year  after  The  Removal,  or  as  I 
should  say,  in  the  year  One, — speaking  after  our  manner  in 
Quodlibet, — the  bank  made  itself  very  agreeable  to  every 
body.  Mr.  Flam  came  home  from  congress  after  the  end 
of  the  long  session  and  found  every  thing  prospering  be 
yond  his  most  sanguine  expectations.  Nicodemus  Handy 
had  put  a  new  weather-boarded  room  to  the  back  of  his 
office  for  the  use  of  the  Directors,  and  the  banking  business 
was  transacted  in  the  front  apartment  where  Nicodemus 
used  to  sell  lottery  tickets.  There  was  one  thing  that 
strangers  visiting  Quodlibet  were  accustomed  to  remark  upon 
in  a  jocular  vein,  rega  ding  the  bank — and  that  was  the 
sign  which  was  placed,  as  it  were  parapet-wise,  along  the 
eaves  of  the  roof,  and  being  of  greater  longitude  than  the 
front  of  the  building,  projected  considerably  at  either  end. 
Quipes  has  been  held  responsible  for  this,  but  I  know  that 
he  could  not  help  it,  on  account  of  the  length  of  the  name, 
which,  nevertheless,  it  is  due  to  him  to  say  he  endeavored, 
very  much  to  my  discontent,  to  shorten,  both  by  orthogra 
phical  device  and  by  abbreviation,  having  printed  it  thus — 


44  QUODLIBET. 

THE  PATRIOTIC  COPERPLATE  BANK  OF  QuoDLibet: 

notwithstanding  which,  it  overran  the  dimensions  of  the 
tenement  to  which  it  was  attached. — I  say  strangers  some 
times  facetiously  alluded  to  this  discrepancy,  by  observing 
that  the  bank  was  like  the  old  Hero  himself,  too  great  for 
the  frame  that  contained  it.  And,  truly,  the  bank  did  a 
great  business!  Mr.  Handy,  who  is  acknowledged  to  be  a 
man  of  taste,  procured  me  of  the  handsomest  plates,  it  is 
supposed,  that  Murray  Draper  and  Fairman  ever  executed, 
and  with  about  six  bales  of  pinkish  silk  paper,  and  a  very 
superior  cylinder  press,  created  an  amount  of  capital  which 
soon  put  to  rest  old  Mr.  Grant's  grumbling  about  the  want 
of  solidity  in  the  bank,  and  fully  justified  the  Secretary's  de 
claration  of  his  confidence  in  its  "  established  character  as 
affording  a  sufficient  guaranty  for  the  safety  of  the  public 
money  entrusted  to  its  keeping." 

As  a  proof  how  admirably  matters  were  conducted  by 
Mr.  Handy,  the  Directors  soon  found  no  other  reason 
to  attend  at  the  Board,  than  now  and  then,  to  hold  a  chat 
upon  politics  and  smoke  a  cigar;  and  the  president,  the 
Honorable  Middleton  Flam,  having  his  October  election  on 
hand,  was  so  thoroughly  convinced  of  Nicodemus's  ability 
that  I  do  not  believe  he  went  into  the  Bank  more  than  half  a 
dozen  times  during  the  whole  season. 

It  was  in  the  course  of  this  year,  and  pretty  soon  after  the 
Bank  got  the  deposites,  that  Mr.  Handy  began  his  row  of 
four  story  brick  warehouses  on  the  Basin,  which  now  goes 
by  the  name  of  Nicodemus's  Row.  He  also  laid  the  found 
ation  of  his  mansion  on  the  hill,  fronting  upon  Handy 
Place;  and  which  edifice  he  subsequently  finished,  so  much 
to  the  adornment  of  our  Borough,  with  a  Grecian  portico 
in  front  and  an  Italian  verandah  looking  towards  the  gar 
den.  As  his  improvements  advanced  in  this  and  the  next 


QUODLIBET.  45 

year,  he  successively  reared  a  Temple  of  Minerva  on  the 
top  of  the  ice-house,  a  statue  of  Apollo  in  the  centre  of  the 
carriage-circle,  a  sun-dial  on  a  marble  pillar  where  the  gar 
den  walls  intersect,  and  a  gilded  dragon  weathercock  on  the 
cupola  of  the  stables.  The  new  banking  house  was  com 
menced  early  in  the  summer  and  has  been  finished  of  very 
beautiful  granite,  being  in  its  front,  if  I  am  rightly  informed 
by  Mr.  Handy,  an  exact  miniature  copy  of  the  Tomb  of 
Osymandias:  it  is  situated  on  Flam  street,  the  first  after  you 
leave  the  Basin,  going  northward.  All  the  Directors,  ex 
cept  Fog,  followed  the  footsteps  of  their  illustrious  prede 
cessor,  Mr.  Handy,  and  went  to  work  to  build  themselves 
villas  on  the  elevated  ground  back  of  the  Borough,  now 
known  by  the  name  of  Copperplate  Ridge, — which  villas 
were  duly  completed  in  all  manner  of  Greek,  Roman  and 
Tuscan  fashions.  These  being  likewise  imitated,  in  turn, 
by  many  friends  of  the  bank  who  migrated  hither  from  all 
parts  and  cast  their  lines  in  our  Borough,  Quodlibet  hath 
thereby,  very  suddenly,  grown  to  be,  in  a  figurative  sense, 
a  pattern  card  of  the  daintiest  structures  of  the  four  quar 
ters  of  the  world.  Perhaps  I  may  be  too  fast  in  making  so 
broad  an  assertion — cupio  non  putari  mendacem — I  am  not 
quite  sure,  that,  as  yet,  we  have  any  well  ascertained  speci 
men  of  the  Asiatic:  but  if  Nicodemus  Handy's  pagoda, 
which  he  talked  of  building  on  the  knoll  in  the  centre  of  his 
training  course,  had  not  been  interrupted  by  an  untoward 
event  of  which  it  may  become  my  duty  to  speak  hereafter, 
I  should,  in  that  case,  have  made  no  difficulty  in  reiterating, 
with  a  clear  conscience  and  without  reservation,  the  remark 
which  distrustfully  and  with  claim  of  allowance  I  have  ven 
tured  above. 

My  valuable  patron  not  being  resident  actually  within 
the  Borough,  and  being,  as  I  have  said,  very  busy  in  the 
matter  of  his  election  during  the  greater  part  of  the  first 


46  QUODLIBET. 

year  of  the  bank,  had  not  much  opportunity  to  devote  him 
self  to  its  concerns.  But  the  directors,  partly  aware  of  their 
own  knowledge,  how  valuable  was  his  influence  with  the 
Secretary,  and  partly  persuaded  thereof  by  the  Cashier, 
established,  with  a  liberality  which  Mr.  Handy  remarked 
at  the  time  was  exceedingly  gentlemanlike,  his  salary  as 
President  at  three  thousand  dollars  a  year, — which  sum,  Mr. 
Flam  himself  has,  more  than  once  in  my  hearing,  averred 
upon  his  honor,  he  did  not  consider  one  cent  too  much. 
And  indeed,  I  feel  myself  bound  to  express  my  concurrence 
in  this  opinion,  when  I  reflect  upon  the  weight  of  his  char 
acter,  the  antiquity  of  his  family,  the  preponderance  of  his 
strong  democratic  sentiments,  and  the  expenses  to  which, 
as  President,  he  was  exposed  in  looking  after  the  interests 
of  the  bank, — more  especially  in  the  journies  to  Washington, 
whereof  I  have  heard  him  speak,  for  the  purpose  of  ex 
plaining  matters  to  the  Secretary. 

Connected  with  this  matter  of  salary,  and  as  having  a 
natural  propinquity  to  the  subject,  I  may  here  cursorily,  for 
I  design  to  be  more  particular  on  this  point  hereafter,  claim 
the  privilege  to  enter  a  little  into  the  family  matters  of  my 
patron.  And  on  this  head,  I  would  observe  that  the  house 
hold  of  Mr.  Flam  is  large.  Of  a  truth,  as  some  philoso 
pher  has  remarked,  mouths  are  not  fed,  nor  bodies  clad, 
without  considerable  of  the  wherewithal!  There  is  Mrs. 
Flam,  the  venerated  consort  of  our  representative — a  lady 
most  honorably  conducive  to  the  multiplication  of  the 
strength  and  glory  of  this  land:  there  is,  likewise,  Mr. 
Flam's  sister  Janet, — truly  an  honor  to  her  sex  for  instructive 
discourse  and  exemplary  life;  and  there  is  Master  Middle- 
ton,  Junior,  with  his  four  sisters  and  three  brothers,  who 
may  be  all  ranged  into  the  semblance  of  a  stepladder.  Great 
is  Mr.  Flam's  parental  tenderness  towards  this  happy  pro 
geny — the  reduplication  and  re  triplication,  if  I  may  so  ex- 


QUODLIBET.  47 

press  it,  of  himself  and  their  respectable  mamma.  Yield 
ing1  to  the  solicitude  inspired  by  this  tenderness,  almost 
the  first  thing  which  our  representative  did,  after  the  esta 
blishment  of  the  bank, — the  means  having  thereby  come  the 
better  to  his  hand, — was  to  send  Master  Middleton,  Junior, 
who  was  very  urgent  in  his  entreaties  to  that  point,  to 
Europe,  that  the  young  gentleman,  by  two  or  three  years 
travel,  might  witness  the  distresses  and  oppressions  of 
monarchical  government,  and  become  confirmed  in  his 
democratic  sentiments.  A  refinement  of  sensibility  in  Mr. 
Flam,  which  I  might  almost  denominate  fastidious,  has  also 
operated  with  him  to  require  the  education  of  his  daughters 
to  be  conducted  under  his  own  roof.  He  would  never  hear, 
for  one  moment,  any  persuasion  to  trust  them  even  at  their 
earliest  age,  in  the  public  school, — considerately  fearful  lest 
they  might  form  intimacies  unbecoming  the  station  to  which 
he  destined  them  in  after  life.  They  have  consequently 
been  placed  under  the  special  tuition  of  a  most  estimable 
lady,  Madamoiselle  Jonquille,  a  resident  governess,  who  is 
enjoined  to  speak  to  them  nothing  but  French.  This  lady, 
among  other  things,  teaches  them  music,  and  is  aided  in  the 
arduous  duties  allotted  to  her,  by  a  drawing  master  of  ac 
knowledged  ability  in  water  colors,  and  a  very  superior 
professor  of  dancing,  who  instructs  them  in  the  elegant  ac 
complishment  of  waltzing  and  galloping,  which,  Mr.  Flam 
says,  is  now-a-days  held  to  be  indispensable  in  the  first 
Democratic  circles  at  Washington,  where  it  has  always  been 
his  design  to  introduce  the  young  ladies  into  high  life. 

It  will  not  be  out  of  place  here  to  mention  that  the  worthy 
subject  of  this  desultory  memoir,  my  patron  and  former 
pupil,  inherited  a  large  fortune  from  his  father,  the  late 
Judge  Flam,  who  was  especially  honored  by  old  John 
Adams,  or  as  the  better  phrase  is,  the  elder  Adams,  with  an 
appointment  to  the  bench  on  the  night  of  the  third  of  March 


48  QUODLIBET. 

Anno  Domini  1801:  and  I  have  often  heard  Mr.  Middleton 
say  that  his  father  had  up  to  the  day  of  his  lamented  departure 
from  this  world,  which  melancholy  event  happened  in  the 
year  of  our  Lord  1825,  the  greatest  respect  for  General 
Jackson;  which  liking  for  the  Old  Hero  descended  to  his 
son,  along  with  the  family  estate,  and  serves  satisfactorily 
to  account  for  my  former  pupil's  ardent  attachment  to  de 
mocratic  principles,  as  in  the  sequel  I  shall  make  appear. 

I  do  not  desire  to  conceal  the  fact  that  Judge  Flam,  and 
even  Mr.  Middleton  himself,  for  some  years  after  he  came 
to  man's  estate,  were  both  reputed  to  belong  to  what  was 
generally,  at  that  time,  denominated  and  known  by  the  ap 
pellation  of  the  Old  Federal  party,  and  what,  in  common 
parlance,  has  been  sometimes  scoffingly  termed,  The  Black 
Cockade;  and  that  the  Judge,  who  was  always  noted  for 
being  very  stiff  in  his  opinions,  maintained  his  connection 
nominally  with  that  party  until  the  day  of  his  death.  I 
mention  this  not  in  derogation  of  Mr.  Middleton  our  repre 
sentative,  but  rather  in  the  way  of  commendation,  because  I 
am  by  this  fact  the  more  strongly  confirmed  in  my  admira 
tion  of  the  greatness  of  his  character, — seeing  that  his  con 
version  to  Democracy  is  the  pure  result  of  reflection  and 
conviction,  which  is  more  laudable,  in  my  humble  thinking, 
than  to  be  a  born  veteran  democrat,  as  I  once  heard  a  great 
man  boast  himself. 

Now  this  conversion  being  a  notable  matter,  I  can  by  no 
means  pretermit  a  veritable  account  of  it,  which  happens  to 
be  fully  within  my  power  to  disclose,  I  being,  as  I  may  say, 
a  witness  to  the  whole  course  of  it. 

Every  body  remembers  that  most  signal  of  all  the  literary 
productions  of  General  Jackson's  various  and  illustrious 
pen,  his  letter  to  Mr.  Monroe  dated  the  12th  of  November 
Anno  Domini  1816.  It  came — in  the  language  of  my  vene 
rated  friend  Judge  Flam, — like  the  sound  of  a  trumpet  upon 


QUODLIBET.  49 

the  ears  of  all  of  the  Old  Federalists.  "  Now  is  the  time," 
says  General  Jackson,  in  that  immortal  letter,  which  I  tran 
scribed  as  soon  as  I  saw  it  in  print,  into  my  book  of  memo 
rable  things,  and  which  I  now  quote  verbatim  et  literatim: 

"Now  is  the  time  to  exterminate  that  monster  called  Party 
Spirit.  By  selecting  characters  most  conspicuous  for  their  pro 
bity,  virtue,  capacity  and  firmness,  (wise  and  patriotic  man!) 
without  any  regard  to  party,  (how  disinterested!}  you  will  go  far 
to,  if  not  entirely,  eradicate  those  feelings  which,  on  former  oc 
casions,  threw  so  many  obstacles  in  the  way,  and  perhaps  have 
the  pleasure  and  honor  of  uniting  a  people  heretofore  politically 
divided.  The  Chief  Magistrate  of  a  great  and  powerful  nation 
should  never  (mark  that!}  indulge  in  party  feelings.  His  con 
duct  should  be  liberal  and  disinterested,  always  bearing  in  mind 
that  he  acts  for  the  whole,  and  not  a  part  of  the  community." 

This  letter  of  the  last  of  the  Romans,  was  published  in 
the  National  Intelligencer,  and  I  happened  to  be  with  Judge 
Flam  when  it  first  met  his  eye.  He  was  sipping  his  tea. 
The  venerable  Judge  read  it  twice;  took  up  the  cup  and,  in 
a  musing  thoughtful  mood,  burnt  his  mouth  with  the  hot 
liquid  so  badly  that  he  was  obliged  to  call  for  cold  water. — 
Just  at  that  moment,  Middleton,  his  son,  came  into  the  par 
lor:  he  had  been  out  shooting  partridges. 

"  My  dear  Middleton,  read  that" — said  the  Judge. 

Middleton  sat  down  and  read  it;  and  then  looked  intently 
at  his  father,  waiting  to  hear  what  he  would  say. 

"  Middleton  my  son,"  said  he  in  a  very  deliberate  and  em 
phatic  manner,  "There's  our  man.  General  Jackson  has 
been  called  a  Hero — he's  a  Sage — a  wise  man,  a  very  wise 
man.  We  have  been  kept  in  the  mire  too  long:  these  JefTer- 
sons  and  Madisons  and  Nicholases  and  Randolphs  and  all 
that  Virginia  Junto  (I  think  that  was  the^very  word  he  used) 
have  trodden  us  in  the  dust.  They,  with  all  the  Democracy 
at  their  back,  have  lorded  it  over  us  for  sixteen  years.  We 
5 


50  QUODLIBET. 

owe  them  an  old  grudge.  But  our  time  is  coming:  (this  ex 
pression  he  repeated  twice) .  Remember,  my  son,  if  ever  you 
get  into  a  majority,  stick  to  it.  Bring  up  your  children  to  it. 
You  have  a  long  account  to  settle: — /  shall  bequeath  to  you 
the  Vengeance  of  the  Federal  party.  We  must  rally  at  once 
upon  Andrew  Jackson.  He  will  bring  us  what  it  is  fashion 
able  to  call  "the  People" — We  shall  bring  him  the  talent, 
the  intelligence  and  the  patriotism  of  the  land.  In  such  an 
alliance  how  can  it  be  otherwise  but  that  we  shall  have  all 
the  power? — and  then,  if  we  fail  to  play  our  cards  with 
skill,  we  shall  deserve  to  lose  the  game.  Let  Jackson  be 
our  candidate  for  the  next  Presidency,  and  let  our  gathering 
word  be,  in  the  sentiment  of  this  memorable  letter,  "  The 
Union  of  the  People  and  the  extermination  of  the  Monster 
of  Party."  Do  not  slumber,  my  son,  but  give  your  ener 
gies  to  this  great  enterprise." 

Mr.  Middleton  took  this  advice  of  his  venerable  father 
greatly  to  heart.  "Up  with  Jackson,  and  down  with 
Party — "  said  he  after  a  long  rumination — "good,  excellent 
— nothing  can  be  better!"  And  several  times  that  night, 
before  he  went  to  bed,  he  audibly  uttered  the  same  words 
as  he  walked  backward  and  forward  across  the  room. 

From  this  time  Judge  Flam  wrote  many  letters  to  his 
friends,  disclosing  the  views  he  had  expressed  to  Middle- 
ton;  and  by  degrees  the  matter  ripened  and  ripened,  until 
things  were  so  contrived  as  to  bring  about  what  Judge 
Flam  used  to  smile  and  say,  was  "  a  spontaneous,  unpre 
meditated  burst  of  popular  feeling,"  in  the  nomination  of  the 
General.  And  the  Judge  used  to  laugh  outright,  when 
the  papers  took  strong  ground  in  the  General's  favor,  as  the 
candidate  who  was  brought  out  "without  intrigue  or  party 
management."  The  Old  Hero  and  Sage,  we  all  know,  was 
cheated  out  of  his  first  election;  which  circumstance  greatly 
embittered  his  early  friends,  who,  from  that  time — Mr. 


QUODLIBET.  51 

Micldleton  amongst  the  rest — took  a  very  decided  stand  for 
Reform,  Retrenchment,  Economy  and  the  Rights  of  the 
People. 

The  Judge  did  not  live  to  witness  this  second  effort 
which  resulted  so  gloriously  for  the  democratic  cause; 
but  his  son  stuck  close  to  the  Old  Hero,  and  was  amongst 
his  most  ardent  supporters  to  the  last.  When  the  General 
succeeded,  his  first  care  was  to  show  his  gratitude  to  that 
disinterested  band  of  patriots  who  so  freely  surrendered 
their  old  principles  and  abandoned  their  old  comrades  in  his 
behalf.  He  brought  them  into  office,  just  to  show  that  he 
was  determined  to  carry  out  the  doctrine  of  his  letter;  and 
they  were  loudest  in  their  praise  of  him  for  the  sake  of  the 
old  grudge,  of  which  Judge  Flam  spoke  to  his  son,  and  to 
indemnify  their  long  suffering  in  the  cause  of  the  country, 
in  the  course  of  which  they  had,  for  so  many  years,  been 
strangers  to  power.  So  between  these  two  persuasions,  it 
is  not  to  be  wondered  at  that  they  should  have  become  the 
principal  friends  and  most  confidential  advisers  of  the  Ge 
neral. 

Having  thus  got  upon  an  elevation,  from  whence  they 
could  look  backwards  upon  their  past  errors  and  forwards 
to  their  future  hopes,  a  new  light  dawned  upon  every  man 
of  them;  and  thereupon  they  straightway  became  sick  and 
sorry  for  having  so  long  sinned  against  democracy,  and 
grew  ashamed  of  that  black  cockade  which  George  Wash 
ington  wore  in  the  Revolution;  made  open  renunciation  of 
their  former  pretended  attachment  to  his  principles;  canon 
ized  Mr.  Jefferson  as  a  saint,  whom  they  had  formerly 
reviled  as  the  chief  of  sinners;  purged  out  their  old  Federal 
blood;  took  deep  alterative  draughts  of  detergent  medicine; 
and,  finally,  like  true  patriots,  came  forth  regenerated,  tho 
rough-bred,  whole-hog  Democrats,  sworn  to  follow  the  new 
democratic  principle  through  all  its  meanderings,  traverses, 


52  QUODLIBET. 

dodgings  and  duckings  to  the  end.  Indeed,  Mr.  Middle- 
ton  Flam,  our  honorable  representative,  has  more  than 
once,  in  some  of  his  later  speeches  before  the  people,  con 
tended,  that  although  his  father  was  attached  to  George 
Washington's  school  of  politics,  which,  as  he  remarked, 
naturally  arose  out  of  the  prejudices  created  by  the  revolu 
tionary  war — in  which  the  old  Judge  had  served  as  a  sol 
dier — yet,  that  he,  Middleton,  never  was  truly  an  admirer  of 
that  gentleman's  theory  of  government  or  system  of  mea 
sures — but,  on  the  contrary,  held  them  in  marked  disesteem, 
and  from  his  earliest  youth  had  a  strong  inclination  to 
wards  that  freedom  from  restraint,  which,  in  man  and  boy, 
is  the  best  test  of  the  new  democratic  principle.  In  proof 
of  this  tendency  of  his  youthful  opinions,  he  mentioned, 
with  most  admirable  effect,  an  exploit  in  which,  when  not 
more  than  twelve  years  of  age,  he  gallantly  stood  up  at  the 
head  of  a  party  of  his  schoolfellows  to  bar  out  the  tutor  and 
take  a  holiday,  on  the  ground  of  the  indefeasible  rights  of 
man,  with  a  view  to  attend  a  great  political  meeting  of  the 
friends  of  Jefferson,  just  previous  to  the  second  election  of 
that  Apostle  of  Democracy. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  our  distinguished  member  of  Congress 
is  now,  by  force  of  reflection  and  conviction,  as  pure,  una 
dulterated,  and  as  our  people  jocularly  denote  it,  as  patent  a 
dyed-in-the-wool  democrat  as  Theodore  Fog  himself,  whose 
attachment  to  popular  principles,  habits  and  manners,  and 
whose  unalterable  adhesion  to  the  new  democratic  theory, 
are  written  in  every  line  of  his  face  and  in  every  movement 
of  his  body: — and  so,  Mr.  Flam  avers,  is  every  one  of  his 
black  cockade  friends  who  have  got  an  office.  "Thus  it 
is," — if  I  may  be  allowed  to  quote  a  beautiful  sentiment 
from  one  of  Fog's  speeches — "Thus  it  is,  that  by  degrees, 
the  errors  of  old  opinions  are  washed  out  by  the  all-pervading 
ablution  of  the  democratic  principle  following  in  the  footsteps 


QUODLIBET.  53 

of  the  march  of  intellect;  and  so  true  is  it,  that  the  body 
politic,  like  quicksilver,  regurgitates  and  repudiates  the  fecu 
lence  of  Federalism." 

Nicodemus  Handy  has  an  attachment  for  Mr.  Flam, 
which  is  truly  fraternal.  It  goes  so  far  as  to  prevent  him  from 
ever  contradicting  Mr.  Middleton  in  any  fact,  or  gainsaying 
him  in  any  opinion — although  I  did  think  at  one  time,  when 
Nicodemus  was  thought  to  be  rich,  that  he  was  a  little  bold  in 
his  sentiments  on  two  or  three  matters  wherein  our  member 
differed  from  him.  One  I  remember  in  particular;  it  was  when 
the  old  hero  pocketed  the  Specie  Circular  bill.  Mr.  Handy 
thought,  for  a  little  while,  that  that  circular  was  too  hard 
upon  the  banks  and  the  trading  people,  and  he  seemed  to 
insinuate  that  the  General  was  rather  cornered  by  congress, 
when  they  ordered  its  repeal  by  two-thirds  of  both  houses; 
and  that,  consequently,  as  a  good  Democrat,  he  ought  to 
have  submitted  to  the  will  of  the  people  in  that  matter,  and 
allowed  them  to  have  the  law  after  it  was  passed.  Mr.  Flam 
was  diametrically  opposed  to  him,  and  proved,  I  thought 
conclusively,  that,  according  to  the  sound  Quodlibetarian 
democratic  principle,  the  General  was  altogether  right  in 
putting  the  act  of  congress  aside  and  not  allowing  them  to 
overset  his  plans  by  another  vote  of  two-thirds;  "  for," — 
he  inquired  with  great  force  of  argument,  adopting  the 
Socratic  form — "what  is  Congress?  The  representatives 
of  the  people,  by  districts  and  by  states.  For  whom  can 
any  one  man  in  that  body  speak?  For  his  own  district,  or 
for  his  own  state — no  more.  Now,  what  is  the  President? 
Sir,"  said  he,  in  that  solemn  and  impressive  tone  in  which 
he  addresses  the  house  at  Washington,  «*  the  President  him 
self  has  answered  that  question  in  his  immortal  Protest 
against  the  Senate — he  is  *  the  direct  representative  of  the 
American  people,1  and,  as  he  took  occasion  once  to  say  in 
his  Message,  « It  will  be  for  those  in  whose  behalf  we  alt 

5* 


54  QUODLIBET. 

act,  to  decide  whether  the  Executive  Department  of  the 
government,  in  the  steps  which  it  has  taken  on  this  sub 
ject,  has  been  found  in  the  line  of  its  duty.1  The  Pre 
sident,  sir,  is  the  representative  of  the  whole  people — not 
of  a  district,  not  of  a  state,  but  of  the  whole  nation.  Why 
should  these  representatives  of  the  parts  undertake  to  dic 
tate  to  the  representative  of  the  whole?  It  is  for  the  peo 
ple  to  decide  whether,  in  putting  that  bill  in  his  pocket,  he 
was  in  the  line  of  his  duty.  Sir,  there  is  the  broad  buttress 
upon  which  the  democratic  principle  reposes,  and  will  repose 
forever.  Jackson  has  determined,  as  Representative  of  the 
people,  that  the  Specie  Circular  shall  not  be  repealed,  and 
every  true  democrat  will  of  course  say  that  he  is  right.  I 
am  surprised  that  you,  Handy,  should  give  any  countenance 
to  the  factious  doctrine  set  up  by  the  Whigs,  that  Congress 
has  a  right  to  array  itself  against  the  clearly  expressed  will 
of  the  people,  when  uttered  through  the  Paramount  Repre 
sentative  of  the  whole  nation." 

Mr.  Handy  was  evidently  confounded  by  this  unanswer 
able  argument,  and,  of  course,  did  not  attempt  to  answer. 
I  confess,  for  my  own  part,  I  listened  with  admiration  and 
amazement  at  the  dialectic  skill  with  which  so  abstruse  a 
subject  was  so  briefly  yet  so  clearly  elucidated,  and  I  in 
wardly  ejaculated,  in  the  language  of  the  afflicted  man  of 
Uz,  "  How  forcible  are  right  words!" 

My  late  pupil's  reflections  were  drawn  to  this  question 
of  the  Specie  Circular  with  more  intensity  of  regard,  from  a 
very  natural  train  of  circumstances,  which  had  great  influ 
ence  in  inducing  an  elaborate  study  of  the  subject.  Mr.  Han 
dy  has  often  said  that  Mr.  Flam  was  the  very  best  customer 
our  bank  had  from  the  beginning.  Acting,  as  he  always 
did,  upon  the  principle  that  our  first  care  is  due  to  those 
who  are  nearest  to  us,  or,  according  to  the  adage,  that 
Charity  begins  at  Home,  the  president  of  the  bank  refused 


QUODLIBET.  55 

to  borrow  from  any  other  institution,  but  determined  exclu 
sively  to  patronise  his  own.  This  principle  he  carried  to 
the  romantic  extent  of  borrowing  four  times  as  much  as  any 
body  else;  and  as  he  always  contended  for  it  as  the  most 
approved  theorem  in  banking,  that  the  wider  and  the  more 
remote  the  circulation  of  the  paper  of  a  bank,  the  better  for 
its  profit,  he  employed  these  funds  in  the  purchase  of  a 
large  quantity  of  the  Chickasaw  Reserve  lands;  which,  by- 
the-by,  it  is  whispered  that  very  keen-sighted  gentleman, 
Mr.  Amos  Kendall,  put  him  upon  doing — he,  the  said 
Kendall  having,  as  many  persons  believed,  the  backstair 
entrance  to  the  old  Hero's  chamber,  through  which  freedom, 
I  have  heard  it  hinted,  considerable  facilities  were  gained  as 
regarded  the  President's  consent  to  the  sales  of  these  lands 
by  the  Indians — the  same  being,  if  I  mistake  not,  altogether 
unsaleable  without  that  consent.  By  these  means  Mr.  Flam 
became  the  proprietor  of  a  vast  number  of  acres  in  that  south 
west  country;  and  as  the  Specie  Circular  was  a  most  laudable 
contrivance  of  the  old  Hero's,  or  of  his  frienbs  (for  it  was 
always  the  same  thing  with  him — what  his  friends  advised 
he  was  in  the  habit  of  putting  out  as  his  own),  to  stop  over 
trading  and  speculating  in  the  public  lands,  it  occurred  to 
our  worthy  representative  that  the  less  the  public  lands  were 
sold,  the  more  his  and  Mr.  Kendall's  would  come  into  the 
market  at  good  prices;  and  so,  with  a  view  to  the  benefit  of 
Quodlibet,  where  he  expected  to  invest  the  profits,  he  be 
came  a  strong  advocate  of  the  circular.  This  set  him  to 
studying  the  question  of  the  pocketing  of  the  bill  for  its 
repeal,  whereof  I  have  spoken  above,  and  enabled  him  to 
convince  himself  how  deeply  that  matter  was  connected 
with  the  development  of  the  democratic  principle  in  the 
manner  put  forth  in  his  argument  to  Mr.  Handy. 

Thus  does  it  come  to  pass  that,  step  by  step,  as  our 
government  rolls  on,  its  fundamental  features  are  succes- 


56  QUODLIBET. 

sively  disclosed  in  the  practical  operations  of  that  sublime 
system  which  so  securely  intrenches  the  good  of  the  peo 
ple  in  the  doctrines  of  genuine  Quodlibetarian  democracy, 
as  now  of  late,  for  the  first  time,  fully  understood  and  prac 
tised. 

Ever  after  that  notable  discourse,  Mr.  Handy  showed  him 
self,  both  in  private  and  at  our  public  meetings,  the  stern, 
uncompromising  champion  of  the  Specie  Circular  and  of  the 
broad  representative  character  of  the  president.  The  other 
questions  upon  which  I  have  found  him  to  differ  occasion 
ally  with  Mr.  Flam,  shared  pretty  nearly  the  same  fate  as 
this.  The  Cashier  ultimately  fell  into  entire  harmony  of 
sentiment  in  all  matters  with  the  President;  though,  as  I 
have  insinuated  before,  in  the  flood-tide  of  Mr.  Handy's 
fortune,  when  he  began  to  be  accounted  a  man  of  wealth, 
he  was,  in  accordance  with  a  principle  of  human  nature 
founded  upon  the  corrupting  and  debasing  influence  of 
riches,  much  more  difficult  to  bring  into  perfect  conformity 
of  opinion  with  Mr.  Flam,  than  in  the  ebb.  Yet,  I  would 
here  remark  that,  almost  in  the  same  degree  that  Mr.  Handy 
yielded  his  assent  to  the  doctrines  of  the  honorable  Middle- 
ton  Flam,  did  the  rank  and  file  of  our  sturdy  and  independ 
ent  democracy  yield  to  Mr.  Handy ;  the  whole  party  being 
kept  in  a  harmonious  agreement  and  accord  by  what 
Fog  terms  "  the  electric  diffusion  of  the  democratic  princi 
ple  through  the  whole  circle  of  hand-in-hand,  unflinching, 
unwavering,  uncorruptible,  and  power-frowning-down  Yeo 
manry  of  the  most  virtuous  and  enlightened  nation  upon  the 
terrestrial  globe." 


QUODLIBET.  57 


CHAPTER  III. 


FURTHER  DISCOURSE  RELATING  TO  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM.— COR 
RECTION  IN  THE  ORTHOGRAPHY  OP  HIS  FAMILY  SEAT. —  HIS  RESPECT 
FOR  THE  PEOPLE. — VERY  ORIGINAL  VIEWS  ENTERTAINED  BY  HIM  ON 
THIS  SUBJECT. — HIS  LIBERALITY  IN  MONEY  MATTERS — AVERSION  TO 
THE  LAW  REGARDING  INTEREST— DEMOCRATIC  VIEW  OF  THAT  QUES 
TION — HIS  ENCOURAGEMENT  OF  INDUSTRY  AND  THE  WORKING  PEOPLE 
— INGENIOUS  AND  PROFOUND  ILLUSTRATION  OF  THE  GBEAT  DEMOCRA 
TIC  PRINCIPLE. 

HOLDING,  as  I  do,  our  democratic  leader,  the  honorable 
Middleton  Flam,  in  the  most  deservedly  profound  respect, 
and  knowing  him  to  be,  if  I  may  be  allowed  the  expression, 
a  bright  exemplar  of  democracy,  and  containing  in  himself, 
metaphorically  speaking,  the  epitome  of  all  sound  opinions, 
I  am  fully  authorised  by  the  common  usage  regarding  pub 
lic  characters  to  bring  him  and  his  affairs  conspicuously  into 
the  view  of  the  world,  not  for  censure,  neither  for  praise, 
although  no  man  is  better  entitled  to  the  latter,  but  for  in 
struction.  Such  is  the  destiny  of  distinguished  men,  that 
their  lives  are  common  property  for  the  teaching  of  their 
generation.  Duly  acknowledging  the  weight  of  this  max 
im,  I  shall  venture  in  the  present  chapter  to  give  my  reader 
a  still  closer  insight  into  the  private  concerns  of  our  repre 
sentative;  for  which  task  I  feel  myself  somewhat  specially 
qualified,  through  the  bountiful  hospitality  of  that  excellent 
gentleman  who  has  not  only  welcomed  me  to  his  board 


58  QUODLIBET. 

often  on  week  days,  and  always  on  Sundays,  but  who  has 
even  flattered  me,  more  than  once,  by  the  remark  that  he 
would  not  take  umbrage  at  such  impartial  development  of 
his  life  and  opinions  as  he  knew  I,  better  than  any  other  of 
his  friends,  (truly  herein  his  kindness  has  overrated  my 
worthiness,)  had  it  in  my  power  to  make. 

The  old  family  seat  of  the  Flams  is  about  two  miles  from 
Quodlibet.  It  is  upon  the  Bickerbray  road;  and,  taking  in 
all  the  grounds  belonging  to  the  domicil,  the  tract  is  some 
where  about  eight  hundred  acres;  by  far  the  greater  portion 
of  which  is  a  flat  range  of  woodland  and  field,  watered  by 
Grasshopper  Run  which  falls  into  the  Rumblebottom.  The 
tract  used  to  be  called,  in  Judge  Flam's  time,  "  The  Poplar 
Flats,"  and  the  house,  at  that  day,  went  by  the  name  of 
"  Quality  Hall:"  but  ever  since  Mr.  Middleton  has  had  it, 
which,  as  may  be  gathered  from  what  I  have  imparted  in 
the  last  chapter,  has  been  from  the  time  that  the  old  Black 
Cockades  began  to  think  of  turning  democrats;  ever  since 
that  day  the  spelling  has  been  gradually  changing,  and  the 
house  now  goes  by  the  settled  name  of  "  Equality  Hall," 
and  the  tract  is  always  written  by  our  people  "  The  Popu 
lar  Flats."  Mr.  Middleton  greatly  approves  of  this  change, 
for  two  reasons  which  he  has  had  occasion  to  take  into  his 
serious  reflections: — First;  "  Because,"  he  says,  "  in  the 
Quodlibetarian  Democratic  system,  as  now  understood, 
words  are  things."  "  Not  only  things,  Sir,"  said  he,  in  a 
discourse  one  dayr  at  his  own  table,  "  but  important  and 
valuable  things:  I  have  observed,"  he  continued,  "  in  our 
country,  especially  amongst  the  unflinching,  uncompromis 
ing  democrats,  that  a  name  is  always  half  the  battle.  For 
instance,  sir,  We  wish  to  destroy  the  Bank;  we  have  only 
to  call  it  a  Monster:  We  desire  to  put  down  an  opposition 
ticket,  and  keep  the  offices  amongst  ourselves;  all  that  we 
itave  to  do  is  to  set  up  a  cry  of  Aristocracy.  If  we  want  to 


QUODLIBET.  59 

stop  a  canal,  we  clamor  against  Consolidation: — if  we  wish 
it  to  go  on,  it  is  only  to  change  the  word — Develope  the  Re 
sources.  When  it  was  thought  worth  our  while  to  fiighten 
Calhoun  with  the  notion  that  we  were  going  to  hang  him, 
we  hurraed  for  the  Proclamation;  and  after  that,  when  we 
wanted  to  gain  over  his  best  friends  to  our  side — State  Rights 
was  the  word.  Depend  upon  it,  gentlemen,  with  the  true 
Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  Names  are  Things:  that  is  the 
grand  secret  of  the  4  New  Light  system.'  " 

Mr.  Flam's  second  reason  for  approving  the  change  in 
the  spelling  of  Poplar  Flats  and  Quality  Hall,  did  not  de 
pend  upon  such  a  philosophical  subtlety  as  the  first;  it  was 
simply  because  he  had  very  nigh  lost  his  first  election  to 
Congress  from  inattention  to  this  material  point  of  ortho 
graphy.  Quality  Hall,  some  of  the  Democrats  of  our  region 
were  unreasonable  and  headstrong  enough  to  say,  was  not 
so  democratic  a  name  as  their  candidate  ought  to  have  for 
his  place  of  residence;  and  if  it  had  not  been  that  our  repre 
sentative  discovered  this  in  time  to  convince  them  that  it 
was  an  old-fashioned  way  of  spelling  Equality  Hall,  I  be 
lieve,  in  my  conscience,  he  would  have  made  out  very 
badly:  but  luckily  for  this  district,  and  I  may  say,  for  the 
nation,  this  error  in  spelling  was  corrected  in  time  to  set  all 
straight;  and  Mr.  Flam,  from  that  day,  not  only  put  the  E 
before  the  Q,  bnt,  in  token  of  that  incident,  and  by  way  of 
a  ^remembrancer,  always  spoke  of  Equality  Hall  as  built 
upon  Popular  Flats,  which  sounded  very  well  in  the  ears 
of  the  New  Lights,  and  no  doubt  went  a  great  way  to  keep 
him  in  Congress  ever  after.  Therefore,  I  repeat  after  my 
patron  and  friend,  Words  are  Things  ; — and,  democrati 
cally  speaking,  in  the  sense  of  a  New  Light,  I  might  even 
say  better  than  Things. 

Equality  Hall  is  a  building  which  looks  larger  than  it  is, 
from  the  circumstance  that  it  was  originally  a  one-storied, 


60  QUODLIBET. 

irregular  cottage  of  brick,  but  in  the  Judge's  time  a  second 
story  was  put  to  it;  and,  almost  immediately  after,  Mr. 
Middleton  came  to  be  the  owner,  he  enlarged  the  eastern 
gable  by  widening  it  to  nearly  forty  feet,  and  building  it  up 
considerably  above  the  roof,  and  then  adding  to  it  a  grand 
Grecian  Temple  porch  with  niches  for  statues,  and  with 
fluted  Doric  columns  of  wood,  which  thus  constituted,  what 
Mr.  Middleton  calls  his  facade  and  principal  front  to  the 
building.  The  effect  of  this  piece  of  magnificence  was  to 
screen  the  old  cottage  from  view,  and  to  impress  the  be 
holder  with  the  idea  of  a  grand  building  peeping  out  upon 
the  Bickerbray  road  between  the  foliage  of  two  weeping 
willows,  which  the  old  Judge  put  there  before  Mr.  Jeffer 
son's  election. 

I  have  heard  some  fastidious,  not  to  say  malevolent 
critics,  find  fault  with  this  new  addition  to  the  building, 
upon  the  score  that  it  had  too  much  pretence  about  it; 
and  that  one  was  always  disappointed  upon  finding  all 
this  grandeur  of  outside  was  but  a  mere  piece  of  theatri 
cal  show,  without  having  any  thing  to  correspond  to  it 
within.  Mr.  Flam  has  heard  the  same  objection,  but  he 
has  always  treated  it  with  the  contempt  it  deserved.  "It 
was  intended  for  show,"  he  observed  one  day  addressing 
the  people  from  the  hustings,  when  he  had  occasion  to 
notice  a  remark  of  one  of  these  cavilling  gentlemen,  who 
had  said  something  about  having  walked  behind  the  portico 
to  find  the  house, — and  I  shall  never  forget  how  his  eye 
kindled  and  his  form  dilated  as  he  spoke — "  show,  sir!  of 
course,  it  was  put  there  for  show.  What  else  could  it  be 
put  for?  What  is  any  portico  put  up  for?  It  faces  toward 
the  road,  sir, — it  was  designed  to  face  toward  the  road. 
When  I  built  that  portico,  I  wished  the  people,  sir,  to  see 
it;  the  best  I  have  shall  always  be  shown  to  the  people.  I 
trust,  sir,  that  my  respect  for  the  people  shall  never  so  far 


QUODL1BET. 


61 


abate,  as  to  induce  me  to  neglect  them.  My  house,  sir, 
intrinsically  is  that  of  an  humble  citizen;  there  are  a  dozen 
equal  to  it  in  this  county;  but  that  part  of  it  which  is 
intended  to  gratify  the  people  is  unsurpassed  here  or  any 
where  else.  I  have  laid  out,  sir,  a  small  fortune  on  that 
portico  to  gratify  the  people:  all  that  I  have  comes  from 
them — all  that  I  ever  expect  to  be,  I  hope  to  derive  from 
them:  who  has  so  good  a  right  as  they  to  require  me  to  put 
my  best  foot  foremost,  when  they  are  the  spectators?  On 
the  same  principle,  sir,  when  I  appear  in  public,  I  dress  in 
the  most  expensive  attire,  I  drive  the  best  horses,  and  pro 
cure  the  finest  coach.  My  turnout  is  altogether  elaborate, 
studiously  particular — simply  because  I  hold  the  people  in 
too  much  esteem,  to  shab  them  off  with  any  thing  of  a 
secondary  quality,  whilst  Providence  has  blessed  me  with 
the  means  of  providing  them  the  best.  That,  sir,  is  what 
I  call  a  keystone  principle  in  the  arch  of  democratic  govern 
ment:  that  is  the  sentiment,  and  that  alone,  which  is  to 
give  perpetuity  to  this " 

"  Fair  fabric  of  freedom,"  said  Theodore  Fog,  who  was 
amongst  the  auditory,  and  perceived  that  Mr.  Flam  hesitated 
for  a  word  to  convey  his  idea. 

'•  Thank  you,  my  friend,"  courteously  replied  Mr.  Flam, 
"  I  am  indebted  to  you  for  the  word — fair  fabric  of  free 
dom." 

Coming  back  from  this  digression,  which  I  have  the 
rather  indulged  because  of  the  eloquence,  as  well  as  the 
just  democratic  sentiment  it  breathes,  I  proceed  with  my 
sketch  of  the  homestead  of  our  distinguished  leader  of  the 
politics  of  Quodlibet. 

If  I  were  asked  what  constituted  the  most  striking  feature 

in  the  arrangements  of  this  very  admirable  establishment,  I 

should  say  it  was  the  judicious  admixture  of  a  laudable 

economy,  with  the  greatest  possible  effect  in  the  way  of 

6 


UuV 


62  QjtJ  O  D  L  I  B  E  T  . 

outward  exhibition.  For  instance ;  the  grounds  were  em 
bellished  with  sundry  structures,  apparently  at  great  cost, 
and  producing  a  most  satisfactory  impression  on  the  eye, 
but  which  when  examined  would  be  found  to  be,  for  the 
most  part,  painted  imitations  of  a  very  cheap  kind.  Thus 
there  was  to  be  seen  from  the  portico,  peering  above  a 
thicket  on  the  Grasshopper  run,  an  old  castle  with  ivy- 
crowned  battlements,  greatly  enriching  the  view ;  at  the  end 
of  the  long  walk  in  the  garden,  a  magnificent  obelisk  rose 
forty  feet  above  a  bed  of  asparagus ;  the  entrance  to  the 
stable  yard,  was  through  the  gothic  archway  of  an  old 
chapel,  exceeding  pleasant  to  behold;  and  the  ice  pond  was 
guarded  by  a  palisade  composed  of  muskets,  lances,  swords, 
shields  and  cannon,  flanked  at  each  end  by  a  pile  of  drums 
and  colors.  All  these  several  embellishments  a  nice  obser 
vation  would  determine  to  be  executed  in  oil  painting,  upon 
wooden  screens  sawed  into  the  requisite  figures.  But  even 
this  expense  would,  perhaps,  have  been  avoided,  had  it  not 
been  that  Quipes,  our  artist,  owed  Mr.  Flam  twenty-five 
dollars  on  account  of  a  debt  which  Mr.  Flam  had  to  pay  for 
him,  to  get  him  out  of  gaol,  for  the  sake  of  his  vote,  when  we 
first  elected  our  public  spirited  representative  to  Congress. 
Owing  to  this  circumstance,  connected  with  the  fact  that 
Sam  Hardesty,  the  joiner,  became  insolvent  on  his  contract 
for  building  the  big  portico,  whereby  Mr.  Flam  was  obliged 
to  advance  money  to  him  in  order  to  get  it  finished,  our 
member  conceived  that  it  would  be  a  good  plan  to  work 
these  debts  out  of  his  two  friends,  by  setting  them  about 
the  decorations  I  have  described.  Besides,  he  reasoned 
with  himself  that  it  was  always  well  to  give  employment  to 
the  working  people  about  him,  with  a  view  to  encourage 
industry  and  afford  a  practical  illustration  of  the  benignant 
influence  of  the  great  democratic  principle  upon  society — a 
consideration,  which  Mr.  Flam  on  no  occasion  ever  permit- 


QUODLIBET.  63 

ted  himself  to  lose  sight  of.  By  this  judicious  management 
he  accomplished  a  fourfold  purpose — namely:  the  beautify 
ing  of  Popular  Flats;  the  execution  of  these  rich  specimens 
of  art,  at  less  than  half  their  value;  the  employment  of  two 
very  meritorious  fragments  of  the  people;  and,  above  all,  a 
most  satisfactory  development  of  the  excellence  and  useful 
ness  of  the  great  New  Light  democratic  principle. 

Mr.  Flam  never  was  what  you  might  call  a  monied  man. 
For  although  his  farms  were  very  productive,  and  he  had  a 
considerable  income  from  stock  in  the  United  States  Bank; 
and  although  the  expenses  of  his  family  were  very  far  short 
of  what  the  world  might,  from  the  show  he  made,  suppose 
them  to  be ;  yet  he  was  in  the  habit  of  parting  with  his 
money  as  fast  as  it  came  to  hand.  There  were  a  great 
number  of  deserving  but  needy  persons  who  were  often  at 
the  Popular  Flats,  and  who  did  not  hesitate  to  borrow  all 
the  funds  Mr.  Flam  could  spare ;  (if  he  had  a  fault  it  was 
the  generosity  of  his  lendings,)  and  in  this  way  to  keep  him, 
as  he  has  often  told  me  himself,  very  bare.  To  make  sure 
against  loss  he  had  the  prudence  never  to  lend  without  bond 
and  mortgage,  with  a  power  of  attorney  to  confess  judg 
ment;  and  as  he  ever  avowed  what  he  called  his  most  irre 
vocable  opinion,  that  the  interest  law  was  exceedingly 
oppressive  upon  the  industry  of  the  country,  he  invariably 
made  his  own  bargain  on  that  point — sagaciously  remarking, 
as  I  once  heard  him  to  Nicholas  Hardup,  the  cattle  dealer, 
who  was  under  execution  upon  a  judgment,  and  came  to 
borrow  the  amount  from  Mr.  Flam,  "  Money,  sir,  is  a 
commodity  like  wheat  or  cattle ;  its  value  is  regulated  by 
the  relations  of  supply  and  demand.  Society  will  never 
prosper  till  that  principle  is  universally  recognised.  Wt 
go  for  it,  Mr.  Hardup,  as  cardinal  in  the  democratic  creed. 
Labor,  to  be  free,  requires  that  the  money  contract  also 
should  be  free.  Why  should  the  poor  man  pay  six  per 


64  QUODLIBET. 

cent,  when  money  is  worth  but  five?  Why  should  he  be 
prevented  paying  seven,  eight,  or  nine,  even,  if  he  finds  it 
his  interest  to  give  it — or  cannot  do  without  it?  No  sir — 
Equal  Rights,  Liberty  of  Conscience  and  Unrestricted  Free 
dom  of  Contract — there  is  the  buttress  of  Democratic  Go 
vernment!" 

It  often  happened,  as  such  things  will  happen,  that  Mr. 
Flam  became  the  loser  by  his  generosity;  and  as  it  was  a 
maxim  with  him  to  inculcate  the  most  rigid  punctuality  in 
all  engagements,  he  has  never  felt  himself  at  liberty  to  relax 
what  he  regarded  this  salutary  rule;  so  that,  on  many  occa 
sions,  he  has  been  compelled  to  submit  to  the  unpleasant 
and  expensive  operation  of  closing  his  accounts  on  the  bond 
and  mortgage,  by  taking  possession  of  the  mortgaged  pro 
perty;  and  in  this  way,  as  he  sometimes  feelingly  com 
plains  to  his  friends,  he  has  become  encumbered  with  more 
land  than  he  knows  what  to  do  with.  He  has,  however, 
gradually  got  through  a  great  deal  of  this  trouble  by  renting 
out  his  farms ;  a  course  which  he  intends  to  persevere  in 
until  his  children  are  able  to  take  the  management  of  them. 

Mr.  Handy  has  several  times  endeavored  to  persuade  him 
to  make  his  improvements  rather  more  permanent,  and  to 
take  down  these  embellishments  I  have  been  describing; 
rather  rashly  as  I  thought,  calling  them,  to  Mr.  Flam's  face, 
pasteboard  scenery,  gingerbread  nonsense,  and  twopenny 
gimcracks: — and  he  insinuated  that  if  our  worthy  repre 
sentative  would  lay  out  some  of  his  "accommodation"  in  a 
more  solid  manner  upon  Popular  Flats,  it  would  tell  here 
after  to  his  advantage.  But  Mr.  Flam  turns  a  deaf  ear  to 
all  Nicodemus's  preaching.  He  says  that  the  accommoda 
tion  is  better  laid  out  in  the  Chickasaw  Reserve,  where  he 
and  Amos  Kendall  mean  to  realise  a  large  fortune ;  and 
as  to  what  Mr.  Handy  is  pleased  to  call  gimcracks  and 
gingerbread,  that,  in  fact,  is  the  only  kind  of  decoration 


QUODLIBET.  65 

in  which  a  man,  who  respects  the  simplicity  and  purity  of 
democratic  government,  ought  to  indulge  his  taste.  "If," 
said  he,  "  my  old  castle,  my  obelisk  or  my  gothic  gateway 
were  built  of  stone  instead  of  white  pine,  a  fair  inference 
might  be  made  against  me  of  a  lurking  wish  to  restore  the 
exploded  aristocratic  system  of  primogeniture  and  entails. 
It  would  be  said  I  was  building  for  my  son  and  his  eldest 
born.  Thank  God,  no  such  treasonable  design  can  be  in 
ferred  from  this  gimcrack  and  gingerbread,  as  you  wittily 
term  it.  When  I  go,  sir,  my  estate  is  to  be  cut  up  as  our 
democratic  republican  laws  ordain;  and  my  gimcrack  and 
gingerbread  can  be  ploughed  in  as  easily  as  the  dockweed. 
Strange  as  it  may  sound  to  the  ears  of  some,  Gimcrack  and 
Gingerbread  are  the  elements  of  our  new  Democratic  Theory. 
Sir,  our  government  should  glory  in  it: — it  does  glory  in  it. 
There  is  no  reproach  in  the  fact  that  we  neither  build,  le 
gislate,  think  nor  determine  for  the  next  generation.  We 
attend  to  ourselves — that  is  genuine  New  Light  democracy. 
We  oppose  Vested  Rights,  we  oppose  Chartered  Privileges, 
we  oppose  Pledges  to  bind  future  legislatures,  we  oppose 
Tariffs,  Internal  Improvements,  Colleges  and  Universities, 
on  the  broad  democratic  ground,  that  we  have  nothing  to  do 
with  Posterity.  Posterity  will  be  as  free  as  we  are.  Let 
it  take  care  of  itself.  I  glory,  sir,  in  saying  New  Light 
democracy  riots  in  Gimcrack  and  Gingerbread." 

This  eloquent  outburst  of  sentiment  effectually  silenced 
Mr.  Handy  and  brought  him  thoroughly  into  Mr.  Flam's 
opinion.  I  rejoice  that  my  intimacy  with  this  able  states 
man  should  have  afforded  me  this  opportunity  to  show  the 
brilliancy  with  which  his  mind  sparkles  in  the  demonstra 
tion  of  political  truth,  and  the  wonderful  power  with  which 
it  converts  apparently  trivial  thoughts  into  golden  illustra 
tions  of  the  Democratic  Theory  as  lately  discovered  and 
practised. 

6* 


66  QIJODLIBET 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE  SECOND  ERA. — 'POPULATION  OF  QUODLIBET. — INCREASE  UNPARAL 
LELED  IN  ANCIENT  CITIES — EQUALLED  ONLY  BY  MILWAUKIE,  &C. — 
SUCCESS  OF  THE  BANK.— ATTACK  UPON  IT  IN  CONGRESS. — THE  HON. 
MIDDLETON  FLAM'S  TRIUMPHANT  VINDICATION.— SKETCH  OF  HIS  CEL 
EBRATED  SPEECH  BEFORE  THE  NEW  LIGHTS. — INIMITABLE  IRONY  ON 
THE  DIVORCE  OF  GOVERNMENT  AND  BANK. — MERITED  COMPLIMENT 
TO  THE  HEAD  OF  MR.  WOODBURY. — THAT  DISTINGUISHED  GENTLE- 
MAN'S  OPINIONS. 

IT  is  no  part  of  my  design  in  the  compilation  of  this  little 
history  to  preserve  the  form  of  a  regular,  chronological  nar 
rative  of  the  course  of  events  in  Quodlibet;  for  although  the 
material  for  such  a  continuous  recital  abounds  in  the  memo 
randa  which  I  have  preserved,  yet  it  seems  better  to  suit 
the  purpose  of  the  respectable  committee  who  have  invoked 
me  to  this  labor,  that  I  should  rather  make  excerpts  from 
the  mass  of  my  papers,  in  such  wise  as  to  bring  before  my 
reader  the  condition  of  the  Borough  at  several  epochs,  with 
an  occasional  reference  to  such  incidents  as  may  serve  to 
explain  the  opinions  of  our  people  and  illustrate  the  course 
of  that  beautiful  system  of  politics  which  the  world — I 
mean  that  world  of  which  our  Borough  is  the  centre — has 
consented  to  honor  with  the  epithet  of  Quodlibetarian;  and 
in  which  designation,  in  my  poor  judgment,  is  comprehend 
ed  the  essence  of  the  true  theory  by  which  this  nation  has 
advanced  to  its  present  unparalleled  state  of  prosperity  and 
grandeur. 


QUODLIBET.  67 

Following  this  suggestion,  I  propose  now  to  lead  my 
reader  to  that  epoch  in  the  annals  of  the  Borough  which 
dates  in  the  fourth  year  after  the  Removal,  or,  in  the  ver 
nacular  computation,  the  year  of  1836-7.  The  population 
of  Quodlibet  had  now  reached  to  the  astonishing  amount 
of  five  hundred  and  eighty  odd  souls — the  increase  being 
altogether  without  an  example  in  the  history  of  civiliza 
tion,  excepting,  perhaps,  in  that  of  Milwaukie,  Navarino, 
and  some  other  of  those  seemingly  incredible  and  fabulous 
creations  of  art  which  are  said  to  have  sprung  up  under  the 
beneficent  auspices  of  the  Quodlibetarian  theory,  as  the 
same  has  been  practised  in  this  government  for  some  few 
years  past.  Quodlibet,  I  repeat,  had  reached  in  population 
upwards  of  five  hundred  and  eighty  inhabitants,  as  was 
ascertained  by  a  diligent  enumeration  made  under  the  direc 
tion  of  our  New  Light  Club,  with  a  view  to  the  election  of 
a  constable  held  this  year  in  the  Borough; — and  when  we 
reflect  that  at  the  date  of  the  removal,  the  whole  settlement 
fell  short  of  one  hundred  persons  all  told,  it  will  be  per 
ceived  that  in  three  years  our  increase  has  exceeded  five 
hundred  per  cent.!!  Verily,  neither  London,  Athens,  nor 
Palmyra,  Karnac,  Luxor,  nor  even  Milwaukie  itself,  I  doubt, 
has  ever  manifested  so  prolific  an  augmentation. 

Nicodemus  Handy's  row  of  stores  on  the  Basin  was  the 
first  improvement,  as  I  have  already  informed  my  reader; 
then  Copperplate  Ridge  was  studded  with  buildings ;  at  the 
same  time  Flam  street  was  enriched  with  the  bank  and 
seven  brick  dwellings;  then  came  the  Female  Lyceum,  with 
the  Town  Hall  in  the  second  story  of  the  same  building, 
Peter  Ounce's  Boatman's  Hotel  on  the  other  side  of  the 
Basin,  the  Hay  Scales,  Zachary  Younghusband,  the  tinplate 
worker's  shop,  and  Dr.  Thomas  G.  Winkelman's  Druggist 
Store  and  Soda  Water  Pavilion.  These,  as  well  as  I  can 
recollect,  were  the  principal  establishments  erected  in  Quod- 


68  QUODLIBET. 

libet  in  the  three  years  I  have  referred  to.  There  were  a 
number  of  private  houses  built  in  this  period,  and  a  whole 
settlement  of  free  negroes  made  below  the  Basin,  on  the  line 
of  the  canal.  I  ought  to  mention,  too,  that  Nicodemus 
Handy  this  year  dug  out  the  foundations  and,  I  believe, 
built  the  cellar  walls  of  a  second  row  of  stores  and  of  a  new 
Hotel  designed  on  a  very  large  scale,  with  extensive  baths 
to  be  attached  to  it.  These  buildings,  it  pains  me  to  say,  in 
advance,  never  got  higher  than  the  first  story,  as  I  shall  be 
obliged  to  relate  hereafter. 

The  bank  did  a  sweeping  business  all  this  time;  and 
nothing  can  be  conceived  more  beautiful  than  the  theory 
upon  which  it  was  conducted.  It  has  run  out  of  my  mem 
ory  how  many  new  bales  of  pink  silk  paper  were  turned  off 
by  it,  but  the  amount  would  scarcely  be  believed  if  I  were 
to  set  it  down;  and  the  accommodation  principle  was  carried 
out  to  an  extent  that  must  have  been  truly  gratifying  to  the 
secretary.  Still  even  this  most  exemplary  institution  did 
not  escape  the  malevolence  of  the  Whigs.  That  ever-com 
plaining  party,  as  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  assured  us  by 
letter,  were  making  a  great  ado  in  congress  about  all  the 
banks,  but  particularly  about  ours — alleging,  in  their  usual 
factious  manner,  that  the  government  would  lose  money  by 
us,  as  well  as  by  the  others. 

Deeming  this  charge  as  one  of  peculiar  atrocity,  we  at 
once  determined  to  take  it  up  in  our  New  Light  Club,  and 
stamp  upon  it  the  most  conclusive  refutation.  We  accord 
ingly  fixed  an  evening  for  the  discussion,  during  Christmas 
week,  when  we  knew  that  our  member  would  be  at  home 
to  visit  his  family ;  and  he  was  of  course  invited  to  attend 
and  give  his  views  upon  this  very  interesting  question.  The 
meeting  was  in  the  Town  Hall  up  stairs  above  the  Female 
Lyceum.  All  Quodlibet  was  present.  I  shall  be  long  thank 
ful  to  Providence  for  the  dignified  station  which  it  fell  to  my 


QUODLIBET.  69 

lot  to  fill  on  that  memorable  occasion.  By  a  most  unexpected 
but  most  felicitous  chance,  I  was  honored  that  night  with  a 
call  to  the  chair;  the  worthy  Mr.  Snuffers,  our  president,  not 
being  able  to  attend  in  consequence  of  the  interesting  condi 
tion  of  Mrs.  Snuffers.  As  the  subject  of  discussion  was  one 
of  thrilling  interest,  the  most  intense  anxiety  prevailed  to  hear 
the  speech  of  our  eloquent  representative.  He  came  fully  pre 
pared,  bringing  with  him  a  load  of  documents.  Our  Vice,  Mr. 
Doubleday,  who  is  a  solid  thinking,  shrewd  person,  of  that 
maturity  of  judgment  which  it  is  impossible  to  impose  upon, 
and  himself,  by  the  by,  a  first  rate  debater,  told  me,  after 
we  broke  up,  that  Mr.  Flam's  diccourse  that  evening  on  the 
banking  system  at  large  and  on  the  safety  of  the  banks  in 
particular,  was  one  of  the  closest  pieces  of  reasoning  he  had 
ever  listened  to  in  his  life.  I  regret  that  I  have  preserved 
so  imperfect  an  outline  of  this  speech,  but  such  as  it  is  I 
offer  it  to  my  reader. 

The  orator  commenced  very  appropriately  by  remarking 
how  impossible  it  was,  in  the  nature  of  things,  to  satisfy 
the  Whigs  on  any  point.  He  said  there  were  three  parties 
in  Congress:  First,  the  Whigs — who  still  croaked  about  a 
National  Bank — and  his  description  of  their  croaking  was 
to  the  last  degree  humorous;  it  produced  peals  of  laughter: 
Second,  the  thorough-going  Quodlibetarian  Whole  Hogs, 
who  were  steadfast  and  immovable  for  the  State  Banks;  and 
a  Third  party,  small  in  numbers,  "  attenuated" — as  he  re 
marked  with  irresistibly  comic  effect — "and  gaunt;  feeble, 
shrill,  and  like  crickets  who  might  scarcely  be  seen  in  day 
time;"  and  who,  when  the  bill  to  Regulate  the  Deposites 
was  up,  presented  what,  in  his  opinion,  was  the  most  alarm 
ing,  if  it  had  not  been  the  most  ridiculous  scheme,  in  rela 
tion  to  the  public  money  that  had  ever  been  hatched  in  the 
hot  bed  of  faction.  These  men,  he  said  called  themselves 
Conservatives:  "And  what  think  you,  Mr.  President" — he 


70  QUODLIBET. 

asked — "  was  their  project?  It  was,  sir,  to  separate  the 
Government  from  the  Banks."  Here  Mr.  Flam  was  inter 
rupted  by  a  loud  laugh.  "  A  Mr.  Gordon,"  he  said,  "  was 
at  the  head  of  this  little  troop.  He  proposed  a  bill,  two 
sessions  ago,  to  place  the  revenue  and  public  monies  in 
the  hands  of  Receivers — the  monies  were  to  be  paid  to  these 
Receivers  in  GOLD  and  SILVER!  and  no  bank  was  to  be  entrust 
ed  with  a  dollar  !  !  And  this,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Flam,  with 
a  tone  of  inimitable  irony,  "  was  to  be  done  for  the  SAFETY 
of  the  public  Treasure  !  Your  money  not  safe  in  the  hands 
of  the  Banks,  but  perfectly  secure  in  the  keeping  of  these 
honest  Receivers,  who  were  to  be  furnished  with  vaults  and 
iron  chests  to  lock  it  up  in  ! ! !  Oh  rare  Conservatives ! — 
Oh  wise  Conservatives! — Oh  honest  Conservatives!" 

We  all  thought  the  ceiling  of  the  Town  Hall  would  have 
toppled  down  on  our  heads  from  the  laughter  occasioned  by 
this  sally.  In  this  admirable  strain  he  continued  for  some 
minutes.  At  length,  taking  himself  up,  and  falling  into  a  tone 
of  grave  expostulation,  he  pulled  out  a  copy  of  The  Globe 
from  his  pocket,  and  proceeded — 

"Admirably,  sir,  has  this  paper  which  I  hold  in  my  hand, 
descanted  on  this  most  wicked  project.  These  well-timed 
remarks,  I  beg  leave  to  read.  Hear  the  incomparable  Blair. 
'Had  such  a  suggestion,  says  he,  come  from  General  Jack 
son,  it  would  have  been  rung  through  the  Old  Dominion  as 
conclusive  proof  of  all  the  aspirations  ivhich  may  have  been 
charged  to  the  Hero  of  New  Orleans.  See  here,  they  would 
say,  he  ivishes  to  put  the  public  money  directly  into  the 
palms  of  his  friends  and  partisans,  instead  of  keeping  it  on 
deposite  in  Banks,  ivhence  it  cannot  be  drawn,  for  other 
than  public  purposes,  without  certain  detection.  In  such  a 
case,  we  should  feel  that  the  people  had  just  cause  for  alarm, 
and  ought  to  give  their  most  watchful  attention  to  such  an 
effort  to  enlarge  Executive  power,  and  put  in  its  hands 


QUODLIBET.  71 

the  means  of  corruption"  "  Most  admirably  again,"  con 
tinued  Mr.  Flam,  "  has  this  same  incomparable  Blair  said," 
4  The  scheme  is  disorganising  and  revolutionary,  subver 
sive  of  the  fundamental  principles  of  our  government,  and 
of  its  practice  from  1780  down  to  this  day.1  "  Will  you, 
freemen  of  Quodlibet,  gentlemen  of  The  New  Light,"  ex 
claimed  Mr.  Flam,  "  if  faction  should  go  so  far  as  to  put  this 
odious,  disorganising  and  revolutionary  yoke  upon  the 
country,  will  you,  freemen  of  Quodlibet,  submit  to  it?" 

"No!"  shouted  the  ready  response  of  sixty-four  voices— 

"  Gentlemen,  listen  to  the  words  of  the  Old  Hero" — con 
tinued  Mr.  Flam,  with  a  gratulatory  smile  playing  on  his 
face,  presenting  at  the  same  time,  a  printed  document  which 
he  carefully  unfolded — «*  listen  to  that  '  old  man  eloquent' 
whose  mouth  is  never  opened  but  to  breathe  the  precepts  of 
wisdom  and  patriotism: — I  read  you  from  his  last  message. 
In  remarking  upon  this  absurd  project,  the  President,  in  this 
able  paper,  holds  the  following  language;  '  To  retain  the 
Public  Revenue  in  the  Treasury  unemployed  in  any  way, 
is  impracticable.  It  is  considered  against  the  genius  of 
our  free  institutions  to  lock  up  in  vaults  the  treasure  of  the 
Nation.  Such  a  Treasure  would  doubtless  be  employed 
at  some  time,  as  it  has  in  other  countries,  when  opportu 
nity  tempted  ambition.1  "  Now  are  you  willing,  Men  of 
Quodlibet,"  again  ejaculated  our  eloquent  representative,  as 
he  slapped  the  document  upon  the  table,  "  are  you  willing, 
or  can  you  consent  to  tolerate  a  proposition,  which  is  against 
the  genius — 

"No!" — thundered  forth  sixty-four  New  Lights  again, 
before  our  orator  had  finished  the  sentence. 

"  Order,  order!  freemen  of  Qodlibet,"  I  called  out,  as  it 
was  my  duty  to  do,  at  this  interruption.  "  Hear  our  dis 
tinguished  representative  to  an  end,  before  you  respond." 

There  was  a  decorous  silence. 


72  QUODLIBET. 

"  A  proposition,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "which  is  against 
the  genius  of  our  free  institutions,  and  which  would  be  a 
lure  to  tempt  ambition  to  its  most  unholy  purposes?" 

The  club  looked  at  me  for  a  sign,  and  I,  quickly  giving  a 
nod  of  my  head,  a  loud  "  No"  ran  over  the  whole  room,  like 
a  feu  dejoie  fired  off  at  a  militia  training. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  "  one  word  as  to  the 
safety  of  these  deposites.  Whigs — oh  that  some  of  you 
were  present,  to  mark  how  a  plain  tale  shall  put  you  down! 
I  have  here  the  secretary's  own  report,"  he  added,  as  he 
selected  one  from  the  bundle  of  documents  which  lay  before 
him.  "  There  is  no  need  for  many  words  here — here  is 
Mr.  Secretary  Woodbury  himself,  than  whom  a  more  pel 
lucid,  diaphonous,  transparent  Secretary  of  the  treasury — a 
mind  of  rock  crystal,  a  head  of  sunbeams,  a  soul,  sir,  of 
pure  fountain  water,  that  gurgles  and  gurgles,  perpetually 
welling  forth  its  unadulterated  intelligence  in  a  purling 
stream,  of  which  it  may  be  said,  in  the  beautiful  language 
of  the  poet  of  antiquity 

'Rusticus  expectat  dum  defluat  amnis,  at  ille 
Labitur  et  labetur  in  omne  volubilis  sevum.' " 

Here  I  gave  a  nod,  by  way  of  signal  to  the  club,  to 
applaud  this  splendid  outbreak  of  Ciceronian  eloquence; 
whereat  the  New  Lights  vociferated:  "Bravo — three  times 
three!"  and  made  the  house  ring  with  their  approbation — 
— "I  say,  sir,  I  have  Mr.  Secretary  Woodbury  himself  here 
present." — 

Several  of  the  members,  not  being  accustomed  to  this 
parliamentary  language,  took  the  orator  literally,  and  rose  to 
welcome  Mr.  Senator  Woodbury;  but  a  word  from  me  ex 
plained  matters,  and  brought  the  club  again  to  order. — 

"The  secretary,  gentlemen  New  Lights,"  said  Mr. Flam, 
adroitly  availing  himself  of  the  occasion  to  throw  off  a  cor- 


QUODLIBET.  73 

ruscation  of  wit — "  the  secretary  lives  in  his  Reports — pro 
found,  statesmanlike,  recondite  and  deep,  his  report  is  in 
my  hand — it  is  himself!  I  will  read  you  what  he  says  upon 
this  matter  of  the  safety  of  the  banks." 

Here  Mr.  Flam  read  as  follows,  from  a  Report,  dated 
Dec.  12,  1834: 

"It  is  gratifying  to  reflect,  however,  that  the  credit  given  by 
the  government,  whether  to  bank  paper  or  bank  agents,  has  been 
accompanied  by  SMALLER  LOSSES  in  the  experience  under  the 
system  of  state  banks  in  this  country,  at  their  worst  periods,  and 
under  their  severest  calamities,  than  any  other  kind  of  credit  the 
government  has  ever  given  in  relation  to  its  pecuniary  transac 
tions."  "Again,"  he  continued,  turning  to  another  page — "It 
is  a  singular  fact,  in  praise  of  this  description  of  public  debtors 
— the  selected  banks— that  there  is  not  now  due,  on  deposite,  in 
the  whole  of  them,  which  have  ever  stopped  payment,  from  the 
establishment  of  the  constitution  to  the  present  moment,  a  sum 
much  beyond  what  is  now  due  to  the  United  States  from  one 
mercantile  firm,  that  stopped  payment  in  1825  or  1826,  and  of 
whom  ample  security  was  required,  and  supposed  to  be  taken 
under  the  responsibility  of  an  oath.  If  we  include  the  whole 
present  dues  to  the  government  from  discredited  banks  at  all 
times,  and  of  all  kinds,  whether  as  depositories  or  not,  and  em 
brace  even  counterfeit  bills,  and  every  other  species  of  unavail 
able  funds  in  the  treasury,  they  will  not  exceed  what  is  due  from 
two  such  firms.  Of  almost  one  hundred  banks,  not  depositories, 
which,  during  all  our  wars  and  commercial  embarrassments, 
have  heretofore  failed,  in  any  part  of  the  Union,  in  debt  to  the 
government,  on  their  bills  or  otherwise,  it  will  be  seen  by  the 
above  table  (to  which  Mr.  Flam  referred  as  annexed  to  the  re 
port)  that  the  whole  of  them,  except  seventeen,  have  adjusted 
every  thing  which  they  owed,  and  that  the  balance  due  from 
them,  without  interest,  is  less  than  $32,000." 

"There,  gentlemen  New  Lights  of  Quodlibet,"  said  Mr. 
Flam,  when  he  had  finished  reading  these  extracts,  ««  what 
can  be  added  beyond  this  certificate  from  the  secretary,  of 
7 


74  QUODLIBET. 

the  value  of  our  State  Banks?  Even  the  lips  of  whiggisrn 
are  sealed  before  it ;  and  nothing  is  left  but  the  confession 
that,  in  all  their  senseless  clamor  against  our  favorite  and 
long  tried  State  Bank  system,  the  course  of  its  enemies  has 
been  but  the  ebullition  of  disappointed  ambition  and  peevish 
discontent.  Are  you  willing,  I  ask,  to  see  this  glorious 
system  prostrated  to  the  earth?" 

"No!"  was  again  the  general  cry. 

"  Are  you  content  to  see  your  cherished  banks  stripped 
of  the  confidence  of  the  government?" 

"No — never,  never!"  shouted  the  New  Lights  to  a  man. 

"Then,  gentlemen  Quodlibetarians,  radii  of  the  New 
Lights,  you  have  justified  all  my  hopes.  Your  applause 
rewards  all  my  toils — your  support  and  confidence  enlist  all 
my  gratitude.  With  emotions  of  heart-felt  satisfaction,  I 
bid  you  each  good  night!" 

With  these  words,  this  remarkable  man  gathered  up  his 
documents,  and,  with  a  countenance  full  of  smiles,  retired 
from  the  midst  of  this  circle  of  his  devoted — yes,  I  may 
say,  his  idolizing  friends. 


QUODLIBET.  75 


CHAPTER  V. 


EXCITEMENT  PRODUCED  BY  THE  THOROCGHBLUE  WHOLE  TEAM. —  MEETING 
OF  THE  NEW  LIGHT. — JESSE  FERRET'S  AMBIDEXTERITY. — INTRODUC 
TION  OF  ELIPHALET  FOX  TO  THE  CLUB. — HIS  EXPOSITION  OF  PRINCI 
PLES. — ESTABLISHMENT  OF  THE  QUODLIBET  WHOLE  HOG. 

SOON  after  the  time  referred  to  in  the  last  chapter — that 
is,  when  we  were  favored  by  Mr.  Flam  with  his  views  on  the 
Banking  System — there  was  a  question  of  the  most  pro 
found  interest  in  agitation,  both  in  the  New  Light  Club  and 
out  of  it;  that  question  was  the  establishment  of  a  news 
paper.  The  Quodlibetarian  democracy  were,  I  am  sorry  to 
inform  my  reader,  most  sorely  and  wantonly  assailed,  in 
deed,  I  may  say,  insulted  by  an  hebdomadal  sheet  which, 
through  the  aid,  or,  more  properly  speaking,  the  abuse  of 
the  post  office  (for  surely  it  was  not  the  original  design  of 
that  institution  to  afford  the  means  of  corrupting  the  people 
by  the  dissemination  of  such  moral  poisons)  was  distributed 
amongst  sundry  of  our  citizens,  and  even  put  upon  the  files  of 
one  of  our  public  houses.  I  do  not  scruple  to  name  the  house 
— that  of  Jesse  Ferret — Jesse  being  at  this  time  a  little  am 
phibious  in  his  politics,  or,  in  Mr.  Fog's  expressive  language, 
rather  fishy.  The  paper  to  which  I  allude,  was  published 
at  Thorough  Blue  Court  House,  a  perfect  hot  bed  of  con 
tumacious  opposition,  situate  about  fifty  miles  due  west 
from  Quodlibet.  It  was  called  "THE  THOROUGH  BLUE 
WHOLE  TEAM,"  and  was  edited  by  Augustus  Postlethwaito 


76  QUODLIBET. 

Tompkinson,  an  inchoate  lawyer,  who  had  set  up  for  a 
poet,  and  whose  sentiments  were  of  the  most  dangerous 
whig  complexion.  This  paper  was  constantly  filled  with 
extracts  of  the  ravings  of  whig  members  of  congress  against 
our  admirable  system  of  banking,  and  had  gone  to  such  an 
extreme  of  rashness,  as  to  denominate  that  splendid  measure 
of  the  purest  and  wisest  statesman  of  the  age — my  reader  per 
ceives  I  mean  Mr.  Benton — for  the  introduction  of  the  gold 
currency,  a  humbug!  But  this  was  not  all;  the  unprincipled 
editor  of  that  reckless  journal  had  actually  so  far  forgotten 
all  the  decencies  of  civilised  society,  had  become  so  callous 
to  the  cause  of  virtue  and  truth,  as  to  launch  his  puny 
thunderbolts  at  the  fair  fame  of  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam. 
He  was  ridiculed  as  a  pretender!  he  was  nicknamed  a  char 
latan  ! !  and  the  unbridled  licence  of  this  unsparing  defamer 
did  not  stop  short  of  denouncing  him  as  a  Federalist ! ! ! 
All  Quodlibet — that  is,  all  who  possessed  the  soul  of  Quod- 
libetarians — raised  up  their  hands  at  the  political  impiety  of 
this  libel.  A  spontaneous  burst  of  feeling  indicated  the 
deep  sentiment  which  called  for  immediate  action  on  the 
subject.  For  a  full  week,  the  New  Light  was  in  a  state  of 
paroxysm.  The  Club  met  every  night.  Nicodemus  Handy 
was  there;  Fog  was  there;  Nim  Porter  was  there;  Snuffers 
and  Doubleday,  Doctor  Winkleman  and  Zachary  Young- 
husband  recently  appointed  Post  Master  of  the  borough, 
were  there.  Every  thorough  bred  Quod,  even  down  to 
Flan.  Sucker  was  there.  Jesse  Ferret,  I  have  already  said, 
was  fishy.  I  regret  to  say  it,  but  it  is  true.  Jesse  bending 
to  the  suppleness  of  the  times,  and  forgetting  a  patriot's 
duty,  which  is  first  and  foremost  above  all  things  to  stick  to 
his  party,  pleaded  his  public  calling  to  excuse  his  vacilla 
tion,  and  even  went  so  far  as  to  say  that  "  a  publican  should 
have  no  politics."  Oh  shame,  where  is  thy  blush!  Not  so 
with  Nim  Porter; — his  soul  towered  above  the  bar-room; 


QUODLIBET.  77 

he  would  bet  all  he  was  worth  on  the  side  of  his  party. 
Every  body  in  Quodlibet  knows  how  free  Nim  always  was 
with  his  bets. 

The  decisive  meeting  of  the  club  took  place  in  the 
dining  room  of  Ferret's  tavern.  Nicodemus  Handy  did 
not  often  attend  the  meetings  of  the  club :  we  looked  to 
him  rather  for  head  work,  for  he  was  not  the  best  of  public 
speakers — but  on  the  night  of  this  assemblage  he  made  it  a 
point  to  be  present.  Mr.  Handy  is  rather  a  short,  fat  man; 
his  head  is  partially  bald,  his  face  is  smooth  and  fair,  his 
dress  was  always  remarked  for  being  of  the  best  material 
put  on  in  the  neatest  manner — in  short,  Mr.  Handy  is  a 
first  rate  gentleman.  I  am  particular  in  noting  these  mat 
ters,  because  THE  WHOLE  TEAM  was  in  the  habit  of  brag 
ging  that  "all  the  decency"  was  on  his  side.  Now  I  would 
challenge  Thorough  Blue  Court  House,  and  the  settlement 
ten  miles  around  it — the  whole  region  is  whig — to  produce 
one  man  amongst  them  to  compare  either  with  the  Hon. 
Middleton  Flam  or  Nicodemus  Handy.  And  I  would  take 
this  occasion  further  to  remark,  in  refutation  of  THE  WHOLE 
TEAM'S  calumny  touching  "  all  the  decency,"  that  the  true 
Quodlibetarian  democrats  have  as  great  a  respect  for  appear 
ance,  and  as  profound  a  spirit  of  assentation  and  regard 
towards  a  man  of  wealth,  as  the  people  of  any  country 
upon  earth:  if  any  thing,  our  tip  top  Quods  carry  rather  a 
higher  head  than  the  richest  whigs  in  these  parts,  and  any 
dispassionate  man  who  will  examine  into  the  matter  will 
say  so. 

Snuffers  was  in  the  chair.  The  members  of  the  club  did 
not  sit  down :  they  were  too  much  agitated  to  sit  down. 
As  soon  as  I,  in  my  character  of  secretary,  read  the  minutes 
of  the  preceding  meeting,  Mr.  Handy  rose,  and  after  some 
very  appropriate  remarks  delivered  in  a  modest  fashion,  (in 

7* 


78  QUODLIBET. 

which  he  assured  the  club  that  he  was  unaccustomed  to  pub 
lic  speaking  and  moreover  oppressed  by  the  intensity  of  his 
feelings  in  regard  to  the  recent  attack  on  his  friend,  the 
Honorable  Middleton  Flam,  and  in  a  slight  degree  agitated 
in  the  presence  of  this  most  respectable  assemblage  of 
Quods,)  came  at  once  to  the  point.  "Who,"  he  asked, 
"  was  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tompkinson?  His  name 
told  you  who  he  was ; — an  aristocrat,  a  poet,  a  sentiment- 
aliser,  a  dealer  in  fiction!  What  was  his  calling?  A 
pander,  a  pimp,  a  professional  re  viler  of  great  and  good 
men.  What  was  his  paper?  That  sink  of  infamy,  THE 
WHOLE  TEAM — twenty-four  by  eighteen,  with  a  poet's 
corner,  and  an  outside  stuffed  with  a  few  beggarly  adver 
tisements.  Would  gentlemen  submit  to  be  led  by  the  nose 
by  a  thing  like  that,  twenty-four  by  eighteen?" 

"  Never,"  cried  out  Flanigan  Sucker,  who  stood  in  the 
doorway,  just  behind  Nim  Porter — "  will  we  Nim?" 

"  Silence,"  said  Mr.  Snuffers. 

"  If  gentlemen  have  my  feelings  of  indignation  on  this 
subject,"  continued  Mr.  Handy,  "  they  will  concur  with 
me  in  establishing  a  paper  of  our  own." 

"  Go  it,  Nicodemus!"  shouted  Flan.  Sucker,  very  indeco 
rously  putting  in  his  word  a  second  time. 

Thereupon  arose  some  confusion  in  the  club,  and  Flan 
being  found  upon  examination  to  be  muddled  with  liquor, 
was  requested  to  retire;  and  not  being  very  prompt  to  obey 
this  invitation,  he  was  turned  out. 

Mr.  Handy  then  proceeded.  "  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  a 
paper  we  must  have,  and  I  feel  happy  in  the  opportunity 
to  introduce  to  your  acquaintance  a  good  friend  of  our 
cause,  who  is  here  present  to  night,  and  who,  under  the 
auspices  of  this  club,  is  willing  to  undertake  the  responsible 
duty  of  supplying  this  so  much  desiderated  object.  I  beg 
leave  to  present  to  you  Mr.  Eliphalet  Fox,  a  gentleman  long 


QUODLIBET.  79 

connected  with  the  press  in  a  neighboring  state,  and  who  is 
prepared  to  submit  to  you  his  scheme." 

Upon  this  a  stranger,  who  had  been  seated  in  a  back  part 
of  the  room,  wrapped  up  in  a  green  camlet  cloak  with  plaid 
lining,  which  I  may  add  had  apparently  seen  much  service, 
stepped  forward,  and  disrobing  himself  of  this  outer  garment, 
stood  full  before  the  president.  He  was  a  thin,  faded  little  fel 
low,  whose  clothes  seemed  to  be  somewhat  too  large  for  him. 
His  eye  was  gray  and  rather  dull,  his  physiognomy  melan 
choly,  his  cheek  sunken,  his  complexion  freckled,  his  coat 
blue,  the  buttons  dingy,  his  hair  sandy  and  like  untwisted 
rope.  The  first  glance  at  the  person  of  this  new  comer 
gave  every  man  of  the  club  the  assurance  that  here  was  an 
editor  indeed.  A  whisper  of  approbation  ran  through  the 
crowd,  and  from  that  moment,  as  Mr.  Doubleday  after 
wards  said  to  me,  we  felt  assured  that  we  had  the  man  we 
waifted. 

«« Mr.  President,"  said  he,  in  a  feeble  and  sickly  voice, 
"  my  name  is  Fox.  I  am  in  want'  of  employment.  Sir," 
he  added,  gritting  his  teeth  and  taking  an  attitude,  "  if  the 
rancor  of  my  soul,  accumulated  by  maltreatment,  set  on  edge 
by  disappointment,  indurated  by  time,  entitle  me  to  claim 
your  confidence,  then,  sir,  my  claim  stands  number  one. 
If  a  thorough  knowledge,  sir,  of  the  characteristic  traits  of 
federalism,  long  acquaintance  with  its  designs,  persecution, 
sir,  from  its  votaries,  a  deep  experience  of  its  black  ingrati 
tude  ;  if  days  of  toil  spent  in  its  service,  nights  of  feverish 
anxiety  protracted  in  ruminating  over  its  purposes ;  if  pro 
mises  violated,  hopes  blasted,  labors  unrewarded,  may  be 
deemed  a  stimulus  to  hatred — then,  sir,  am  I  richly  endowed 
with  the  qualifications  to  expose  the  enemies  of  Quodlibe- 
tarian  democracy.  I  am  a  child,  sir,  of  sorrow:  the  milk 
of  my  nature  has  been  curdled  by  neglect.  Mine  is  a  his 
tory  of  talents  underrated,  sensibilities  derided,  patriotism 


80  QUODLIBET. 

spurned,  affluence,  nay  competence,  withheld,.  The  world 
has  turned  me  aside.  I  have  no  resting  place  on  the  bosom 
of  my  mother.  Society,  like  a  demon,  pursues  me.  Writs 
in  the  hands  of  the  sheriff,  judgments  on  the  docket,  ft. 
fas.  and  ca.  sas.  track  my  footsteps.  No  limitation  runs  in 
my  favor:  the  scire  facias,  ever  ready,  revives  the  inhuman 
judgment,  and  my  second  shirt — my  first  is  in  rags — is 
stripped  from  my  body  to  glut  the  avarice  of  my  relentless 
pursuers.  Thank  God,  I  have  at  last  found  a  friend  in  that 
distinguished  man  who  has  been  so  ruthlessly,  so  recently 
assailed,  by  that  fledgling  of  the  aristocracy,  Augustus  Pos- 
tlethwaite  Tompkinson.  Yes,  sir,  in  the  Honorable  Middle- 
ton  Flam  I  have  found  a  friend.  He  has  given  me  letters  to 
this  benevolent  gentleman,  Mr.  Handy;  he  has  recommended 
my  establishment  here;  he  promises  to  co-operate  with  this 
respectable  club  in  giving  me  a  foothold  amongst  you.  With 
her  Flams  and  her  Handys,  Quodlibet  is  destined  to  an 
enviable  influence  in  this  great  republic."  (Here  he  was 
interrupted  by  loud  cheers.)  "  My  scheme  is,  Mr.  Presi 
dent,  with  the  aid  of  this  club,  and  that  of  the  benefactors 
I  have  named,  forthwith  to  start  THE  QUODLIBET  WHOLE 
HOG.  It  shall  take  a  decided  and  uncompromising  stand 
against  THE  THOROUGHBLUE  WHOLE  TEAM  (here  he  was 
again  arrested  by  cheers);  pledged  to  contradict  every  word 
uttered  by  that  vile  print  (cheers);  to  traduce  and  bring  down 
its  editor  by  the  most  systematic  disparagement  (cheers); 
to  disprove  all  Whig  assertions;  unfailingly  to  take  the  oppo 
site  side  on  all  questions;  industriously  to  lower  the  stand 
ing  of  the  members  of  the  Whig  party  (immense  cheers); 
through  thick  and  thin,  good  report  and  evil  report,  for 
better  and  for  worse,  to  defend  and  sustain  the  administra 
tion  of  the  new  President,  who  is  about  to  take  his  seat,  that 
incomparable  democrat  of  the  genuine  Quodlibetarian  stamp, 
Martin  Van  Buren  (at  this  point  the  cheering  continued  for 


QUODLIBET.  81 

some  moments,  with  snch  violence  that  the  speaker  had  to 
suspend  his  remarks);  and  finally,  sir,  to  commend,  exalt, 
and  illustrate  the  character  and  pretensions  of  our  unrivalled 
friend  Mr.  Flam  (immense  cheering),  giving  utterance  to 
his  sentiments,  preponderance  to  his  opinions,  authority  to 
his  advice  on  all  proper  and  suitable  occasions  (loud  cheer 
ing  for  a  long  time).  In  short,  sir,  The  Whole  Hog  shall 
be  what  its  name  imports,  a  faithful  mirror  of  the  democracy 
of  Quodlibet.  Its  publication  shall  be  weekly;  its  size, 
twenty-six  by  twenty,  having  the  advantage  over  the  Whole 
Team  by  full  two  inches  each  way.  There,  sir,  is  an  out 
line  of  my  sentiments  and  proposed  paper."  Mr.  Fox 
concluded  this  address  in  the  midst  of  a  congratulatory  up 
roar,  altogether  unprecedented  in  the  club. 

Seizing  upon  the  enthusiasm  of  the  moment,  and  being 
rather  fearful  that  Fog  would  attempt  to  make  a  speech, 
which  that  gentleman's  condition  would  have  rendered  ex 
tremely  improper  at  this  hour,  Mr.  Handy  immediately 
offered  a  resolution  for  the  establishment  of  the  Whole  Hog, 
and  its  adoption  as  the  organ  of  the  party,  on  the  principles 
proposed  by  Mr.  Fox.  This  was  carried  by  acclamation; 
and  the  members  without  further  discussion  adjourned  to  the 
bar-room,  where  Nim  Porter  offered  a  bet — and  not  finding 
any  one  to  take  him  up,  continued  to  offer  it  during  the 
evening — of  fifty  dollars  to  twenty-five,  or  one  hundred  to 
fifty,  that  Eliphalet  Fox  would  run  Augustus  Posthlewaite 
Tompkinson's  Whole  Team  out  of  Quodlibet  in  six  months 
from  that  day: — that  there  would  not  be  but  two  copies  of 
the  Whole  Team  taken  in  the  borough,  and  that  one  of 
them  would  be  Michael  Grant's  out  at  the  HOOT  Back: — "for" 

O 

said  Nim,  with  an  oath,  which  I  will  not  repeat — "  I  can 
see  it  in  that  Liphlet  Fox's  eye;  if  he  isn't  a  gouger  when  his 
bile's  fresh,  there  aint  nothing  in  Lavender  on  Physiology, 
or  Fowler  on  the  Shape  of  Heads." 


82  QUODLIBET 


CHAPTER  VI. 

BEING  A  SHORT  HISTORY  OF  ELIPHALET  FOX. 

ELIPHALET  Fox's  paper,  "  The  Whole  Hog,"  made  its 
first  appearance  on  the  day  of  the  inauguration  of  President 
Van  Buren.  Bright  were  the  omens  that  heralded  its  birth. 
The  lustrous  orb  of  Jackson  had  just  set  in  an  ocean  of 
splendor.  Happy  old  man!  Felix  qui  potuit  rerum  cog- 
noscere  causas !  In  the  glowing  language  of  his  own  im 
mortal  valedictory,  he  left  "  this  great  people  prosperous 
and  happy."  That  star  of  the  second  magnitude,  Martin 
Van  Buren,  first  amongst  the  sidera  minora,  had  just  risen. 
In  the  nearly  equally  immortal  salutatory  of  this  Sidus 
Minor,  he  spake  the  words,  "  we  present  an  aggregate  of 
human  prosperity  surely  not  elsewhere  to  be  found."  For 
tunate  omens,  incomparable  auspices !  Under  these  cheer 
ing  signs  "The  Whole  Hog"  appeared  upon  the  stage. 

Never  was  paper  more  faithful  to  the  Quodlibetarian 
theory.  Never  was  editor  more  richly  endowed  to  sustain 
that  theory  than  Eliphalet  Fox.  My  reader  will  doubtless 
expect  that  I  should  impart  such  gleanings  of  the  editor's 
life,  as  my  diligent  researches  have  enabled  me  to  collect. 
This  reasonable  expectation  shall  be  indulged. 

Eliphalet  Fox,  was  one  of  those  men,  whose  career  fur 
nishes  so  remarkable  a  commentary  upon  the  beneficent 
character  of  our  great  democratic  Quodlibetarian  principle. 


QUODLIBET.  83 

His  ancestors  two  generations  back,  were  Federal  and  rich: 
in  the  last  generation  they  were  Federal  and  poor — a  transi 
tion  strikingly  natural  and  eminently  illustrative  of  our  free 
institutions.  Eliphalet  was  born  in  the  town  of  Gabwrangle 
in  the  adjoining  state.  His  education  was  circumscribed  to 
the  circle  of  reading,  writing  and  arithmetic,  which  Elipha 
let  himself  sometimes  jocosely  describes  as  algebraically 
denoted  by  the  signs  of  the  three  R's ;  to  wit,  Reading, 
Righting  and  Rithmetic — a  joke  (mehercule)  both  ingenious 
and  new! 

His  parents  being,  as  I  may  say,  inops  pecuniae,  bound 
Eliphalet  to  a  trade;  but  handicraft  was  abhorrent  to  his 
genius.  His  temper  was  sour  and  peevish;  and  though 
seemingly  meek,  even  to  a  degree  of  asininity,  in  his  de 
meanor,  yet  it  was  early  discovered  that,  upon  occasion,  he 
could  very  deftly  and  nimbly,  as  the  poet  says,  "  unpack 
his  heart  with  words  and  fall  to  swearing  like  a  very  drab." 
This  art  was  too  valuable  in  Eliphalet's  time  to  go  long 
without  a  patron;  and  accordingly,  after  he  had  worked  four 
most  reluctant  years  in  a  printing  office,  to  which  his  respec 
table  parents,  thwarting  the  current  of  his  genius,  had  de 
voted  him,  he  was  discovered  and  taken  by  the  hand  by 
Mr.  Theophilus  Flam,  brother  of  the  late  Judge,  and  leader 
of  the  Federal  party  of  Gabwrangle.  It  was  just  before 
the  war;  and  the  party  being  hard  set  upon  by  its  enemies, 
had,  like  a  cat  surrounded  by  curs,  thrown  itself  upon  its 
back,  and  essayed  to  defend  itself,  most  cattishly,  with  claw 
and  tooth.  And  sharply,  as  we  well  know,  did  they  fight. 
Eliphalet,  in  this  strife,  played  the  part  of  a  claw,  showing 
most  admirable  spring  nails,  though  ordinarily  hid,  and 
therefore  but  little  suspected  in  his  velvet  paw.  His  position 
in  this  battle  was  that  of  conductor  of  "  The  Gabwrangle 
Grimalkin,"  a  cross-grained,  querulous,  tart  and  vinegarish 
little  folio,  which  hoisted  the  banner  of  Theophilus  Flam, 


84  QUODLIBET. 

and  swore  in  his  words.  Eliphalet  Fox,  in  consequence  of 
the  trusty  position  which  was  thus  confided  to  him,  and  still 
more  by  reason  of  a  certain  rabid,  but  laudable,  hatred  of  all 
who  bore  the  name  of  Democrat,  in  those  days  (and  here  I 
would  have  my  reader  mark  that  a  Democrat  of  1812  was 
a  very  different  thing  from  a  Democrat  of  this  our  day, 
especially  from  a  true  Quodlibetarian  Democrat)  rose  to  be 
a  person  of  great  consideration  in  Gabwrangle.  The  party 
of  Theophilus  Flam,  like  our  illustrious  chief  of  the  new 
Democracy,  Mr.  Van  Buren,  made  sturdy  opposition  to 
Madison  and  his  unrighteous  war,  and  finally  enjoyed  the 
satisfaction  of  a  complete  triumph  over  all  their  political 
adversaries  in  Gabwrangle,  by  an  utter  route  of  the  spurious 
Democrats  who  opposed  them :  a  point  of  good  fortune  which 
did  not  fall  to  the  lot  of  our  illustrious  chief  at  Kinderhook; 
since  history  records  the  disastrous  fact  that  he,  so  far  from 
conquering,  was  obliged  to  give  in,  and  was  even  unhappily 
compelled,  by  the  force  of  adverse  winds,  to  go  over  to  the 
majority,  (an  event  very  distressing  to  his  feelings,)  when  he 
found  that  that  majority  was  so  obstinate  as  to  refuse  to 
come  on  his  side:  he  was,  if  I  may  so  say,  as  it  were,  a 
prisoner  of  war,  and  acted  under  a  vis  major.  But  at  Gab- 
wrangle,  thanks  to  the  persevering  tongue  and  pen  of 
Eliphalet  Fox!  it  was  all  the  other  way;  and  "  The  Grim 
alkin,"  to  the  last,  enjoyed  a  most  enviable  renown  as  the 
bitterest  reviler  of  Mr.  Madison  and  his  doings. 

Habit  grows  into  an  instinct,  and  as  times  change  our 
habits  are  the  last  to  follow  the  fashion.  It  is  only  by  re 
ferring  to  this  deep-seated  principle  of  human  nature,  that  I 
am  able  to  account  for  the  extraordinary  vituperation  which 
Eliphalet  Fox,  at  a  later  day,  poured  upon  the  head  of  the 
Old  Hero  when  he  was  brought  out  for  President.  The 
Grimalkin,  like  all  poison-concocting  animals,  grew  more 
venomous  as  it  grew  older;  and  were  it  not  that  Eliphalet 


QUODLIBET.  85 

has  repented  of  this  folly,  and  amply  atoned  for  its  commis 
sion,  I  should  blush  to  record  the  almost  savage  ferocity, 
the  altogether  unpardonable  acerbity,  and  above  all,  the  tho 
roughly  Unquodlibetarian  freedom  with  which  he  assailed 
the  purest  man  that  in  the  tide  of  time — as  another  pure 
man  has  remarked — ever  appeared  upon  this  terraqueous 
globe.  But  the  truth  is,  Eliphalet  had  fallen  into  a  habit  of 
detraction,  and  did  it  without  thinking: — that  is  the  best  ex 
cuse  that  can  be  made  for  him.  The  old  Federalists  of 
Gabwrangle  and,  foremost  amongst  them,  his  master, 
Theophilus  Flam,  soon  corrected  this  unhappy  proclivity, 
and  gave  him  to  understand  that  he  was  on  a  wrong  scent. 
They  peremptorily,  to  their  great  honor,  insisted,  that  from 
that  day  forth  the  Grimalkin  must  be  decent.  The  conse 
quence  of  this  was  fatal  to  Eliphalet  Fox — fatal  at  least  to 
his  prosperity  in  Gabwrangle.  Thenceforth  the  Grimal 
kin  sunk  into  insignificance.  As  the  poet  says,  Othello's 
occupation  was  gone.  The  subscribers  grew  testy  and 
dropped  off,  under  the  influence  of  this  uncongenial  decency 
exacted  from  the  editor.  Eliphalet  borrowed  money,  his 
habiliments  grew  shabby,  he  took  up  mean  callings  for  the 
sake  of  pelf,  he  became  a  spunge;  he  grew  bilious,  atra 
bilious,  patriotic  and  indignant.  He  went  for  REFORM — 
reform  of  the  General  Government,  reform  of  the  State  Con 
stitution,  reform  of  private  manners,  reform  of  public  obser 
vances.  He  took  up  an  aversion  to  all  kinds  of  respecta 
bility,  became  a  deadly  enemy  to  every  man  who  laid  up 
any  money — made  this  sentiment  a  political  question,  talked 
of  a  division  of  property,  called  Nature  a  stepmother,  said 
sundry  hard  things  about  the  persecution  of  genius,  and 
finally,  one  Sunday  night,  eloped  from  Gabwrangle,  leav 
ing  his  fiscal  responsibilities  in  a  state  of  as  much  perplexity 
as  that  into  which  these  vile  Whigs  have  brought  Mr.  Wood- 
bury's.  Alas  for  Eliphalet!  little  did  he  dream  that  out  o 
8 


86  QUODLIBET. 

this  desolation  and  dismay  he  was  to  pluck  so  bright  a 
flower  of  prosperity  as  he  now  wears  in  his  bosom.  All 
the  hounds  of  the  law — as  he  so  eloquently  painted  it  to 
the  New  Light  at  our  celebrated  meeting — were  set  upon 
his  track;  but  grace  to  his  better  destiny !  he  eluded  them. 
To  twenty  writs  placed  on  Monday  morning  in  the  she 
riff's  hands,  that  functionary  made  his  return  on  Tuesday 
evening,  "  Eloped  under  whip  and  spur  out  of  the  Baili 
wick"— Oh  lucky  Eliphalet! 

In  these  straits  the  badgered  patriot  went  to  Washington; 
was  recognised  by  our  distinguished  representative  who, 
knowing  that  we  were  in  want  of  an  editor  fit  to  cope  with 
The  Whole  Team,  gave  him  a  warm  letter  of  recommenda 
tion  to  Nicodemus  Handy,  and  forthwith  was  projected  that 
famous  movement,  whereof  I  have  already  given  the  his 
tory,  and  which  has  so  auspiciously  resulted  in  the  estab 
lishment  of  The  Quodlibet  Whole  Hog. 


QUOPL1BET.  87 


CHAPTER  VII. 


ASTOUNDING  EVENT. — SUSPENSION  OF  SPECIE  PAYMENTS. — PROCEEDINGS 
OF  THE  BANK  OF  QUODLIBET  THEREUPON. — RESOLVE  OF  THE  DIREC 
TORS  AGAINST  SUSPENSION. — CONSPIRACY  AND  THREATENED  REVOLU 
TION  HEADED  BY  FLAN  SUCKER. — DIRECTORS  CHANGE  THEIR  MIND. — 
THEIR  CONSTERNATION  AND  ESCAPE. — REMARKABLE  BRAVERY  AND 
PRESENCE  OF  MIND  OF  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM. — HIS  SPLENDID 
APPEAL  TO  THE  INSURGENTS. — GENERAL  JACKSON'S  ORACULAR  VIEW* 
IN  REGARD  TO  THE  SUSPENSION. 

PROH  hominum  fidem! 

It  falls  to  my  lot,  at  this  stage  of  my  history,  to  be  con 
strained  to  record  an  event  the  most  astounding,  the  most 
awful,  the  most  unexpected,  the  most  treacherous,  the  most 
ungrateful,  the  most  flagitious — yea,  the  most  supereminent 
ly  flagitious,  that  the  history  of  mankind  affords.  Not 
withstanding  that  laudatory  and  political  ejaculation  which 
The  Hero  and  Sage  breathed  out  in  the  evening  of  his  bril 
liant  career,  like  the  last  notes  of  the  swan,  «'  I  leave  this 
great  people  prosperous  and  happy" — notwithstanding  that 
flattering  canzonet,  with  which  he  who  pledges  himself  to 
walk  in  the  Hero  and  Sage's  footsteps,  began  his  illustrious 
course,  singing  as  it  were  the  morning  carol  of  the  lark — 
"  we  present  an  aggregate  of  human  prosperity  surely  not 
elsewhere  to  be  found" — the  echo  of  these  sweet  sounds  had 
not  died  away  upon  the  tympana  of  our  ravished  ears,  be 
fore  these  banks — these  gentle  pet  banks — these  fostered,  fa- 


88  QUODLIBET. 

vored,  sugar-plum  and  candy-fed  pet  banks,  with  all  their 
troop  of  curtailed,  combed  and  pampered  paragon  sister 
banks,  one  and  all,  without  one  pang  of  remorse,  without 
one  word  of  warning,  without  even  as  far  as  we  could  see, 
one  tingle  of  a  suppressed  and  struggling  blush,  incontinently 
suspended  specie  payments ! !  O  curas  hominum!  Quan 
tum  est  in  rebus  inane! 

Shall  I  tell  it?  Even  the  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of 
Quodlibet  was  compelled  to  follow  in  this  faithless  path. 
Not  at  once,  I  confess — not  off-hand,  and  with  such  malice 
prepense  as  the  others — for  Nicodemus  Handy  had  a  soul 
above  such  black  ingratitude — but  after  a  pause,  and  let  the 
truth  be  told  in  extenuation,  because  he  could  not  help  it. 

The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  was  sent  for  upon  the  first 
tidings  of  this  extraordinary  kicking  in  the  traces  by  these 
high  mettled  institutions — tidings  which  reached  Quod 
libet,  via  the  canal,  about  eleven  o'clock  one  morning  in 
May.  The  directors  were  summoned  into  council.  What 
was  to  be  done?  was  the  general  question.  Anthony 
Hardbottle,  of  the  firm  of  Barndollar  &,  Hardbottle — a 
grave  man  and  a  thoughtful;  a  man  without  flash,  who 
seldom  smiles — a  lean  man,  hard  favored  and  simple  in 
his  outgoings  and  incomings;  a  man  who  has  nev€r  sport 
ed  as  long  as  I  have  known  him,  any  other  coat  than  that 
snuff  brown  with  covered  buttons,  and  who  does  not 
wear  out  above  one  pair  of  shoes  in  a  year;  a  man  who 
could  never  be  persuaded  to  give  so  far  into  the  times  as  to 
put  on  a  black  cravat,  but  has  always  stuck  to  the  white: — 
such  a  man,  it  may  be  easily  imagined,  was  not  to  be  car 
ried  away  by  new-fangled  notions: — he  was  there  at  the 
Board,  in  place  of  Theodore  Fog  who  was  compelled  two 
years  before  to  withdraw  his  name  as  a  candidate  for  re-elec 
tion.  This  same  Anthony  Hardbottle,  speaking  under  the 
dictates  of  that  cautious  wisdom  natural  to  him  as  a  mer- 


QUODLIBET.  89 

chant,  answered  this  question  of  What  was  to  be  done — by 
another  equally  laconic  and  pregnant  with  meaning — 

"  How  much  cash  have  we  on  hand?" 

"  One  hundred  and  seven  dollars  and  thirty  seven  and  a 
half  cents  in  silver,"  replied  Nicodemus,  "  and  five  half 
eagles  in  gold,  which  were  brought  here  by  our  honorable 
President  and  placed  on  deposite,  after  he  had  used  them  in 
the  last  election  for  the  purpose  of  showing  the  people 
what  an  admirable  currency  we  were  to  have,  as  soon  as 
Mr.  Benton  should  succeed  in  making  it  float  up  the  stream 
of  the  Mississippi." 

Again  asked  Anthony  Hardbottle,  "  What  circulation 
have  you  abroad?" 

"  Six  hundred  thousand  dollars" — replied  Nicodemus — 
"  and  a  trifle  over." 

"Then,"  said  Anthony,  "I  think  we  had  better  suspend 
with  the  rest." 

"  Never,"  said  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  rising  from  his 
seat  and  thumping  the  table  violently  with  his  hand.  "Never, 
sir,  whilst  I  am  President  of  this  bank,  and  there  is  a  shot 
in  the  locker." 

"  Bravo — well  said,  admirably  said,  spoke  as  a  Quodli- 
betarian  ought  to  speak!" — shouted  Dr.  Thomas  G.  Win- 
kleman  the  keeper  of  the  soda  water  Pavilion;  "  I  have 
fifteen  dollars  in  five  penny  bits;  they  are  at  the  service  of 
the  Board,  and  while  I  hold  a  piece  of  coin,  the  Patriotic 
Copperplate  Bank  shall  never  be  subjected  to  the  reproach 
of  being  unable  to  meet  its  obligations.  Anthony  Hard- 
bottle,  as  a  democrat  I  am  surprised  at  you." 

"I  can't  help  it,"  replied  Anthony;  "in  my  opinion, 
our  issues  are  larger  than  our  means." 

"  How,  larger,  sir?"  demanded  Mr.  Snuffers,  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  New  Light,  with  some  asperity  of  tone. — 
"  Haven't  we  a  batch  of  bran  new  notes,  just  signed  and 

8* 


90  QUODLIBET. 

ready  for  delivery?     Redeem  the  old  ones  with  new. — Why 
should  we  suspend?" 

"  Gentlemen,  I  will  put  the  question  to  the  Board,"  in 
terposed  Mr.  Flam,  fearful  lest  a  quarrel  might  arise,  if  the 
debate  continued.  "  Shall  this  Bank  suspend  specie  pay 
ments?  Those  in  favor  of  this  iniquitous  proposition  will 
say  AYE." 

No  one  answered.  Anthony  Hardbottle  was  intimidated 
by  the  President's  stern  manner. 

"  Those  opposed  to  it  will  say  No." 

"  No!"  was  the  universal  acclamation  of  the  Board, 
with  the  exception  of  Anthony  Hardbottle  who  did  not  open 
his  lips. 

"  Thank  you,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  "for  this  gene 
rous  support.  I  should  have  been  compelled  by  the  adop 
tion  of  this  proposition,  much  as  I  esteem  this  Board,  much 
as  I  value  your  good  opinion,  to  have  returned  the  commis 
sion  with  which  you  have  honored  me  as  your  President. 
Our  country  first  and  then  ourselves.  The  Democracy  of 
Quodlibet  never  will  suspend!" 

At  this  moment  confused  noises  were  heard  in  the  bank 
ing  room,  which  adjoined  that  in  which  the  directors  were 
convened.  Mr.  Handy  immediately  sprang  from  his  chair 
and  went  into  this  apartment. 

There  stood  about  thirty  persons,  principally  boatmen 
from  the  canal.  At  their  head,  some  paces  advanced  into 
the  bank,  was  Flanigan  Sucker.  One  sleeve  of  Flan's  coat 
was  torn  open  from  the  shoulder  to  the  wrist ;  his  shirt,  of 
a  very  indefinite  complexion,  was  open  at  the  breast  disclo 
sing  the  shaggy  mat  of  hair  that  adorned  this  part  of  his 
person ;  his  corduroy  trowsers  had  but  one  suspender  to 
keep  them  up,  thus  giving  them  rather  a  lop-sided  set.  His 
face  was  fiery  red ;  and  his  hat,  which  was  considerably 
frayed  at  the  brim,  was  drawn  over  one  ear,  and  left  unco- 


QUODLIBET.  91 

vered  a  large  portion  of  his  forehead  and  crown  which  were 
embellished  by  wild  elf  locks  of  carroty  hue. 

"  Nicodemus" — said  Flan,  as  soon  as  the  Cashier  made 
his  appearance,  «*  we  have  come  to  make  a  run  upon  the 
bank: — they  say  you've  bursted  your  biler."  Then  turn 
ing  to  the  crowd  behind  him,  he  shouted.  "  Growl,  Ti 
gers!— Yip!  No?— You  dont!" 

As  Flan  yelled  out  these  words,  a  strange  muttering 
sound  broke  forth  from  the  multitude. 

"What  put  it  into  your  drunken  noddle  that  we  have 
broke?"  inquired  Mr.  Handy,  with  great  composure,  as  soon 
as  silence  was  restored. 

"  Nim  Porter  ses,  Nicodemus,  that  you're  a  gone  horse, 
and  that  if  you  ai'nt  busted  up,  you  will  be  before  night. — 
So  we  have  determined  on  a  run." 

Nim  Porter  who  was  standing  in  the  rear  of  the  crowd, 
where  he  had  come  to  see  how  matters  were  going  on,  now 
stepped  forward.  Nim  is  the  fattest  man  in  Quodlibet,  and 
wears  more  gold  chains  across  his  waistcoat,  than  I  ever 
saw  at  a  jeweller's  window.  He  is  the  most  dressy  and 
good  natured  man  we  have;  and  on  this  occasion  there  he 
stood  with  a  stiff  starched  linen  roundabout  jacket  on,  as 
white  as  the  driven  snow,  with  white  drilling  pantaloons 
just  from  the  washerwoman,  and  the  most  strutting  ruffle 
to  his  shirt  that  could  have  been  manufactured  out  of  cam 
bric.  In  all  points  he  was  unlike  the  crowd  of  persons 
who  occupied  the  room.  "  I  said  nothing  of  the  sort — " 
was  Nim's  reply — "  and  I  am  willing  now  to  bet  ten  to  one 
that  he  can't  produce  a  man  here  to  say  I  said  so." 

"D — n  the  odds!"  cried  Flan;  "  Nicodemus,  we  are  re 
solved  upon  a  run— so  shell  out!" 

"  Begin  when  it  suits  you,"  said  Mr.  Handy.  "  Let  me 
have  your  note,  and  I  will  give  you  either  silver  or  gold  as 
you  choose." 


92  QUODLIBET. 

"Yip!  No? — You  dont!"  cried  Flan  with  a  screech 
ing  and  varied  intonation  which  he  was  in  the  habit  of 
giving  to  these  cant  words,  and  accompanying  them  with 
abundance  of  grimace,  "  d — n  the  odds  about  notes! — shell 
out  any  how.  We  have  determined  on  a  run — a  genuine, 
dimmycratic  sortie." 

"  Have  you  none  of  our  paper?"  again  inquired  Mr. 
Handy. 

"  Devil  a  shaving,  Nicodemus,"  replied  Flan. — "  What's 
the  odds?" 

"But  I  have,"  said  a  big,  squinting  boatman,  as  he 
walked  up  to  our  cashier,  and  untied  his  leather  wallet. 
"There's  sixty  dollars,  and  I'll  thank  you  for  the  cash." 

"And  I  have  twenty-five  more,"  cried  out  another. 

"And  I  twice  twenty-five,"  said  a  gruff  voice  from  the 
midst  of  the  crowd. 

All  this  time  the  number  of  persons  outside  was  increasing, 
and  very  profane  swearing  was  heard  about  the  door.  Mr. 
Handy  stepped  to  the  window  to  get  a  view  of  the  assem 
blage,  and  seeing  that  nearly  all  the  moveable  part  of  Quod- 
libet  was  gathering  in  front  of  the  building,  he  retired  with 
some  trepidation  into  the  directors'  room,  and  informed  Mr. 
Flam  and  the  Board  of  what  was  going  on.  They  had  a 
pretty  good  suspicion  of  this  before  Mr.  Handy  returned, 
for  they  had  distinctly  heard  the  uproar.  Mr.  Handy  no 
sooner  communicated  the  fact  to  them,  than  Mr.  Flam,  with 
considerable  perturbation  in  his  looks,  rose  and  declared 
that  Quodlibet  was  in  a  state  of  insurrection;  and,  as  every 
one  must  be  aware,  that  in  the  midst  of  a  revolution  no 
bank  could  be  expected  to  pay  specie,  he  moved,  in  con 
sideration  of  this  menacing  state  of  affairs,  that  the  Patriotic 
Copperplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet,  suspend  specie  payments 
forthwith,  and  continue  the  same  until  such  time  as  the 
re-establishment  of  the  public  peace  should  authorise  a  re- 


QUODLIBET.  93 

sumption.  This  motion  was  gratefully  received  by  the 
hoard,  and  carried  without  a  division.  During  this  interval, 
the  conspirators  having  learned,  through  their  leader  Flan 
Sucker,  that  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  was  in  the  house, 
forthwith  set  up  a  violent  shouting  for  that  distinguished 
gentleman  to  appear  at  the  door.  It  was  some  moments 
before  our  representative  was  willing  to  obey  this  summons: 
the  board  of  directors  were  thrown  into  a  panic,  and,  with 
great  expedition,  got  out  of  the  back  window  into  the  yard, 
and  made  their  escape — thus  leaving  the  indomitable  and 
unflinching  president  of  the  bank,  a  man  of  lion  heart, 
alone  in  the  apartment;  whilst  the  yells  and  shouts  of  the 
multitude  were  ringing  in  his  ears  with  awful  reduplication. 
He  was  not  at  a  loss  to  perform  his  duty,  but,  with  a  dignified 
and  stately  movement,  stalked  into  the  banking  room,  ap 
proached  the  window  that  looked  upon  the  street,  threw  it 
open,  and  gave  himself  in  full  view  to  the  multitude. 

There  was  a  dreadful  pause;  a  scowl  sat  upon  every  brow; 
a  muttering  silence  prevailed.  As  Tacitus  says:  "Non  tu- 
multus,  non  quies,  sed  quale  magni  metus,  et  magna?  irae 
silentium  est."  Mr.  Flam  raised  his  arm,  and  spoke  in  this 
strain: 

"Men  of  Quodlibet.  What  madness  has  seized  upon 
you?  Do  you  assemble  in  front  of  this  edifice  to  make  the 
day  hideous  with  howling?  Is  it  to  insult  Nicodemus 
Handy,  a  worthy  New  Light,  or  is  it  to  affright  the  universe 
by  pulling  down  these  walls?  Shame  on  you,  men  of  Quod 
libet!  If  you  have  a  vengeance  to  wreak,  do  not  inflict  it 
upon  us.  Go  to  the  Whigs,  the  authors  of  our  misfortune. 
They  have  brought  these  things  upon  us.  Year  after  year 
have  we  been  struggling  to  give  you  a  constitutional  currency 
— the  real  Jackson  gold — " 

"Three  cheers  for  Middleton  Flam!"  cried  out  twenty 
voices,  and  straightway  the  cheers  ascended  on  the  air;  and 


94  QUODLIBET. 

in  the  midst  was  heard  a  well  known  voice,  "  Yip! — No? — 
You  don't!— Go  it,  Middleton!" 

"Yes,  my  friends,"  proceeded  the  orator,  "whilst  we 
have  been  laboring  to  give  you  the  solid  metals;  whilst  we 
have  been  fighting  against  this  PAPER  MONEY  PARTY,  and 
have  devoted  all  our  energies  to  the  endeavor  to  prostrate 
the  influence  of  these  RAG  BARONS,  these  MONOPOLISTS,  these 

CHAMPIONS  OF  VESTED    RIGHTS  AND    CHARTERED    PRIVILEGES, 

the  WHIGS — we  have  been  foiled  at  every  turn  by  the  power 
of  their  unholy  combinations  of  associated  wealth.  They 
have  filled  your  land  with  banks,  and  have  brought  upon  us 
all  the  curses  of  over-trading  and  over-speculating,  until 
the  people  are  literally  on  their  faces  at  the  footstool  of  me 
Money  Power.  (Tremendous  cheering.)  Our  course  has 
been  resolute  and  unwaveringly  patriotic.  We  have  stood 
in  the  breach  and  met  the  storm;  but  all  without  avail. 
Between  the  rich  and  the  poor  lies  a  mighty  gulf.  The 
rich  man  has,  the  poor  man  wants.  Of  that  which  the  rich 
hath,  does  he  give  to  the  poor?  Answer  me,  men  of  Quod- 
libet." 

"  No!"  arose,  deeptoned,  from  every  throat. 
v      "  Then  our  course  is  plain.     Poor  men,  one  and  all,  rally 
round  our  Democratic  banner.     Let  the  aristocrats  know 
and  feel  that  you  will  not  bear  this  tyranny." 

"We  will,  we  will!"  shouted  Flan.  Sucker.  "Go  it, 
Middleton!— Yip!  No?  You  don't!" 

"Gentlemen,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "this  bank  of  ours 
is  purely  DEMOCRATIC.  It  is  an  exception  to  all  other  banks; 
it  is  emphatically  the  poor  man's  friend:  nothing  can  exceed 
the  skill  and  caution  with  which  it  has  been  conducted. 
Would  that  all  other  banks  were  like  it!  We  have,  com 
paratively,  but  a  small  issue  of  paper  afloat:  we  have  a  large 
supply  of  specie.  You  perceive,  therefore,  that  we  fear  no 
run.  You  all  saw  with  what  alacrity  our  cashier  proffered 


QUODLIBET.  95 

to  redeem  whatever  amount  our  respectable  fellow-citizen, 
that  excellent  Democrat,  Mr.  Flanigan  Sucker,  might  de 
mand.  (Cheers,  and  a  cry  of «  Yip!  No?  You  don't !')  Mr. 
Sucker  was  satisfied,  and  did  not  desire  to  burden  himself 
with  specie.  Gentlemen,  depend  upon  me.  When  there 
is  danger,  if  such  a  thing  could  be  to  this  New  Light  De 
mocratic  Bank,  I  will  be  the  first  to  give  you  warning. 
(Cheers,  and  *  Hurrah  for  Flam.')  Born  with  an  instinctive 
love  of  the  people,  I  should  be  the  vilest  of  men,  if  I  could 
ever  forget  my  duty  to  them.  (Immense  cheering,  and  cries 
of  *  Flam  forever!')  Take  my  advice,  retire  to  your  homes, 
keep  an  eye  on  the  Whigs  and  their  wicked  schemes  to 
bolster  up  the  State  Banks,  make  no  run  upon  this  institu 
tion — it  is  an  ill  bird  that  defiles  its  own  nest — and,  before 
you  depart,  gentlemen,  let  me  inform  you  that,  having  the 
greatest  regard  to  your  interest,  we  have  determined  upon 
a  temporary  suspension,  as  a  mere  matter  of  caution  against 
the  intrigues  of  the  Whigs,  who,  we  have  every  reason  to 
believe,  actuated  by  their  implacable  hatred  of  the  New  Light 
Democracy,  will  assail  this,  your  favorite  bank,  with  a  ma 
levolence  unexampled  in  all  their  past  career.  (Loud  cheers, 
and  cries  of  'Stand  by  the  Bank.')  But,  Quodlibetarians, 
rally,  and  present  a  phalanx  more  terrible  than  the  Macedo 
nian  to  the  invader.  You  can — I  am  sure  you  will — and, 
therefore,  I  tell  you  your  bank  is  safe." 

"We  can,  we  will!"  rose  from  the  whole  multitude, 
accompanied  with  cheers  that  might  vie  with  the  bursting 
of  the  ocean  surge. 

"Gentlemen,"  added  Mr.  Flam,  "I  thank  you  for  the 
manifestation  of  this  patriotic  sentiment.  It  is  no  more 
than  I  expected  of  Quodlibet.  In  conclusion,  I  am  re 
quested,  my  good  friends,  by  Mr.  Handy,  to  say  that 
having  just  prepared  some  notes  on  a  superior  paper,  he 
will  redeem  at  the  counter  any  old  ones  you  may  chance  to 


96  QUODLIBET. 

hold,  in  that  new  emission;  and  I  can  with  pride  assure  you, 
that  this  late  supply  is  equal,  perhaps,  to  any  thing  that 
has  ever  been  issued  in  the  United  States.  With  my  best 
wishes,  gentlemen,  for  your  permanent  prosperity,  under 
the  new  and  glorious  dynasty  of  that  distinguished  New 
Light  Democrat,  whom  the  unbought  suffrages  of  millions 
of  freemen  have  called  to  the  supreme  executive  chair, 
(cheers,)  and  under  whose  lead  we  fondly  indulge  the  hope 
of  speedily  sweeping  from  existence  this  pestilential  brood 
of  Whig  banks,  I  respectfully  take  my  leave." 

Having  concluded  this  masterly  appeal  to  the  reason  and 
good  sense  of  the  people,  Mr.  Flam  withdrew  under  nine 
distinct  rounds  of  applause. 

The  effect  of  this  powerful  speech,  which  has  often  since 
been  compared  to  that  of  Cicero  against  Catiline,  was  com 
pletely  to  still  the  public  mind  of  Quodlibet,  and  also  to 
remove  all  apprehensions  of  the  solidity  of  our  bank.  But 
its  happiest  feature  was  the  vindication  of  the  bank  against 
that  charge  of  treachery  and  ingratitude  which  so  justly 
lies  at  the  door  of  all  the  other  banks  of  the  country.  The 
Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet  was,  as  Mr.  Flam 
observed,  purely  democratic — democratic  in  its  origin,  in 
its  principles,  in  its  organisation,  in  its  management,  in  its 
officers,  its  stockholders  and  its  customers.  Such  a  bank, 
of  course,  could  not  be  unfaithful  to  the  democratic  admi 
nistration  that  fostered  it — infidelity  or  ingratitude  to  party 
is  no  inhabitant  of  a  democratic  bosom.  If  there  be  men 
upon  earth,  who  go  all  lengths,  through  thick  and  thin  for 
party,  it  is  (I  say  it  with  pride)  the  genuine,  New  Light, 
Quodlibetarian  Democracy.  Our  bank,  therefore,  stands 
uncontaminated  by  that  revolting  perfidy  which,  at  the 
instigation  of  Biddle  and  the  Barings,  brought  all  the  other 
banks,  in  which  there  are  Whig  directors  or  officers,  into 
the  most  wicked  conspiracy  recorded  in  history. 


QUODLIBET.  97 

It  was  not  long  after  this  astounding  event  before  the 
opinions  uttered  above  were  fully  and  most  remarkably 
confirmed  by  a  letter  from  the  Hermitage;  a  letter  which 
for  its  shrewdness  of  view,  its  perspicacity,  its  lucid  style 
and  Hero-and-Sage-like  felicity  of  construction,  is  unequal 
led  in  the  productions  of  the  venerable  Chief.  I  am  happy  to 
insert  it  here,  as  a  most  eloquent  exposition  of  the  causes  of 
the  suspension — feeling  assured  that  its  distinguished  author 
fiad  no  reference  to  the  Democratic  banks,  and  especially 
none  to  ours  of  Quodlibet,  but  intended  it  entirely  for  the 
vile  Whigs. 

"Tne  history  of  the  world,'"  says  this  immortal  man, 
writing  July  9th,  to  the  virgin-minded,  tremulously-sensitive, 
unrewarded  and  beautified  editor  of  the  Globe,  "never  has 
recorded  such  base  treachery  and  perfidy  as  has  been  com 
mitted  by  the  deposite  banks  against  the  government,  and 
purely  with  a  vieiv  of  gratifying  Biddle  and  the  Barings, 
and  by  the  suspension  of  specie  payments,  degrade,  em 
barrass  and  ruin,  if  they  could,  their  own  country,  for  the 
selfish  views  of  making  large  profits  by  throwing  out 
millions  of  depreciated  paper  upon  the  people — selling 
their  specie  at  large  premiums,  and  buying  up  their  own 
paper  at  discounts  of  from  25  to  50  per  cent.,  and  now 
looking  forward  to  be  indulged  in  these  speculations  for 
years  to  come  before  they  resume  specie  payments ." 

Oracular  old  man!  Sage  and  Seer!  Priest  and  Prophet  to 
lead  thine  Israelites  beyond  Jordan!  Happy  do  I,  S.  S. 
Schoolmaster  of  Quodlibet,  account  myself  that  I  have 
lived  in  this  thy  day! 


9 


98  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

SIGNS  OF    DISCORD  IN    QUODLIBET. THE    IRON   RAILING   CONTROVERSY. 

— AGAMEMNON  FLAG'S  NOMINATION. — REVOLT  OF  THEODORE  FOG. — 
THE  CELEBRATED  SPLIT. — CONSEQUENCES  OF  JESSE  FERRET'S  PERNI 
CIOUS  DOGMA  IN  REFERENCE  TO  PUBLICANS. — FIRST  FRUITS  OF  THE 
SPLIT  MANIFESTED  AT  MRS.  FERRET'S  TEA  DRINKING. — GRAVE  RE 
FLECTIONS  BY  THE  AUTHOB.— MORAL. 

THE  exciting  summer  of  1837,  with  the  special  election 
of  a  member  of  congress  for  the  extra  session — to  which 
we  returned  our  long  tried  and  faithful  representative  Mr. 
Middle  ton  Flam,  almost  without  opposition — went  by.  All 
eyes  were  turned  upon  the  proceedings  of  congress  at  that 
extra  sitting;  and  a  great  many  speculations  were  afloat  in 
Quodlibet,  where,  I  am  pained  to  disclose  the  fact,  very 
serious  contrariety  of  opinion  began  to  spring  up  in  refer 
ence  to  the  Sub  Treasury.  Our  state  election,  for  mem 
bers  of  the  legislature,  was  to  come  on  in  October,  and 
a  convention,  called  for  the  purpose,  had  nominated  Aga 
memnon  Flag,  at  the  head  of  the  ticket,  with  Abram  School- 
craft,  the  nursery  man  in  Bickerbray,  and  Curtius  Short, 
Cheap  Store  keeper,  in  Tumbledown,  as  the  Regular  New 
Light  Democratic  Quodlibetarian  candidates.  Unhappily 
this  nomination  gave  dissatisfaction  to  numbers  of  our  friends. 
Agamemnon  Flag,  who  was  the  only  stump  man  on  the 
ticket,  (Schoolcraft  and  Short  having  expressly  stipulated 
that  they  were  not  to  be  called  on  to  speak  in  the  canvass) 


QUODLIBET.  99 

was  a  young  member  of  the  bar,  comparatively  a  stranger 
to  many  in  the  Borough,  (having  within  the  last  year  re 
moved  from  Bickerbray,)  and  laboring  under  the  infirmity 
of  short-sightedness  wore  a  delicate  pair  of  gold  spec 
tacles.  I  have  observed  that  short-sighted  persons  in  gene 
ral,  are  not  apt  to  be  popular  in  a  democratic  government. 
But  there  was  another  matter  that  operated  against  Aga 
memnon.  Quodlibet  had  been  made  the  county  seat  of 
justice  by  an  act  of  the  last  legislature,  and  we  were  just 
finishing  a  Court  House  which,  in  anticipation  of  this  event, 
we  had  commenced  a  year  before.  A  question  arose 
amongst  the  townspeople,  whether  the  Court  House  square 
should  be  surrounded  by  a  wooden,  or  by  an  iron  railing. 
This  question  created  great  agitation.  Several  whigs  of 
the  Borough  made  themselves  active  in  the  debate,  and  went 
for  the  iron.  The  New  Light  Quods  were  strong  for 
wood.  Agamemnon  Flag,  seeing  that  a  great  deal  of  ill 
blood  was  getting  up  between  the  parties,  made  a  speech 
to  a  town  meeting  on  this  subject,  and  went  in  for  a  com 
promise — he  was  for  wood  on  the  tivo  sides  and  back  of 
the  square,  and  iron  in  front.  This  proposition  he  advo 
cated  with  great  earnestness  and  ability,  and  finally  carried 
his  point  by  a  close  vote.  The  wooden  party  said  that  the 
vote  was  not  a  fair  one,  and  that  they  could  not  regard  it  as 
a  legitimate  expression  of  the  popular  voice,  because  it  was 
taken  just  as  a  shower  of  rain  was  coming  up,  when  many 
persons  present  who  had  come  without  umbrellas  had  given 
no  heed  to  the  question,  and  voted  as  it  were  in  the  dark. 
However  the  vote  was  not  recalled  and  the  iron  railing  is 
now  in  a  course  of  fabrication  over  at  the  Hog  Back  Forge, 
which  happens  unluckily  to  be  owned  by  Stephen  P.  Crab- 
stock,  one  of  the  most  bull-headed  whigs  in  this  county, 
the  job  being  given  by  the  commissioners  to  him,  in  con- 


100  QUODLIBET. 

sequence  of  their  being  no  genuine  New  Light  Democratic 
iron  works  in  this  part  of  the  country. 

When  Agamemnon  Flag  was  brought  out  at  the  head  of 
the  ticket  for  the  legislature,  nothing  was  said  about  the 
iron  railing,  and  we  had  good  reason  to  suppose  that  every 
true  Quod  would  support  the  nomination;  which  in  fact 
was  made  by  the  direction  of  our  honorable  representative 
in  Congress  who  had  a  great  liking  for  Flag,  in  conse 
quence  of  a  very  beautifully  written  memoir  of  Mr.  Flam, 
which  appeared  two  years  ago  in  the  Bickerbray  Scruti- 
nizer,  when  Flag  lived  in  that  town.  In  point  of  principle, 
Agamemnon  was  altogether  unexceptionable.  He  was  an 
out  and  out  Flamite  of  the  first  water,  and  an  unadulterated 
Quodlibetarian  in  every  sentiment. 

Theodore  Fog — I  regret  to  be  obliged  to  mention  his 
name  in  any  terms  of  disparagement,  because  he  is  unques 
tionably  a  man  of  talents  and  a  true  bred  New  Light,  and, 
certainly,  we  owe  Theodore  a  good  deal — had  been  very 
sour  for  some  time  past.  He  had  never  forgotten  the  mak 
ing  of  Middleton  Flam  President  of  the  bank.  I  have  in  a 
former  chapter  hinted  somewhat  of  Theodore's  unfortunate 
habits.  Dolet  mihi, — I  grieve  to  repeat  these  things.  But 
the  truth  must  be  told.  His  diurnal  aberrations  became  at 
length  so  conspicuous  that,  after  being  twice  elected  a  di 
rector  of  the  bank,  his  name  was  struck  off  the  ticket  and 
Anthony  Hardbottle's  substituted  in  his  place.  Theodore 
never  had  much  practice  at  the  Bar,  although  he  considers 
himself  the  founder  of  that  fraternity  at  Quodlibet,  being  for 
a  season  the  only  lawyer  in  the  Borough.  That  little  prac 
tice  had  now  pretty  nearly  left  him;  in  consequence  of 
which  he  thought  himself  badly  used,  and  therefore  entitled 
to  a  support  from  the  public.  These  feelings  operating  upon 
his  mind,  induced  him,  soon  after  the  nomination  of  Aga- 


QUODLIBET.  101 

memnon  Flag,  to  come  out  in  opposition  and  declare  him 
self  an  Independent  Candidate. 

The  Whigs  taking  advantage  of  this  split  in  the  party, 
brought  out  Andy  Grant,  son  of  old  Michael  of  the  Hog 
Back;  a  young  man  of  fair  character,  but  wholly  and  fatally 
imbued  with  those  dangerous  opinions  which  have  already 
brought  so  many  misfortunes  upon  our  country. 

This  was  the  state  of  things  at  the  commencement  of  the 
month  of  September;  and  it  will  be  seen  in  the  sequel  that 
very  serious  difficulties  grew  out  of  this  division. 

A  meeting  of  the  voters  of  the  county  which  included  the 
three  towns  of  Quodlibet,  Tumbledown  and  Bickerbray, 
was  called  at  the  Sycamore  Spring  upon  the  Rumblebot- 
tom  about  five  miles  below  Quodlibet.  This  meeting  was 
to  be  held  on  the  8th.  A  reference  to  these  events  is 
necessary  to  explain  the  scene  which  I  am  about  to  present 
to  my  reader. 

Jesse  Ferret,  as  my  reader  knows,  had  brought  himself 
into  some  scandal  by  his  indefinite  political  sentiments  and 
that  most  unquodlibetarian  dogma  that  "  a  Publican  should 
have  no  side."  Now,  Mrs.  Ferret  and  her  daughter,  Susan 
Barndollar,  were  just  antipodes  to  Jesse.  Two  truer  wo 
men,  more  firm-set  in  the  New  Light  Democracy,  more 
constant  in  opinion,  whether  in  the  utterance  thereof,  or  in 
its  quality,  and  better  able  to  hold  their  own,  have  I  never 
chanced  to  meet,  than  this  respectable  mother  and  daughter. 
It  is  common  to  say  women  are  not  allowed  a  voice  in  our 
government.  My  faith!  these  two  ladies  had  a  voice  in 
Quodlibet,  allowed  or  not  allowed, — let  the  theory  go  as  it 
may: — and  Jqsse  Ferret  knows  that  full  well. 

Mrs.  Ferret  is  what  we  call  a  fleshy  or  lusty  woman: 
she  weighed  two  hundred  and  twelve,  in  Neal  Hopper's 
new  one-sided  patent  scale  at  the  mill.  She  is  amazingly 
well  padded  with  fat  across  the  shoulders,  and  has  a  craw- 

9» 


102  QUODLIBET. 

shaped  bosom  that  in  some  degree  encroaches  upon  her 
neck;  and  she  is  famous  for  wearing  a  large  frilled  and 
quilled  cap  with  many  blue  ribbons,  being  a  little  given  to 
finery.  Although  Susan  Barndollar  was  grown  up  and 
married,  Mrs.  Ferret  had  a  child  in  the  arms  at  that  time; 
and  Jesse  has  even  boasted,  within  the  last  five  years,  of 
running  two  cradles  at  one  time. 

It  was  on  the  evening  of  the  7th  of  September,  the  night 
before  the  meeting  at  the  Sycamore  Spring,  when  Mrs. 
Ferret  had  a  tea  drinking  in  the  back  parlor,  at  which  I, 
the  only  one  of  the  masculine,  was  present  as  a  guest. 
Mrs.  Younghusband  was  of  the  party  and  Mrs.  Snuffers, 
with  her  interesting  fat  female  infant  nine  months  old;  the 
same  dear  child  whose  arrangements  to  appear  in  this  world 
of  cares  procured  me  the  honor  of  presiding  over  the  New 
Light,  on  the  memorable  occasion  of  Mr.  Flam's  great 
speech  at  Christmas,  whereof  I  have  spoken  in  a  former 
chapter:  thanks  to  Mrs.  Snuffers  for  that  considerate  favor! 
This  good  lady  was  there;  and  these  two,  with  the  addition 
of  Miss  Hardbottle,  elder  sister  of  Barndollar  &  Hardbot- 
tle,  and  Mrs.  Susan  Barndollar  who  lived  at  home  with  her 
mother,  made  up  the  company. 

"  There  is  one  thing,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret,  as  she  rocked  her 
self  in  a  huge  hickory  arm-chair,  which  had  been  built  on  pur 
pose  for  her,  "  that  I  do  hold  in  despise;  and  that  is,  one  of 
these  here  men,  who  haintgot  no  opinions.  Ef  you  believe  me, 
Mrs.  Snuffers,  that  man  Jesse  Ferret — this  woman's  father, 
(pointing  to  Mrs.  Barndollar,)  God  forgive  me  that  I  should 
say  any  think  aginst  my  datur's  own  lawful  flesh  and  blood! 
— but  he's  actelly  afeard  to  go  down  to-morrow  to  the  Syc 
amore  Spring  to  hear  the  tongue-lashing  which  Theodore 
Fog,  which  is  a  man  I  always  respected — they  say  he 
drinks,  but  there's  many  a  man  which  don't  drink,  has'nt 
half  his  brains — Jesse's  actelly  afeard  to  go  and  hear  how 


QUODLIBET.  103 

Theodore  will  use  up  Ag  Flag  and  Andy  Grant  both  at  the 
same  time,  least  they  might  be  for  making  him  take  sides, 
which  he  hasn't  the  spunk  to  do.  My  patience!  but  it  would 
be  nuts  to  me  to  hear  the  speechification! — and,  to  think  of 
it — that  man  hasn't  the  heart  of  a  goose  to  go  to  the  meet 
ing!" 

"Ah,  Mrs.  Ferret,"  said  Mrs.  Snuffers,  talking  as  if  she 
had  a  cold  in  the  head;  her  voice  being  husky,  in  fact,  from 
having  taken  a  large  pinch  of  snuff;  "  them  politicks — them 
politicks!  Poor  Mr.  Snuffers — dear  man:  I  spose  you 
know  he  is  President  of  the  New  Light;  he's  losing  his 
naiteral  rest  upon  account  of  that  split.  He  put  in  his  wote 
in  the  conwention  for  Ag,  as  innocent  as  a  lamb,  and  here 
comes  up  that  obstropolus  Iron  railing,  and  smashes  all  the 
New  Lights  into  outer  darkness,  with  diwisions  and  con 
tentions  and  all  sorts  of  infractions.  Mr.  Snuffers  says  he 
should'nt  wonder  if  that  unfortnate  step  should  take  the 
Hay  Scales  from  him  and  leave  me  and  this  here  innocent 
darlin  babe  in  a  state  of  destitution.  Oh  them  politicks!" 

"  Well,  let  people  stand  by  their  colors,  says  I,"  inter 
posed  Mrs.  Barndollar  tartly,  with  a  sharp  shake  of  her 
head;  "  I  go  with  my  ma,  although  pa  is  pa.  I  think  people 
ought  to  speak  what  they  please,  and  mean  what  they 
please;  and  it's  a  mean  thing  not  to  do  so,  and  that's  gospel 
truth,  or  else  this  is  not  a  free  country.  Ma  is  right;  and 
if  Mr.  Snuffers  is  what  Mr.  Barndollar  calls  a  whole  hog, 
he'll  not  mind  the  people  a  jot,  but  go  with  his  party;  that's 
the  law.  And  I  don't  agree  by  no  means  with  ma,  in  going 
for  Theodore  against  the  nomination." 

"Susan  Barndollar,  are  you  in  earnest?"  inquired  her  af 
fectionate  ma.  "  Who  put  it  into  your  head  to  underrate  and 
strangle  down  Theodore  Fog,  the  oldest  friend  we  have  had 
sence  we  came  to  Quodlibet?  and  who  brings  more  custom  to 
our  bar  than  the  whole  New  Light  Club  put  together.  Susan, 


104  QUODLIBET. 

Susan,  I  hope  Jacob  haintbeen  putting  none  of  these  ungrate 
ful  ideers  into  your  breast.  Ef  this  house  of  ours,  common 
ly  called  and  known  by  the  name  of  The  Hero,  ought  to  go 
for  any  human,  mortal,  individual  man,  that  man  is  Theo 
dore  Fog.  Ef  he  is  a  little  exintric  in  regard  of  his  drink 
ing,  it  wont  be  no  new  think  in  the  legislator  ef  the  tenth 
part  of  what  I  heerd  is  true.  Ladies — Tea,"  said  the 
dame,  as  at  this  time  a  negro  woman  entered  with  a  tray 
filled  with  great  store  of  provender — "  help  yourself  Mrs. 
Younghusband — take  a  plate  on  your  knee,  and  fork  up 
one  of  them  warfields — and  take  care  of  your  gown,  they're 
a  dripping  with  butter.  Mr.  Secondthoughts,  what  under 
Heaven  has  become  of  your  perliteness  that  you  can  see  Mrs. 
Younghusband  a  fishing  up  that  briled  dried  beef  without 
her  fork  no  more  sticking  in  it  than  if  it  was  a  live  eel  in 
the  gravy!" 

"  Never  mind  me,  Mrs.  Ferret,"  replied  Mrs.  Young- 
husband,  "  and  dont  be  a  troublin  the  schoolmaster  on 
my  account.  They  do  say  that  there's  some  persons  as 
hard  to  catch  and  pin  down  as  hung  beef  crisped  and  float 
ing  in  butter,  and  as  you  justly  remarked,  a  while  ago,  one 
of  these  persons  is  not  a  hundred  miles  off  from  this  house:" 
and  here  this  good  woman  laughed  heartily  at  her  own 
joke. 

"  Oh  Jesse  Ferret,  in  course  !"  exclaimed  the  landlady. 

"  My  pa !"  said  Mrs.  Barndollar,  joining  in  the  laugh. 

"  As  Mr.  Ferret  has'nt  got  many  friends  here,"  said  Miss 
Hardbottle,  "  I'll  be  one.  I  think  he  is  quite  right,  if  he  has 
no  opinions,  not  to  express  them.  Dont  you  think  so,  Mr. 
Secondthoughts?" 

"  Madam,"  said  I  in  a  very  grave  manner,  "  if  I  might  be 
allowed  to  express  myself  freely,  I  would  venture  to  remark, 
that  it  is  very  important  to  the  ascendancy  of  The  New 
Light  -Quodlibetariaii  Democratic  party,  that  there  should  be 


QUODLIBET.  105 

no  strife  nor  division  in  our  ranks;  and,  that  feeling  the  im 
portance  of  this  sentiment,  it  is  one  of  our  fundamental 
principles  to  go  with  the  majority — whenever  it  can  be  as 
certained.  Now  between  Agamemnon  Flag  and  Theodore 
Fog"- 

"  Theodore  Fog  is  sich  a  good  creature !"  interrupted  Mrs. 
Ferret — 

"  Ag  is  a  dear  young  man,"  said  Mrs.  Barndollar. 

"As  for  that,  ladies,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle,  "if  you  speak 
of  goodness  or  beauty,  Andy  Grant  can  beat  either,  though 
he  is  a  Whig." 

"  Hester  Hardbottle  !"  shouted  Mrs.  Ferret — 

"  Hester  Hardbottle  !"  shouted  Mrs.  Snuffers — 

"  Hester  Hardbottle !"  shouted  Mrs.  Younghusband — 

"  Hester  Hardbottle!"  shouted  Mrs.  Barndollar — all  four 
at  once — 

"  I  do  think  so,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle  sharply,  "  and  what 
I  do  think,  I  say." 

"  You  have  no  right  to  say  it,  Madam,"  said  Mrs.  Barn- 
dollar. 

"  Free  country,"  said  Miss  Hardbottle. 

"  No  such  a  thing  for  Whigs,"  quickly  returned  Mrs. 
Barndollar — 

"  Ladies  ! — Ladies  ! — Ladies  !" — said  I,  "  peace,  if  you 
please:"  but  there  was  no  peace,  for  these  excellent  females 
soon  got  into  such  a  state  of  confusion  in  the  attack  and  de 
fence  of  Andy  Grant,  that  I  believe  the  tea  party  would 
have  broken  up  in  a  state  of  rebellion,  if  it  had  not  been  for 
the  entrance  of  Mr.  Ferret  in  the  very  height  of  the  tumult. 
His  appearance  gave  another  turn  to  the  conversation,  for  it 
all  turned  upon  him. 

"  And  so  you  are  not  going  to  the  Sycamore  Spring  to 
morrow,"  cried  one. 


106  QUODLIBET. 

"  And  I  spose  you  wont  vote  for  Theodore  Fog,"  said 
Number  Two. 

"  Nor  for  Ag  Flag,"  said  Number  Three. 

"  But  you  will  drop  in  a  sly  ticket  for  Andy  Grant,  may 
be,  at  last,  ef  no  one  should  find  you  out,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret, 
who  in  this  series  counted  Number  Four.  "  Oh  Jesse  Fer 
ret,  ef  you  had  a  drop  of  blood  in  you  that  was'nt  milk  and 
water,  you  would  be  ashamed  of  sich  shilly  shally  conduct, 
that  even  the  women  makes  you  a  laughing  stock !' 

"  Wife,"  said  Jesse,  taking  a  fierce  stand  in  self-defence, 
"  Drop  it !  If  my  blood  was  milk  and  water,  it  would  be 
curds  and  whey  before  this  time.  I  tell  you  again,  old 
lady,  a  Publican's  got  no  right  to  have  sentiments.  The 
party's  double  splitted,  and  no  man  knows  which  way  to 
turn  himself.  There's  that  cursed  Iron  Railing;  and  there's 
that  infernal  Suspension;  and  there's  the  Divorce  of  the  Go 
vernment  from  bed  and  board  with  the  Banks,  that  every 
body's  a  talking  about;  and  there's  Purse  and  Sword,  and 
Specie  Circlar,  and  Mint  Drops,  and  the  Lord  knows  what; 
that  a  poor,  sinful,  infallible  tavern  keeper  doesn't  know 
who's  who,  and  what's  what.  I'm  sure  I  cant  tell  whether 
I'm  on  my  head  or  my  heels;  and  if  I  was  to  go  down  yon 
der  to  the  Sycamore  Spring  and  hear  all  the  palavering 
there,  I  should  get  so  flustrated  I  would'nt  know  which 
eend  of  me  went  foremost.  So,  I  tell  you  I'll  stay  at  home 
and  stick  to  my  motto: — that's  as  good  as  if  I  swore  to  it. 
Solomon  Secondthoughts,  aint  I  right?" 

"  Jesse,"  said  I,  mildly,  "  have  you  any  respect  for  the 
opinion  of  our  distinguished  representative,  my  former  pupil, 
Middleton  Flam?" 

"  Well,  I  voted  for  him,"  replied  Jesse. 

"  Then,"  said  I,  "  I  admit  there  is  a  great  perplexity 
about  all  these  public  measures  and  men,  just  at  this  time; 
and  I  am  willing  to  allow  that  the  New  Light  Democracy 


QUODLIBET.  107 

do  not  as  yet  exactly  understand  their  own  minds;  and  there 
fore  it  is  quite  lawful  to  pause  and  look  about  you  before 
you  take  your  stand.  This  thing  is  certain,  that  the  New 
Light  Democracy  will  undoubtedly  go  with  the  government, 
whatever  line  it  chalks  out  for  following  the  footsteps  of  its 
illustrious  predecessor.  Whether  that  line  shall  lead  us 
North  or  South,  East  or  West,  my  poor  skill  is  not  able  to 
instruct  you.  Whether  we  are  for  the  banks  or  against 
them,  is  yet  undecided,  since  we  are  pledged  at  least  in 
favor  of  our  own.  In  a  Quodlibetarian  sense,  I  do  not 
scruple  to  affirm  that  we  are  against  the  banks  and  for  the 
divorce;  but  in  a  private  sense  that  opinion  will  require 
some  reflection.  Mr.  Flam  will  be  home  from  congress 
before  long,  and  until  then  we  shall  suspend  our  opinion. 
We  are,  at  all  hazards,  real  Flam  men.  Flam — I  drop  the 
mister  when  I  speak  of  him  as  a  principle — is  our  polar 
star — our  cynosure  in  politics— our  Pisgah,  which  gives  us 
a  view  of  the  Promised  Land.  As  a  principle,  our  New 
Light  Democracy  is  all  out  and  out  Flam.  Flam  is  our 
father,  our  guide,  our  Pillar  of  Cloud.  Wait  till  Middleton 
Flam  comes  home." 

Having  thrown  out  these  well-weighed  and  sententious 
remarks,  both  for  the  women  and  for  Jesse,  I  was  inwardly 
delighted  to  see  how  soothing  was  the  effect  upon  my 
auditory;  and  as  it  is  a  precept  inculcated  by  some  sage 
observer  of  mankind,  I  forget  his  name,  to  leave  your 
company  when  you  have  made  an  agreeable  impression 
upon  them,  I  did  not  tarry  for  further  converse,  but  took  up 
my  hat  and  stick,  and  bade  my  worthy  friends  "  good 
night." 

Upon  my  return  to  my  lodgings,  I  sat  down  and  made 
the  foregoing  narration  of  what  had  passed  in  my  presence, 
and  I  have  incorporated  the  same  into  this  history,  with  no 
little  mortification;  feeling  myself  compelled  thereto  by  the 


i 


QUODLIBET 


consideration  that  the  scene  I  have  described,  being,  as  it 
were,  the  first  fruits  of  that  unhappy  dissension  which  grew 
up  amongst  the  New  Lights,  and  a  significant  commentary 
thereon,  it  may  serve  in  the  way  of  warning  to  all  good 
Quodlibetarian  Democrats,  who  may  chance  to  peruse  these 
/pages,  against  the  folly  of  ever  allowing  themselves  to  have 
any  individual  opinions,  when  the  leaders  and  marshals  of 
the  party  shall  have  taken  the  trouble  off  their  hands  of 
thinking  and  determining  for  them.  And,  indeed,  the  moral 
may  be  carried  further.  For  it  is  obvious,  if  Jesse  Ferret 
had  acted  in  the  spirit  and  the  intelligence  of  a  true  Quod, 
he  would  have  ascertained  the  majority  and  gone  with  it; 
instead  of  which,  he  entrenched  himself  behind  that  fortress 
of  neutrality,  comprehended  in  the  absurd  dogma,  that  a 
Publican  ought  to  have  no  sides.  Undoubtedly,  the  true 
precept  should  be  in  all  cases  of  public  servants,  "  Take  the 
upper  side."  Thereon  chiefly  hangs  the  Quodlibetarian 
theory. 


QUODLIBET.  109 


CHAPTER  IX. 


GREAT  MEETING  AT  THE  SYCAMORE  SPRING. — SOME  DESCRIPTION  OF  THE 
ARRANGEMENTS. — NICODEMUS  HANDY  CHOSEN  TO  PRESIDE  ON  THIS 
OCCASION. — MOTION  TO  THAT  EFFECT  BY  MR.  SNUFFERS.— THIS 
WORTHY  GENTLEMAN'S  MISFORTUNE. — HIS  ESCAPE. — SUCCESSFUL  OR 
GANIZATION  OF  THE  MEETING. 

THE  morning  of  the  8th  of  September,  Anno  Domini 
1837,  was  cloudless  and  cool.  The  dust  had  been  laid  by 
a  shower  of  rain  a  little  before  daylight,  and  the  day  there 
fore  was  auspicious  to  the  wishes  of  all  who  proposed  to 
assemble  at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  By  eight  o'clock  Ante 
Meridiem,  Nicodemus  Handy's  barouche,  with  two  beautiful 
bays,  stood  upon  the  gravel  before  Handy  House  on  Cop 
perplate  Ridge.  Agamemnon  Flag,  attired  in  a  new  blue 
coat  with  figured  gilt  buttons,  white  waistcoat,  India  rubber 
watch  guard,  snowy  pantaloons  of  very  fine  drilling  and  boots 
of  drab  prunelle,  tipped  at  the  toes  with  polished  French 
leather,  a  watered  silk  cravat,  and  gold  spectacles,  sat  at 
the  breakfast  table  with  Mrs.  Handy  and  Henrietta,  her 
daughter — the  smallest,  the  neatest,  and  the  best  shaped 
female,  it  is  said  by  those  who  pretend  to  be  judges,  in 
Quodlibet. 

Nicodemus  was   in  a  flurry.      He  had   swallowed  his 

breakfast  with  great  despatch,  and  four  servants  were  busily 

in  attendance  upon  him.    Sam,  the  waiter,  was  beating  time 

in  the  hall  with  a  corn  whisk,  alternately  upon  the  person  of 

10 


110  QUODLIBET. 

his  master  and  his  left  hand,  after  a  very  favorite  and  ingeni 
ous  fashion  of  dusting  a  gentleman's  coat,  only  known  to 
and  practised  by  that  musical  race  of  colored  dandies,  of 
which  Sam  was  a  first  rate  specimen.  Sarah,  a  lady  of 
Sam's  complexion,  Mrs.  Handy's  maid,  was  running  up 
stairs  to  sprinkle  some  verbena  perfume  on  Mr.  Handy's 
cambric  handkerchief;  William  was  smoothing  the  nap  of 
his  glossy  black  Brewster,  with  a  brush  as  soft  as  silk;  and 
Mrs.  Trotter,  the  house-keeper,  was  arranging  a  basket  of 
sandwiches  and  a  bottle  of  Rudesheimer  to  be  stowed  away 
in  the  box  of  the  back  seat  of  the  barouche.  The  coach 
man,  in  a  sky  blue  frock,  and  hat  with  gold  bands  secured 
by  a  huge  buckle,  was  in  his  seat  holding  the  reins,  every 
moment  speaking  to  the  horses  to  make  them  restive,  and 
then  whipping  them  for  not  standing  still.  The  whole 
scene  was  one  eminently  calculated  to  disprove  that  stale 
Whig  slander  which  purports  to  affirm  that  "all  the  de 
cency"  was  in  their  ranks: — nothing  could  be  more  striking 
than  this  refutation  of  it.  And  as  I  was  myself  present — 
having  called  in  at  that  moment  to  deliver  a  message  from 
the  New  Light  Club  to  Mr.  Handy,  apprising  him  of  their 
intention  to  move  that  he  should  act  as  chairman  of  the 
meeting  to  be  held  at  the  Sycamore  Spring — I  witnessed 
with  lively  satisfaction,  the  very  decided  impression  of 
pleasure  made  upon  an  assemblage  of  New  Lights,  who 
stood  looking  on  outside  of  the  front  gate,  by  this  trium 
phant  vindication  of  our  party  from  the  malevolent  insinua 
tions  of  the  Whig  press. 

Agamemnon  Flag  seemed  to  be  very  much  at  his  ease, 
and  to  be  thinking  but  little  about  the  meeting,  whilst  he 
sat  uttering  some  pleasant  things  to  Miss  Handy; — at  least  I 
suppose  they  must  have  been  pleasant  to  her,  as  she  and  her 
mother  both  laughed  a  good  deal  at  what  he  said.  By  the 
by,  there  is  a  report  in  the  Borough,  that  Ag  is  making  up 


QUODLIBET.  Hi 

to  this  young  lady — which  will  be  a  grand  thing  for  him  if 
she  favors  him,  since  she  is  an  only  child,  and  Nicodemus 
is  amazingly  rich. 

"God  bless  me,  my  dear,"  said  Mr.  Handy,  breaking 
away  from  Sam's  whisk,  and  speaking  after  the  manner  of  a 
table  of  contents,  (a  habit  which  he  has  acquired  since  he  has 
grown  rich,)  "  it  is  past  eight  o'clock — I'm  to  be  the  chair 
man  of  that  meeting — ought  to  be  early  on  the  ground — 
five  miles  off — no  time  for  nonsense  now — you  and  Henri 
etta  and  Ag — have  to  drive  like  the  devil — barbacue,  my  dear 
— want  to  see  the  arrangements  before  the  voters  arrive — 
the  schoolmaster  will  take  a  seat  along  side  of  Nace  — " 

"Thank  you  kindly,"  said  I;  "I  accept  your  offer  with 
great  pleasure  — " 

"  Shant  want  William,"  he  added,  referring  to  the  ser 
vant  who  generally  rode  with  the  coachman — "upon  second 
thoughts — will  put  our  Second  Thoughts  inside — ha!  ha! 
Must  take  William — shall  want  him — you  can  sit  (speaking 
to  me)  on  the  front  seat — Ag  and  I  behind — offer  the  other 
seat  to  Barndollar — want  to  be  civil  to  him,  my  dear — come, 
hurry,  hurry,  hurry! — William,  get  on  your  livery  and  be 
prepared  to  mount  beside  Nace." 

As  it  was  very  manifest  that  Mr.  Handy  was  really  in  a 
hurry — as  very  opulent  men  are  exceedingly  apt  to  be — 
there  was  of  course  a  great  bustle  to  accommodate  him,  by 
getting  off.  Agamemnon  immediately  rose  from  the  break 
fast  table,  and  taking  up  his  superfine  leghorn  hat,  which 
was  very  chastely  adorned  with  a  light  yellow  ribbon  band, 
the  ends  whereof  hung  a  little  over  the  rim,  he  put  it  gently 
on  his  head,  and  then  standing  before  the  ladies,  asked  them 
with  very  apparent  complacency,  whether  they  thought  he 
was  in  good  trim  to  appear  before  the  democracy — and 
having  received  answer  that  "he  was  exactly  the  thing," 
he  signified  his  readiness  to  depart;  whereupon  we  all 


112  QUODLIBET. 

bustled  out  to  the  barouche  and  took  our  seats.  William 
clambered  into^  his  place,  and  away  we  went  at  full  trot, 
down  to  The  Hero  to  take  up  Jacob  Barndollar. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  tavern  door,  we  found  there  Nim 
Porter's  trotting  buggy  with  his  stub-tailed  grey.  Nim 
himself  appeared  on  the  steps  in  a  big  broad-brimmed  low- 
crowned  Russia  blue  hat,  set  very  knowingly  over  his  right 
eye,  with  a  long  taper  whip  in  his  hand;  and  before  we 
could  take  up  Mr.  Barndollar,  this  most  good  natured  of 
bar-keepers,  with  an  agility  not  to  be  expected  in  so  fat  a 
person,  sprang  up  into  his  tub-shaped  seat,  which  held  him 
about  as  compactly  as  the  shell  of  an  acorn  holds  the  nut, 
and  spreading  the  skirts  of  his  green  coatee  with  steel  but 
tons  over  the  periphery  of  the  same,  darted  off  at  a  speed 
of  about  fifteen  miles  to  the  hour,  down  the  Rumblebottom 
road.  During  this  time,  Mrs.  Ferret  filled  the  front  door, 
and  Mrs.  Barndollar  was  looking  over  her  shoulder,  whilst 
they  both  opened  their  batteries  upon  poor  Jesse  Ferret,  in 
a  contemporaneous  objurgation  of  his  mean-spiritedness, 
addressed  to  Mr.  Handy  in  the  barouche,  but  intended  for 
the  master  of  the  hotel  who  looked  rather  sheepishly 
through  the  window  of  the  bar-room;  but  before  he  could 
say  any  thing  in  his  own  defence,  and  even  before  the  ami 
able  ladies  of  his  family  were  done  talking,  Jacob  Barn- 
dollar  came  out,  and  got  into  the  barouche;  and  as  Mr. 
Handy  was  growing  more  and  more  impatient,  he  ordered 
Nace  to  lose  no  time,  and  so  off  we  started;  and  as  well  as 
I  could  judge,  from  looking  back,  until  we  turned  down  by 
Christy  M'Curdy's  mill,  Mrs.  Ferret  was  still  arguing  her 
case  in  the  front  door  of  The  Hero. 

All  the  roads  leading  to  the  Sycamore  Spring  were  filled 
with  persons  on  horseback,  on  foot,  in  gigs,  buggies,  ba 
rouches,  and  rattle-traps  of  every  sort.  It  was  obvious  we 
were  going  to  have  a  great  meeting.  Before  nine  o'clock, 


QUODLIBET.  113 

Mr.  Handy  was  on  the  ground.  About  a  hundred  persons 
were  already  there.  Booths  were  scattered  along  under 
the  huge  elms  and  sycamores  which  shaded  a  low  flat  upon 
the  margin  of  the  Rumblebottom.  The  fine,  copious,  old 
spring — where  there  has  been  many  a  barbacue  in  my  time 
— was  pouring  out  its  crystal  treasures,  as  some  poet  says, 
with  prodigal  bounty,  and  transferring  them  as  Mr.  Wood- 
bury  does  the  deposites,  by  large  draughts,  from  the  living 
rock  to  the  running  Rumblebottom — in  fact  taking  them  out 
of  one  bank,  and  distributing  them  between  others.  Not 
far  from  this  spring,  adumbrated  by  overarching  boughs — 
the  reader  will  excuse  this  poetical  orgasm — for  fifteen  years 
and  upwards  have  I  been  visiting  this  fountain,  sacred  to 
Pan,  (we  used  to  have  fish  frys  here,)  and  have  ever  grown 
poetical  at  the  sight  thereof — it  is  my  infirmity.  Not  far 
from  the  Spring  stood  the  tables — boards  on  trussels,  and 
on  the  boards  trenchers  filled  with  cubic  sections  of  beef, 
lamb,  mutton  and  ham,  interspersed  with  pyramids  of  bread 
— a  goodly  sight !  Upon  skids,  remote  from  the  tables, 
stood  a  barrel  of  old  Monongahela,  and  hard  by  in  a  cart, 
tumblers,  pitchers,  noggins  and  bottles.  Far  off,  at  the  op 
posite  confine  of  this  field  of  action,  was  a  stage  erected, 
with  a  chair  for  the  President  of  the  day,  and  benches  of 
unplaned  board  for  persons  of  inferior  dignity.  Every  thing 
was  in  order;  and  now  that  Mr.  Handy  had  arrived  he  had 
nothing  to  do  but  wait  for  the  gathering  in  of  the  people. 

Presently  Mr.  Grant,  mounted  on  a  large  bow-necked 
bay,  with  his  four  sons,  all  men  grown,  of  a  rustic,  farmer- 
like  complexion,  arrived;  they  were  attended  by  Augustus 
Postlethwaite  Tompkinson,  of  The  Whole  Team,  and  some 
dozen  Whigs  from  Thoroughblue,  who  had  travelled  as  far 
as  Mr.  Grant's  the  night  before,  and  now  made  a  very  solid 
and  formidable  troop.  Andrew  Grant  the  candidate,  a 
youth  of  good  presence,  and  reputable,  (bating  his  politics) 
10* 


114  QUODLIBET. 

was  of  this  party,  Andy  had  been  to  college,  and  his  father 
first  intended  to  make  a  doctor  of  him,  but  the  lad  some 
how  took  a  dislike  to  physic,  and  turned  in  to  this  new 
business  of  Engineering  on  canals,  and  railroads,  and  was 
considered,  I  believe,  a  tolerable  smart  hand  in  that  calling. 
But  as  he  happened  to  catch  a  bilious  fever  in  the  Dismal 
Swamp,  the  old  lady  his  mother,  who  always  had  made  a 
pet  of  him,  would  not  hear  of  his  going  back  to  that  line  of 
livelihood;  and  so  he  staid  at  home  helping  to  manage  at 
the  Hog  Back  farm,  and  doing  pretty  much  as  he  pleased; 
until,  about  a  year  before  he  was  brought  out,  he  married 
Stephen  P.  Crabstock's  daughter;  and  ever  since  that  event 
does  as  his  wife  pleases — spending  his  time  one  part  of  the 
year  at  the  Iron  Works,  and  the  other  at  the  old  man's. 

By  eleven  o'clock  the  company  had  pretty  nearly  got  to 
its  maximum.  A  large  party  came  down  in  a  wagon  from 
Quodlibet  with  Abel  Brawn — amongst  them  Neal  Hopper, 
Sandy  Buttercrop,  Davy  Post,  the  wheelwright,  and  I  cant 
tell  how  many  more.  Quipes,  the  painter,  borrowed  a  horse 
out  of  Geoffry  Wheeler's  team,  and  was  there  studying  hu 
man  nature  and  the  picturesque.  Flan  Sucker,  one-eyed  Ben 
Inky  and  Jeff  Drinker,  with  a  squad  of  regular  loafers, 
came  on  foot.  The  Tumbledownians  were  there  in  great 
force  under  Gale  Goodfellow,  to  help  Theodore  Fog — and 
the  Bickerbrayians  with  Virgil  Philpot,  the  editor  of  The 
Scrutinizer,  mustered  a  heavy  phalanx  in  favor  of  Ag.  Flag. 
And  to  swell  the  assemblage  to  its  largest  compass,  there 
were  about  fifty  laborers  from  the  newly-begun  Bickerbray 
and  Meltpenny  Railroad,  a  worthy  accession  to  the  New 
Light  Democracy,  who  had  about  a  month  before  this  meet 
ing  come  into  the  state. 

This  is  a  hasty  glance  over  the  field  of  action,  and  will 
serve  to  show  that  the  country  was  all  alive  to  the  impor 
tance  of  the  occasion  and  duly  estimated  the  nature  of  the 


QUODLIBET.  115 

crisis.  Looking  over  this  congregation  I,  as  one  having 
knowledge  therein,  may  safely  affirm,  that  the  genuine 
Quods  present  fully  outnumbered  the  Whigs  three  to  one. 
Eliphalet  Fox,  who  has  been  more  accustomed  to  mea 
sure  crowds,  however,  after  a  minute  inspection  of  the 
various  groups,  judging  by  that  tact  which  he  says  never 
failed  him  in  discriminating  between  what  he  calls  a  Loco 
Foco  and  a  Whig,  (he  does  not  pretend  to  say  that  he  is 
so  expert  in  pointing  out  a  New  Light,  but  as  to  a  Loco 
he  asserts  he  is  perfect,)  set  down  the  number  at  nearer 
ten  to  one;  and  accordingly  so  reported  it  in  the  account 
of  the  meeting  which  afterwards  appeared  in  The  Whole 
Hog.  Without,  however,  dwelling  upon  this  topic,  let  us 
proceed  to  the  business  of  the  day. 

At  twelve  o'clock  dinner  was  announced;  and  this  army 
of  hungry  politicians,  with  an  unanimity  of  sentiment,  an 
accord  of  principle,  and  a  concert  of  action,  which  we 
might  in  vain  seek  for  in  other  occupations  of  a  political 
nature,  combined,  like  a  band  of  brothers,  to  devour  the 
largest  possible  amount  of  the  stores  which  lay  before 
them.  With  somewhat  less  agreement  they  made  their 
advances  to  the  Monongahela;  the  more  shy  of  the  assem 
blage  being  rather  kept  at  bay  by  the  remarkable  perse 
verance  and  adhesiveness  of  Flan  Sucker,  one-eyed  Ben 
Inky,  and  a  chosen  body  of  troops  under  their  command, 
who  had  constituted  themselves  the  forlorn  hope  in  this 
assault.  Still,  as  the  newspapers  say  when  they  are  dis 
posed  to  puff  a  popular  play,  the  barrel  went  off  very  much 
to  the  satisfaction  and,  indeed,  the  delight  of  the  company. 

These  matters  being  despatched,  Nicodemus  Handy 
who,  during  the  repast,  had  acted  inimitably  the  part  of  a 
perfectly  ravenous  man,  but  who  having  an  eye  to  the  sand 
wiches  and  Rudesheimer,  made  his  appetite  rather  a  matter 
of  "  seems,"  rapped  upon  the  table,  and  called  upon  every 


116  QUODLIBET. 

man  to  fill  up  his  glass;  which  order  was  faithfully  obeyed 
by  Flan  Sucker  and  Company,  a  firm  that  was  in  possession 
of  all  the  tumblers — the  remainder  of  the  guests  allowing 
the  filling  to  be,  as  we  say  in  grammar,  "  understood," — and 
then  offered  the  following  toast,  which,  as  he  said,  would 
speak  for  itself: — "  The  several  candidates  who  are  about 
to  address  the  people — success  to  him  who  shall  best  de 
serve  it!"  Sucker  and  Company  drained  to  the  bottom,  and 
then  set  up  a  shrill  yell,  very  much  in  the  style  of  the 
Winnebagoes,  except  that  there  was  a  running  note  of 
"  Yip!  No?  You  don't!"  that  was  strictly  and  exclusively 
Sucker  ian. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  to  the  stand!"  cried  out  Mr.  Handy. 

But  before  the  crowd  obeyed  this  order,  Mr.  Snuffers 
had  a  motion  to  make.  It  was  a  matter  of  some  importance, 
as  the  subject  was  considered  in  the  New  Light  club,  that 
our  party  should  have  the  President  of  the  day — and  it  was 
therefore  determined  that  the  moment  dinner  was  over,  and 
before  the  Whigs  might  be  aware  of  it,  Mr.  Snuffers,  the 
head  of  our  club,  should  rise  in  some  conspicuous  place, 
and  move  that  Nicodemus  Handy  be  requested  to  preside 
over  the  meeting.  Mr.  Snuffers  is  a  slow  and  nervous  man, 
and  was  admonished  to  be  on  his  guard,  so  as  to  make  sure 
of  getting  ahead  of  the  Whigs  who  we  knew  wanted  Mr. 
Grant  in  the  chair.  He  was  in  consequence  very  fidgetty 
all  the  time  of  dinner;  and  now,  when  the  moment  for  action 
arrived,  the  good  old  gentleman  elbowed  his  way  towards 
the  centre  of  the  table,  and  without  difficulty  succeeded  in 
clambering  upon  an  inverted  and  empty  flour  barrel,  which 
had  been  filled  with  bread.  "I  move,  gentlemen,"  said  he, 
with  a  tremulous  and  agitated  voice — "  I  move,  gentlemen, 
that  Mr.  Nicodemus  Handy " 

Before  the  next  word  escaped  from  his  lips,  this  worthy 
and  respectable  old  gentleman  broke  in,  and  in  an  instant 


QUODLIBET.  117 

(I  am  shocked  to  tell  it)  was  jammed  up  tight  in  the  barrel 
— disappearing  as  a  dip  of  twenty  to  the  pound  is  very  apt 
to  do  when  stuck  into  a  black  bottle — "be  President  of  this 
meeting,"  said  Mr.  Doubleday,  with  a  hurried  utterance, 
taking  up  the  word  which  was  lost  with  Mr.  Snuffers,  and 
which,  but  for  the  admirable  presence  of  mind  of  our  Vice, 
might  have  been  lost  forever. 

"  Break  the  barrel  to  pieces,"  cried  out  forty  voices. 

"  Mr.  Snuffers  is  blue  in  the  face,  he  will  die  of  apo 
plexy,"  cried  out  others. 

"  An  axe! — knock  the  d — d  barrel  to  pieces,"  shouted 
more,  in  great  alarm  at  his  precarious  situation. 

In  a  few  moments  our  distressed  and  worthy  President  of 
the  New  Light  was  extricated  from  his  unpleasant  durance, 
and  finding  no  harm  done,  we  proceeded  to  take  the  ques 
tion  on  the  motion.  Mr.  Handy  was  thus  called  to  the 
chair.  Nine  Vice-presidents  were  appointed  and  six  secre 
taries  to  record  the  proceedings.  These  matters  being  ar 
ranged,  the  whole  assemblage  moved  towards  the  rostrum 
at  the  opposite  end  of  the  wood. 

What  followed  we  shall  read  in  the  next  chapter. 


^f\ 

\      )  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  X. 

SCENES   AT  THE   SYCAMORE    SPRING. NICODEMUS    HANDY's    SPEECH   AS 

PRESIDENT. SKETCH  OP   ANDREW  GRANT'S  SPEECH. — AGAMEMNON 

FLAG'S. — ATTEMPTS  AT  INTERRUPTION. — THEODORE  FOG'S  CELEBRA 
TED  SPEECH  ON  THIS  OCCASION. — ELOQUENT  EXPOSITION  OF  PRINCI 
PLES. — HIS  TRIUMPH. HIS  MISFORTUNE. — GlUIPEs's  DISAPPOINTMENT 

OF  HIS  FRIENDS. 

WHEN  the  crowd  had  gathered  around  the  stand  appro 
priated  to  the  President,  the  nine  Vice  presidents  and  the  six 
secretaries,  besides  the  speakers  who  were  to  address  the 
meeting;  and  when  every  officer  was  in  his  place,  Nicode- 
mus  Handy  came  forward  with  his  pocket  handkerchief  in 
his  hand,  wiping  from  his  brow  the  perspiration,  which 
naturally  breaks  out  on  a  man  of  sensibility  and  wealth 
when  called  to  discharge  the  honorable  and  responsible 
function  of  presiding  over  a  vast  concourse  of  freemen.  By 
way  of  digression,  I  would  take  this  occasion  to  remark 
upon  the  extreme  appropriateness  of  the  phrase  which  is 
now  universally  used  in  describing  meetings  of  the  people, 
and  which  always  refers  to  them  as  freemen.  Ever  since 
the  people  have  been  drilled  to  walk  in  the  way  appointed 
for  them  by  the  leaders  of  their  respective  parties,  and  are 
so  liberally  told  how  they  must  think,  speak  and  vote;  and 
when  no  man  is  allowed  to  walk  out  of  that  path,  without 
being  threatened  with  condign  punishment,  it  is  extremely 
proper,  in  order  to  avoid  odious  imputations  which  malevo- 


QUODLIBET.  119 

lent  observers  might  cast  upon  them,  on  all  occasions  to 
employ  the  phrase  I  have  alluded  to;  since,  if  this  were 
neglected,  these  malvolent  observers  might  take  it  into  their 
heads  to  call  the  people  of  our  free  republic  Tools,  Instru 
ments,  Rank-and-File,  and  other  names  significant  of  a  state 
of  subserviency,  which  in  the  eyes  of  strangers  might  cast 
discredit  on  our  free  institutions:  even  the  officers  of  our 
government,  might  be  branded  with  the  name  of  hirelings 
and  servants,  and  an  opinion  might  thus  be  fostered  that, 
instead  of  being  the  freest  nation  upon  earth,  we  were  a  set 
of  slaves  governed  by  a  set  of  hired  servants — a  most  un 
warrantable,  unjust  and  derogatory  conclusion.  For  this 
reason,  I  am  particular  in  the  language  above  employed, 
and  I  think  that  every  genuine  Quod  will  see  the  value 
and  the  force  of  my  vindication  and  use  of  this  phrase. 

Mr.  Handy  rose  to  his  feet,  wiped  his  brow,  and  made  a 
graceful  obedience  to  the  assembled  body  of  freemen. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  with  a  most  laudable  diffidence, 
in  a  voice  which  not  more  than  fifteen  persons,  exclusive  of 
the  nine  Vices  and  six  secretaries,  could  hear;  "  Sensible  of 
the  great  honor — endeavor  to  discharge  with  fidelity- 
obvious  incapacity — but  exceedingly  flattered  by  the  testi 
mony  of  your  confidence;"  then  wiping  his  brow,  still  more 
vehemently,  with  his  cambric  handkerchief  rolled  up  like  a 
snow-ball,  he  continued;  "  It  falls  to  my  lot  to  introduce  to 
you  our  distinguished  [friends,  Agamemnon  Flag,  Andrew 
Grant  and  Theodore  Fog,  Esquires,  men  of  whom  any  land 
may  be  proud — they  will  speak  for  themselves.  With  such 
men  to  choose  from,  our  country  cannot  fail  to  rise  up  to  the 
very  midnight  of  prosperity,  honor  and  renown.  Thanks 
for  your  attention — rely  upon  your  indulgence — Mr.  Grant 
will  lead  off." 

"  Three  cheers  for  Nicodemus  Handy!"  cried  out  several 
Quods,  as  soon  as  our  distinguished  townsman  took  his 


120  QUODLIBET. 

seat;  and,  thereupon,  about  twenty  heads  were  uncovered, 
and  the  twenty  throats  appurtenant  to  the  same,  gave  the 
three  rounds  called  for. 

Andrew  Grant  now  came  forward,  and  made  a  discourse 
of  about  an  hour's  length.  It  was  in  the  usual  style  of  the 
Whigs,  and  began  with  an  attempt  to  raise  an  impression 
that  the  country,  notwithstanding  General  Jackson's  express 
declaration  to  the  contrary,  given  to  the  nation  under  the 
solemn  sanction  of  a  presidental  message,  and  notwithstand 
ing  his  successor's  certificate  to  the  same  effect,  was  in  a 
state  of  difficulty  and  distress.  This  young  man,  not  more 
than  twenty-five  years  of  age,  living  in  comparative  obscurity, 
had  the  hardihood,  in  the  face  of  a  large  and  respectable 
body  of  freemen,  to  contradict  the  word  of  two  Presidents 
of  the  United  States!  Then,  after  coloring  this  picture  of 
adversity  with  all  imaginable  hues  of  shade,  he  did  not 
scruple  to  affirm  that  the  whole  of  these  fancied  embarrass 
ments  were  brought  on  by  the  folly,  as  he  termed  it,  of  our 
rulers — charged  the  great  Democratic  majority  of  the  nation 
with  having  carried  bad  measures  through  congress — said 
the  Whigs  had  warned  us  of  the  results  of  these  measures — 
and  even  went  to  the  point  of  asserting  that  the  suspension 
of  the  banks,  was  the  consequence  of  the  acts  of  the  party 
in  power.  To  make  out  this  absurd  proposition,  he  read 
extracts  from  the  speeches  of  Whig  members,  against  the 
Removal  of  the  Deposites,  to  show  what  he  called  their  pro 
phecies  of  disaster  to  the  people;  then  actually  affirmed,  that 
the  experiment  of  General  Jackson  upon  the  Currency  had 
failed,  and  that  all  the  Whig  predictions  had  come  true;  and 
after  sundry  excursions  into  the  Hard  Money  and  State  Bank 
systems  of  the  administration,  finally  wound  up  his  remarks 
by  a  very  fatiguing  enumeration  of  the  General's  pledges  to 
the  people  before  his  election,  and  his  changes  of  opinion 
upon  these  subjects  afterwards; — in  regard  to  which  he  pro- 


QUODLIBET.  121 

duced  and  read  certain  long-winded  documents  from  the  Presi 
dent  and  secretaries,  to  the  great  annoyance  of  our  Quods, 
who,  in  fact,  became  so  tired  of  this  impertinent  matter,  that 
not  more  than  half  a  dozen  of  them  remained  within  hearing 
of  the  speaker,  the  great  bulk  of  them  having  gone  over  to 
the  spring  to  refresh  themselves  in  a  more  agreeable  manner. 
Eliphalet  Fox  very  aptly  remarked,  immediately  after  this 
long  prosing  was  brought  to  an  end,  that  the  speech  was  a 
perfect  failure:  he  had  heard  Andy  Grant  spoken  of  as  a 
young  man  of  talents,  but  he  turns  out  to  be  a  miserable 
take-in.  ««  Nothing  in  him,  sir,"  said  Eliphalet,  in  his  terse 
way,  "  Nothing  in  him,  sir." 

The  Whigs,  as  is  usual  with  them,  affected  to  be  hugely 
delighted.  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tompkinson  took  pen 
cil  notes  and  announced  his  purpose,  to  publish  the  speech 
entire.  "A  great  speech  that,"  said  he  to  Mr.  Snuffers — 
"extraordinary  young  man! — great  speech." 

Mr.  Handy  now  lost  no  time  in  presenting  Agamemnon 
Flag,  who  came  forward  with  a  confident,  self-possessed  air 
smiling  through  his  gold  spectacles  and  apparently  very 
much  delighted  at  the  opportunity  of  presenting  himself  be 
fore  his  fellow  citizens. 

"  I  see  before  me" — said  he  in  a  clear,  fine-toned  voice, 
and  with  an  affable  manner,  "  a  vast  concourse" — 

"Put  on  your  hat,"  cried  out  three  or  four  from  the 
crowd,  upon  observing  that  a  sun-beam  had  straggled  through 
the  foliage  and  lit  up  Agamemnon's  yellow,  curly  locks 
likening  them  to  golden  wire. 

"Thank  you  my  friends,"  said  the  orator,  stepping  one  pace 
to  the  right  and  thus  bringing  himself  into  the  shade,  "in  the 
presence  of  the  sovereign  people,  I  always  stand  uncovered, 
regardless  of  the  exposure  of  my  person." 

This  happy  sally  brought  forth  a  long  and  loud  clapping 
of  hands  from  the  great  multitude  of  Quods,  who,  the  mo- 
11 


122  QUODLIBET. 

ment  Andy  Grant  had  finished  speaking,  had  crowded 
back  to  the  stand. 

"  Take  off  your  goold  specs,  Ag;  let's  see  your  dimmycra- 
tic  phiz  out  and  out!" — said  Flan  Sucker  at  the  top  of  his 
voice,  from  the  outskirts  of  the  assemblage. 

A  loud  laugh  that  shook  full  one  hundred  diaphragms, 
followed  this  demand,  and  Agamemnon  good  naturedly  took 
off  his  glasses. 

"  Any  thing  to  oblige  you,  gentlemen" — said  he — "  but  as 
I  am  very  short-sighted,  I  deprive  myself  of  the  pleasure 
of  a  better  view  of  my  worthy  fellow  citizens." — 

"  Put  on  your  specs,  Ag,"  said  Nim  Porter — "  never  mind 
Flan  Sucker!" 

"Put  on  your  specs!"  cried  out  the  whole  of  the  con 
vention  who  had  nominated  the  ticket,  backed  by  a  number 
of  their  friends." 

a  D — n  his  eyes,"  said  Gale  Goodfellow  turning  to  his 
Tumbledownians  who  were  all  friends  of  Fog,  and  of 
course  opposed  to  the  nomination.  "  Let's  have  a  repre 
sentative  who  can  see  what  he  is  about — none  of  your  goold 
daylights!" 

"  Specs  or  no  specs,  go  it! — Yip! — No? You  don't!" 

shouted  Flan  Sucker,  with  a  voice  that  rang  like  a  trumpet. 

«  Or— der, — Or — der,"  saicl  Mr.  Handy,  rising  from  his 
seat  and  coming  forward  beside  the  speaker,  and  waving  his 
hand  to  the  crowd,  greatly  concerned  to  see  these  manifes 
tations  of  dissension  in  the  ranks  of  the  party.  "  Gentle 
men,  it  is  but  fair  that  every  man  should  be  heard,  and  the 
chair  takes  occasion  to  say,  that  it  is  mortified  at  these  inter 
ruptions.  If  the  gentlemen  opposed  to  the  nomination — 
the  chair  alludes  to  those  who  have  unfortunately  allowed 
themselves  to  be  influenced  by  the  iron  railing,  a  subject 
which  has  nothing  upon  earth  to  do  with  the  pending  elec 
tion — if  these  gentlemen  are  not  disposed  to  give  Mr.  Aga- 


QUODLIBET.  123 

memnon  Flag  an  opportunity  of  delivering  himself,  the  chair 
would  invite  such  persons  to  reflect  upon  the  obvious  im 
propriety  of  such  a  course.  The  chair  is  persuaded  that 
this  disturbance  results  from  mere  want  of  reflection,  and 
hopes  it  shall  not  be  required  again  to  remind  gentlemen  of 
the  courtesy  due  to  Mr.  Flag." 

As  Virgil  describes  in  that  notable  passage,  the  subduing 
of  the  rage  of  popular  commotion  by  ^Eneas,  and  likens  it 
to  the  mandate  of  Neptune  quelling  the  waves  of  old  ocean, 
so  fell  Mr.  Handy's  timely  reproof  upon  the  anti-iron-rail 
ings,  and,  in  a  moment,  all  was  still.  Agamemnon  then 
began  again  in  his  original  track. 

"  I  see  before  me  a  vast  concourse  of  free  citizens — the 
solid,  substantial,  durable,  permanent,  everlasting  pillars  of 
free  government.  The  honest,  upright,  pure,  hard-handed, 
horny-fisted,  Democratic  yeomanry  of  the  country  are  here 
— not  the  flesh  and  blood  of  the  country,  for  that  is  the 
pampered  aristocracy — but  the  bone  and  sinew  surround  me. 
It  rejoices  my  eyes  to  behold  these  honest,  sturdy,  indepen 
dent,  intelligent,  invincible  tillers  of  the  soil — these  brawny, 
unconquerable,  liberty-loving  working-men — I  say,  sir,  I 
delight  to  look  upon  them;  my  feeble  vision,  sir " 

44  Put  on  your  specs,  Ag!"  shouted  Ben  Inky  and  Flan 
Sucker  again,  at  the  same  instant; — and  the  cry  was  echoed 
from  various  quarters. 

Some  moments  of  disorder  again  prevailed,  which  re 
quired  the  second  interposition  of  Mr.  Handy,  who,  in  the 
most  spirited  manner,  proclaimed  his  positive  determination 
to  resign,  unless  the  order  of  the  meeting  could  be  pre 
served.  "  I  will  never  consent,"  said  he  with  a  most  laud 
able  energy,  "to  hold  any  post,  executive  or  representative, 
for  one  moment  after  I  shall  have  discovered  that  I  do  not 
possess  the  confidence  of  the  people;  the  chair  must  feel 


124  QUODLIBET. 

itself  compelled,  by  every  sentiment  which,  as  a  friend  of 
the  New  Light  Democracy,  it  holds  dear,  to  resign  the  mo 
ment  it  finds  that  it  has  fallen  into  a  minority."  Then  fol- 
owed  these  remarkable  words: — "  Sustain  me,  Quodlibeta- 
rians,  or  let  me  go!" 

For  full  five  minutes  after  this,  the  uproar  was  tremen 
dous.  The  Iron  Railings  and  Anti-Iron  Railings  almost 
came  to  blows.  The  Tumbledownians  and  Bickerbrayians 
took  their  appropriate  sides  in  the  contest,  and,  for  a  space, 
nothing  was  heard  but  shouts  of  Fog! — Flag! — Fog! — Flag! 
over  the  whole  field.  When  both  parties  had  bawled  them 
selves  perfectly  hoarse,  and  for  mere  want  of  wind  ceased 
the  clamor,  Theodore  Fog  mounted  the  hustings,  and  made 
a  special  request  of  his  friends  to  keep  the  peace  and  hear 
Mr.  Flag  to  an  end.  He  put  this  request  upon  the  ground 
of  a  personal  favor  to  himself,  and  promised  them  that,  at 
the  proper  time,  they  should  hear  his  sentiments  very  fully 
upon  all  the  agitating  questions  of  the  day. 

This  appeal  was  conclusive,  and  Mr.  Flag  once  more 
presented  himself.  But  the  interruptions  he  had  suffered 
seemed  most  unhappily  to  have  thrown  him  entirely  out  of 
gear;  and  becoming  very  much  embarrassed,  he  struggled 
for  some  moments  to  regain  his  self-possession,  as  I 
thought,  without  success — although  Fox  thought  otherwise, 
— and,  after  less  than  half  an  hour's  speaking,  sat  down,  ra 
ther  crest-fallen  and  mortified. 

I  may  unwittingly  do  Mr.  Flag  injustice  in  this  remark ; 
for,  in  truth,  my  mind  was  greatly  occupied  with  the  tumult, 
and  I  confess  I  was,  therefore,  not  a  very  attentive  listener. 
Fox,  on  the  contrary,  was  minutely  observant  of  the  speech, 
and  did  not  scruple  to  pronounce  it  a  masterly  effort  of  elo 
quence,  calculated  to  place  Mr.  Flag  beside  the  first  states 
men  of  our  country.  This  was  his  opinion  at  the  time,  and 


QUODLIBET.  125 

was  even  more  warmly  and  eulogistically  expressed  subse 
quently,  in  The  Whole  Hog,  where  the  speech  appeared  in 
nine  closely  printed  columns  on  the  following  Saturday. 

Theodore  Fog  was  always  a  great  favorite  at  our  public 
meetings,  and  the  moment  now  approached  when  the  field 
was  to  be  surrendered  to  him.  The  New  Lights,  including 
the  members  of  the  nominating  convention  and  the  friends 
of  the  Iron  Railing  Compromise,  backed  by  Virgil  Philpot 
of  the  Scrutiniser,  and  a  large  force  of  Bickerbrayians,  were 
determined  that  Agamemnon  Flag  should  not  want  a  very 
decisive  token  of  applause;  and  they  accordingly  called  out 
for  "  nine  cheers  for  the  regular  candidate!"  Responsive 
to  this  call,  their  whole  party  lustily  set  about  the  work ; 
and,  for  some  minutes  after  the  conclusion  of  Agamemnon's 
speech,  the  air  resounded  with  huzzas  for  "  Flag  and  the 
Constitution,"  "  New  Light  and  Regular  Nomination." 
This  was  answered  by  a  round  for  "  Fog  and  Reform!" 
"  Retrenchment  and  no  Iron  Railing!"  and  Fog,  in  the 
midst  of  this  acclamation,  appearing  on  the  speaker's  stand, 
all  cries  were  lost  in  the  most  violent  clapping  of  hands. 

Theodore  Fog's  figure  is  above  six  feet,  lean  and  bony, 
and  with  a  stoop  which  inclines  a  little  to  the  right,  so  as 
to  bring  his  left  shoulder  nearer  to  the  ear  than  its  opposite. 
His  arms  are  unusually  long,  his  head  small,  his  face 
strongly  furrowed  with  deep  lines,  his  eyes  of  a  greenish 
lustre,  his  nose  decidedly  of  the  pug  species,  his  mouth 
large,  his  complexion  of  that  sallow,  drum-head  parchment 
hue  that  equally  defies  the  war  of  the  elements,  and  the 
ravages  of  alcohol.  Although  short  of  fifty  years  of  age 
his  hair  is  iron  grey  and  spreads  in  a  thick  mat  over  his 
whole  cranium.  At  no  time  of  life  has  he  been  careful  of 
dress,  but  now  has  declined  into  an  extreme  of  negligence 
in  this  particular.  On  the  present  occasion,  he  wore  a 
striped  gingham  coat,  rather  short  in  the  sleeves,  and  cross- 
11* 


126  QUODLIBET. 

barred  pantaloons;  his  shirt  collar  was  turned  down  over  a 
narrow,  horsehair  stock;  and  a  broad  black  ribbon  guard 
crossed  his  breast  and  terminated  in  the  right  pocket  of  a 
black  bombazet  waistcoat,  where  it  was  plainly  to  be  seen 
from  the  external  impression,  lodged  a  large  watch.  He 
presented  himself  to  the  multitude,  holding  in  his  hand  a 
rather  shabby  straw  hat,  which  he,  nevertheless,  flourished 
with  the  air  and  grace  of  one  who  had  known  better  days 
than  his  habiliments  seemed  to  denote. 

He  stood  for  some  time  bowing  and  waving  his  hat  in 
return  for  the  clamorous  approbation  with  which  he  was 
greeted;  and  when,  at  length,  silence  was  restored,  he  began 
his  speech. 

"Countrymen  and  Friends:  you  of  Quodlibet,  Bickerbray, 
Tumbledown  and  the  adjacent  parts,  hear  me!  I  am  an  old, 
tried  and  trusty,  unflinching  and  unterrified  Quodlibetarian, 
New  Light  Democrat — Flan  Sucker,  bring  us  a  tumbler  of 
water — tangle  it,  Flan — no  hypocrisy  in  me,  gentlemen,  I 
go  for  the  ardent.  You  all  know  I  am,  and  was  from  the 
first,  opposed  to  the  iron  railing — (here  arose  a  cheer  from 
the  Anties) — but  I  don't  come  to  talk  to  you  about  that. 
You  know,  moreover,  that  I  am  an  anti-nomination  man — 
I'm  out  on  independent  grounds — every  man  for  himself,  as 
the  jackass  said  to  the  chickens — (a  loud  laugh).  I  want 
to  say  a  word  about  Agamemnon  Flag — commonly  called 
Ag.  Flag.  Who's  he?  Look  at  them  gold  spectacles  and 
you  will  see  what  he  is  at  once.  When  the  plastic  hand  of 
Dame  Nature  set  about  the  fabrication  of  that  masterpiece 
of  human  mechanism,  a  genuine,  out-and-out  thorough- 
stitched  New  Light  Democrat,  she  never  thought  of  sticking 
upon  him  a  nose  to  be  ridden  by  two  gold  rings  hung  over 
it  like  a  pair  of  saddlebags — (loud  laughter.)  We  have 
other  uses  for  our  gold — we  want  it  for  mint  drops — old 
Tom  Benton's  mint  drops — to  be  run  up  into  them,  to  give 


QUODLIBET.  127 

the  honest,  poor  man  something  better,  when  his  week's 
work  is  done,  than  Copperplate  Bank  rags,  signed  Nico- 
demus  Handy — (loud  shouts  and  cheers  from  Flan  Sucker's 
squad  and  the  Tumbledowns;  and  groans  and  hisses  from 
the  Convention  men  and  Bickerbrays.)  Friends,  I  tell  you, 
our  party  is  split;  emphatically  split.  I  have  seen  this 
coming  for  some  time.  We  have  three  sets  of  New  Lights 
amongst  us,  and  it  is  time  we  should  know  it.  There  are 
THE  MANDARINS,  our  big  bugs,  and  I  could  name  them  to 
you.  You  will  find  them  on  Copperplate  Ridge — ('Bah, 
Bah!'  from  the  New  Light  Club — 'Go  it  The!  go  it,  old 
fellow!'  from  the  Andes.)  You  will  find  them  at  Popular 
Flats — ('  That  won't  do !'  cried  fifty  voices — '  three  cheers 
for  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam!' — loud  cheering  for  Flam— 
'Walk  into  them,  Fog!'  from  the  Andes — great  laughter 
and  rubbing  of  hands  amongst  the  Whigs.)  You  will  find 
them  in  the  Forwarding  and  Commission  Line — (great  up 
roar  on  all  sides.)  After  the  Mandarins,  come  THE  MID 
DLINGS,  and  after  the  Middlings,  THE  TRUE  GRITS — the 
hearty,  whole-souled,  no  mistake  Quods.  I'm  a  TRUE 
GRIT! — (great  applause.)  We  are  nature's  noblemen — give 
me  that  water,  Flan. — I  call  myself  one  of  the  Royal  Family 
of  the  Sovereign  People — (renewed  laughter  and  applause.) 
I  am  no  kid-glove-MANDARiN-Democrat — I  am  no  milk-and- 
water,  flesh-and-fowl,  half-hawk-half-buzzard-MiDDLiNG- 
Democrat — I  am,  to  all  intents  and  purposes,  toties  quodes 
in  puris  naturalibus,  a  TRUE  GRIT,  a  whole  TRUE  GRIT, 
and  nothing  but  a  TRUE  GRIT. — (Here  Theodore  was 
obliged  to  pause  a  full  minute  on  account  of  the  cheering.) 

"  Now  this  brings  me,"  he  continued  after  drinking  off 
the  potation  which  Flan  Sucker  had  assiduously  placed  upon 
the  stand  for  his  use,  "  to  Andy  Grant.  Andy  Grant  has 
told  you  a  great  deal  about  General  Jackson's  pledges,  and 
his  changes  and  what  not.  Well,  sirs,  he  did  change — 


128  QUODLIBET. 

what  of  it?  Is  Democracy  like  the  laws  of  the  Medes  and 
Persians  ?  Is  that  great  sublime  truth  which  vivifies  the 
patriot's  heart,  resuscitates  his  ambition  and  sparkles  in  the 
human  breast,  like  a  stone  in  the  bottom  of  a  well  for  toads 
to  sit  on?  or  is  it  the  divine  rainbow  spanning  the  earth 
with  its  arch,  and  changing  with  the  sun,  now  in  the  East, 
now  in  the  West?  Is  it  a  post  set  up  in  a  stream  for  the 
liquid  element  of  human  policy  forever  to  roll  by  and  leave 
behind?  or  is  it  the  mighty  mass  of  steam  power  that  not 
only  floats  upon  that  element,  but  flies  onward  across  the 
great  ocean  of  mortal  things  forever  changing  in  its  career? 
Is  not  democracy  itself  the  march  of  intellect?  and  does  not 
marching  consist  in  change  of  place  ? — I  hear  you  all  an 
swer,  with  one  accord,  Aye,  aye,  aye ! — (Taking  the  word 
from  the  orator,  there  was  a  loud  affirmative  response  to 
these  questions.) 

"  Well  then,  Jackson  did  change.  He  was  for  the  single 
term — he  was  against  it :  I  confess  the  fact.  He  was  for 
the  Protective  system — he  was  against  it:  I  agree  to  it. 
He  was  for  a  National  Bank — he  was  against  it :  what  of 
that?  He  was  for  the  distribution  of  the  surplus,  and  again 
he  was  against  it :  I  know  it.  He  was  for  Internal  Im 
provements; — he  changed  his  mind — he  was  against  them. 
Then  again,  sirs,  he  was  against  the  interference  of  officers 
in  the  elections ; — he  was  sorry  for  it,  and  took  the  other 
tack.  He  was  against  the  appointment  of  members  of 
congress — in  theory ; — in  practice  he  was  for  it.  He  was 
against  this  Sub  Treasury — and  perhaps  he  is  now  for  it. 
It  is  all  true,  as  Andy  Grant  has  told  you: — it  is  in  the  docu 
ments,  I  don't  deny  it.  Sirs,  it  is  the  glory  of  his  character 
that  he  has  been  for  and  against  every  thing ; — and  as  Mr. 
Van  Buren  promises  to  follow  in  his  footsteps,  he,  of  course, 
will  be  for  and  against  every  thing — I  know  him.  He 
would  not  be  a  genuine  New  Light,  if  he  were  not.  We 


QUODLIBET.  129 

are  all,  (and  here  Fog  raised  his  voice  to  the  highest  key, 
and  struck  the  board  sharply  with  his  hand)  FOR  and  AGAINST 
every  thing!  How  else  can  we  be  with  the  majority? 
What  is  the  New  Light,  Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  but  a 
strict  conformity  to  the  will  of  the  majority?  Against  that 
and  that  only  we  never  go! — (tremendous  applause.)  As 
Levi  Beardsly  said,  Perish  Commerce,  Perish  Credit! — and 
I  say,  Perish  Currency,  Banks,  Sub  Treasury,  Constitution, 
Law,  Benton,  Amos,  Van — I  had  almost  said  perish  Old 
Hickory — but  always  go  with  the  MAJORITY!" 

After  this  burst,  which  may  be  said  to  be  truly  eloquent, 
Theodore  made  a  very  happy  hit  in  touching  upon  the  na 
tural  hostility  between  the  rich  and  the  poor,  showing,  with 
great  point  of  remark,  how  impossible  it  was  for  these  two 
classes  to  have  any  Christian  feelings  towards  each  other; 
and  arguing  from  that  the  great  New  Light  Democratic  prin 
ciple,  that  in  every  department  of  the  government  any  man 
who  holds  property  ought  to  be  deprived  of  all  influence, 
and  that  it  was  the  poor  man's  right  to  legislate  away  the 
rich  man's  possessions.  "  Do  we  not  know,"  said  he, 
"  that  in  every  community  the  majority  are  poor?  that  there 
are  two  men  without  property  for  every  one  man  with  it? 
Of  course  then,  it  follows  logically,  that,  as  two  heads  are 
better  than  one,  the  sole  right,  as  well  as  the  sole  power  of 
legislation  is  in  the  poor;  and  that  they  may  make  laws  for 
the  government  of  the  rich,  but  the  rich  cannot  make  laws 
for  the  government  of  the  poor.  Besides,  who  would  be 
the  most  impartial  in  such  a  matter,  the  man  legislating  for 
his  own  property,  or  the  man  legislating  for  his  neighbor's? 
This  requires  no  reply." 

Upon  the  subject  of  the  sub  treasury,  Fog  avowed  boldly 
his  non-commitalism.  "I  am  not  sure,  at  this  moment," 
said  he,  "how  the  land  lies.  I  wait  to  ascertain  the  sen 
timent  of  the  majority,  which,  without  taking  sides,  I  rather 


130  QUODLIBET. 

incline  to  think  is  against  the  measure.  I  judge  from  the 
vote  of  the  New  Lights  two  years  ago — although,  I  confess, 
that  two  years  are  a  long  period  for  a  New  Light  to  look 
back,  and  that  it  is  rather  over  the  usual  time  in  which  cus 
tom  requires  we  should  change.  I  shall  iv ait  for  events" 

There  were  other  subjects  embraced  in  this  speech,  upon 
which  my  memoranda  are  imperfect;  but  there  was  one 
part  of  it,  towards  the  conclusion,  which  was  very  pathetic. 

The  orator  turned  to  those  strangers  amongst  us  who  had 
come  over  from  the  Bickerbray  and  Meltpenny  Rail  Road. 
"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "you  stand  in  a  peculiarly  interest 
ing  relation  to  the  New  Lights.  You  are  strangers,  and, 
as  the  poet  says, 

'  Stranger  is  a  sacred  name.' 

Therefore,  it  is  our  wish  to  take  you  in.  You  have  not 
been  over  sixty  days  in  our  state:  you  are  separated  many 
of  you,  from  your  sweethearts — some  of  you  from  your 
wives — all  of  you  from  your  homes: — wife — sweetheart — 
home!  Affecting  words! 

*  Where  is  the  man  with  soul  so  dead 
Who  never  to  himself  hath  said 

This  is  my  own,  my  native  land,  and  so  forth.' " 

Here  Theodore  took  up  his  red  pocket  handkerchief 
which  was  already  well  saturated  with  the  sweat  of  his 
brow,  and  feelingly  wiped  his  eyes  for  some  moments, 
manifestly  overcome  by  his  emotions.  At  length  he  pro 
ceeded: 

"Do  not  despond,  gentlemen — do  not  despair.  The 
New  Lights  are  your  friends,  and  not  only  shall  you  find 
wife,  sweetheart,  home — aye  and  children,  in  Quodlibet, 
but  if  you  are  here  next  month,  we  will  see  if  some  of  you 
are  not  entitled  to  a  vote — that's  all. — I  have  no  doubt  a 


Q  U  O  D  L  I  B  E  T.  131 

large  portion  of  your  respectable  body  are  better  voters 
than  you  think  you  are.  And  at  all  events,  if  you  are  not, 
it  becomes  us  as  a  Christian  people  to  extend  to  you  that 
privilege.  I  go  for  the  repeal  of  all  laws  which  tyranni 
cally  require  a  year's  residence  in  the  state,  before  a  stranger 
is  allowed  to  vote." 

"Hurrah  for  Fog — hurrah  for  Fog!"  burst  forth  in  loud 
chorus  from  the  new  comers. 

"But,"  said  Theodore  in  continuation,  "as  I  scorn  con 
cealment,  I  must  be  frank  with  you.  The  stranger  should 
be  grateful  to  his  friends ;  and  I,  therefore,  for  one,  never 
can  consent  to  extend  the  invaluable  privilege  of  suffrage  to 
an  unworthy  man.  He  must  be  a  New  Light,  an  ardent, 
unblenching  Quodlibetarian  Democrat,  ready  to  go  in  what 
ever  way  we  who  take  the  trouble  to  do  his  thinking  for 
him,  require; — it  is  but  reasonable.  We  think,  study,  burn 
the  midnight  lamp,  and  toil,  when  he  sleeps,  and  all  for  the 
good  of  the  man  who  has  no  time  to  do  these  things  for 
himself — what  is  his  duty  in  return?  Why,  to  stand  by  us 
who  make  these  sacrifices  for  his  welfare — clearly — un 
doubtedly — incontestably." 

"Hurra  for  Fog!"  again  rose  in  hoarse  reduplications  on 
the  air. 

"  And  now,  fellow  countrymen,  one  and  all — men  of 
Quodlibet,  men  of  Bickerbray — and  especially  men  of  Old 
Tumbledown,  long  my  home,  and  never  absent  from  my 
heart — I  have  exposed  to  you  frankly,  freely,  unhesitatingly 
my  principles  and  professions. — You  see  me  as  I  am — na 
ked,  guileless  and  robed  in  the  simplicity  of  my  nature. — 
Flan,  another  glass  of  that  stuff,  my  boy.  I  do  not  imitate 
my  friend  Andy  Grant — for  he  is  my  friend — d — n  it,  we 
can  differ  in  politics  and  break  no  scores! — I  do  not,  like 
him  and  the  Whigs,  entertain  you  with  frothy  declamation, 
appealing  to  your  passions  or  your  prejudices — I  scorn  such 


132  QUODLIBET. 

stratagems. — No,  I  address  myself  solely  and  severely, 
sternly  without  a  flower,  prosaically,  without  a  figure, 
soberly,  without  a  flight,  to  your  cool,  temperate  and  un- 
seduced  capacity  of  logical  deduction.  Yes,  gentlemen,  I, 
a  poor  man,  do  battle  against  the  hosts  of  the  rich.  I,  the 
friend  of  honest  labor,  struggle  against  the  huge  monopoly 
of  hoarded  wealth,  hoarded  by  grinding  the  faces  of  our 
sterling  but  destitute  laboring  men — alone,  I  strive  against 
these  banded  powers — will  you  desert  me  in  the  strife?" 

"  Never!"  cried  Flan  Sucker,  Ben  Inky,  and  six  more 
of  Fog's  principal  men — "  Never,  never!" 

"  Then  I  am  content.  Come  weal,  come  woe,  here  is  a 
heart  that  will  never — or  rather,  gentlemen,  let  me  say  in 
the  words  of  the  Poet — (it  now  became  quite  obvious  that 
Theodore  was  beginning  to  be  very  seriously  affected  by 
the  frequent  refreshment  which  Flan  Sucker  had  adminis- 
terd  during  his  speech) . 

Come  one,  come  all,  this  rock  shall  fly 
From  his  firm  base  as  soon  as  I. 

"In  conclusion,  all  I  have  to  say  is  this — We  are  about  to 
part. — When  you  go  to  your  homes,  and  with  hearts  enrap 
tured  by  all  a  father's  and  a  husband's  failings — feelings — 
you  take  your  seats  beside  the  old  family  fire  sides,  and 
with  the  partners  of  your  bosoms  getting  supper,  and  your 
interesting  progeny  clustering  on  your  knees, — in  the  midst 
of  all  these  blessings  pause  to  ask  yourselves,  what  are 
they?  Your  hearts  will  answer,  they  are  our  Country! 
How  then,  you  will  inquire,  is  that  country  to  be  preserved, 
as  a  rich  inheritance  to  these  cherubs? — who  by  this  time 
have  climbed  as  high  as  your  waistcoat  pockets,  into  which 
they  have,  with  the  natural  instinct  of  young  New  I  lights, 
thrust  their  little  fingers — the  response  will  be  ready — Go 
to  the  polls  in  October — go,  determined  to  sustain  the  ever- 


QUODLIBET.  133 

lasting  principles  of  the  New  Light,  Qnodlibetarian,  demo 
cracy — go,  with  a  firm  resolve  to  support  no  Mandarin,  no 
Middling,  but  to  sustain  an  unadulterated  True  Grit: — go, 
to  vote  for  Theodore  Fog,  and  your  country  shall  be  for 
ever,  great,  prosperous  and  happy." 

A  wave  of  the  hand  and  a  bow  showed  that  Theodore  had 
uttered  his  last  words — upon  which  several  rounds  of  ap 
plause,  resembling  the  simultaneous  clapping  of  wings  and 
crowing  of  an  acre  of  cocks,  more  than  any  thing  else  I  can 
imagine,  shook  the  firmament,  and,  as  the  old  song  has  it, 
'*  made  the  welkin  roar."  A  party  of  Tumbledownians  in 
stigated  by  Gale  Goodfellow — (a  wag  who  follows  sporting, 
and  keeps  a  Bank — I  mean  a  Faro  Bank — at  Tumbledown, 
a  most  special  friend  of  Theodore's) — rushed  up  to  the 
platform  and  seizing  the  orator  in  their  arms,  bore  him  off 
in  triumph  to  the  Spring,  where  they  fell  to  celebrating 
their  victory,  in  advance  of  the  election,  over  a  fresh  sup 
ply  of  spirits  produced  by  Gale  Goodfellow  for  the  occasion. 
The  result  was  that  Theodore  was  obliged  to  be  taken  home 
to  Quodlibet  in  a  condition,  which  Mr.  Handy,  who  is 
President  of  the  Temperance  Society,  pronounced  to  be 
perfectly  shocking. 

Some  speaking  took  place  after  this  by  several  volun 
teers;  but  from  the  agitated  condition  of  the  assemblage,  and 
the  prevalence  of  uproar,  nothing  worthy  of  notice  trans 
pired,  and  by  sundown  nearly  all  who  could  get  away  had 
retired. 

Quipes  had  been  an  attentive  observer  of  the  earlier  scenes 
of  the  day,  and  as  he  had  his  diawing  book  with  him,  we 
had  reason  to  expect  some  spirited  sketches  of  the  crowd; 
but  the  poor  fellow,  being  fatigued  and  thirsty  and  of  a  sin 
gularly  weak  head,  was  overtaken  by  his  drought  and  was 
laid  away  in  the  afternoon  in  Abel  Brawn's  wagon,  in  which 
12 


134  QUODLIBET. 

he  was  brought  to  Quodlibet,  Neal  Hopper  undertaking  to 
ride  his  horse  back  to  the  Borough. 

The  result  of  this  day's  proceedings  was  unfavorable  to 
the  regular  nomination,  and  highly  auspicious  to  Theo 
dore  Fog.  It  was  very  evident  that  The  Split  was  going  to 
do  us  a  great  deal  of  harm,  and  this  gave  much  uneasinesss  to 
the  Club.  The  Whigs  seemed  to  consider  it  a  good  omen 
and  old  Mr.  Grant  and  his  party  left  the  field  in  high  spirits. 


QUODLIBET.  135 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE  DIVISION  OF  THE  PARTY  BECOMES  MORE  DISTINCT. — ADMIRABLE  AD 
DRESS  OP  ELIPHALET  FOX  AT  THIS  JUNCTURE. — RESULT  OF  THE  ELEC 
TION. —  REJOICINGS  OF  THE  TRUE  GRITS. — JESSE  FERRET*S  DIFFICUL 
TIES. — IS  TAKEN  TO  TASK  BY  HIS  DAME. — CANDID  AVOWAL  OF  HIS 
EMBARRASSMENTS. — THEODORE  FOG'S  EXPOSITION  OF  TRUE  GRIT 
PRINCIPLES. — HIS  GOOD  NATURED  ENCOURAGEMENT  OF  JESSE  FERRET. 
— DABBS'S  TREAT. 

THE  proceedings  at  the  Sycamore  Spring  furnished  me 
lancholy  evidence  of  the  serious  character  of  the  split  which 
had  taken  place  in  our  ranks.  This  was  a  source  of  anxious 
and  painful  reflection  to  the  New  Lights.  But  the  assiduity 
with  which  we  endeavored  to  heal  this  dissension,  only 
made  matters  worse.  The  Whole  Team,  which,  although 
not  within  the  county,  claimed  to  take  a  deep  interest  in  this 
election,  on  the  score  of  being  within  our  congressional  dis 
trict,  noticed  our  divisions  with  much  self  gratulation,  and 
made  the  best  of  them,  by  attacking  Agamemnon  Flag  as 
"  the  creature,"  (to  use  its  own  unscrupulous  language)  of 
the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam;  whilst,  at  the  same  time,  it  opened 
the  flood-gates  of  its  abuse  upon  Theodore  Fog,  as  a  man 
of  "bad  habits,  loose  manners,  and  objectionable  morals." 
The  Bickerbray  Scrutinizer  was  devoted  to  Flag  and  the 
regular  ticket,  and  therefore  defended  Agamemnon  against 
The  Whole  Team,  and  let  fly  several  arrows  against  Theo 
dore  Fog;  thus  unhappily  fomenting  the  differences  amongst 
our  friends. 


136  QUODLIBET. 

The  course  pursued  by  Eliphalet  Fox,  at  this  difficult 
juncture,  was  one  calculated  to  raise  him  in  the  esteem  of 
every  true  Quod,  and  to  place  him  on  a  pinnacle  amongst 
editors.  He  took  none  of  those  middle  grounds,  which 
scarcely  ever  fail  to  bring  a  politician  into  contempt  with 
both  parties — but,  with  a  boldness  entirely  peculiar  to  him 
self,  and  in  the  highest  degree  illustrative  of  the  New  Light 
theory,  stoutly  advocated  each  of  our  candidates,  as  the 
course  of  the  canvass  seemed  to  encourage  their  respective 
chances  of  success.  Thus,  when  Theodore  Fog  first  an 
nounced  himself  as  the  independent  candidate,  and  when 
every  one  appeared  to  regard  this  step  as  an  act  of  presump 
tion  which  could  not  but  result  in  defeat,  Eliphalet  put  forth 
the  following  paragraph: 

"Mister  Theodore  Fog,  of  this  Borough,  an  old  prac 
titioner  at  more  than  one  bar,  having  waked  up  one  morning 
with  the  idea  that  he  was  born  to  fill  the  measure  of  his 
country's  glory,  as  well  as  he  fills  that  of  his  own  every 
night,  has  conceived  the  sublime  project  of  running  on  an 
independent  ticket,  in  the  approaching  election.  We  would 
whisper  in  our  friend  The's  ear,  that  he  has  barked  up  the 
wrong  tree.  Independence  is  not  a  word  to  be  found  in 
the  New  Light  dictionary.  The  voters  of  this  county  can 
never  be  seduced  from  the  support  of  the  regular  nomina 
tion;  especially  when  it  is  headed  by  such  a  man  as  Aga 
memnon  Flag,  whose  eloquence,  accomplishments,  and  re 
markable  Democratic  simplicity  of  manners,  as  well  as  his 
perfect  surrender  of  himself  to  the  cause  of  his  party,  give 
him  the  highest  claim  to  the  consideration  of  every  right 
minded  and  unadulterated  Quod.  Verb.  sap.  sat." 

Now,  after  the  meeting  of  the  Sycamore  Spring,  a  new 
view  of  matters  broke  upon  Eliphalet's  vision.  He  was 
certainly  taken  by  surprise  at  the  demonstration  which  that 
meeting  afforded  of  Theodore's  strength  with  the  voters; 


QUODLIBET.  13? 

and  in  the  account  of  that  event,  which  appeared  in  The 
Whole  Hog  on  the  succeeding  Saturday,  one  scarcely  knows 
whether  most  to  commend  the  sincerity  of  the  writer,  or  the 
justness  of  the  tribute  paid  to  the  masterly  effort  of  Mr. 
Fog.  Speaking  of  that  effort,  the  editor  employs  this 
language: 

"  In  regard  to  our  esteemed  fellow  townsman,  Theodore 
Fog,  the  public  expectation  was  more  than  realised.  This 
unstudied  orator,  with  all  the  freshness  impressed  upon  his 
mind  by  the  mint  of  nature  herself,  contemning  the  aid  of 
tinsel  show,  and  presenting  himself  in  the  homely  habili 
ments  of  an  unvarnished,  and,  as  our  adversaries  scoffingly 
add,  of  an  unwashed  New  Light,  poured  forth  a  resistless 
flood  of  native  oratory,  remarkable  for  that  massive  vigor  of 
thought,  and  that  felicity  of  expression,  which  are  the  rare 
endowments  only  of  genius,  trained  amongst  the  people, 
and  whose  soul  is  with  the  people.  He  descanted  upon  the 
brilliant  career  of  our  never-sufficiently-to-be-flattered  ad 
ministration,  with  an  effect  that  thrilled  in  the  pulse,  glowed 
in  the  countenance,  and  broke  forth  in  the  reiterated  shouts 
of  every  warm-hearted,  straight-out,  lead-following,  un- 
against-the-wishes-or-coinmands-of-the-luminaries-of-the- 
party-rebelling  New  Light  Democrat  on  the  ground.  We 
are  happy  to  add  our  decided  conviction  that  the  election  of 
this  staunch  champion  of  the  real  New  Lights,  is  placed 
beyond  a  doubt." 

The  intrepidity  of  this  paragraph  will  strike  every  one 
who  reflects  that  the  canvass,  at  the  time  this  appeared,  was 
far  from  being  brought  to  a  close;  and  that  the  result,  what 
ever  Eliphalet  might  have  thought  of  it,  was  deemed  ex 
ceedingly  doubtful.  Indeed,  we  had  subsequently  a  proof 
given  to  us,  in  The  Whole  Hog  itself,  that  very  serious 
opinions  began  to  prevail  against  the  possibility  of  Mr. 
Fog's  carrying  the  day,  in  opposition  to  Flag. 
12* 


138  QUODLIBET. 

The  New  Light  Club,  with  some  few  and  unimportant 
exceptions,  had  determined,  as  they  thought  themselves  in 
duty  bound,  to  sustain  the  regular  ticket,  and  for  this  pur 
pose,  when  matters  were  running  very  strong  for  Fog,  and 
when  indeed,  they  began  to  entertain  a  well-grounded  fear 
that  Andy  Grant  might  slip  in  by  the  aid  of  these  divisions, 
resolved  upon  having  a  night  procession  in  the  Borough. 
This  expedient  we  have  always  resorted  to  with  the  happi 
est  effect  whenever  we  have  found  the  hopes  of  the  New 
Lights  beginning  to  ebb;  it  serves  to  animate  our  friends,  by 
throwing,  as  it  were,  a  glare  over  their  minds,  and  to  ren 
der  them  more  docile  to  the  word  of  command,  from  those 
who  take  upon  themselves  the  labor  of  judging  for  the  mul 
titude.  We  now  had  recourse  to  this  device  with  a  very 
flattering,  though  as  it  turned  out  in  the  end,  a  deceptive 
manifestation  of  its  influence  upon  the  election.  The  pro 
cession  was  made;  paper  lanterns  in  abundance,  bearing  a 
variety  of  inscriptions  of  the  most  encouraging  exhortation 
to  the  friends  of  Flag  and  the  Ticket,  were  procured  for  the 
occasion.  Every  lantern  and  every  banner  had  written 
upon  it  FLAM,  in  the  hope  thus  to  identify  the  ticket  with 
our  distinguished  representative  in  congress,  and  bring  in 
the  aid  of  his  great  name  to  our  cause.  Mottoes  having 
reference  to  "  the  Old  Hero  of  the  Hermitage,"  were  also 
profusely  used,  and  even  the  Hickory  Tree  was  reared  aloft 
in  the  procession,  covered  with  small  cup  lamps  in  imita 
tion  of  its  fruit.  Every  one  in  Quodlibet  supposed  that  this 
stroke  of  the  Procession  settled  the  matter.  It  undoubtedly 
converted  the  Borough  and  brought  it  into  the  utmost  harmo 
ny  on  our  side.  But  the  Tumbledownians,  amongst  whom 
Fog's  great  strength  was  found,  were  not  there;  and  from 
Bickerbray  the  delegation  was  not  as  large  as  it  ought  to 
have  been.  Still,  the  evidence  of  popular  support  to  the 
ticket  was  deemed  conclusive;  so  much  so,  that  Eliphalet 


QUODLIBET.  139 

Fox's  next  editorial  referred  to  it  as  «« indicative  of  the  stern 
resolve  of  the  New  Lights,  once  and  forever,  to  crush  the  in 
subordinate  and  rebellious  temper  with  which  certain  fac 
tious  and  discontented  pretenders  to  the  name  of  democrats 
had  endeavored  to  sow  discord  in  the  ranks  of  the  faithful, 
by  setting  up  the  absurd  doctrine  of  independent  opinion — 
a  doctrine  so  fatal  to  the  New  Light  democracy  wherever  it 
has  been  allowed.  Agamemnon  Flag,"  the  editor  proceed 
ed  to  remark,  "  was  not  a  man  to  be  put  down  by  the 
frothy,  ginger-pop  eloquence,  engendered  in  the  hot  atmo 
sphere  of  cock-tail  and  julep  manufactories.  Mr.  Fog  may 
now  perceive  that  his  secret  perambulations  to  spread  dis 
sension  in  the  New  Light  ranks,  and  his  hypocritical  boast 
of  Independence  will  be  scowled  upon  by  every  honest  eye 
and  spurned  by  every  honest  tongue  which  are  to  be  found 
amongst  the  high-minded  New  Light  Yeomanry  of  Quod- 
libet,  Bickerbray,  Tumbledown,  and  the  adjacent  parts." 

The  election  soon  after  this  took  place,  when,  greatly  to 
the  astonishment  of  our  club,  and  in  fact  of  the  whole 
party,  the  result  was  announced  to  be  as  set  forth  in  this 
table: — 

«*  Quods.  Whig. 

Theodore  Fog  1191  Andrew  Grant     1039" 

Abram  Schoolcraft  1084 

Curtius  Short  1063 

Agamemnon  Flag  758 

Thus  it  appeared  that  Theodore  Fog  far  outran  the  rest 
of  the  ticket,  and  that  Agamemnon  Flag  fell  considerably 
below  the  Whig  vote. 

Eliphalet  Fox,  greatly  delighted  at  the  triumph  of  this 
election,  lost  no  time  in  publishing  a  handbill  announcing 
the  issue.  It  was  headed 


140  QTJODLIBET. 

"  GLORIOUS  VICTORY  ! ! !  QUODLIBET  ERECT;" 

and  proceeded  to  descant  on  the  event  in  this  wise: — 

"  We  have  never  for  a  moment  permitted  ourselves  to 
doubt  that  our  estimable  fellow-townsman  Theodore  Fog, 
one  of  the  purest,  most  disinterested  and  ablest  democrats 
of  the  glorious  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  School,  would 
lead  the  polls;  and,  indeed,  we  took  occasion  to  insinuate  as 
much  after  his  celebrated  speech  at  the  Sycamore  Spring, 
which  it  was  our  good  fortune  to  hear,  and  which,  as  an 
exposition  of  sound  New  Light  principles,  gave  us  such 
unmixed  delight.  We  cannot  but  feel  regret  that  Mr. 
Flag's  friends  should  have  so  inconsiderately  consented  to 
place  his  name  on  the  ticket,  before  they  had  ascertained 
Mr.  Fog's  views  in  regard  to  the  election.  An  understand 
ing  upon  this  subject  would  have  saved  them  the  mortifica 
tion  of  presenting  a  name  which,  from  the  first,  we  felt  a 
presentiment  was  destined  to  incur  defeat;  and  it  would  have 
spared  Mr.  Flag  the  pain  he  must  suffer  in  the  present 
event.  The  youth  of  this  gentleman,  his  want  of  acquaint 
ance  with  the  people,  arising,  doubtless,  from  the  imperfec 
tion  of  his  vision,  and  his  unfortunate  espousal  of  the  Iron 
Railing  Compromise,  very  obviously  stood  in  the  way  of 
his  success.  A  day  will,  however,  come  around  when,  in 
our  judgment,  the  people  will  do  justice  to  his  pretension, 
which  we  undertake  to  say  is  considerable." 

From  these  extracts,  the  reader  is  already  prepared  to 
exclaim  with  me,  Oh  excellent  Eliphalet  Fox — mirror  of 
editors — pillar  of  the  New  Light  faith!  what  exquisite  ad 
dress,  what  consummate  skill  hast  thou  not  evinced  in  these 
editorial  effusions!  Methinks  I  see  Eliphalet,  a  tide  waiter 
on  events,  watching  the  ebb  and  flow  of  popular  opinion; 
ever  ready,  at  a  moment's  warning,  to  launch  his  little  boat 
of  editorship  on  the  biggest  wave,  and  upon  that  wave  to 


QUODLIBET.  141 

ride  secure  beyond  the  breakers,  out  upon  the  glassy  ocean 
of  politics,  and  then  after  taking  an  observation  of  the  wind, 
to  trim  his  sail  with  such  nautical  forecast,  as  shall  make 
him  sure  to  be  borne  along  with  the  breeze  towards  what 
ever  haven  it  shall  please  the  higher  powers  to  direct  him; 
sagaciously  counting  in  such  haven  to  find  the  richest  return 
on  his  little  stock  of  ventures.  I  see  his  meagre,  attenuated, 
diminutive  person,  elevated  on  a  footstool  six  inches  above 
the  floor,  behind  a  high  but  somewhat  rickety  desk,  in  the 
northwest  corner  of  his  lumber-filled-office,  where  scissor- 
clipped  Gazettes  are  strewed,  elbow  deep,  over  an  old  wal 
nut  table,  and  where  three  dingy  caricatures  of  Harry  Clay, 
Nic  Biddle  and  John  C.  Calhoun,  are  tacked  against  his 
smoky  wails;  there  I  see  him  quiet,  but  at  work,  with  pen 
in  hand,  ever  and  anon  darting  his  cat-like  eye  at  the  door, 
upon  each  new  comer  who  comes  to  tell  the  news  of  the 
canvass.  I  hear  his  husky,  dry  and  querulous  voice,  tisicky 
and  quick,  asking  How  goes  it  in  Bickerbray?  What  from 
Tumbledown?  and  as  he  receives  his  answer  pro  or  con, 
Fog  or  Flag,  he  turns  to  his  half-scribbled  sheet  to  remould 
his  paragraph,  with  the  dexterity  of  an  old  and  practised 
Quod,  in  such  phrase  as  shall  assuredly  earn  him  the  good 
will  of  the  winner.  Rare  Eliphalet!  Admirable  Fox! 
Incomparable  servant  of  an  incomparable  master ! 

It  is  with  a  sad  and  melancholy  sincerity  I  record  the 
fact,  that  this  election  left  behind  it  much  heart-burning 
in  Quodlibet.  The  New  Light  Democracy  were  now  broken 
into  three  parts,  the  Mandarins,  the  Middlings,  and  the  True 
Grits ;  and  Theodore  Fog,  in  command  of  the  True  Grits, 
had  evidently  got  the  upper  hand.  The  defeat  of  Agamem 
non  Flag  was  a  severe  blow  to  our  distinguished  represen 
tative,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  and  no  less  galling  to 
Nicodemus  Handy ;  for  these  three  worthy  gentlemen  were 
undoubtedly  at  the  head  of  the  Mandarins,  and  their  over- 


142  QUODLIBET. 

throw  on  the  present  occasion,'led  to  unpleasant  consequen 
ces  which  I  shall  be  called  upon  to  notice  hereafter. 

The  first  unhappy  fruit  of  this  election  was  of  a  domestic 
nature,  and  wrought  very  seriously  against  the  peace  of  our 
friend  Jesse  Ferret. 

For  three  days  and  nights  after  the  publication  of  the 
polls,  all  Quodlibet  was  alive  with  the  rejoicings  of  the  True 
Grits,  at  the  success  of  Theodore  Fog.  The  bar  room  of 
The  Hero  was  full  all  day  with  these  energetic  friends  of 
the  prosperous  candidate ;  and  it  is  worthy  of  remark,  that 
their  number  was  vastly  greater  than  was  shown  by  the 
ballot  box,  many  more  individuals  claiming  the  honor  of 
having  voted  for  him,  than  the  return  of  the  polls  would 
authorise  us  to  believe;  all  night  long  bonfires  blazed, 
drums  and  fifes  disturbed  the  repose  of  the  Borough,  and 
processions,  not  remarkable  for  their  decorum,  marched  from 
house  to  house  with  Theodore  mounted  in  a  chair,  borne 
on  the  shoulders  of  sturdy  True  Grits.  A  hundred  torches  in 
the  hands  of  thirty  men  and  seventy  boys,  flared  on  the  signs 
and  flickered  on  the  walls  of  Quodlibet,  and  fifty  negroes, 
great  and  small,  ragged  and  patched,  hatless  and  hatted,  slip 
shod  and  barefoot,  leaped,  danced,  limped  and  hobbled  in 
wide  spread  concourse  around  black  Isaac,  the  Kent  bugle 
player,  and  yellow  Josh  the  clarionet  man,  who  struck  in 
with  the  drum  and  fife  to  the  tune  of  Jim  Crow  about  the 
centre  of  the  column.  Flan  Sucker  was  installed  Grand 
Marshal  of  this  procession,  and  was  called  KING  or  THE 
TRUE  GRITS,  whilst  Ben  Inky,  Sim  Travers,  Jeff  Drinker  and 
More  McNulty,  served  along  the  flanks  as  his  lieutenants; 
the  whole  array  huzzaing  at  every  corner,  and  stopping  to 
refresh  every  time  they  came  into  the  neighborhood  of 
Peter  Ounce's,  Jesse  Ferret's  or  the  smaller  ordinaries  which 
the  rapid  growth  of  Quodlibet  had  supplied  in  various  quar 
ters  to  relieve  the  drought  of  its  inhabitants. 


QUODLIBET.  143 

This  state  of  things,  as  I  have  said,  continued  for  three 
days  after  the  election.  At  the  end  of  that  period,  Jesse 
Ferret,  somewhere  about  noon,  was  in  his  bar  casting  up 
his  accounts.  He  wore  a  serious,  disturbed  countenance — 
not  because  his  accounts  showed  a  bad  face;  for  so  far  from 
that,  the  late  jubilee  had  very  considerably  increased  his 
capital  in  trade,  but  because  his  rest  had  been  broken — and 
Jesse  never  could  bear  to  lose  his  sleep.  Whilst  he  was 
engaged  in  summing  up  these  recent  gains,  his  worthy 
spouse  entered  the  bar  and  quietly  seated  herself  in  a  chair 
behind  him.  The  expression  of  her  face  showed  that  her 
thoughts  were  occupied  with  matter  of  interesting  import: 
a  slight  frown  sat  upon  her  brow,  her  lips  were  partially 
compressed,  and  her  fat  arms  made  an  attempt  to  cross  each 
other  on  her  bosom.  The  chair  was  too  small  for  her;  and, 
from  her  peculiar  configuration,  one  looking  at  her  in  a  full 
front  view  would  not  be  likely  to  conjecture  she  was  seated, 
but  rather  that  she  was  a  short  and  dumpy  woman,  and  leant 
against  some  prop  for  rest — the  line  from  her  chin  to  her 
toe  being  that  of  the  face  of  a  pyramid.  Her  posture  de 
noted  an  assumed  patience.  So  quietly  had  she  entered  the 
enclosure  of  the  bar,  that  Jesse  was  altogether  ignorant  of 
her  presence,  and  therefore  continued  at  his  occupation.  It 
was  not  long,  however,  before  his  attention  was  awakened 
to  the  interesting  fact  that  his  wife  was  behind  him,  by  the 
salutation,  conveyed  in  a  rather  deep-toned  voice,  "  Jesse 
Ferret,  how  long  are  you  agoing  to  be  poking  over  them 
accounts?" 

Jesse  turned  short  round,  in  some  surprise  at  the  sound 
of  these  well-known  accents  so  near  him,  and,  surveying 
the  dame  for  an  instant,  replied — 

"  Bless  me !  Polly,  how  came  you  here?  You  go  about 
like  one  of  them  church-yard  vaporations  that  melts  in  thin 


144  QUODLIBET. 

air  and  frightens  children  in  the  dead  of  night.  What  did 
you  want  with  me,  lovey?" 

"I  want  to  know"  said  Mrs.  Ferret,  "who's  master  of 
this  house — you  or  me?  Ef  I'm  the  master,  say  so — but 
ef  you  're  the  master,  then  act  as  sich.  It  aint  no  longer  to 
be  endured,  this  shilly  shally,  visy  versy  politicks  of  yourn. 
Here  you  are  a  casting  up  of  the  accounts  this  blessed  day, 
and  please  Heaven,  if  there's  one  cent  got  into  the  till  in 
the  three  days  that  have  gone  by,  the  last  person  in  the 
world  to  thank  for  it  is  yourself,  Jesse  Ferret.  Theodore 
Fog 's  in — got  in  by  a  vote  that  one  might  say 's  almost 
magnanimous,  and  he 's  got  all  the  thirstiest  men  in  this 
Borough  under  his  thumb — and  he 's  been  pouring  'em  in 
here  in  shoals,  which  he  wouldn't  have  done,  one  man  of 
'em,  ef  it  hadn't  a  been  for  my  principles,  which  goes  the 
whole  hog — and  you  so  contrairy,  constantly  a  giving  out 
your  no  sides — it 's  raly  abominable !  and  time  you  should 
change,  Jesse  Ferret,  it  is." 

"Why,  my  dear,  don't  you  see  the  good  of  it?"  said 
Mr.  Ferret,  in  a  mild,  good-natured  tone  of  expostulation. 
"  The  very  best  thing  we  can  do  is  for  you  to  go  on  as  you 
are  doing,  and  me  to  go  on  as  I  am.  Here's  come  up  a 
great  split  in  the  party;  and  presently,  as  sure  as  you  are 
born,  they  '11  be  having  their  separate  houses  and  making 
party  questions  out  of  it:  then,  my  dear,  you  know  Theo 
dore  Fog  and  his  people  counts  you  as  a  sort  of  sun  dial  to 
their  side,  and  goes  almost  by  your  pinting.  And  then  the 
others,  you  know,  cant  have  nothing  to  find  fault  against 
me  upon  account  of  my  sentiments;  so,  in  this  way  we 
shall  get  the  custom  of  the  thorough-stitchers,  the  half-and- 
halfs,  the  promiscuous,  and  of  every  kind  of  stripe  that 's 
going.  Cant  you  see  into  it,  lovey?" 

"  No,  I  cannot  see  into  it,"  replied  the  landlady.  "  In  the 


QUODLIBET.  145 

first  place,  them  Mandarins,  as  The.  Fog  says,  is  not  worth 
the  looking  after  in  our  line — they  drink  nothing  but  Cham 
pagne  and  Madeery,  and  ef  they  do  sometimes  send  down  to 
our  bar  for  ourn,  they  are  sure  to  turn  up  their  noses  at  it, 
and  say  it's  sour.  Did  n't  Nicodemus  Handy  tell  me  to  my 
face  that  my  Anchor  Brand,  which  you  've  got  on  the  top 
shelf,  and  which  cost  you  six  dollars  a  basket  at  auction, 
was  nothing  but  turnip  juice? — and  did  you  ever  know 
Middleton  Flam  to  call  for  as  much  as  a  thimble-full  of 
your  liquors,  with  all  his  preachings  and  parleyings  in  this 
house?  No  you  did  not:  and  its  your  duty  to  cast  off 
your  bucket  o'  both  sides,  and  go  in  for  The.  with  the 
True  Grits,  as  he  calls  them;  and  true  enough  they  are  in 
the  drinking  line! — that,  nobody  who  knows  them  will 
deny.  I  'm  tired,  Jesse  Ferret,  and  fretted  down  to  the 
very  bone,  at  being  put  upon  in  this  here  way,  having  to 
keep  up  the  politicks  of  this  house,  which  I  dont  think  you 
haint  no  right  to  do,  I  dont.  I'm  been  a  talking  to  you 
about  this  tell  I  'm  tired,  and  I  wonder  you  can  be  so  obsti 
nate,  considering  I  take  it  so  much  to  heart." 

"  Now  Polly,  my  wife,"  interposed  our  landlord  with  an 
affectionate  remonstrance,  intended  to  soothe  Mrs.  Ferret's 
feelings,  "many 's  the  struggle  I  've  had  on  this  here  very 
topic  with  my  own  conscience;  I  may  say  I  have  wrestled 
for  it  at  the  very  bottom  of  my  nature.  But  the  case  is 
this,  and  I  '11  explain  it  to  you  once  for  all.  I  've  got  a  sen 
timent  at  the  core  of  my  heart,  which  is  a  secret  in  regard 
of  these  here  politicks.  I  wish  to  go  right — you  know  I 
do, — but  if  I  only  knowed  what  sentiments  to  take  up: — 
there's  the  mystery.  If  I  knowed  that,  I  should  feel  easy; 
but  I  never  could  keep  any  principbs,  upon  account  of  the 
changes.  Before  a  plain,  simple  man  can  cleverly  tell  where 
he  is,  every  thing  has  whisked  away  in  the  contrairy  direc 
tion.  One  year  we  are  «  all  tariff,'  and  the  next,  '  down 
13 


146  QUODLIBET. 

with  it  as  an  abomination.'  Here  we  go  '  for  canals  and 
railroads !' — a  crack  of  the  whip,  and  there  we  are  all  t'other 
side.  '  No  electioneering  of  officers !'  cries  out  the  cap 
tain  of  the  squad.  '  Turn  that  fellow  out,  he  dont  work 
for  the  party !'  cries  the  very  same  captain  in  the  very  next 
breath.  'Retrenchment  and  reform!'  says  every  big  fel 
low  there  at  Washington;  and  the  same  words  are  bawled 
all  the  way  down  amongst  us,  even  to  Theodore  Fog; — 
'  Damn  the  expense !'  (the  Lord  forgive  me  for  using  such 
words,)  says  the  very  same  fellows  in  the  same  breath, 
'  stick  on  a  million  here  and  a  million  there — the  more  the 
merrier!'  And  so  we  go.  Here,  t'other  day,  this  here  Sub- 
Treasury  was  monarchy  and  revolution  to  boot,  and  treason 
outright;  and  now,  what  it  is,  every  man's  afeard  to  say — 
some 's  for,  some 's  against — some 's  both,  and  all 's  in  a  state 
of  amalgamation,  perplexity,  and  caterwauling  unaccounta 
ble.  What  between  specy  circlars,  anti-masons,  pocketing 
of  bills  (Lord  knows  what  that  means),  vetoes,  distribution, 
fortifications,  abolition,  running  down  Indians  and  running 
up  accounts,  politics  has  got  into  a  jumble  that  a  Philadel- 
phy  lawyer  could  n't  steer  through  them.  A  poor  publican 
has  a  straining  time  of  it,  Polly.  He  cant  get  right  if  he 
tries — aud  if  he  does  blunder  upon  it,  he  cant  stay  right 
six  months,  let  him  do'  his  best — morally  impossible!' 
That 's  where  it's  a  matter  o'  conscience  with  me;  and  my 
conclusion  is,  in  such  a  mucilaginous  state  of  affairs,  a  man 
who  wants  to  accommodate  the  public  must  be  either  all 
sides  or  no  sides;  and,  therefore  I  say,  my  motto  is,  a  Pub 
lican  should — leastways  I  speak  in  regard  of  these  times — 
have  no  sides.  And  there  's  the  whole  matter  laid  out  to 
you,  Polly  my  wife." 

"  All  sides,  any  day,  before  No  sides !"  replied  Mrs.  Fer 
ret.  "  As  Susan  Barndollar  says,  stick  to  your  colors  and 
they'll  carry  you  to  sides  a  plenty,  I'll  warrant  you.  Don't 


QUODLIBET.  147 

Theodore  FOOT  tell  us  die  Democracy  's  a  trying  of  experi 
ments — and,  Lord  bless  us !  ef  they  haint  carried  you  on 
sides  enough,  then  you  are  an  unreasonable  man.  Principle 
isn't  principle — it's  following  of  your  party: — you  change 
when  it  changes,  whereby  you  are  always  right.  Now, 
these  here  True  Grits  is  two  to  one  to  the  Mandarins  and 
Middlings  both,  and  they  devour,  yes,  ten  times  as  much 
liquor.  Ef  you  had  an  eye  in  your  head,  you  M  come  out 
a  True  Grit — it's  a  naiteral  tavern-keeper's  politics." 

"  Spose,  my  dear,"  said  Jesse,  waxing  warm,  "  things 
takes  a  turn  off  hand.  Spose  these  True  Grits  are  upset — 
as  I  shouldn't  wonder  they  would  be,  as  soon  as  Middleton 
Flam  comes  home  from  congress,  and  winds  up  the  people 
right  again — as  he  has  often  done  before — am  I  going  to 
run  my  head  against  a  post  by  offending  the  whole  New 
Light  Club,  which  meets  at  our  house,  and  make  enemies 
by  having  sentiments  of  my  own?  You  don't  know  me, 
Polly  Ferret." 

«*  Well,  and  ef  things  does  take  a  turn,  ?"  replied  the  wife, 
"  is  there  any  think  new  in  that,  in  this  Borough?  Haint 
we  had  turns  before?  Theodore  Fog  will  turn  with  'em — 
that's  his  principle — that's  my  principle,  and  it  ought,  by 
rights,  to  be  your'n.  Does  n't  the  schoolmaster  tell  you  to 
stick  to  the  upper  side?  Doesn't  our  member,  Middleton 
Flam,  tell  you  the  same  thing,  and  Nicodemus  Handy,  and 
Liphlet  Fox?  There's  your  own  barkeeper,  Nim.  Porter, 
that's  asleep  in  yander  winder,  who's  got  more  sense  than 
you  have;  he  knows  what  side  his  bread's  buttered — and 
even  your  own  child,  Susan  Barndollar,  though  she  stuck 
out  for  the  nomination,  is  n't  such  a  ninny  as  to  have  no 
principles.  We  're  dimmycrats  and  always  counts  with  the 
majority;  and  that's  safe  whichever  way  it  goes;  and,  as  I 
said  before,  no  mortal  man  can  find  out  a  better  side  than 
that  for  a  tavern-keeper.  But  it's  the  Whigs  your  're  a- 


148  dUOWLIBET. 

courting,  Jesse  Ferret — the  Whigs,  neither  more  nor  less — 
and  it's  pitiful  in  you  to  be  so  sneaking." 

"  Polly,  if  you  amt  got  no  better  language  than  that  to 
use  to  me,"  exclaimed  Ferret,  under  considerable  excite 
ment,  "I'd  advise  you  to  hold  your  tongue." 

"  My  tongue 's  my  own,  Mr.  Ferret,"  replied  the  land 
lady,  and  I  do  n't  want  none  of  your  advice  what  I  'm  to  do 
with  it.  I  have  used  it  long  enough  to  know  how  to  keep 
it  a-running,  and  how  to  stop  it,  without  being  taught  by 
you." 

"  I  've  got  no  right  to  listen  to  you,  if  I  don't  choose," 
retorted  the  landlord.  "  Women  has  their  milking  and 
churning  to  look  after,  and,  to  my  thinking,  they  'd  best 
attend  to  that,  instead  of  skreiking  out  politics  in  public  bar 
rooms — that 's  my  opinion,  Mrs.  Ferret." 

"Women,  indeed! — for  you  to  talk  about  women! — 
You're  the  laughing-stock  of  all  the  petticoats  of  our 
Borough,"  said  the  wife,  in  a  high  key  of  exacerbation. 
Mrs.  Younghusband  and  Mrs.  Snuffers  and  Mrs.  Double- 
day  makes  you  a  continual  banter,  and  it  hurts  my  feelings 
as  the  mother  of  your  children,  it  does." 

"  Seize  Mrs.  Younghusband  and  Mrs.  Snuffers  and 
Mrs.  Doubleday,  all  three!"  exclaimed  Ferret  in  a  sort  of 
demi-oath. 

"  What's  that  you  said,  Mr.  Ferret?" 

"  I  said  seize  'em  !  and  I  do  n't  care  the  rinsings  of  that 
glass  if  you  tell  'em  so, — a  set  of  mandrakes." 

"  Oh,  Jesse  Ferret,  Jesse  Ferret, — as  a  man  who  sets  up 
to  be  an  example,  what  are  you  coming  to!"  exclaimed  the 
landlady  with  uplifted  hands.  "  Ef  your  children  could 
hear  such  profanity.  I  declare  to  patience,  you  'd  try  the 
quarters  of  the  meekest  mother  in  the  universe." 

How  far  this  conjugal  outflash  might  have  gone  in  its 
natural  course,  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  say;  although 


QUODLIBET.  149 

Nim.  Porter,  who  pretended  to  be  asleep  all  the  time,  and 
who  heard  every  word  of  it,  and  related  it  with  much  plea 
santry  to  me,  says  he  has  often  witnessed  these  breezes  be 
tween  this  worthy  couple,  and  always  found  that  they  made 
up  as  soon  as  Mrs.  Ferret  got  out  of  breath — which,  by-the- 
by,  she  being  short-winded,  generally  occurred  in  about 
half  an  hour  from  the  first  rising  of  her  anger;  but,  on  the 
present  occasion,  it  was  happily  interrupted  by  the  entrance 
of  Theodore  Fog,  Dabbs,  the  foreman  in  Eliphalet  Fox's 
printing  office,  Flan  Sucker,  More  M'Nulty  and  Sim 
Travers,  who  all  marched  directly  up  to  the  bar.  I  had  en 
tered  upon  the  heels  of  this  party,  and  having  taken  up 
"  The  Whole  Hog"  for  my  perusal,  in  one  corner  of  the 
room,  was  myself  a  witness  to  the  scene  that  followed. 

Nim  Porter,  who  was  seated  in  an  elbow-chair,  resting  the 
back  of  his  head  against  a  window-sill  at  the  opposite  end 
of  the  bar-room  and  counterfeiting  sleep,  was  now  roused 
up  to  attend  to  the  customers. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Ferret — paragon  of  landladies,"  said  Fog, 
"Pillar — yes,  bolster  of  our  cause — some  drink!  Dabbs 
owes  a  treat,  and  we  have  resolved  that  the  libation  shall  be 
made  under  the  eye  of  our  own  queen.  Dabbs,  say  what 
the  mixture  shall  be ;  I  'm  not  particular — my  throat  is  a 
turnpike  travelled  by  all  imaginable  potations.  A  mint  ju 
lep,  Dabbs?  gentlemen!  Flan,  a  julep?  Yes?  A  julep,  a 
julep  all  round.  Agreed  to,  nem.  con.  Mrs.  Ferret,  five 
juleps;  charge  Dabbs — Dabbs's  treat." 

Mrs.  Ferret's  anger  against  her  spouse  gradually  faded 
under  this  accost;  a  slight  glimpse  of  sunshine  began  to 
break  over  her  visage  as  she  addressed  herself  to  the  task 
of  preparing  the  required  compounds,  and  Nim  Porter 
busied  himself  in  picking  sprigs  of  mint  from  a  large  bou 
quet  of  that  invaluable  plant,  which  flourished  in  native 
13* 


150  QUODLIBET. 

verdure  over  the  rim  of  a  two  quart  tumbler,  in  which  it 
seemed  to  grow  as  in  a  flower-pot. 

Ferret  had  retreated  from  the  bar  towards  the  door 
which  looked  upon  the  street;  and  Theodore  Fog,  who,  as 
the  truth  must  be  spoken,  was  at  this  hour  very  considerably 
advanced  towards  his  customary  zenith  of  excitement,  thrust 
his  hands  under  the  skirts  of  his  striped  gingham  coatee, 
and  strutted  with  the  air  of  a  prime  minister  in  a  farce, 
around  the  room. 

"  Nim,"  said  he, 

'  Bid  thy  mistress,  when  ray  drink  is  ready, 
She  strike  upon  the  bell.' 

Ferret — glorious  turn  out,  Ferret.  True  Grits  all  alive. 
Pound  that  ice  fine,  Nim — no  water,  recollect!  First  rate 
fellows,  Ferret — go  the  whole — real  Quods — diamonds." 

"  Hope  you  '11  mend  matters  now,  Mr.  Fog,  since  you  've 
got  in,"  said  Ferret.  "  I  'm  for  giving  every  one  a  chance; 
wish  you  success." 

"  Of  course  you  do,  Ferret,"  replied  Fog;  "  and  so  you 
would  have  wished  Ag.  Flag  success  if  he  'd  got  in." 

"  Or  Andy  Grant  either,"  said  Mrs.  Ferret;  "  my  hus 
band 's  not  partikler." 

"  You  're  right,  Ferret — you  're  right!"  interrupted  Fog, 
"  always  go  with  the  current — that 's  sound  philosophy — 
that's  my  rule.  Dabbs,  isn't  that  metaphysics?  Flan, 
do  n't  you  call  that  the  true  theory  of  the  balance  of  power? 
Gentlemen.  I  submit  it  to  you  all." 

"Real  True  Grit  doctrine,"  said  Flam;  "find  out  how 
the  cat  jumps — then  go  ahead." 

"Fundamental,  that,"  said  Dabbs;  "principles  change, 
measures  vary,  names  rise  and  fall,  but  majority  is  always 
majority." 

"Bravo,  Dabbs!"  ejaculated  Theodore  Fog;  "  Tempora 


QUODLIBET.  151 

mutantur  et  nos  mutamur  cum  illis — that's  our  True  Grit 
motto.  The  nominative  case  always  agrees  with  the  verb; 
the  people  are  the  verb,  we're  the  nominative  case. — That's 
logic,  Mrs.  Ferret.  Nim,  how  have  you  made  out  in  these 
illustrious  *  three  days?'  ' 

"Cursed  sleepy,"  answered  Nim  Porter,  who  was  now 
brewing  the  drink  by  pouring  it  from  one  tumbler  to  an 
other;  "hav'n't  had  three  hours  rest  in  the  whole  three 
nights.  No  right  to  complain  though — won  four  bets — had 
two  to  one  against  Andy  Grant  with  Tompkinson — and 
even  against  Ag  with  three  of  the  New  Light  Club.  I 
knew  d— d  well  how  it  was  going,  ever  since  the  meeting 
at  the  Sycamore  Spring.  Fog,  you  touched  them  fellows 
that  work  on  the  Bickerbray  and  Meltpenny  road,  'twixt 
wind  and  water." 

"Did  n't  I?"  exclaimed  Fog;  "I  opine  I  did;  unequivo 
cally,  I  fancy  I  did.  I  venture  to  add,  with  all  possible 
energy  of  asservation,  that  I  did  that  thing,  Nim.  That's 
what  I  call  walking  into  the  understanding  of  the  indepen 
dent,  electoral  constituent  body — and  the  best  of  it  is,  we 
got  them  their  votes,  you  dog." 

"  You  did  n't  lose  no  votes  that  I  could  bring  you,"  said 
Mrs.  Ferret,  "  although  you  did  n't  get  Jesse's.  But  that 
wa'n't  much  loss — for  Jesse's  of  little  account  any  how, 
and  has  n't  the  influence  of  a  chicken  in  this  Borough — as 
no  man  has  n't,  whose  afeared  of  his  shadow." 

"  Well,  we  don't  want  to  hear  no  more  about  that,"  in 
terrupted  the  landlord.  "  Mr.  Fog  knows  it  was  n't  ill  will 
to  him — but  only  my  principle,  that  publicans  had  best  not 
take  sides." 

"And  who  has  a  right  to  object  to  that?"  exclaimed  Fog. 
"  Give  us  your  hand,  Jesse — I'd  do  the  same  thing  myself, 

I  were  in  your  place." 


152  QUODLIBET. 

"  Well,  if  you  aint  the  forgivingest  creature,  Mr.  Fog!" 
said  the  landlady 

"  Mrs.  Ferret,  your  health! — gentlemen,  take  your  respec 
tive  glasses — Dabbs,  your  health — Jesse — Flam — all  of  you 
— success  to  the  True  Grits!  Top  off,  boys." 

They  all  drank. 

Fog  applied  the  tumbler  to  his  lips ;  looked  straightfor 
ward  with  what  might  be  called  a  fixed  stare  upon  vacancy, 
his  eyes  expressing  the  deep  emotion  of  sensual  pleasure 
which  the  icy  compound  inspired  as  it  slowly  flowed  over 
his  palate,  and  for  a  full  minute  employed  himself  with 
out  pause,  in  draining  the  contents  of  his  glass — gradually 
and  slowly  arching  back  his  head  until  the  last  drop  trickled 
from  the  bottom. 

"Amazing  seductive  beverage,  Mrs.  Ferret!"  he  said  as 
he  smacked  his  lips,  and  set  the  tumbler  down  upon  the 
board.  "  Fascinating  potation!  If  I  were  not  an  example 
of  consummate  prudence,  and  the  most  circumspect  being, 
not  yet  gathered  within  the  pale  of  the  Temperance  Society, 
my  virtue  would  have  fallen  a  victim  before  this  to  that 
enticing  cordial,  Mrs.  Ferret.  But  I'm  proof — I  have  been 
sorely  tried,  and  have  come  out  of  the  furnace,  as  you  see 
me,  superior  to  the  temptations  of  this  wicked  world. 
Dabbs,  poney  up — we  must  go  to  the  raffle,  which  begins 
in  five  minutes  at  Rhody  M' Caw's  stable — that  pacing  roan, 
Nim — you'll  be  there,  of  course: — in  your  line.  Come, 
gentlemen — don't  wipe  your  mouths  with  your  sleeves — let 
the  odor  exhale.  As  some  poet  somewhere  says,  speaking 
of  a  mint  julep, 

Sweet  vale  of  Ovoca,  how  calm  could  I  rest, 
If  there's  a  drink  upon  earth 
It  is  this — it  is  this. 

Not  the  words  exactly — but  something  in  that  run.     Jesse, 


QUODLIBET.  153 

the  Flower  of  Quodlibet — Mrs.  Ferret,  Queen  of  the  Spear 
Mint — good  bye.  Nim,  you  rascal — after  the  raffle  is  over, 
expect  to  see  me  as  dry  as  an  oven." 

When  Fog  had  delivered  himself  of  this  rhapsody — 
which,  no  doubt,  has  impressed  the  reader  with  the  convic 
tion  that  this  noontide  glass  had  done  its  work  upon  the 
brain  of  our  new  representative  in  the  Legislature — the 
whole  party  made  their  exit;  and  Jesse  Ferret,  anxious  to 
avoid  another  conference  with  his  dame,  professing  a  wish 
to  witness  the  raffle,  followed  in  their  footsteps. 


154  QUODLIBET 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THIRD  ERA. — DIVISIONS  IN  O.UODLIBET  CONTINUE. — FOMENTED  BY  THE 
WOMEN. —  FOG  RATHER  DISAPPOINTS  HIS  FRIENDS  BY  HIS  COURSE  IN 
THE  LEGISLATURE.—  PROSTRATION  OF  BUSINESS  IN  THE  BOROUGH. — 
TRACED  TO  THE  MERCHANTS. — MR.  FLAM's  OPINION  OF  THEM,  AND 
THE  CONSEQUENCE  THEREOF. — INDIGNATION  OF  THE  NEW  LIGHTS 
AGAINST  THEM. — FOG'S  EULOGIUM  UPON  THEM. — MOVEMENTS  OF  THE 
TRUE  GRITS. — FOx's  SKILFUL  MANAGEMENT. — THE  TIGERTAIL  AFFAIR. 
— MYSTERIOUS  TERMINATION  OF  IT. — NIM  PORTER'S  INDISCRETION. 

THE  design  of  this  little  book  forbids  that  I  should  do 
more  than  cursorily  touch  upon  many  incidents  in  the  his 
tory  of  Quodlibet,  which,  although  abundant  of  interest  to 
the  curious  reader,  are  not  so  immediately  connected  with 
the  main  purpose  of  this  work — that  purpose  being  to  unfold 
the  operation  of  the  great  principle  of  the  New  Light  Quod- 
libetarian  theory. 

Whenever  the  time  shall  arrive,  as  I  would  fain  persuade 
myself  it  must,  in  which  the  public  shall  feel  such  concern 
in  the  affairs  of  Quodlibet  as  to  demand  of  me  a  full  dis 
closure  of  the  treasures  of  my  MSS.,  I  shall  greatly  delight 
in  spreading  before  it  many  particulars  which  I  have  col 
lected,  having  reference  to  the  private  concernments  and 
domestic  transactions  of  our  people  and  their  sundry  ways 
in  regard  to  many  matters  which  do  not  fall  within  the  scope 
of  my  present  undertaking.  For,  truly,  the  history  of  Quod 
libet  will  be  found,  when  impartially  narrated,  to  yield  a 
plentiful  fruitage  of  ethical,  moral  and  social  instruction,  as 


QUODLIBET.  155 

well  as  political — to  which  latter  aspect  are  my  labors  at 
this  time  confined. 

In  conformity  with  my  plan,  and  being  desirous  to  hasten 
forward  to  a  more  modern  epoch  in  these  annals,  I  pass  over 
the  intervening  space,  and  bring  my  reader  almost  a  year  in 
advance  of  the  events  narrated  in  the  last  chapter. 

It  was  now  approaching  the  Fifth  year  of  the  Removal: — 
the  long  session  of  Congress  had  closed  in  July,  1838.  The 
Hon.  Middleton  Flam  had  once  more  returned  to  his  con 
stituents,  and  temporarily  mingled  in  the  walks  of  private 
life.  Greatly  was  his  return  desiderated  at  this  epoch.  We 
had  got  all  wrong — we  lacked  information — we  wanted  this 
great  man's  advice. 

The  split  at  this  time — if  I  may  use  a  metaphor — was 
green  and  wide — or,  in  plainer  language,  our  dissensions  ran 
high.  If  the  men  might  be  said  to  be  at  sixes  and  sevens, 
the  women  were  twice  as  bad — they  were  at  twelves  and 
fourteens.  Mrs.  Ferret  had  become  inveterate  and  headed 
a  party  of  Feminine  True  Grits ;  Susan  Barndollar,  who 
had  a  temper  of  her  own,  of  course  became  inveterate  too, 
and,  as  Barndollar  &  Hardbottle  were  accounted  a  rich  firm, 
she  headed,  or  strove  to  do  so,  a  party  of  Feminine  Man 
darins.  Hester  Hardbottle,  under  a  similar  impulse,  took 
command  of  the  Female  Middlings.  Thus  marshalled,  the 
New  Light  women  manifested  a  very  high  degree  of  political 
coruscation  and  kept  the  Borough  in  perpetual  hot  water. 
Every  tea  party  was  a  scalding  concern,  and  it  was  lament 
able  to  see  what  a  foothold  the  serpent  of  discord  had  gained 
in  our  little  Eden  of  Quodlibet. 

The  men  were  not  so  ferocious;  in  part  because  they,  had 
their  business  to  look  after;  but  chiefly,  because  the  stronger, 
when  they  failed  in  argument,  could  drub  the  weaker — and 
that  drubbing  system  is  a  great  moderator  of  political  opi 
nions.  The  women  having  neither  of  these  motives  to  keep 


156  QUODLIBET. 

quiet  took  the  bits  in  their  mouths  and  ran  off  as  fast  as, 
and  whenever,  they  chose. 

Theodore  Fog's  conduct  in  the  Legislature,  during  the 
past  winter,  had  in  some  degree  rather  weakened  the  cause 
of  his  friends.  He  had  disappointed  them — although  they 
were  unwilling  publicly  to  allow  as  much — on  two  points: 
First,  because  he  had  not  got  them  all  provided  with  offices, 
as  he  had,  it  appeared,  secretly  promised;  but,  on  the  con 
trary,  came  home  without  having  accomplished  that  desira 
ble  object  for  a  single  individual  of  the  party:  and,  Secondly, 
because  he  had  been  exceedingly  irregular  in  his  habits 
during  the  whole  session,  and  had  consequently  made  but 
four  speeches,  of  three  hours  each,  during  the  winter,  when 
it  was  confidently  expected  that  he  would  have  made  at 
least  thirty-four,  and  have  completely  silenced  the  opposition. 
The  irregularity  of  his  habits  they  could  forgive; — but  the 
matter  of  the  offices  sunk  deep  in  their  hearts — they  began 
to  suspect  his  democracy. 

A  change  had  also  taken  place  in  the  business  affairs  of 
Quodlibet.  All  improvements  had  ceased: — many  persons 
were  out  of  employment;  industry  was  declining;  trade 
was  at  a  low  ebb;  the  mechanics  were  grumbling,  and  four 
mercantile  houses  had  failed.  Immediately  after  the  sus 
pension  Nicodemus  Handy  had  issued  a  great  amount  of 
small  notes.  Dr.  Thomas  G.  Winkelman,  actuated  by 
patriotic  emotions,  also  issued  a  batch  payable  in  soda  water, 
soap  or  physic.  Zachary  Younghusband,  the  tinplate  worker 
and  postmaster,  reflecting  on  the  crisis,  and  being  deter 
mined  to  contribute  his  mite  towards  the  regulation  of  the 
currency,  followed  the  example  of  Dr.  Winkelman,  and 
put  out  a  ream,  redeemable  in  Copperplate  Bank  notes  when 
presented  to  the  amount  of  five  dollars  at  his  tinplate  shop. 
Sim  Travers,  who  had  a  drinking  shed  at  the  lower  end  of 
the  canal  basin,  with  equal  public  spirit,  uttered  his  paper 


QUODLIBET.  157 

in  nps,  " Good  for  a  Drink."  Many  others  imitated  these 
precedents,  whereby  it  fell  out  that  no  part  of  the  Union 
was  better  supplied  with  a  currency  than  Quodlibet. 

Still  the  Borough  languished  and  pined  under  a  gradual 
decay  of  its  prosperity;  and  it  vvus  long  before  our  wise  men 
could  ascertain  the  real  source  of  this  decline.  The  cause  was 
at  last  discovered.  We  are  indebted  for  its  development  to 
the  astuteness  of  our  distinguished  representative.  There 
were  eight  of  the  principal  mercantile  houses  of  the  Bo 
rough  which  had  been  established  by  Whigs :  in  fact,  throw 
ing  out  Barndollar  &  Hardbottle,  all  the  merchants  of  Quod 
libet  might  be  said  to  be  opposed  to  the  administration.  It 
was  very  apparent,  after  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  drew  the 
attention  of  the  Club  to  this  fact,  that  these  houses  had 
combined  to  produce  an  utter  prostration  of  business,  solely 
for  political  effect,  and  that  the  malevolence  of  fou*  of  the 
most  thriving  amongst  them  had  gone  so  far  as  even  to  render 
themselves  bankrupt,  and  to  break  up,  for  no  earthly  purpose 
but  that  of  making  the  administration  unpopular.  "This  is 
a  specimen  of  the  gratitude,"  said  Mr.  Flam,  speaking  with 
great  emotion  upon  the  subject,  "this  is  the  gratitude  of 
these  commercial  vultures  (he  always  called  them  commer 
cial  vultures  after  the  Suspension,  and  when  speaking  to  the 
people)  for  all  the  manifold  favors  and  bounties  which,  for 
five  years  past,  the  government  has  been  so  assiduously 
heaping  upon  their  heads.  This  is  their  acknowledgment 
of  the  extraordinary  kindness  shown  them  by  th*e  Secretary 
of  the  Treasury  when  he  directed  our  Bank  to  lend  these 
vipers  the  public  money!  Biddle  and  the  Barings  are  at  the 
bottom  of  this  conspiracy;  and  the  merchants  of  the  United 
States,  yes,  and  the  manufacturers  and  all  the  moneyed 
men  would  gladly  beggar  themselves  and  their  families, 
rather  than  allow  us  to  regulate  their  currency  and  make 
14 


158  QUODLIBET. 

them  the  happiest  people  on  earth.      What  unparalleled 
perfidy!" 

After  this,  the  New  Lights  of  course  became  indignant 
against  the  merchants,  and  held  them  up,  as  they  deserved, 
to  public  execration,  as  the  authors  of  all  our  misfortunes. 
From  Quodlibet,  this  sentiment  became  general  amongst 
the  New  Light  democrats  every  where.  Mr.  Van  Buren 
caught  the  idea ;  the  Globe  expatiated  upon  it ;  the  Stump 
rang  with  it;  and  it  soon  took  its  place  as  one  of  the  cardi 
nal  maxims  in  the  New  Light  creed.  Such  is  the  supremacy 
of  one  commanding  intellect ! 

Never  was  there  a  topic  equal  to  this  in  the  elections. 
"  The  merchants,"  Theodore  Fog  very  pertinently  remark 
ed,  "  are  a  first  rate  subject  for  a  stump  speech:  they  are  a 
monstrous  little  knot  of  fellows,  any  how-r-and,  compara 
tively  speaking,  of  no  sort  of  account,  in  the  way  of  voting. 
Having  the  handling  of  a  good  deal  of  cash,  and  plenty  to 
do  in  the  way  of  giving  and  taking  of  promissory  notes,  you 
can  slap  upon  them  the  argument  of  The  Money  Power, 
with  tremendous  effect :  you  can  tickle  them  with  the  whip 
of  aristocracy  in  perfection;  arid  you  can  run  'em  down  with 
the  text  of  the  money  changers  in  the  Temple,  and  all  that 
sort  of  thing,  to  a  nicety.  Besides,  there  are  so  few  of  them 
that  either  can  make  a  speech  before  the  people,  or,  if  they 
can,  will  take  the  trouble  to  follow  a  man  about  for  that 
purpose,  that  you  are  not  likely  to  be  pestered  with  their 
replies.  Capital  animals  for  an  opposition,  they  take  a 
lathering  so  quiet.  Then,  sir,  for  every  one  merchant  you 
lay  upon  his  back,  you  gain  Jive  True  Grits  to  your  side. 
I've  studied  that  out.  Our  people,  I  mean  the  New  Lights, 
can  be  made  to  hate  a  merchant  like  snakes — because  if  he 
does  get  on  well  with  his  business,  and  makes  a  little  for 
tune,  we  can  call  him  a  Rag  Baron,  a  Ruffle  Shirt,  a  Scrub 
Aristocrat, — and  that's  equal  to  sending  him  to  the  deserts  of 


QUODLIBET.  159 

Arabia:  and  if  he  fails,  as  the  greater  part  of  the  poor  devils 
do,  we  can  get  up  a  still  worse  cry  against  him,  for  turning 
the  humble  and  honest  laborer  out  of  employment,  grinding 
the  faces  of  the  poor,  depriving  the  widow  and  the  orphan  of 
their  bread,  and  coining  the  sweat  of  the  Bone  and  Sinew's 
brow  to  feed  Usurers,  Brokers  and  Shavers.  And  by  the 
by,  these  arguments  are  quite  good  against  manufacturers 
and  whig  master-mechanics.  But  a  merchant,  eir,  can't 
hold  up  his  head  one  moment  before  them.  Every  which 
way,  sir,  he's  a  prime  scape-goat.  Then,  sir,  when  we 
want  to  make  an  EXPERIMENT, — why,  of  course,  we  go  to 
the  merchants.  Here's  all  this  currency  business,  especially 
the  tail  of  it,  the  Sub  Treasury — fine  thing  to  stir  up  the 
people  with — sounds  well  in  theory,  though  a  little  mis 
chievous  in  practice.  Well,  sir,  we  test  it  on  the  merchants : 
we  get  the  popularity,  they  get  the  damage.  The  approved 
philosophical  mode  to  try  a  dangerous  experiment,  is  to 
attempt  it  on  a  cat: — sir,  TJie  Merchants  are  our  cats.11 

Mr.  Flam,  seeing  the  state  of  our  divisions,  took  a  great 
deal  of  trouble  to  restore  harmony  into  our  ranks,  and  cer 
tainly  did  much  to  overawe  the  True  Grits,  who,  now  fancy 
ing  themselves  in  the  ascendant,  became  very  dictatorial. 
Eliphalet  Fox,  although  he  took  every  occasion  to  speak  in 
his  paper  greatly  in  commendation  of  Mr.  Flam,  was,  never 
theless,  an  active  upholder  of  The  True  Grit  division.  "  Our 
worthy  representative,"  he  said,  "  was  happily  stationed 
above  the  influence  of  these  little  family  quarrels;  and  it 
was  undoubtedly  a  subject  of  congratulation  with  that  dis 
tinguished  gentleman,  that  every  section  of  the  great  demo 
cratic  household  of  Quodlibet  could  cordially  unite  in  testi 
monials  of  their  confidence  in  his  talents,  his  patriotism  and 
his  fidelity  to  the  interests  of  his  constituents." 

This  paragraph  was  considered  a  master-stroke  of  New 
Light  democracy  in  Eliphalet,  because  its  tendency  was  to 


160  QUODLIBET. 

keep  him  and  his  paper  on  good  terms  with  all  parties  sup 
porting  the  administration,  while  it  left  him  free  to  pursue 
the  paramount  objects  which  the  True  Grits  steadily  kept  in 
view. 

These  objects  were  the  attainment  of  all  the  lucrative 
offices  in  our  district, — a  striking  exemplification  of  which 
now  occurred  in  the  celebrated  Tigertail  affair.  That  affair 
my  duty  as  a  chronicler  requires  me  to  notice. 

A  secret  meeting  of  the  True  Grits  had  been  lately  held 
in  the  Borough.  The  subject  in  discussion  was  a  weighty 
one.  It  was  reported  to  this  conclave,  that  Ferox  Tigertail, 
the  marshal  of  this  district,  who  resided  and  kept  his  office 
in  Bickerbray,  had  in  his  employment  two  individuals  of 
suspicious  principles.  The  first  was  Washington  Cutbush, 
a  clerk,  who  had  been  overheard  to  say,  at  the  Sycamore 
Spring,  in  a  confidential  conversation  with  his  brother-in- 
law,  Lemuel  Garret,  that  he  began  to  think  Tom  Benton's 
gold  currency  a  HUMBUG  !  The  second  was  Corney  Dust, 
the  porter  and  firemaker  of  the  office,  who,  there  was  reason 
to  believe,  had  voted  at  the  last  election  for  Agamemnon 
Flag.  Upon  these  facts  being  vouched  to  the  meeting  by 
Magnus  Morehead,  the  True  Grit  shoemaker  in  the  borough, 
and  Sandy  Buttercrop,  the  express  rider,  message  carrier, 
baggage  porter,  and  follower  of  sundry  other  visible  means 
of  livelihood,  it  was  resolved  that  a  committee  of  three,  to 
consist  of  Eliphalet  Fox,  Dr.  Winkelman,  and  Nim  Porter, 
should  wait  upon  Mr.  Tigertail,  communicate  to  him  the  full 
extent  of  the  charge,  and  require  him,  in  the  name  of  The 
Exclusive,  New  Light,  True  Grit  Democrats  of  Quodlibet, 
forthwith  to  dismiss  Washington  Cutbush  from  his  office,  and 
substitute  Magnus  Morehead  in  his  place ;  and  also  to  super 
sede  Corney  Dust  by  the  appointment  of  Sandy  Buttercrop. 

The  committee  in  pursuance  of  these  instructions,  visited 
the  marshal,  and  explained  the  object  of  their  mission  in 


QUODLIBET.  161 

respectful  but  firm  language.  Tigertail,  being  a  choleric 
man  and  an  old  Federalist  to  boot, — who  had  been  con 
verted  to  the  New  Light  faith  about  eight  years  ago,  at  the 
date  of  the  renewal  of  his  commission, — heard  the  commit 
tee  with  exemplary  composure ;  and  then  setting  his  eyes, 
with  a  fixed  glare,  upon  Eliphalet  Fox,  he  waited  about  ten 
seconds — at  the  end  of  which  brief  period  of  deliberation, 
he  kicked  the  said  Eliphalet  clean  out  of  his  office: — and  this 
being  done  to  his  entire  satisfaction,  he  rather  testily  invited 
Dr.  Winkelman  and  Nim  Porter  to  follow  their  chairman. 
It  is  due  to  these  two  gentlemen  to  say,  that  like  good  com 
mittee  men,  they  did  so, — even  anticipating  the  Marshal's 
invitation  to  the  adoption  of  that  course  of  conduct. 

This  incident  being  faithfully  reported  by  the  committee 
to  the  meeting  of  True  Grits,  convened  for  the  express  pur 
pose  of  learning  the  result,  it  was  unanimously  resolved, — 
First,  that  Tigertail's  demeanor  was  mysterious,  equivocal 
and  unexpected  :  Secondly,  that  it  was  unpolite  to  Eliphalet 
Fox:  and  Thirdly,  that  it  was  against  the  principles  and 
usages  known  to  the  New  Light  Democracy.  Another 
resolution  was  adopted  to  lay  the  whole  matter  before  the 
President  of  the  United  States,  and  to  instruct  him,  as  the 
Representative  of  the  People,  to  dismiss  Marshal  Tigertail, 
without  delay,  from  his  post;  and  confer  it  upon  the  injured 
Eliphalet  Fox,  whose  kicking  entitled  him  to  the  deepest 
sympathy  of  the  party,  and  gave  him,  according  to  a  well- 
established  maxim  of  the  New  Lights,  a  right  to  immediate 
preferment. 

These  resolutions  imparted  great  satisfaction  to  the  meet 
ing,  and  no  doubt  was  entertained  that  the  President  would 
act  upon  the  subject  with  that  promptitude  which  distin 
guishes  his  character.  Marshal  Tigertail  was  looked  upon 
as  a  doomed  man,  and  no  better  than  a  whig ;  and  indeed 
he  was  already  considered  as  having  joined  that  party.  Dr. 
14* 


162  QUODLIBET. 

Thomas  G.  Winkleman,  Nim  Porter  and  Dabbs  the  com 
positor,  were  entrusted  with  this  embassy  of  instruction  to 
the  President; — Eliphalet  Fox  being  left  out  of  the  deputa 
tion  from  obvious  considerations  of  delicacy — a  sentiment 
which  it  must  be  allowed  has  ever  characterised  the  proceed 
ings  of  the  True  Grits  on  all  occasions,  and  which  many  of 
the  most  observant  and  sagacious  of  that  sect  have  asserted 
has  been  the  principal  cause  of  the  failure  of  their  schemes. 
The  new  deputation  lost  no  time  in  setting  forth  upon 
the  execution  of  their  duty.  They  were  attended  to  the 
stage  coach  by  a  large  number  of  True  Grits,  who,  to  use 
the  language  of  Theodore  Fog,  "signalised  their  depar 
ture  with  indignant  pomp."  Great  expectations  were  in 
dulged  on  this  appeal,  or  rather  this  mandate  to  the  Presi 
dent.  Day  after  day  passed  by  without  bringing  news 
from  the  mission: — the  Globe  was  taken  from  each  mail 
with  increased  avidity,  in  the  hope  of  seeing  some  official 
announcement  of  the  removal  of  Tigertail.  A  provoking 
silence  on  that  point  reigned  throughout  its  columns.  Ten 
days  rolled  on  without  a  letter  from  the  Committee: — a 
fortnight  wore  away,  and  yet  none  had  returned.  A  travel 
ler  at  last  reported  that  he  had  seen  Nim  Porter  at  the 
White  Sulphur  Springs.  It  was  ascertained  that  Dr.  Win- 
kelman  was  in  the  city  of  New  York  purchasing  drugs  for 
his  shop;  and  upon  investigation  it  was  discovered  that 
Dabbs  had  been  at  his  work  in  the  printing  office,  unknown 
to  the  Borough,  for  more  than  a  week.  By  a  singular  coin 
cidence  of  feeling  amongst  the  True  Grits,  all  curiosity  as 
to  the  fate  of  the  mission,  suddenly  subsided.  The  subject 
was  treated  with  indifference;  and  in  the  course  of  a  few 
days,  after  both  Dr.  Winkelman  and  Nim  Porter  had  re 
turned  home,  when  the  Throughblue  Whole  Team  put 
forth  a  paragraph  inquiring  after  the  Tigertail  Embassy; 
the  Whole  Hog  came  out  with  a  petulant  and  snappish 


QUODLIBET.  Ibd 

reply,  affirming  that  the  report  of  such  a  mission  was  a 
mere  Whig  lie  coined  with  a  view  to  political  effect,  and 
uttered  in  the  Whole  Team  simply  because  "  that  menda 
cious  and  filthy  sheet  delighted  to  revel  in  falsehood,  and  had 
never  been  known  to  stumble  upon  the  truth,  even  by  acci 
dent."  Dr.  Winkelman  studiously  avoided  all  reference  to 
his  absence  from  the  Borough,  and  Nim  Porter  was  equally 
cautious  for  about  a  month — at  the  expiration  of  which 
period  Neal  Hopper  happened  to  say,  in  his  presence,  he 
had  good  reason  to  know  that  Marshall  Tigertail  was  no 
favorite  with  the  President,  and  would  be  removed  from 
office  before  the  end  of  the  next  congress; — whereupon  Nim, 
very  unguardedly  and  under  a  sudden,  uncontrollable  im 
pulse,  planted  himself  before  the  miller  and  said, 

"  I'll  be  d — d  if  I  don't  bet  you  one  hundred  dollars  to 
ten  upon  that." 

««  Well,  I  s'pose  you  know?"  said  Neal,  struck  by  Nim's 
peremptory  manner. 

«•  Conclusively  and  distinctly,"  replied  Nim  with  some 
heat. — "If  you  think  Liphalet  Fox  is  going  to  be  the 
marshal  you're  most  d — mnably  mistaken: — I  know  Martin 
Van  Buren,"  he  added  with  some  display  of  self-importance, 
"considerably — and  I  can  tell  you  that  he  goes  the  whole 
figure  against  rotation  in  this  individual  and  identical  case. 
He's  a  Mandarin  from  snout  to  tail — trained  up  from  the 
gum,  and  would'nt  touch  a  True  Grit  with  a  forty  foot  pole. 
Martin  has  defined  his  position  emphatically.  There  can't 
be  a  possibility  of  mistake-  upon  the  subject." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  heard  him  say  so?"  in 
quired  William  Goodlack,  the  tailor,  a  strenuous  member 
of  the  True  Grits,  looking  angrily  at  Nim. 

"That's  neither  here  nor  there,"  replied  Nim.  "But 
I'll  stand  to  the  bet  of  one  hundred  dollars  to  ten,  that  Ti- 
gertail's  not  turned  out  of  office  this  year: — you  are  wel- 


164  QUODL1BET. 

come  to  take  it  yourself,  Billy  Goodlack,  if  you're  a  mind 
for  a  bet." 

"Whoever  said  Tigertail  ought  to  be  turned  out,"  asked 
Goodlack  peevishly,  "  'cepting  Neal  Hopper  who  picked 
up  such  a  story  out  of  the  nine  thousand  lies  of  the  Whole 
Team?" 

From  this  little  brush  with  Nim  Porter,  and  from  the 
looks  that  passed  betwreen  the  parties  engaged  in  it,  there 
was  room  for  the  inference  that  the  President  did'nt  give 
much  encouragement  to  the  committee  who  went  to  him 
with  instructions  to  turn  out  the  marshal:  and  this  is  nearly 
every  thing  that  has  ever  transpired  in  Quodlibet  upon  that 
subject.  It  is  very  certain  that,  for  some  time  after  this  date, 
the  True  Grits  were  not  so  bold  as  a  party  as  they  had  been 
before.  Eliphalet  Fox  was  undoubtedly  much  chop-fallen 
during  all  the  following  winter. 


QUODLIBET.  165 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

A  POLITICAL  DISCUSSION  AT  ABEL  BRAWN'S  SHOP. — ABEL's  VIEWS  OF  THE 
SUB  TREASURY. — IMPORTANT  COMMUNICATION  MADE  BY  THEODORE 
FOG. — THE  NEW  LIGHTS  TAKE  GROUND  AGAINST  THE  BANKS. — THE 
HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM  RESIGNS  THE  PRESIDENCY  OF  THE  COPPER 
PLATE  BANK. — SNUFFERS  ASPIRES  TO  THE  SUCCESSION. 

TOWARDS  the  latter  end  of  August,  in  the  year  referred  to 
in  the  last  chapter,  about  five  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  a 
much  larger  collection  than  usual  of  work  horses  were  seen 
around  Abel  Brawn's  shop,  waiting  to  be  shod.  The  shop 
stands  a  few  rods  below  Christy  M' Curdy 's  mill,  and  im 
mediately  upon  the  bank  of  the  Rumblebottom.  The  mill 
is  just  outside  of  the  compactly-built  portion  of  the  Borough; 
and  from  the  door,  Neal  Hopper,  the  miller,  could  see 
along  the  road,  on  his  left  hand  into  the  principal  cross  street 
of  Quodlibet,  and  on  his  right  directly  into  Abel  Brawn's 
smith  shop.  This  advantage  of  position  was  much  prized 
by  Neal,  because  it  enabled  him  to  observe  every  body  go 
ing  either  from  the  town  side  or  the  country  side  to  the 
blacksmith's.  And  as  the  shop  was  a  famous  ground  for 
political  discussion  and  newsmongering;  and  as  Neal  had  an 
insaturable  stomach  (insaturabile  abdomen)  for  that  sort  of 
gossip,  a  glance  from  the  mill  door  gave  him  the  means  of 
knowing  who  was  either  at,  or  on  the  way  to,  the  shop. 
Then  if  the  company  suited  him,  he  was  in  the  habit  of  con 
fiding  the  temporary  government  of  the  mill  to  a  mealy- 


166  QUODLIBET. 

headed  negro  called  Cicero,  who  could  turn  out  a  grist  as 
well  as  himself,  and  so  allow  himself  the  chance  of  a  brush 
at  argument  with  Abel  Brawn's  customers. 

On  this  evening  in  August,  as  I  said,  there  were  more  horses 
than  usual  at  the  smithy.  Six  or  seven  men  were  lounging 
about  the  door,  or  in  the  shop,  talking  very  loud,  with  every 
now  and  then  a  word  from  Abel  who  was  busily  employed 
alternately  hammering  out  shoes  on  the  anvil,  and  fitting 
them  to  the  horses'  feet;  whilst  squinting  Billy  Spike,  a  ra 
ther  ungainly  lad,  an  apprentice  to  the  smith,  was  keeping 
off  the  flies  with  a  horsetail  fastened  to  the  end  of  a  stick. 
I  had  been  taking  a  walk  that  evening  with  some  of  my 
boys  to  look  at  the  ruins  of  the  old  school  house;  and  see 
ing  this  little  gathering  about  Abel  Brawn's,  I  stopped  to 
hear  what  was  going  on.  Being  somewhat  fatigued  by  my 
exercitation,  I  sat  down  on  the  bench  under  the  shed,  hav 
ing  sent  my  boys  home  by  themselves,  and  remained  here 
a  quiet  though  not  an  inattentive  spectator  of  the  scene  be 
fore  me.  It  is  by  cultivating  such  opportunities  that  I  have 
been  enabled  to  impart  that  interest  to  these  pages,  which, 
without  vanity,  I  may  say  my  reader  cannot  fail  to  dis 
cover  in  them.  Such  have  ever  been  my  choicest  and  most 
profitable  moments  of  observation — subseciva  quaedam  tem- 
pora,  quse  ego  perire  non  patiar. 

Neal  Hopper  was  engaged  in  repairing  a  bolting-cloth  up 
stairs  in  the  mill,  and,  for  some  time  after  this  assemblage 
had  gathered  about  the  smith's  shop,  did  not  hear  or  seem 
to  know  what  was  going  forward,  until  there  came  a  loud, 
sharp  laugh  and  a  whoop  which  aroused  his  attention.  As 
soon  as  he  heard  this,  he  pricked  up  his  ears,  listened  a 
moment,  and  upon  a  repetition  of  the  laugh,  stepped  to  the 
window,  looked  down  towards  the  shop  and  saw  who  were 
there,  then  called  Cicero  to  finish  the  repair  of  the  bolting 
cloth — and  went  straight  to  the  blacksmith's. 


QUODLIBET.  167 

"  Well,  what's  the  fraction,"  said  Neal,  "  that  you're  all 
a  busting  out  in  such  a  spell  of  a  laugh  about?" 

Hearing  Neal's  voice,  Abel  Brawn  put  down  the  horse's 
foot  which  he  was  then  shoeing,  from  his  lap,  and  standing 
upright,  replied: 

"  There  seems  to  be  a  sort  of  a  snarl  here  amongst 
these  brother  democrats  of  yours,  concerning  of  this  here 
Sub  Treasury.  Some  of  them  say  it's  against  the  Banks, 
and  some  of  them  say  it's  for  the  Banks.  They  have 
got  it  that  Cambreling  should  have  give  out  in  Con 
gress  that  it  was  going  to  help  the  Banks  and  keep  them 
up;  and  others,  on  the  contrary,  say  that  Old  Tom  Benton 
swears  that  it  won't  leave  so  much  as  the  skin  of  a  corpo- 
rated  company  twixt  Down  East  and  the  Massissippi.  And 
they  say,  moreover,  that  little  Martin  lays  dark  about  it." 

"  What  does  the  Globe  give  out  concerning  of  it?"  in 
quired  Neal. 

"  Well,  the  Globe,"  replied  Sam  Pivot,  the  assessor  of 
our  county,  who  was  out  for  sheriff  and  who  was  very 
cautious  in  all  his  opinions,  "is,  as  I  take  it,  a  little 
dubious.  Sometimes  he  makes  this  Sub  Treasury  a 
smasher  to  all  banks;  and  then  again  he  fetches  it  up  as  a 
sort  of  staff  to  prop  the  good  ones  and  to  knock  down  the 
cripples.  Last  fall,  just  before  the  New  York  election,  he 
rather  buttered  the  banks,  seeing  that  the  democracy  in  that 
quarter  had'nt  made  up  their  minds  to  run  as  strong  against 
the  laboring  people  as  they  are  willing  to  do  over  here  in 
the  South.  But  in  April,  when  the  Virginny  elections  was 
up,  he  was  as  savage  as  a  meat  axe; — and  I  rather  expect, 
from  what  I  see  in  the  President's  message,  that  it  is'nt  yet 
fairly  understood  whether  the  Sub  Treasury  is  to  kill  or 
cure  the  banking  system." 

"  It's  a  pig  in  a  poke,  make  the  best  of  it,"  said  Abel 
Brawn,  "  and  is  flung  before  the  people  now  because  Van 


168  QUODLIBET. 

has'nt  got  nothing  better  to  offer  us,  and  not  because  he 
values  it  above  an  old  shoe.  To  my  thinking,  when  the 
people  have  decided  against  a  law,  as  they  have  done 
now  against  this  Sub  Treasury,  as  you  call  it,  twice  in 
Congress,  a  President  of  the  United  States  ought  to  have 
that  respect  for  the  will  of  the  people  to  let  it  drop.  That's 
what  I  call  Whig  democracy — though  it  may'nt  be  yourn." 

"  Never!"  exclaimed  Tom  Crop,  the  constable  of  our 
Borough.  "If  the  people  go  agin  the  dimocracy,  the 
dimocracy  ought  to  put  them  down.  We  go  for  principle; 
and  it's  our  business  to  try  it  over  and  over  again,  until  we 
carry  it.  Truth  is  mighty  and  will  prevail,  as  the  old 
Gineral  says." 

" I  have  never  been  able,"  said  Neal  Hopper,  "rightly 
to  make  out  what  this  Sub-Treasury  is,  any  how.  If  any 
man  knows,  let  him  tell  me." 

"  What  does  that  signify?"  answered  Crop.  "  Some 
calls  it  a  divorce — but  betwixt  who  I  don't  know,  and 
what's  more,  I  don't  care.  It's  for  the  poor  man  we  are  a 
fighting,  against  the  rich.  The  Whigs  are  for  making  the 
poor  poorer,  and  the  rich  richer — and  I  say  any  man  who 
goes  against  the  Sub  Treasury  can't  have  no  respect  for 
dimmicratic  principles." 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,"  said  Abel  Brawn.  "  Ever 
since  the  old  Federals  took  hold  of  General  Jackson's 
skirts,  and  joined  him  in  breaking  down  the  Banks,  they 
have  been  plotting  to  keep  their  heads  above  water — and 
so  they  set  about  making  experiments  right  and  left,  to  see 
if  they  could  n't  hit  upon  something  new  to  please  the 
people.  But,  bless  you — they  don't  know  no  more  about 
the  people  than  they  do  about  making  horse  shoes;  and 
that's  the  reason  why  they  have  been  such  bunglers  in  all 
their  works:  and  the  end  has  been  to  bring  us  into  such  a 
pickle  as  no  country  ever  was  in  before.  They  have  tee- 


QUODLIBET.  169 

totally  ruinated  every  thing  they  have  laid  their  hands  on— 
and  now  they  come  out  and  say  "  the  people  expect  too 
much  from  the  Government,'  and  by  way  of  making  that 
saying  good,  they  have  got  up  this  Sub-Treasury,  which  is 
nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  contrivance  to  get  all  the 
money  of  the  country  into  their  own  strong  box,  knowing 
that  when  they  have  the  money,  they  have  got  the  power , 
for  as  long  as  they  please.  That's  an  old  Federal  trick, 
which  they  understand  as  well  as  any  men  in  the  world. 
Now  the  people,  who  see  into  this  scheme,  don't  like  it, 
and  so  they  vote  it  down  in  Congress.  Well,  what  does 
these  Federals  do  then?  Submit? — No — to  be  sure  not — 
that's  not  their  principle.  They  go  at  it  again;  set  to  drill 
ing  of  Congress,  and  by  promising  this  man,  and  buying 
off  that  one  with  an  office,  and  setting  their  papers  to  telling 
all  sorts  of  lies,  they  get  the  country  so  confounded  at  last 
that  it  does  n't  know  whether  it  is  on  its  head  or  its  heels. 
But  the  worst  of  it  is,  these  very  Federals — some  of  them 
real  old  Blue  Lights — go  about  preaching  about  rich  and 
poor,  and  sowing  enmity  between  them;  and  they  work  so 
diligent  upon  this  heat,  that  many  a  simple  man  at  last 
believes  them.  It's  all  a  trick — a  mean,  sneaking  deceit, 
which  I  am  ashamed  to  think  any  honest  poor  man  in  this 
happy  country  of  ours  could  be  taken  in  by  for  one  minute. 
But  we  never  had  this  talk  until  we  got  Federal  measures 
and  Federal  men  at  the  head  of  the  Government.  Who  are 
the  rich  that  they  talk  about?  Why,  it  is  every  man  who 
has  sense  enough  to  know  that  they  are  imposing  on  him, 
whether  he  be  worth  a  million  or  worth  only  five  hundred 
dollars — unless  indeed  it  be  one  of  their  own  rich  men,  and 
then  they  can't  praise  him  too  much.  Is  industry  a  sin  in 
this  land,  that  when  it  has  earned  a  little  something  for  a 
wet  day,  the  man  who  has  thriven  by  it  must  be  held  up  as 
an  enemy  to  his  country?  Does  it  hurt  a  man's  patriotism, 
15 


170  QUODLIBET. 

when  he  sends  his  children  to  school,  and  works  until  he 
can  buy  a  tract  of  land  to  start  them  well  in  life — or  when 
he  rents  a  pew  in  church,  and  carries  his  family  there  to 
teach  them  to  fear  God  and  keep  his  commandments?  Is 
it  to  be  told  against  a  man,  that  his  neighbors  count  him 
to  be  frugal  and  thrifty,  and  that  he  is  considered  respecta 
ble  in  the  world?  Yet  that  is  your  new  fashioned  democ 
racy,  which  wants  to  put  every  one  in  the  dust  who  does  n't 
idle  away  his  time  and  squander  his  substance,  and  let  his 
family  go  to  wrack,  whilst  he  strolls  about  the  country 
bawling  democracy.  Thank  God!  the  democracy  I've  larnt 
in  my  time,  has  taught  me  to  do  to  others  as  I  would  have 
others  do  to  me;  and  which  has  imbibed  into  my  mind  the 
principle  that  I  am  a  freeman,  and  have  a  right  to  think  for 
myself,  to  speak  for  myself  and  to  act  for  myself,  without 
having  a  string  put  through  my  nose  to  lead  me  wherever  it 
suits  a  set  of  scheming,  lying,  cunning  politicians  to  have 
me  for  their  benefit.  Democracy's  not  what  it  used  to  be, 
or  you  would  never  find  the  people  putting  up  with  this 
eternal  dictation  from  the  President  and  his  friends,  to 
Congress  and  to  the  nation,  what  he  will  have,  and  what 
he  won't  have: — that's  what  I  call  rank  monarchy,  and  I 
will  fight  against  it  to  my  latest  breath. 

"  You  will  have  a  chance  to  judge  foryourselves  whetherthe 
President  dictates  to  the  people  or  not,  in  this  very  matter  of 
the  Sub-Treasury: — wait  till  the  next  session  of  Congress: — 
the  bill  has  just  been  rejected  a  second  time.  You  will  see 
that  Martin  is  n't  a  going  to  give  it  up,  but  will  bring  it  for 
ward  again  and  again — until  at  last,  I  make  no  doubt,  he  will 
get  a  Congress  shabby  enough  to  do  his  bidding,  and  pass  it; — 
and  many  of  the  very  men  who  are  against  it  to-day,  will 
abandon  their  own  opinions  and  go  for  it,  for  no  other  reason 
in  the  world  but  that  they  will  be  afraid  of  their  Nose-Leaders, 
who  will  tell  them  they  are  no  democrats  unless  they  sup- 


QUODLIBET.  171 

port  the  President.  It  is  nothing  more  nor  less  than  enlist 
ing  men  in  the  service,  and  marching  and  countermarching 
them  which  ever  way  the  officers  choose;  besides  bringing 
every  man  to  a  drum-head  who  dares  to  disobey  orders." 

«« What's  Tom  Benton's  notion?"  inquired  Neal  Hopper. 

"  He  goes  for  the  Sub-Treasury  out  and  out,"  said  Pivot. 

"In  course,  he  does,  all  hollow,"  interrupted  Tom  Crop, 
with  rather  a  fierce  frown  and  an  angry  tone,  designed  to 
express  his  indignant  feeling  at  the  sentiments  uttered  by 
Abel  Brawn,  and  which  sternness  of  countenance  had  been 
gradually  gathering  during  the  whole  time  occupied  by  the 
Blacksmith's  discourse.  "  There's  none  of  this  d — d  slang 
in  him.  He's  agin  all  Monypolies,  and  for  the  rale  Consti 
tutional  Currency — and  them's  the  genuine  dimmicratic  prin 
ciples  : — leastways,  they've  come  about  so  now,  whatever 
they  might  'a  been  in  times  past.  Old  Tom's  the  first  man 
what  ever  found  out  what  the  Constitutional  Currency  raly 
was,  and  sot  the  dimmicrats  a  goin  on  the  Hard  Money 
track:  d — n  my  blood !  And,  besides,  don't  I  know  these 
banks? — they're  nuisances  in  grain,  and  naturally  as  good 
as  strikes  a  poor  man  in  his  vitals.  I've  seed  it  myself. 
Here  was  Joe  Plumb,  the  cider  press  maker,  got  a  note 
from  Jerry  Lantern  down  here  at  the  cross  roads,  for  settin 
up  his  cider  press,  and  he  heaved  it  in  the  bank  for  them  to 
collect  it — and  what  does  the  Bank  do,  but  go  and  purtest 
it?  That's  the  way  they  treat  a  poor  man  like  Joe  Plumb, 
what's  obliged  to  work  for  his  livin: — would  they  'a  sarved 
a  Big  Bug  so.  No— don't  tell  me  about  the  Banks!  I'm 
sick  a  hearin  on  em." 

This  discussion  was  now  interrupted  by  the  approach  of 
Theodore  Fog,  Flan  Sucker  and  Sim  Travers.  By  this 
addition  to  the  company  the  New  Lights  gained  an  over 
whelming  preponderance  of  numbers  over  their  adversaries. 
Indeed  Abel  Brown  and  Davy  Post,  the  wheelwright,  were 


172  QUODLIBET. 

the  only  Whigs  in  the  assemblage;  and  the  consequence 
was  that  Abel,  who  fought  them  all  pretty  manfully  at  first, 
was  obliged  to  give  in  so  far  as  to  remain  silent — with  the 
exception  of  a  random  shot,  which  now  and  then  he  let  off 
by  way  of  repartee — Abel  not  being  bad  at  that.  Davy 
Post  was  naturally  a  silent  man,  and,  therefore,  did  not  pre 
tend  to  be  a  speaker  on  this  occasion. 

As  soon  as  Theodore  Fog  was  informed  what  was  the 
topic  in  debate,  and  especially  of  the  doubts  which  seemed 
to  be  prevalent  regarding  the  Sub-Treasury,  he  took  a  sta 
tion  against  the  door  post,  where  the  whole  company  ga 
thered  around  him;  and,  being  now  in  an  oratorical  mood, 
he  began  to  address  the  auditory  in  something  like  a  speech: 

"Gentlemen,"  said  he,  at  the  same  time  drawing,  with  a 
jerk,  his  neckcloth  away  and  flaunting  it  in  his  hand,  "in  a 
free  government  we  have  no  secrets.  Freedom  of  Opinion 
and  its  twin  sister  Freedom  of  Discussion  are  chartered 
libertines  that  float  upon  the  ambient  air  consecrated  to  the 
Genius  of  Universal  Emancipation" 

"Hurra  for  old  The!"  shouted  Sim  Travers. 

"  Ya — hoop — halloo — go  it!"  yelled  Flan  Sucker  with  a 
wild  and  deafening  scream,  which  sufficiently  manifested 
the  fact  that  he  was  most  noisily  drunk. 

Several  of  the  company  interfered  by  remonstrating  with 
Flan  against  this  unnecessary  demonstration  of  fervor,  which 
Flan,  on  the  other  hand,  insisted  upon  as  his  right. 

"Whenever  old  The.  Fog  comes  out  high  flown,"  said 
he,  "I  yells  as  a  matter  of  principle.  It's  encouragin  to 
youth.  Nebuchadnezzer  the  King  of  the  Jews  couldn't 
beat  him  at  a  speech:  He's  the  Butt  cut  of  democracy." 

"Flan,  hold  your  tongue,"  said  Theodore.  "Gentlemen, 
we  have  no  secrets.  Abel  Brawn  and  Davy  Post  are  wel 
come  to  hear  all  I  have  to  impart.  I  know — every  body 
knows — that  we  have  been  in  a  state  of  suspense  on  the 


QUODLIBET.  173 

great  question  of  the  Sub-Treasury.  The  INDEPENDENT 
Treasury,  as  we  are  going  to  call  it  since  Congress  rejected 
it — we'll  try  what  a  new  name  will  do.  I  say  we  have 
been  in  suspense.  Like  honest  New  Lights  we  have  waited 
to  see  how  the  cat  would  jump.  Some  men  imagined  that 
Martin  would  bow  to  the  judgment  of  the  people  and  give 
it  up.  They  did  not  know  the  stern,  uncompromising,  foot 
step-following  principles  that  dwell  at  the  bottom  of  his 
heart.  He  will  never  give  it  up — the  people  must  take  it: 
he  has  got  nothing  else  for  them.  Hasn't  he  tried  every 
thing  else?  And  isn't  this  the  last  thing  he  could  think  of? 
Why,  then,  of  course,  the  people  must  gulp  it  down,  or  the 
party  is  broke.  Where  is  the  slave  that  would  desert  his 
party?  Who's  here  so  base  would  be  a  turncoat?  The 
Whigs  call  the  President  the  servant  of  the  people — we  call 
him  the  Ruler,  the  Great  Chieftain, — and  when  a  man 
deserts  him  he  is  a  TURNCOAT — that  is  sound  New  Light 
doctrine. 

"  Sirs,  it  has  been  developed  in  the  recent  demonstrations 
of  contemporary  history" 

"Yip!" 

"Silence,  Flan  Sucker  and  don't  make  a  fool  of  yourself. 
It  has  been  discovered  that  Bank  Influence  has  defeated  the 
Sub-Treasury  bill.  Every  member  who  voted  against  it 
has  received  a  large  bribe  from  the  banks.  The  Globe  man 
has  lately  discovered  this  astounding  corruption:  the  Presi 
dent  is  aware  of  it:  and  for  this  reason,  in  addition  to  that 
which  I  have  already  mentioned,  he  is  determined  to  run  it 
as  the  INDEPENDENT  Treasury  again.  Every  New  Light  is 
expected  to  toe  the  mark." 

**  Three  cheers  for  that!"  cried  Pivot. 

*•  We  have  heretofore  partially  denounced  the  banks," 
continued  Fog;  "  we  are  now  to  open  upon  them  like 
hounds — worry  them  like  rats.  From  this  day  forth,  the 
15* 


174  QUODLIBET. 

Quods  will  take  a  new  turn; — they  will  dismiss  all  pity 
from  their  bosoms,  and  cry  aloud  for  strangling  the  banks — 
not  even  excepting  our  own.  Patriotism  demands  the  sac 
rifice.  Down  with  paper  money!  will  be  the  word.  Turn 
the  tables  on  the  Whigs,  and  call  the  whole  bank  system 
the  spawn  of  aristocracy — remember  that.  At  the  same 
time,  gentlemen,  be  not  afraid.  No  harm  will  be  done  to 
any  bank  you  have  a  liking  for — the  essence  of  the  thing 
is  in  the  noise.  We  shall  have  perhaps  to  kill  the  banks 
in  the  District  of  Columbia — but  that's  nothing;-— it  will  be 
an  offering  to  consistency.  All  experiments  require  an 
Exhausted  Receiver — and  the  District  is  ours; — a  snug  little 
piece  of  machinery  to  play  upon.  So  keep  it  in  mind — 
Treasury  notes  and  no  Paper  Money! — down  with  Credit, 
and  up  with  the  Independent  Treasury!" 

"Aint  that  first  rate?"  said  Sim  Travers.  "The.  who 
sot  that  agoin?" 

"Amos  Kendall,  Francis  P.  Blair,  Tom  Benton  and  John 
C.  Calhoun,"  replied  Fog;  "  the  great  Quartette  and  greatest 
men  of  our  times.  Middleton  Flam  has  just  received  let 
ters  from  Washington  laying  open  the  whole  plan  of  opera 
tions.  He  has  accordingly  determined  to  put  himself  in 
position  for  ultimate  action,  by  resigning  the  presidency  of 
the  bank.  Middleton  Flam,  gentlemen,  I  am  free  to  say  it, 
although  we  have  differed  on  some  questions,  is  a  great 
man  and  an  honor  to  the  New  Lights.  He  has  already 
sent  his  resignation  to  Nicodemus  Handy.  The  Board 
meet  to-morrow  to  act  upon  it.  You  may  imagine,  gentle 
men,  who  is  looked  to  as  his  successor.  But  I  here  an 
nounce  to  you,  the  conglomerate  essence  of  my  constituency 
at  large,  that  on  no  consideration  can  I  be  persuaded  to 
accept  the  vacant  place.  No,  gentlemen,  the  whole  tenor 
of  my  life  renders  that  impossible.  I  have  defined  my 
position  years  ago;  and  every  man  must  see,  that  president 


QUODLIBET.  175 

of  that,  or  any  other  bank,  I  can  never  be.  Simon  Snuffers 
is  the  man.  If  he  can  make  it  agreeable  to  the  democratic 
principle  upon  which  he  holds  the  Hay  Scales — and  that  is 
for  you  to  say — I  have  no  doubt  he  will  accept.  Simon 
has  no  ulterior  objects; — and  men  without  ulterior  objects 
may  do  as  they  please. — But  I  trust  that  this  responsible 
post  will  never  be  pressed  upon  me.  Upon  that  point  I 
cannot  indulge  the  wishes  of  my  friends." 

The  importance  of  this  speech  was  duly  appreciated  by 
those  to  whom  it  was  addressed;  and  as  every  man  was 
anxious  to  know  what  every  body  else  thought  about  these 
matters,  there  was  an  immediate  adjournment  to  the  Borough. 
The  consequence  was,  that  Abel  Brawn's  shop  was  left  in 
a  few  moments  without  a  customer;  and  in  the  course  of 
the  next  half  hour,  the  news  communicated  by  Theodore 
Fog  was  in  every  man's  mouth.  The  movement  at  Wash 
ington  was  held  to  be  decisive.  The  Independent  Treasury, 
from  that  moment,  became  a  leading  test  of  the  allegiance 
of  the  democrats  of  Quodlibet. 


176  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


LETTER  FROM  AMOS  KENDALL  TO  MR.  FLAM.— DIRECTIONS  TO  THE  DE 
MOCRACY. — MR.  KENDALL'S  MODE  OF  PRODUCING  AN  IMPRESSION. — 
THE  PRESIDENT'S  DETERMINATION  IN  REGARD  TO  THE  INDEPENDENT 
TREASURY. — WARNING  TO  DESERTERS. — CANDIDATES  FOR  MR.  FLAM'S 

PLACE  IN   THE  BANK. — HARDBOTTLE  ELECTED. THEODOBE   FOG'S 

OUTBREAK. — HE  COOLS  DOWN  AND  STANDS  UPON  PRINCIPLE. — HARD- 
BOTTLE  UNPOPULAR. 

THE  fact  was  as  Theodore  Fog  had  stated  it.  Mr.  Flam 
had  received  a  letter  from  Amos  Kendall,  apprising  him  that 
it  was  deemed  absolutely  necessary  to  the  preservation  of 
the  New  Light  Democratic  Party  to  become  extremely 
pointed  in  their  assault  against  the  State  Banks,  and  that 
the  misdeeds  of  those  institutions  should  be  exaggerated  as 
much  as  possible,  and  then  charged  upon  the  Whigs. 

"This  attack,"  said  Amos,  "must  be  made  with  more 
than  usual  clamor,  and  followed  up  with  unremitting  indus 
try,  that,  by  force  of  the  first  word  and  incessant  repetition, 
we  may  get  the  people  to  believe  that  we  have  had  nothing 
to  do  with  the  creation  of  these  corporations;  but  have,  in 
fact,  been  inveterately  hostile  to  them  from  the  first,  and 
that  our  opponents  have  been  their  sole  patrons  and  friends. 
Our  recent  outcry  on  this  subject  has  succeeded  so  well 
with  the  people,  that  we  are  determined  now  to  make  the 
denunciation  of  the  banks  our  chief  topic,  by  way  of  pre 
paration  for  the  Independent  Treasury  which  we  are  resolved 


QUODLIBET.  177 

the  people  shall  swallow.  We  cannot  too  strongly  impress 
upon  our  friends,  the  propriety  of  charging  upon  the  Whigs 
that  we  have  repeatedly  warned  them  against  increasing  the 
number  of  banks  in  the  States.  By  this  device  we  shall 
put  upon  their  shoulders  all  those  mischiefs  of  over-banking 
and  over-trading,  which  they  used  to  talk  about.  We 
must  impute  to  them  all  the  evils  of  the  shinplaster  system 
—except  the  Treasury  notes,  which  it  would  be  well  for  us 
to  praise,  as  an  admirable  democratic  scheme  to  give  the 
country  a  METALLIC  currency.  It  has  also  been  deemed 
important,"  continued  the  writer,  "that  we  should  prove 
that  the  government  has  lost  more  money  by  the  State 
Banks  than  by  any  other  agents  it  has  ever  employed. 
This  idea  was  hinted  to  Mr.  Woodbury,  who  has,  in  con 
sequence,  very  recently  been  at  work  upon  the  subject,  and 
has  produced  a  report  altogether  conclusive  against  the 
banks.  He  wiH  continue  these  labors  with  a  view  to  the 
instruction  of  Congress  and  all  our  other  inquiring  friends; 
being,  in  no  respect,  daunted  by  that  unlucky  report  made 
by  him  in  1834,  which,  singularly  enough,  proves  the  op 
posite  side  of  the  case;  for,  as  he  remarks,  the  specific 
gravity  of  his  state  papers  is  so  great  as  to  sink  them  too 
deep  for  the  perception  of  the  present  generation, — and  that 
consequently  his  report  of  1834  must  be  pretty  well  for 
gotten  by  this  time,  which,  indeed,  I  think  quite  likely; — 
it  was  so  long-winded,  dozy  and  prosy,  as  every  thing  of 
Woodbury's  is,  (a  note  in  the  margin  marked  this  as  '  con 
fidential,')  that  I  should  not  wonder  if  more  than  ten  men 
in  Congress  never  read  it,  and  of  those,  perhaps  not  a  single 
one  retains  any  distinct  impression  of  its  meaning.1'  The 
letter  exhorted  Mr.  Flam  to  make  these  views  known  to 
the  drill  sergeants  and  corporals  of  the  party  in  Quodlibet, 
and  to  stimulate  them  to  active  exertions  in  the  part  assigned 
to  them.  "  Pound  it  into  the  public  mind,"  said  the  writer, 


178  QUODLIBET. 

"  that  the  Whigs  are  the  authors  of  the  present  evils;  continual 
pounding  will  inevitably,  at  last,  do  the  business.  Many  a 
time  have  I  riveted,  by  diligent  hammering,  a  politic  and 
necessary  fabrication  upon  the  credulity  of  the  people — so 
fast  that  no  art  of  my  adversary  could  tear  it  away  to  make 
room  for  the  truth:  therefore,  I  say  to  you  and  our  demo 
cratic  friends — hammer  without  ceasing." 

A  letter  from  Mr.  Woodbury,  at  the  same  time,  informed 
Mr.  Flam,  that  as  the  people  had  so  contumaciously  rejected 
the  Independent  Treasury  bill,  by  their  representatives  in 
congress,  the  President  was  now  determined  to  carry  it  at 
all  hazards;  and  consequently  it  was  expected  that  no  New 
Light  democrat  would  be  so  false  to  the  glorious  principles 

I  of  the  Quodlibetarian  theory  as  to  interpose  any  opinion  of 
his  own,  between  the  will  of  the  President  and  the  appro 
priate  duty  of  the  people.  "If  such  should  be  the  case," 
said  the  secretary,  "  Mr.  Van  Buren  can  ha^ye  no  alternative 
— the  individual  so  recreant  to  the  eternal  principles  of  the 
New  Light  Democracy,  must  be  denounced  by  the  Globe 
as  an  enemy  to  freedom,  and  what  is  worse,  a  traitor  to  his 
party" 

Mr.  Flam  reflected  upon  these  communications  with 
grave  attention;  and  having  shown  them  to  some  of  his 
intimate  friends,  amongst  whom  I  count  it  my  highest  ho 
nor  to  be  ranked,  he  announced  his  purpose  to  resign  his 
post  in  the  bank.  For  this  step  he  had  two  good  reasons: 
the  first  was  the  necessity  of  disencumbering  himself  of  a 
connection  which  might  have  impeded  his  usefulness — to 
use  his  own  words — in  his  public  relations:  the  second 
reason  was,  that  he  had  borrowed  so  large  an  amount  from 
the  bank,  as  to  circumscribe  its  bounty  greatly  to  the  pre 
judice  of  sundry  of  the  directors  who  were,  in  consequence, 
beginning  to  complain  of  his  management  of  the  institution, 
and  were  even  threatening  to  run  an  opposition  against  him 


QUODLIBET.  179 

in  the  election  which  was  but  a  few  months  off.  It  was 
whispered  also  that  Nicodemus  Handy  had  given  him  a 
mysterious  but  friendly  hint  to  resign,  without  explaining 
his  reasons.  Upon  these  considerations  his  mind  was  made 
up;  and  accordingly  the  resignation  was  laid  before  the 
Board  at  the  time  indicated  by  Theodore  Fog. 

This  event  produced  great  sensation  in  Quodlibet ;  not 
less  from  the  curiosity  to  know  why  our  distinguished  re 
presentative  should  relinquish  so  lucrative  a  post,  than  from 
the  interest  felt  in  the  measure  of  selecting  his  successor. 
Fifteen  of  our  most  strenuous  New  Light  Democrats  were 
candidates;  and  notwithstanding  the  speech  made  at  the 
blacksmith's  shop,  Theodore  Fog  was  the  first  who  wrote 
a  letter  to  the  Board  to  apprise  them  that,  in  consequence 
of  the  eager  importunity  of  his  democratic  friends  to  confide 
the  Bank  to  his  management,  he  found  himself  compelled 
to  forego  his  objections  to  having  any  concern  with  the 
Banking  system,  and  therefore  would  not  feel  himself  at 
liberty  to  decline  the  Presidency  in  case  it  should  be  offered 
to  him.  He  said  he  wished  it  to  be  distinctly  understood, 
that  emolument  was  not  his  object:  but  that  he  was  actuated 
solely  by  his  attachment  to  that  New  Light  Democratic 
principle  which  taught  him  on  all  occasions  to  seek  prefer 
ment,  as  the  means  of  widening  the  sphere  of  his  usefulness, 
and  to  increase  his  worldly  fortune  only  for  the  sake  of  the 
good  it  enabled  him  to  dispense  to  the  people.  On  no 
other  terms  was  he  willing  to  accept  the  government  of  the 
Bank. 

Some  two  or  three  days  were  spent  in  canvassing  this 
matter;  when  the  choice  ultimately,  upon  the  twenty-fifth 
balloting,  fell  upon  Anthony  Hardbottle,  who  had  not  been 
previously  thought  of  for  the  place,  and  was  only  brought 
forward  when  all  attempts  to  elect  others  had  failed.  The 
fifteen  original  candidates  became  greatly  incensed  at  this 


180  QUODLIBET.. 

choice.  Theodore  Fog  was  furious:  he  said  Hardbottle 
could  scarcely  be  called  a  democrat: — if  any  thing,  he  was 
half  whig — nay,  he  believed,  whole  whig: — and  to  elect  a 
whig  to  a  great  responsible  post  like  that — a  post  connected 
with  the  national  fisc,  allied  to  the  money  power,  so  inti 
mately  related  to  the  important  concerns  of  the  currency! — 
it  was  not  to  be  tolerated.  The  Genius  of  New  Light  De 
mocracy  should  array  herself  in  steel,  indue  herself  in  pa 
noply,  buckle  on  her  armor,  shake  her  lance  against  it — or 
in  other  words,  he  deemed  it  incompatible  with  free  institu 
tions  to  allow  a  whig — or,  at  least,  a  man  who  never 
attended  political  meetings,  and  who  held  the  whigs  in 
respect — to  preside  over  such  a  democratic  institution  as 
the  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet. — Theodore  continued 
raving  in  this  strain  until  he  drank  nine  juleps  interspersed 
with  numberless  other  potations,  and  became  so  incapable 
of  motion  as  to  render  it  necessary  for  Mrs.  Ferret  to  have 
him  carried  to  bed.  As  he  cooled,  so  cooled  his  competi 
tors.  Indeed,  in  the  course  of  a  few  days,  Theodore  Fog, 
in  commenting  upon  the  pretensions  of  the  several  defeated 
candidates,  found  so  many  objections  to  them  individually 
and  collectively,  as  to  bring  himself  into  an  excellent  temper 
upon  the  subject,  whereby  he  was  able  to  make  merry  with 
the  whole  election;  and  thus,  by  degrees,  he  fell  back  into 
the  state  of  mind  which  he  had  manifested  at  the  smith's 
shop,  and  declared  that  no  consideration  could  possibly  in 
duce  him,  professing  the  principles  he  did,  to  accept  any 
post  connected  with  a  Bank.  He  expressed  himself  in 
sharp  and  censorious  terms  against  what,  he  said,  he  had 
constantly  observed — namely,  that  he  never  knew  a  post  in  a 
bank  to  be  vacant,  from  the  President  down  to  the  porter, 
including  Directors  and  all,  in  regard  to  which  he  didn't  find 
half  a  dozen  Loco  Focos,  to  say  nothing  of  New  Light 
Democrats,  applicants  to  fill  the  vacancy:  he  thought  it  in- 


%  QUODLIBET.  181 

consistent  with  principle,  now  that  orders  had  come  for  the 
Democracy  to  abuse  the  banks,  to  seek  or  accept  such 
places;  and  he  did  not  care  who  knew  his  sentiments  upon 
the  subject. 

Mr.  Hardbottle  was  a  strict  man  of  business,  and  did  not, 
it  is  true,  greatly  interest  himself  in  politics.  Yet,  never 
theless,  he  was  a  decided  supporter  of  the  New  Light  cause, 
and  was  always  esteemed  a  useful  member  of  the  Borough. 
One  thing  that  made  against  him  in  the  Board  was,  that  he 
had  never  been  a  very  active  customer  to  the  Bank,  except 
so  far  only  as  keeping  his  commercial  account  there.  He 
was  often  urged  to  accept  accommodations  with  a  view  to  the 
improvement  of  the  Borough,  but  almost  invariably  refused, 
from  an  aversion  to  indulging  in  these  useful  speculations. 
His  brother  Directors,  in  consequence,  rather  regarded  him 
as  a  man  who  was  deficient  in  public  spirit;  and  they  ima 
gined  that  he  might  be  inclined  to  depreciate  the  value  of 
the  services  they  had  rendered  the  Bank  by  the  liberal  em 
ployment  they  had  given  to  its  funds.  Mr.  Hardbottle, 
therefore,  might  be  said  to  have  entered  into  the  govern 
ment  of  the  Bank  under  inauspicious  circumstances,  and 
was  likely  not  to  be  a  very  popular  President.  He  was, 
however,  determined  upon  one  thing,  and  that  was  to  make 
a  thorough  examination  of  the  Bank  for  the  purpose  of 
bringing  about  a  resumption  of  specie  payments  at  the 
earliest  possible  moment;  for  some  complaints  had  gone 
abroad  against  the  Bank  of  Quodlibet  for  not  resuming 
when  the  other  banks  of  the  country  affected  to  be  anxious 
for  that  measure. 

In  consequence  of  this  determination  of  the  New  Presi 
dent,  the  Bank  was  kept  in  a  perpetual  bustle  for  the  whole 
fortnight  succeeding  the  election.     What  then  occurred  will 
be  told  in  the  next  chapter. 
16 


182  QTJODLIBET 


CHAPTER  XV. 


UNHAPPY  EVENT  IN  THE  LIFE  OP  NICODEMUS  HANDY. — CONSTERNATION 
OF  QUODLIBET. — DISASTERS  AMONGST  THE  DIRECTORS. — EXPLOSION  OF 
THE  BANK.— CONVERSATION  BETWEEN  THEODORE  FOG  AND  MR.  GRANT. 
— FOG'S  VIEWS  OF  THE  QUESTION  OF  DISTRESS.— COMPLIMENT  TO  JESSE 
FERRET. 

I  KNOW  not  which  way  to  turn.  Auribus  teneo  lupnm. 
I  can  scarcely  compose  myself  to  write.  Such  an  event! 
Many  things  have  happened  in  this  world  to  excite  wonder 
— many  grief — many  indignation — many  wailing,  lamenta 
tion  and  moans; — but  we  have  had  an  incident  in  the  Borough 
which  overmasters  all  these  emotions  by  the  height  and  the 
depth,  the  length  and  the  breadth,  the  stupendous  magnitude 
of  the  amazement  which  it  has  spread  through  all  minds. 

The  investigation  of  the  affairs  of  the  Bank,  under  the 
direction  of  Mr.  Hardbottle,  lasted  more  than  a  fortnight. 

They  were  not  yet  brought  to  a  close,  when Let  the 

following  paragraph  from  an  extra  Whole  Hog,  issued  on 
the  spur  of  the  moment,  tell  the  rest.  I  have  no  nerve  for 
such  a  disclosure. 

"ASTOUNDING  WHIG  DEFALCATION. 

"  Our  Borough  has  just  been  thrown  into  a  state  of  stu 
pefaction  by  an  event  which  completely  eclipses  every  other 
act  of  crime  and  villany  with  which  the  annals  of  Whiggery 
abound.  Nicodemus  Handy,  the  Whig  cashier  of  that  ex- 


QUODLIBET.  183 

tortionate,  swindling,  Whig  rag-factory,  The  Patriotic  Cop 
perplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet,  left  this  Borough  yesterday 
morning  in  the  People's  Line,  which  runs  through  Thorough 
Blue.  As  this  journey  was  undertaken  with  the  pretence 
of  business,  it  attracted  no  attention  until  this  morning, 
when  the  indefatigable  democratic  President  of  that  institu 
tion,  Mr.  Anthony  Hardbottle,  who  was  recently  elected  for 
the  purpose  of  a  thorough  investigation  into  its  concerns, 
(suspicions  having  been  long  indulged  of  its  rottenness — and, 
in  fact,  our  worthy  representative,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam, 
an  unterrified  and  incorruptible  New  Light,  having  retired 
from  the  head  of  the  institution  on  account  of  the  disgusting 
irregularities  which  fell  within  his  view,)  laid  a  statement 
before  the  board  which  showed  that  the  cashier  had  secreted 
upwards  of  $  160,000,  the  greater  part  of  which  funds  there 
is  reason  to  believe  he  has  made  away  with  in  the  course  of 
the  last  three  months.  Measures  were  taken  to  pursue  the 
offender,  and  as  far  as  possible  to  secure  the  Bank  by  attach 
ments  upon  his  property,  which  is  supposed  to  be  conside 
rable.  For  the  present,  we  forbear  all  comment,  except  so 
far  as  to  remark,  that  we  look  upon  this  atrocious  fraud  but 
as  the  natural  fruit  of  that  system  of  Whig  measures  which 
has  cumbered  the  land  with  mushroom  banks,  filthy  rags, 
and  swarms  of  scrub  aristocrats  in  the  shape  of  presidents, 
cashiers,  directors,  and  clerks.  We  may  speedily  expect 
to  hear  of  many  more  Whigs  following  the  example  of  our 
absquatulating  cashier." 

The  sensation  produced  in  the  Borough  by  this  intelli 
gence,  is  not  to  be  described.  The  flight  of  Mr.  Handy 
was  the  only  topic  of  conversation  for  a  week.  An  officer 
followed  him  to  Thorough  Blue,  whence,  it  was  rumored, 
the  fugitive  had  shaped  his  course  for  Texas:  other  reports 
assigned  Canada  as  his  place  of  refuge — all  was  uncertainty. 
Legal  measures  were  taken  to  secure  his  property.  This 


184  QUODLIBET. 

consisted  of  his  elegant  mansion  on  Copperplate  Ridge, 
sundry  rows  of  warehouses,  and  other  buildings  in  Quodli- 
bet,  a  large  number  of  which  had  been  left  for  two  years 
past  in  an  unfinished  state.  Upon  investigation  it  was 
ascertained  that  the  whole  of  this  estate  had  been  converted 
into  money;  our  worthy  representative,  the  Hon.  Middle- 
ton  Flam,  having  an  absolute  conveyance  for  Handy  House, 
its  furniture  and  appurtenances,  and  certain  political  friends, 
connected  with  the  custom  house  in  New  York,  rank  Whigs, 
having  mortgages  on  all  the  rest  of  the  property.  The  con 
sequence  was,  the  Bank  was  able  to  secure  nothing. 

One  of  our  first  proceedings,  after  the  flight  of  the  cashier, 
was  to  call  together  the  New  Light  Club,  where  resolutions 
were  passed  denouncing  his  fraud  as  the  necessary  conse 
quence  of  his  Whig  principles,  censuring  the  Bank,  in  the 
strongest  terms,  as  a  swindling  Whig  concern,  and  avowing 
an  unalterable  devotion  to  the  Independent  Treasury,  as  the 
only  sound,  genuine,  New  Light  Democratic  experiment 
which  it  was  proper  for  the  government  to  make,  in  the  pre 
sent  condition  of  affairs — unless  the  President  should  change 
his  mind  and  find  out  something  still  more  democratic;  in 
which  event  the  New  Light  Club  pledged  itself  to  give  that 
other  measure  their  cordial  and  patriotic  support. 

In  the  course  of  a  fortnight,  the  inhabitants  of  the  Bo 
rough  were  surprised  to  read  from  a  New  York  paper,  in 
the  list  of  passengers  who  sailed  for  Liverpool  by  the  packet 
of  the  first  of  October,  amongst  the  names  of  sundry  fash 
ionables,  those  also  of  Mrs.  and  Miss  Handy;  and  we  were 
not  long  afterwards  relieved  from  all  doubt  as  to  the 
Cashier's  destination,  by  seeing  it  publicly  announced  that 
he  had  gone  to  Havre,  from  which  point,  as  soon  as  he 
could  be  joined  by  his  interesting  and  distressed  family,  he 
designed  making  the  tour  of  Europe. 

From  the  period  of  the  elopement  of  Mr.  Handy,  we  had 


QUODLIBET.  185 

a  series  of  convulsions.  The  first  incident  of  importance 
that  followed  it,  was  the  failure  of  the  whole  Board  of  Di 
rectors;  each  of  whom,  according  to  his  own  showing,  had 
lost  so  much  money  by  the  absconding  cashier  as  to  be  to 
tally  unable  to  pay  up  his  liabilities  to  the  bank.  The  next 
disaster  was  the  explosion  of  the  bank  itself.  The  abduc 
tion  of  so  large  an  amount  of  its  funds,  as  well  as  its  unfor 
tunate  list  of  bad  debts  from  the  directors,  rendered  this  ine 
vitable.  Then  came  riots  amongst  the  holders  of  its  paper, 
who  besieged  the  door  for  several  days,  and  even  threatened 
to  pull  down  the  building.  Never  was  a  community  in  a 
more  unhappy  commotion  than  ours  at  this  eventful  epoch. 

Mr.  Grant  visited  the  borough  frequently  during  the  pre 
valence  of  these  disorders.  One  day  he  met  Theodore  Fog, 
who  seemed  to  be  rather  pleasurably  excited  by  the  events 
which  occupied  and  engrossed  the  public  attention — for 
Theodore,  as  he  was  in  the  habit  of  remarking,  had 
nothing  to  lose  by  these  domestic  convulsions,  and  every 
thing  to  gain.  The  election  was  at  hand,  and  he  was 
again  the  True  Grit  candidate ;  but  on  this  occasion,  there 
was  no  opposition  from  his  own  party,  and  the  chance  of 
electing  a  whig  was  deemed  hopeless.  That  side  made  no 
nomination ;  and  Fog,  therefore,  with  his  two  colleagues  of 
the  last  year,  was  in  a  fair  way  to  walk  over  the  course 
without  a  contest.  The  interests  of  the  election,  conse 
quently,  were  altogether  absorbed  in  the  other  incidents  of 
the  day.  Still,  Theodore  was  not  inattentive  to  the  voters, 
and  was,  as  usual,  loquacious  and  voluble. 

"  A  pretty  considerable  upheaving  of  the  elements  of 
social  life,  Mr.  Grant," — said  he,  upon  encountering  the  old 
gentleman  on  Ferret's  steps  at  the  front  door  of  The  Hero. 

"  I  think  so,"  replied  Mr.  Grant — "  You  have  brought 
your  pigs  at  last  to  a  fine  market." 

"  Our  pigs!"  exclaimed  Fog,  with  an  excellent  represen- 
16* 


186  QUODLIBET. 

tation  of  surprise: — "well,  that  beats  M'Gonegal,  and  he 
beat  the  devil.  The  whole  litter  comes  from  a  whig  mo 
ther:  it  is  the  spawn  of  that  aristocracy,  against  which  the 
intelligence,  the  honor  and  the  virtue  of  the  nation  have  been 
waging  war  ever  since  the  Reign  of  Terror; — but,  sir,  it  is 
down;  the  intelligence  and  firmness  of  the  people  have  tri 
umphed  at  last." 

"  You  allude,  I  suppose,  to  your  democratic  bank  here," 
said  Mr.  Grant, 

"  No  doubt,"  replied  Fog,  "  the  whigs  will  attempt  to 
shuffle  the  bank  off  their  shoulders  and  buckle  it  on  the 
democrats.  But  that  won't  do,  sir;  that's  too  stale  a  trick 
to  deceive  the  people.  The  whigs,  sir,  are  men  of  proper 
ty;  the  democrats  are  poor,  sir.  Banks  are  not  made  by 
poor  men,  Mr.  Grant;  there's  the  logic  of  the  case." 

"  And  this  Patriotic  Copperplate  Bank  of  Quodlibet  was 
not  set  on  foot  by  Nicodemus  Handy  and  Theodore  Fog?" 
returned  Mr.  Grant. 

"By  Nicodemus  Handy,"  replied  Fog,  "not  by  me. 
Sir,  Nicodemus  was  always  a  whig;  and  what's  more,  at 
tempted  to  beguile  me  into  his  scheme.  He  took  advantage 
of  my  unsuspecting  temper — endeavored  to  lull  into  securi 
ty  my  artless,  confiding  nature ;  essayed,  sir,  but  in  vain, 
to  seduce  me  from  my  allegiance  to  the  democratic  faith,  by 
tempting  offers  of  the  presidency  of  the  bank — but,  sir,  my 
virtue  was  too  stern  for  his  treacherous  arts.  I  saw  the 
gilded  bait  and  spurned  it.  It  was — I  say  it  myself — a  rare 
example  of  successful  resistance  to  the  fascinations  of  the 
tempter.  Many  a  democrat  has  fallen  into  the  snare  of  the 
whigs  under  less  allurement.  I  pride  myself  on  this  evi 
dence  of  self-command.  I  have  reason  to  be  proud  of  it." 

"  You  have  a  short  memory,"  said  Mr.  Grant. 

"  Why  as  to  that,  old  friend,"  replied  Fog  with  a  good- 
natured  laugh,  at  the  same  time  laying  his  hand  on  Mr. 


QUODLIBET.  187 

Grant's  shoulder,  "  you  can't  call  that  a  fault.  Every  poli 
tician  has  a  short  memory — he'd  be  no  politician  without  it. 
Mine's  no  shorter  than  the  rest.  Sir,  let  me  tell  you,  the 
great  secret  of  the  success  of  the  immutable,  New  Light, 
Quodlibetarian  Democracy,  is  in  the  shortness  of  the  me 
mory.  Still,  I  would  like  to  know  what  you  mean  by  the 
remark." 

44 1  mean  to  say,"  replied  Mr.  Grant,  "  that  when  you 
and  Nicodemus  Handy  were  endeavoring  to  persuade  me  to 
take  an  interest  in  your  bank,  you  did'nt  think  it  so  unde 
mocratic  as  you  seem  to  do  to  day." 

44  It  is  impossible  for  me  to  remember  what  I  said  on  the 
occasion  to  which  you  allude,  sir,"  returned  Fog;  44  but  my 
principles  have  always  been  the  same.  I  could  not  have 
gone  against  them,  sir;  morally  impossible." 

"And  I  told  you* what  would  happen,"  continued  Mr. 
Grant. 

"Aye,  aye,"  rejoined  Fog;  "that's  the  old  song.  You 
whigs  are  monstrous  good  at  prophesying  after  the  result  is 
known." 

44  You  admit,  I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "  that  this 
Bank  of  Quodlibet  has  exploded?" 

"  Burst,  sir,  into  a  thousand  tatters,"  replied  Fog. 

"  You  admit  that  there  is  a  large  amount  of  paper  money 
afloat?" 

44  A  genuine  Whig  crop,"  answered  Fog:  "  enough  to 
make  a  stack  as  large  as  the  largest  in  your  barn  yard." 

"  You  admit  the  derangement  of  values  all  over  the  coun 
try?" 

44  Yes,  and  of  the  people  too,  if  you  make  it  a  point." 

44  The  failures  of  traders  and  of  banks?" 

•4  Yes." 

44  This  is  reasonable,  Mr.  Fog.  Now,  you  shall  judge 
whether  the  Whigs  prophesy  before  or  after  the  result," 


188  QUODLIBET. 

said  Mr.  Grant,  as  he  thrust  his  hand  into  his  skirt  pocket 
and  drew  forth  a  pamphlet.  "  I  expected  to  meet  you  to 
day,  and  I  have  brought  you  a  document  for  your  especial 
perusal.  It  is  the  speech  of  a  Whig  member  of  congress, 
made  in  1834,  upon  the  Removal  of  the  Deposites; — you  will 
find  the  leaf  turned  down  at  page  32;  and,  as  you  are  a  good 
reader,  I  wish  you  would  favor  this  company  by  reading  it 
aloud,  where  you  see  it  scored  in  the  margin." 

"  Not  I,"  replied  Theodore;  "that's  four  years  ago.  The 
Statute  of  Limitation  bars  that." 

"  He's  afeard  to  read  it,"  said  Abel  Brawn  to  some  five 
or  six  persons,  who  had  collected  round  the  steps  during  this 
conversation.  "  Mr.  Grant's  mighty  particular  with  his 
documents,  and  aint  to  be  shook  off  in  an  argument." 

"  The.  you  aint  afeard,  old  fellow?"  said  Flan  Sucker, 
"  Walk  into  him,  The.  Read  it." 

"  Give  me  the  book,"  said  Fog,  "  and  let's  see  what  it  is. 
Speech  by  Horace  Binney — eh  ?  Who's  he  ?  I  think  T  have 
heard  the  name.  Well,  for  the  sake  of  obliging  a  friend, 
I'll  read. — Conticuere  omnes — which  means  listen." — Fog 
then  read  as  follows  : — 

"  It  is  here  that  we  find  a  pregnant  source  of  the  present 
agony — it  is  in  the  clearly  avowed  design  to  bring  a  second  time 
upon  this  land  the  curse  of  an  unregulated,  uncontrolled  State- 
Bank  paper  currency.  We  are  again  to  see  the  drama  which 
already,  in  the  course  of  the  present  century,  has  passed  before 
us,  and  closed  in  ruin.  If  the  project  shall  be  successful — " 

"What  project?"  inquired  Fog. 

"  The  destruction  of  the  Bank  of  the  United  States,  and 
the  refusal  to  create  another  in  its  place,"  answered  Mr. 
Grant.  .^/ 

Theodore  read  on — 

"If  the  project  shall  be  successful,  we  are  again  to  see  these 
paper  missiles  shooting  in  every  direction  through  the  country — 


QUODLIBET.  189 

a  derangement  of  all  values, — a  depreciated  circulation— a  sus 
pension  of  specie  payments ; — then  a  further  extension  of  the 
same  detestable  paper — a  still  greater  depreciation — with  failures 
of  traders  and  failures  of  banks  in  its  train — to  arrive  at  last  at 
the  same  point  from  which  we  departed  in  1817." 

"  A  rank  forgery:"  said  Theodore  Fog;  "  printed  for  the 
occasion." 

"  That  wont  do,"  replied  Mr.  Grant;  "  I  have  been  the 
owner  of  this  pamphlet  ever  since  1834  myself." 

"Then  Binney  is  a  dimmycrat,"  said  Sim  Travers,  "and 
you  are  trying  to  pass  him  off  on  us  for  a  Whig.  Sound 
dimmycratic  doctrine  and  true  prophecy." 

"  Huzza  for  Binney  !"  shouted  Flan  Sucker,  "  a  tip  top 
dimmycrat,  whoever  he  is ! — I  never  heard  of  him  before." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "  one  ounce  of  his  democracy  is 
worth  a  ton  weight  of  the  best  you  will  find  in  the  Globe. 
But  read  on,  a  little  further  below,  where  you  see  it  scored." 

"  I  have  an  innate  and  mortal  aversion  to  reading." — re 
turned  Fog. 

"  It  must  be  gone  through,"  said  Flan  Sucker, — "because 
them  sentiments  is  the  rale  dimmocracy,  and  we  want  to 
hear  them.  So,  go  it,  The  ! — Yip ! — listen  boys  to  the  doc 
trine." 

"  Well,"  said  Fog,  "  if  you  will  have  it—as  the  Pillory 
said  to  the  thief,  'lend  me  your  ears.'  ' 

"  I  thank  the  Secretary,"  he  began  with  a  discreet  voice, 
reading  where  Mr.  Grant  appointed  for  him — "for  the  disclosure 
of  this  plan.  I  trust  in  God  it  will  be  defeated:  that  the  Bank  of 
the  United  States,  while  it  is  in  existence,  may  be  sustained  and 
strengthened  by  the  public  opinion,  and  interests  of  the  people, 
to  defeat  it:  that  the  sound  and  sober  state  banks  of  the  Union 
may  resist  it — for  it  is  their  cause  :  that  the  poor  men  and 
laborers  iu  the  land  may  resist  it — for  it  is  a  scheme  to  get  from 
every  one  of  them  a  dollar's  worth  of  labor  for  fifty  cents,  and  to 
make  fraud  the  currency  of  the  country  as  much  as  paper.  Sir, 


I/ 


190  QUODLIBET. 

the  Bank  of  the  United  States,  in  any  other  relation  than  to  the 
currency  and  property  of  the  country,  is  as  little  to  me  as  to  any 
man  under  heaven ;  but  after  the  prime  and  vigor  of  life  are 
passed,  and  the  power  of  accumulation  is  gone,  to  see  the  chil 
dren  stripped,  by  the  monstrous  imposture  of  a  pa.per  currency, 
of  all  that  the  father's  industry  had  provided  for  them — this,  sir, 
may  well  excuse  the  warmth  that  denounces  this  plan,  as  the 
precursor  of  universal  dismay  and  ruin." 

"I'll  read  no  more,"  said  Fog,  giving  back  the  book,  with 
a  theatrical  flourish  of  his  arm,  to  Mr.  Grant;  "  it  is  nothing 
more  than  stealing  our  principles  from  us,  and  then  bringing 
them  up  to  break  our  heads." 

"  It  is  good  Whig  prophecy,  four  years  before  its  fulfil 
ment,"  said  Mr.  Grant,  "  and  which  has  come  true  to  the 
letter.  It  shows  you  that  we  set  our  faces  against  your  in 
crease  of  Banks  in  the  very  beginning; — gave  you  warning 
of  what  was  to  come; — painted  the  very  evils  of  this  day  so 
plainly  before  your  eyes  that  nothing  but  wilful  blindness 
prevented  you  from  seeing  them; — and  now,  when  it  has  all 
fallen  out  as  it  was  foretold,  you  attempt  to  make  us  respon 
sible  to  the  people  for  your  measures." 

"  Sir,"  said  Fog,  rather  evading  the  argument,  as  it  is  an 
I  admirable  part  of  the  New  Light  system  to  do  when  it 
pinches,  "  the  New  Light  Democracy  changes  its  measures, 
but  never  its  principles.  We  go,  sir,  for  the  will  of  the 
people — that's  the  principle  which  lies  at  the  bottom  of  all 
our  actions.  If  the  people  are  for  new  measures,  we  frankly 
come  out  with  them.  Now,  sir,  the  people  are  against 
the  Banks — they  are  for  the  Independent  Treasury:  of 
course,  then,  you  know  where  to  find  us.  You  can't  get 
round  us — there  we  are." 

"  I'll  not  dispute  that  point  with  you,"  replied  Mr.  Grant; 
"  you  have  been  changing  from  bad  to  worse  ever  since  you 
have  had  the  control  of  affairs.  I  only  wanted  to  remind 


QtfODLIBET.  191 

you  that  the  present  distress  of  the  country  is  the  work  of 
your  own  hands,  and  that  you  have  brought  it  about  with 
your  eyes  open." 

Saying  these  words  Mr.  Grant  walked  off  towards  the 
stable,  where  he  mounted  his  horse  and  rode  out  of  the 
Borough. 

As  soon  as  the  old  gentleman  was  gone,  Theodore  Fog 
remarked  that  he  had  not  had  as  dry  a  talk  for  some  years, 
and  proposed  to  the  company  a  general  visit  to  the  Bar. 

"  They  talk  of  distress,'1  said  he.  "  Mr.  Grant  has  gone 
off  with  his  head  full  of  that  notion  of  distress;  it's  a  famous 
Whig  argument,  that.  But  what  distress  is  there?  Drink- 
ing's  as  cheap — eating's  as  cheap  as  ever — so  is  lying. 
Eating,  drinking  and  lying  are  the  three  principal  occupa 
tions  of  man.  Lying  down,  I  mean,  metaphorically  for 
sleeping.  Where's  the  distress,  then?  Mere  panic — false 
alarm — a  Whig  invention!  The  country  is  better  off  than 
it  ever  was  before.  Not  for  men  who  trade  upon  credit,  I 
allow — not  for  merchants  and  shippers  in  general — not  for 
your  fellows  that  go  about  for  jobs — not  for  farmers — not 
for  regular  laborers — not  for  mechanics,  with  families  on 
their  hands,  and  perhaps  not  for  single  ones  neither; — but 
firsf-rate  for  lawyers,  barkeepers,  and  brokers,  for  marshals 
and  sheriffs— capital  for  constables — nonparel  for  postmas 
ters,  contractors,  express  riders,  and  office  holders;  and  glo 
rious  for  fellows  that  are  fond  of  talking  and  have  nothing 
to  do: — these  are  the  very  gristle  of  the  New  Light  Demo 
cracy,  and  make  a  genteel  majority  at  the  elections." 

"  Mr.  Fog,"  said  Jesse  Ferret,  "  I  am  so  well  pleased  at 
your  reading  for  Mr.  Grant  this  morning,  that  I'm  deter 
mined  to  give  you  a  treat: — help  yourself  and  your  friends. 
Gentlemen,  walk  up." 

"  Glad  you  liked  it,  old  buck,"  replied  Fog.  «« Bless 
your  heart,  I'm  used  to  such  things.  A  political  man  must 


192  QUODLIBET. 

always  be  ready  for  rubbers;  never  would  get  a  gloss  if  it 
wasn't  for  brushing.  That  Binney's  a  d — d  smart  fellow — 
but  every  word  of  that  speech  was  whispered  into  his  ear 
by  Benton — I  know  the  fact  personally.  He  and  Benton 
sit  up  every  night  of  their  lives  together  in  Washington, 
playing  Old  Sledge  and  drinking  cocktail:— that  accounts 
for  Binney's  democracy.  Gentlemen,  our  friend  Ferret's 
treat — we'll  drink  his  health — a  worthy,  persuadable,  ame 
nable  man — so  here's  to  him.  Wait  for  the  word — Jesse 
Ferret,  a  gentleman  and  a  scholar,  an  antiquarian  and  a 
tavernkeeper — long  life  to  him!" 


ClUODLIBET.  193 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

A  RAPID  REVIEW  OF  ONE  YEAR. — WHAT  THE  AUTHOR  IS  COMPELLED  TO 
PRETERMIT.— THE  PRESIDENT'S  "SOBER  SECONDTHOTCHT"  MESSAGE 
RECEIVED  AT  QUODLIBET  WITH  GREAT  REJOICING. — THE  AUTHOR  COM 
MUNES  WITH  HIS  READER  TOUCHING  NEW  LIGHT  PRINCIPLES. — ILLUS 
TRATIONS  OP  THEM.— REMARKABLE  DEXTERITY  OF  MR.  WOODBURY. 

INTERESTING  LETTER  FROM  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM. — DAWNINO 
OF  THE  PRESIDENTIAL  CANVASS. — THE  NORTHERN  MAN  WITH  SOUTH 
ERN  PRINCIPLES  AND  HIS  MANNIKIN. 

TIME  held  his  course.  Another  year  went  by,  and 
brought  us  to  the  Sixth  since  the  Removal.  The  year 
which  I  pass  over,  was  marked  by  many  public  and  domes 
tic  incidents  worthy  of  note  in  the  history  of  Quodlibet. 
Gladly  would  I  have  tarried  to  entertain  my  reader  with 
some  of  these — but  I  am  admonished  of  the  necessity  of 
bringing  these  desultory  annals  to  a  clos:\  Especially  might 
I  find  much  to  interest  many  of  those  who  will  peruse  these 
pages,  in  the  private  and  personal  affairs  of  the  Borough ; 
some  of  the  events  of  the  bygone  year  being  of  a  nature  to 
kindle  up  pathetic  emotions  in  their  bosoms.  The  blank 
despair  of  Agamemnon  Flag  when  he  first  heard  of  the 
flight  of  Nicodemus  Handy; — his  melancholy  visits  of  con 
solation  to  the  bereaved  family;  the  disinterested  avowal  of 
his  long-smothered  and  smouldering  love  to  the  heiress  ap 
parent;  and  his  offer  of  his  hand  and  fortune — consisting  of 
a  new  suit  of  clothes  and  a  horse  and  gig,  purchased  on 
credit — to  this  dejected  lady;  his  still  blanker  despair,  his 
17 


194  QUODLIBET. 

disappointment  and  vows  of  revenge  when,  after  listening  to 
his  suit,  he  found  it  announced  that  she  had  sailed  without 
him,  to  make  the  grand  tour  of  Europe; — and  finally,  the 
stoical  philosophy  with  which  he  renounced  all  claim  to  the 
reversionary  interest  in  the  one  hundred  and  sixty  thousand 
dollars  taken  from  the  bank,  as  well  as  the  net  proceeds  of 
Handy  Place,  and  the  rows  of  buildings,  finished  and  un 
finished,  in  Quodlibet — these  incidents  would  furnish  an 
episode  of  tenderness  and  passion  without  a  parallel  since 
the  Medea  of  Euripides. 

But  these  excursions  are  foreign  from  the  purpose  of  this 
book,  and  I  am  sure  would  be  disallowed  by  the  respectable 
committee  at  whose  instance  I  have  entered  upon  this  task. 
Indeed,  they  have  explicitly  enjoined  that  I  divulge  nothing 
under  their  sanction,  touching  the  concerns  of  Quodlibet 
which  in  any  manner  borders  upon  the  romantic.  Upon 
these  subjects,  their  caution  is,  Nulli  tacuisse  nocet,  tutum 
silentii  praemium.  I  must,  therefore,  reluctantly  pretermit 
all  such  matter — reserving  for  some  other  occasion,  the  gra 
tification  of  the  public  curiosity  therein. 

In  looking  back  upon  the  public  events  of  this  interval,  I 
deem  it  necessary,  in  passing,  merely  to  notice  the  fact  that 
the  New  Lights  were  greatly  rejoiced  to  find  in  Mr.  Van 
Buren's  message  to  congress  a  complete  justification  of  Mr. 
Woodbury's  promise  to  Mr.  Flam,  the  import  of  which  was 
to  assure  our  representative  that  the  President  had  made  up 
his  mind,  after  the  rejection  of  that  measure,  to  carry  the 
Independent  Treasury  in  spite  of  the  people.  Our  uncom 
promising,  fearless,  and  unshakeable  Quods,  true  to  the 
dictates  of  their  creed,  were,  I  repeat,  greatly  rejoiced  at  the 
manly  perseverance  and  unquenchable  self-will  with  which 
the  President  delivered  over  that  question  to  the  "Sober 
Second  Thoughts"  (a  pest  upon  the  unlucky  coincidence 
of  that  phrase  with  my  patronymic! — it  hath  given  license 


QUODLIBET.  195 

to  the  tongues  of  the  wags,  to  my  annoyance)  of  the  peo 
ple.  Every  good  New  Light  democrat  in  the  land  under 
stood  the  hint — and  a  presidential  hint  is  no  small  matter  to 
a  democrat  now-a-days.  Truly  delightful  was  it  to  see  how 
it  acted  upon  the  New  Lights.  Not  a  man  amongst  them 
who  had  hitherto  halted  on  a  scruple  of  conscience,  but  be 
came  thereupon,  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye,  a  devoted  cham 
pion  of  the  Independent  Treasury; — and  that,  too,  without 
knowing,  or  caring  to  know,  what  it  was.  It  was  hoisted 
in  capitals,  at  the  head  of  Eliphalet  Fox's  Weekly,  and  be 
came  forthwith,  as  it  were,  a  word  written  on  our  banner. 
We  were,  one  and  all,  converted  into  milites  subsignani,  and 
became  the  Maccabees  of  this  new  kind  of  Independent 
Treasury. 

It  has  doubtless  often  occurred  to  the  reader  of  this  irre 
gular  history  to  inquire  how  it  comes  to  pass  that  the  histo 
rian  has  ventured  to  relate  with  such  composure,  nay,  with 
such  complacency,  what  superficial  thinkers,  at  least,  might 
deem  to  be  the  changes  in  the  political  principles  of  the 
New  Lights.  Superficial  is  a  good  word  and  truly  explains 
the  case.  Our  principles,  as  every  one  who  is  gifted  with 
sufficient  astuteness  could  not  fail  to  have  observed  through 
out  this  narrative — and  as,  in  fact,  we  have  more  than  once 
insinuated — are  much  deeper  than  the  measures  we,  from 
time  to  time,  find  it  convenient  to  adopt.  We  hold  a  change 
of  measures,  a  change  of  opinions,  a  change  of  doctrine  and 
even  a  change  of  established  facts  as  nothing.  But  a  change  of 
men  we  totally  abhor,  a  change  of  office,  unless  in  the  way  of 
promotion,  we  utterly  discountenance;  and  a  change  from  a 
majority  to  a  minority  we  execrate  as  wholly  abominable, 
detestable,  and,  in  no  wise  to  be  endured.  Now,  in  our 
creed,  men,  officers,  and  majorities  make  up  the  complex 
idea  of  what  we  denominate  principle.  The  whole  scope 
of  the  New  Light  Philosophy  is,  by  the  vigor  of  this  thing 


196  Q.UODLIBET. 

principle,  as  I  have  defined  it,  to  keep  the  Whigs  down  and 
our  modern  shool  of  New  Light  Democrats  up.  We 
proudly  appeal  to  our  past  history  to  sustain  our  consistency 
in  this  pursuit.  Let  any  dispassionate  observer  trace  our 
meanderings  through  the  last  ten  years:  he  will  see  the  effi 
cacy  of  our  system  manifested  in  the  wonderful,  the  almost 
miraculous  conversion  of  Old  Blue  Light  Federalists,  and 
Federalists  of  every  hue,  into  the  Born  Veterans  of  Democ 
racy,  and  in  investing  these  worthy  relics  of  ancient  patrio 
tism  with  the  most  profitable  offices  in  the  gift  of  the  gov 
ernment.  He  will  see  it  in  the  merciless  war — bellum  ad 
internecionem — waged  by  our  forces  in  the  name  of  the 
People,  against  credit,  commerce  and  industry:  he  will  re 
mark  how  abundantly,  and,  as  it  were,  by  magic,  it  has  fed 
the  nation  upon  the  economical,  and  therefore  republican 
food  of  promises,  relating  to  a  sound  currency — especially 
those  referring  to  the  gold  and  silver,  whilst  it  was  stealing 
along  into  the  cheap  and  convenient  system  of  a  government 
paper  in  the  shape  of  Treasury  notes.  And  he  will  observe, 
with  unfeigned  surprise  and  redoubled  admiration,  how 
effectually  it  has  secured  to  us  the  services  and  the  money 
of  the  most  opulent  individuals  in  the  land,  and  of  the  larg 
est  corporations  created  by  the  states — in  a  most  signal  de 
gree  those  concerned  in  public  works — whilst  it  preaches 
against  wealth,  chartered  privileges  and  monopolies;  and,  by 
its  zeal  against  them,  has  enlisted  almost  every  penniless 
man,  every  wasted  bankrupt,  and  every  cracked  reputation 
in  the  Union  upon  our  side.  But  we  have  a  still  more 
illustrious  exemplification  of  the  practical  value  of  our  phi 
losophy  in  the  address  with  which  affairs  are  managed  by 
the  head  of  the  Treasury. 

Amos  Kendall's  letter  of  directions  to  the  Hon.  Middle- 
ton  Flam,  with  which  my  readers  have  been  favored  in  a 
previous  chapter,  it  will  be  remembered,  required  the  New 


QUODLIBET.  19? 

Lights  to  support  the  Independent  Treasury,  and  as  neces 
sary  thereto,  to  take  ground  against  the  State  Banks,  as  alto 
gether  unsafe  depositories  of  the  public  money.  He  fur 
ther  intimated,  supposing  we  might  be  diffident  about  this, 
that  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  had  already  furnished 
evidence  of  this  fact,  and  would,  at  the  proper  time,  make 
it  manifest  that  the  Government  had  lost  more  money  by 
the  banks  than  by  any  other  agents  it  had  ever  trusted.  Our 
club  had  never  before  been  aware  that  Mr.  Woodbury  had 
reversed  his  old  opinions  on  this  grave  question,  and  we, 
therefore,  lost  no  time  in  making  a  call  upon  our  member 
for  information.  Great  anxiety  was  felt  to  possess  the  Se 
cretary's  views.  A  substantial  vindication  of  the  Indepen 
dent  Treasury  in  this  aspect,  by  the  overthrow  of  the  banks 
on  the  authority  of  the  man  who  had  built  them  up,  was  a 
desideratum  which  we  all  acknowledged;  and  its  success 
we  were  prepared  to  regard  as  the  greatest  triumph  of  the 
New  Light  principle,  to  be  accomplished  through  the  influ 
ence  of  that  matchless  Secretary,  "  whose  mind,"  as  The 
odore  Fog  once  remarked,  "  was  endued  with  a  radiating 
faculty  sufficiently  intense  to  light  up  the  bottom  of  a  bog, 
impart  a  vitreous  translucency  to  the  home  of  the  frog,  and 
illuminate  the  abode  of  the  bat  with  a  lustre  more  brilliant 
than  that  which  glittered  through  the  boudoirs  of  the  palace 
of  Aladdin."  We  were  aware  that  in  1834  his  duty  re 
quired  him  to  prove  that  the  State  Banks,  whilst  unmolested 
by  the  vexatious  presence  of  a  Bank  of  the  United  States, 
were  the  safest  of  all  possible  custodiaries  of  the  people's 
money;  aud  that  it  was  the  Monster  Bank  alone  which  inca 
pacitated  them  to  fulfil  their  engagements  to  the  Govern 
ment — thonce  deducing  the  fact,  that  when  the  monster  was 
dead,  the  public  funds  could  be  no  otherwise  than  safe  in 
their  keeping.  We  were  aware  that  at  that  time  it  was 
more  particularly  his  duty  to  praise  the  State  Banks,  because 

17* 


198  QUODLIBET. 

the  unprincipled  Whigs  denied  the  fact  of  their  safety,  and 
opposed  the  scheme  of  giving  them  the  public  treasure,  on 
the  very  ground  that  the  Government  had  been  a  heavy 
loser  by  them  from  the  period  of  the  war  up  to  the  date  of 
the  charter  of  the  Bank.  We  had  read  carefully  his  report 
of  the  12th  of  December  in  that  year,  and  remembered  these 
words: 

"It  is  a  remarkable  fact  connected  with  this  inquiry,  though 
often  represented  otherwise,  that  not  a  single  selected  state  bank 
failed  between  the  expiration  of  the  old  charter  and  the  grant  of 
the  new  one;  and  that  none  of  our  losses  included  in  our  una 
vailable  funds,  happened  until  sometime  in  1817,  after  the  United 
States  Bank  was  in  operation." 

This,  and  some  other  facts  culled  from  the  same  report, 
constituted  the  armory  of  weapons  by  which  our  club  so 
manfully  fought  and  prostrated  the  croaking  and  factious 
Whigs  of  Quodlibet,  when,  in  their  ravings,  they  predicted 
loss  from  our  employment  of  the  pet  banks.  But  the  New 
Lights  being  now  ordered  to  take  another  tack,  and  being 
promised  a  good  fabrication  of  facts  to  fortify  our  position, 
we  rested  on  our  arms  like  soldiers  confident  in  the  talents 
of  their  general  to  intrench  them  in  their  new  camp,  secure 
against  every  charge  of  the  enemy.  Mr.  Flam  lost  no  time 
in  providing  us  with  the  Secretary's  report  of  February  '27th, 
1838.  Mr.  Woodbury  did  not  deceive  our  hopes.  This 
luminous  paper  carried  demonstration  on  its  wings  and  refu 
tation  in  its  footsteps.  Prodigious  man !  Enormous  func 
tionary  !  Brightest  of  ministers !  Samson  of  the  New 
Lights !  Aaron  and  Moses  both  in  one,  of  our  Democratic, 
Quodlibetarian,  Golden-calf  worshipping  Israelites  (I  speak 
symbolically,  and  not  in  derogation  of  the  anxiously-looked- 
for  and  long-desired  Bentonian  coin).  He  but  touched  the 
rock  of  New  Light  faith,  and  forth  gushed  the  facts  like 


QUODLIBET.  199 

water — yea,   and  arguments  like  milk  and  water.     With 
what  gratulation  did  we  read — 

"The  loss  to  the  Treasury  by  taking  depreciated  notes,  in 
1814,  '15,  '16,  and  '17,  is  estimated  at  quite  five  millions  five 
hundred  thousand  dollars;  and  there  is  now  on  hand  of  such 
notes  then  received  and  never  paid  away,  or  collected,  about 
eighty  thousand  dollars  more." 

There  was  a  conclusive  argument  to  all  that  the  Whigs 
might  have  urged  in  favor  of  the  safety  of  State  Banks,  if 
they  had  thought  proper  to  defend  them;  and,  in  truth,  it  was 
some  little  mortification  to  us  that  our  adversaries  did  not 
come  out  in  favor  of  the  banks,  when  we  were  so  well  pro 
vided  with  facts  to  put  them  down.  But  they,  with  that 
remarkable  obstinacy  which  has  ever  characterised  them 
and  which  is  altogether  behind  the  age,  stuck  to  their  old 
opinions  and  left  us  without  any  thing  to  controvert,  except, 
indeed,  our  own  facts  of  1834. 

This  instance,  however,  serves  to  show  with  what  ma 
jestic  bounds  the  New  Lights  have  passed  over  the  broad 
field  of  measures,  and  with  what  facile  and  graceful  dexte 
rity  they  have  refuted  that  antiquated  and  vulgar  adage 
which  stigmatises  facts  as  stubborn  things.  Thus  the 
beauty  of  this  unrivalled  philosophy  consists  in  the  harmony 
with  which  it  reconciles  past  times  with  the  present,  with 
which  it  dovetails  discordant  principles,  with  which  it  brings 
into  brotherhood  elements  the  most  repulsive,  facts  the 
most  antagonistical,  men  the  most  variant,  and  contingen 
cies  the  most  impossible;  which  converts  every  man  into 
a  Janus,  every  highway  into  a  labyrinth,  every  beacon  into 
a  lighthouse — giving  to  falsehood  the  value  of  truth,  to 
shadow  the  usefulness  of  substance,  and  to  concealment  the 
estimation  of  candor.  Truly  is  it  the  great  discovery  of 
modern  times!  My  reader,  I  trust,  will  not,  now  that  I 


200  QUODLIBET. 

have  opened  his  understanding  to  the  perception  of  this  sub 
lime  spell-working  philosophy,  allow  himself  henceforth  to 
question  the  laudable  sentiment  of  approbation  with  which  I 
have  developed  the  practical  operation  of  this  theory  in  the 
history  of  Quodlibet. 

There  was  another  matter  worthy  of  remark  in  the  events 
of  the  year,  which  I  must  cursorily  notice  before  I  proceed 
to  the  era  with  which  I  propose  presently  to  ocqupy  my 
readers.  The  Presidential  election  was  now  in  view,  and 
received  that  grave  consideration  from  the  members  of  Con 
gress  which  they  are  in  the  habit  of  giving  to  every  thing 
in  Washington  except  the  trifling  business  of  making  laws. 
Our  diligent  and  watchful  representatives,  some  time  before 
the  close  of  the  short  session,  wrote  to  our  club  a  letter  full  of 
important  advice  for  our  guidance  in  the  affairs  of  the 
approaching  canvass  for  the  Presidency. 

Amongst  other  valuable  disclosures,  "The  Whigs,"  said 
he,  "  are  to  hold  a  Convention  at  Harrisburg.  Harry 
Clay,  or,  as  they  term  him,  Harry  of  the  West,  is  to  be 
their  man; — at  least,  so  we  suspect.  Whoever  he  be,  we 
have  made  up  our  minds  as  to  our  course — he  is  to  be  run 
down  in  the  South  as  an  abolitionist.  Abolition  is  the 
best  hobby  we  have  had  since  the  death  of  the  Monster. 
We  have  already  broken  ground;  and  if  Kendall  and  Blair 
can't  prove  Clay  or  any  body  else  to  be  an  abolitionist,  the 
d — 1's  in  it:  their  right  hand  will  have  forgotten  its  cunning. 
The  Globe  is  full  of  the  matter  already.  Tell  Eliphalet 
Fox  to  begin  at  once  and  bark  in  the  same  key: — all  the 
little  dogs  are  expected  to  yelp  after  the  old  hound — or  as 
Pickens  calls  him,  the  Galvanised  Corpse:  many  of  them 
are  at  it  lustily  now.  In  1836,  Van's  principles  were 
luckily  northern; — so  we  have  resolved  to  let  them  have  full 
swing  beyond  the  Potomac,  and  to  put  him  in  masquerade 
for  the  South.  We  rely  implicitly  on  the  stolidity  of 


QUODLIBET.  201 

Pennsylvania:  and  shall  secure  New  York  by  a  concession 
to  her  Banks,  which  for  the  time  we  mean  to  treat  amiably. 
Our  chief  aim  is  the  South:  we  have  made  the  nullifier  a 
captain,  and  he  is  willing  now  to  swallow  the  Proclamation, 
the  corruptions,  and  Blair,  without  even  a  wry  face.  This 
Great  Girouette  has  become  so  loose  on  his  pivot,  that  after  a 
few  more  gyrations,  he  will  be  twisted  off  the  rod,  and  we 
shall  have  no  further  trouble  with  him.  Van,  in  the  mean 
time,  being  thoroughly  imbued  with  the  New  Light  Quod- 
libetarian  democracy,  has  consented  for  the  benefit  of  our 
cause  south  of  Potomac,  to  be  dubbed,  "  The  Northern  man 
with  Southern  principles" — remember  that,  and  tell  Fox  to 
ring  the  changes  on  it  in  every  paper.  We  have  hired  a 
New  Hampshire  man  to  play  clown  to  Van;  and  he  somer 
sets  when  his  master  does.  This  has  a  most  striking  effect. 
We  call  him  the  mannikin  of  the  North,  with  Southern 
principles — Van's  mignonette.  Our  contract  required  him 
to  bring  in  the  anti-abolition  resolutions  touching  the  peti 
tions;  and  although  he  could  not  venture  against  the  recep 
tion,  he  has  bolted  down  all  the  rest,  totidem  verbis  et 
sylhibis,  as  we  wrote  them  for  him; — the  reception  we 
struck 'out  to  accommodate  the  democratic  abolitionism  of 
his  district.  The  effect  of  this  coup  d'etat  was  magical; 
and  having  gagged  Wise  and  the  rest  of  the  Whigs  with 
the  Previous  Question,  we  have  left  them  in  a  state  of  un 
natural  retention  which  threatens  to  prove  fatal.  It  is 
universally  considered  here  a  most  lucky  hit — Van  and  the 
Mannikin;  and  we  shall,  with  these  performers,  play  "  The 
Northern  Man  with  Southern  principles,"  to  crowded 
houses.  Keep  it  going! — and  don't  forget,  Clay  is  an  abo 
litionist.  If  the  Harrisburg  convention  nominates  any  body 
else — the  same  paragraphs  will  suit  him; — Mutato  nomine 
de  te  fabula  narretur.  Get  the  secretary  to  translate  that. 
Be  discreet,  and  show  this  letter  only  to  the  faithful." 


202  QUODLIBET. 

It  may  be  readily  imagined  that  our  Club  was  thrown 
into  ecstacy  by  this  confidential  missive.  Being  the  custo- 
diary  of  the  letter,  I  have  ventured,  without  the  permission 
of  the  Club,  to  incorporate  it  in  these  annals;  taking  upon 
myself  the  risk  of  their  displeasure  rather  than  withhold  so 
fine  a  specimen  of  the  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  democracy; 
— and  indeed  I  can  see  no  reason  why  the  world  shouldn't 
have  it.  We  have  no  secrets  amongst  the  New  Lights. 

I  proceed  now  to  the  Fourth  Era  in  these  annals. 


QUODLIBET.  203 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

FOURTH    ERA. THE    HON.    MIDDLETON    FLAM    RE-ELECTED. — THE    NEW 

LIGHTS    DETERMINE   TO    STIGMATISE    THE   WHIGS    AS    FEDERALISTS. 

SAVAGE  ASSAULT  UPON  MR.  FLAM  BY  "  THE  WHOLE  TEAM"  IN  CONSE 
QUENCE. — THAT  GREAT  MAN'S  INSTRUCTIONS  IN  REGARD  TO  THE  PRESI 
DENTIAL  CANVASS.— NOMINATION  OF  HARRISON  AND  TYLER.— COURSE 
OF  THE  NEW  LIGHTS. — FORMATION  OF  THE  GRAND  CENTRAL  COMMIT 
TEE  OF  UNFLINCHING  NEW  LIGHT  QUODLIBETARIAN  DEMOCRATS. — ITS 
PRESIDENT,  SECRETARY  AND  PLACE  OF  MEETING. 

IN  the  Autumn  of  1839,  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  was 
again  our  candidate  for  congress.  He  was  opposed  by  the 
celebrated  John  Smith  of  Thoroughblue.  This  contest  was 
marked  by  one  conspicuous  feature :  we  had  completely 
succeeded  in  appropriating  to  our  party  the  name  of  demo 
crats — at  least  we  had  labored  very  hard  to  do  so;— our  next 
move  was  to  get  up  the  old  hue  and  cry  of  Federalism 
against  the  Whigs.  This  required  great  boldness;  but 
Middleton  Flam  entered  upon  the  endeavor  with  the  intre 
pidity  of  a  hero.  Eliphalet  Fox  walked  in  his  footsteps, 
and  from  all  quarters,  simultaneously  and  by  a  well  managed 
concert,  the  cry  of  Federalist  was  poured  forth  upon  our 
opponents;  and  Henry  Clay  especially — as  we  counted  on 
him  for  the  Presidential  candidate — was  proved  to  be  tainted 
with  Federalism  beyond  all  hope  of  bleaching  it  out. 

This  artifice  of  ours,  so  skilfully  carried  into  practice  by  Mr. 
Flam,  excited  the  Whigs  into  the  manifestation  of  a  ferocity 
altogether  incredible.  I  do  not  mean  to  dwell  upon  the 


204  QUODLIBET. 

events  of  the  election;  but  I  cannot  forbear  noticing  the 
savage  conduct  of  "  The  Thoroughblue  Whole  Team"  on 
this  occasion.  With  that  view,  and  in  order  that  posterity 
may  be  informed  to  what  lengths  the  spirit  of  detraction  was 
carried  in  this  memorable  struggle  for  the  ascendancy  of  the 
New  Light  Quodlibetarian  principles,  I  have  thought  it  my 
duty  to  transcribe  an  entire  editorial  article  from  the  reckless 
print  I  have  just  named.  It  will  show  how  blind  was  its 
author  to  the  beauties  of  our  system;  how  faint  a  percep 
tion  he  had  of  the  merits  of  that  great  discovery  in  political 
philosophy,  which  sheds  such  lustre  on  the  present  age. 
Verily,  posterity  will  find  reason  to  wonder  at  the  dulness 
of  this  our  generation  ! 

The  infatuated  and  angry  Augustus  Postlethwaite  Tomp- 
kinson  thus  discourses,  as  he  imagined,  to  the  prejudice  of 
our  great  and  growing  party  and  its  honored  Representative : 

«  THE  HON.  MIDDLETON  FLAM  AND  HIS 
NEW  LIGHT  COHORTS. 

"  The  most  contemptible  exhibition  that  we  can  conceive, 
is  that  of  a  troop  of  renegade  democrats,  led  by  the  nose  by 
a  renegade  Federalist: — Democrats  scourged  by  the  party 
whip  into  the  ranks,  and  degraded  into  flatterers  and  slaves 
of  the  Executive; — a  Federalist  affecting  fellowship  with 
Jacobins,  Agrarians,  Infidels  and  Fanny  Wright's  men. 
What  can  be  more  base  than  a  herd  of  mock  Democrats  pro 
fessing  free  opinion,  free  suffrage  and  equal  rights,  yet  neither 
daring  to  think,  speak  nor  act  but  as  the  President's  orders 
shall  reach  them  through  the  lips  of  a  self-appointed  and 
self-seeking  leader,  recently  a  deserter  from  the  rank  fold, 
though  not  from  the  service  of  Federalism?  Amongst  mean 
figures,  what  is  meaner  than  the  sons  of  the  ancient  democra 
cy  following  the  path  and  obeying  the  beck  of  a  man  who  de 
spised  their  sires,  who  now  holds  no  communion  with  them 


QUODLIBET.  205 

but  to  command,  and  who  secretly  indulges  towards  them 
no  other  sentiments  than  derision  and  scorn  ?  Mr.  Flam  is 
of  a  tribe  of  gentlemen  Federalists,  who  have  had  the  skill 
or  good  luck  to  subjugate  the  more  weak  and  credulous  of 
the  Democracy,  and  who  are  entitled  to  the  gratifying  dis 
tinction  of  having  done  more  to  disgrace  the  ashes  of  their 
fathers,  and  to  heap  obloquy  upon  their  former  comrades,  than 
all  their  old-time  enemies  could  ever  accomplish.  By  the 
ravenous  appetite  with  which  they  have  sought  office  from 
the  hand  that  smote  them  ;  by  the  alacrity  with  which  they 
have  surrendered  their  honor  and  consented  to  wear  an  ap 
pellation  which,  from  their  cradles,  they  were  taught  to 
abhor  as  an  insult; — above  all,  by  the  unutterable  baseness, 
with  which  they  obey  the  behest  of  the  President,  enjoining 
them  to  persevere  in  stamping  their  own  cherished  name  of 
'  Federalists,'  as  a  signification  of  ignominy,  upon  the  friends 
they  have  betrayed,  no  less  than  upon  the  enemy  who  con 
quered  them  in  former  fields,  they  have  at  last  afforded  the 
only  justification  to  be  found,  in  all  the  past  history  of  their 
party,  for  that  charge  of  treachery  to -the  country,  which 
was  always  imputed  to  them  by  their  adversaries,  and  which 
the  mass  of  the  nation  believed. 

"  This  recent,  unparallelled  perfidy  in  so  large  a  number  of 
renegades,  will  long  be  cited  as  conclusive  confirmation  of 
that  vulgar  opinion,  which  has  ever  denied  that  the  Federal 
party,  in  its  best  day,  was  either  patriotic  or  honest.  To 
see  these  men  assiduously  courting  the  multitude  they  have 
always  reviled;  to  hear  them  inveighing  against  the  rich 
they  always  fawned  on,  and  at  the  same  time  attempting  to 
stigmatise  every  man  who  struggles  after  a  decent  compe 
tence  in  life  as  an  aristocrat! — especially  to  hear  them  de 
nouncing  the  thousands  of  estimable  citizens,  whose  talents 
and  industry  have  raised  them  from  poverty  to  independence, 
18 


206  QUODLIBET. 

as  enemies  of  the  poor — and  all  for  the  sake  of  that  little 
significance  or  emolument  which,  through  a  long  night  of 
travail,  they  have  discovered  by  no  other  than  this  meanness, 
they  could  obtain — is  certainly  the  most  despicable  sacri 
fice  of  character  which  cupidity,  avarice  and  low  ambition 
have  ever  presented  to  the  view  of  any  nation." 

Alas!  no  straggling  beam  of  the  New  Light  has  yet  pene 
trated  the  benighted  Whig  region  of  Thoroughblue — else  I 
shonld  not  have  had  to  record  this  merciless  assault  upon 
one  of  the  most  exalted  characters  of  our  times.  Of  course 
this  shaft  fell  harmless — "quidquid  in  buccam  venerit,  stul- 
tus  loquitur" — the  fool's  bolt  is  soon  shot.  Notwithstanding 
this  diatribe,  Middleton  Flam  still  exists — vivet  et  valet. 
Yea,  under  this  very  hailstorm  of  vituperation,  he  was 
again  elected  to  the  honorable  post  which  he  now  fills,  by 
an  increased  majority. 

We  had  now  two  great  points  settled  with  reference  to 
the  canvass  for  the  Presidency:  the  Whig  candidate  was  to 
be  brought  into  disgrace  as  an  Abolitionist  and  a  Federalist. 
Mr.  Flam  gave  our  club  every  assurance  that  these  two 
charges  combined  would  destroy  the  purest  man  that  ever 
lived;  and  that  it  was  only  necessary  to  drive  these  spikes 
with  a  sledgehammer  every  day,  and  the  democracy  in  the 
end  could  not  fail  to  believe  in  the  existence  and  in  the 
enormity  of  these  offences,  no  matter  who  should  be  brought 
out  by  the  Whigs — whether  Scott,  Clay,  Harrison  or  Web 
ster. 

But  we  had  pretty  conclusively  made  up  our  minds  that 
Clay  was  to  be  the  man;  and  our  club  in  consequence  imme 
diately  set  about  procuring  the  materials  for  a  biography 
of  that  statesman,  designed  to  demonstrate  that  he  had  all 
his  life  been  a  Hartford  Conventionist  in  sentiment,  and  an 
unsparing  enemy  of  Southern  institutions.  This  task  was 
consigned  to  Eliphabet  Fox,  who  very  soon  amassed  a 


QUODLIBET.  207 

wonderful  amount  of  matter  exactly  to  our  purpose.  In 
this,  Eliphabet  gave  evidence  of  his  usual  skill;  as  his  facts 
were  so  contrived  that  they  might  be  used  with  equal  suc 
cess  against  either  of  the  four  above  named,  or  indeed  any 
one  else  who  might  be  brought  forward:  but  as  Eliphalet 
had  a  particular  hatred  for  Mr.  Clay,  and  was  more  accus 
tomed  to  defame  him  than  any  other  great  man  in  the 
nation,  the  compilation  was  imbued  with  a  spirit  that  would 
have  been  much  more  effective  in  breaking  down  Mr.  Clay's 
reputation  than  that  of  either  of  the  others. 

Great  was  the  sensation  produced  in  Quodlibet,  great  was 
our  mortification,  and  great  our  surprise  upon  receiving  the 
news  in  December  from  Harrisburg.  The  convention  actu 
ally  passed  by  Mr.  Clay,  passed  by  the  great  claims  of 
Scott  and  Webster,  and  brought  out  General  William  Henry 
Harrison,  together  with  John  Tyler  for  the  Vice  Presidency; 
— thus,  by  a  perversity  which,  on  all  important  occasions, 
distinguishes  the  Whigs,  putting  the  two  old  horses  of  1836 
upon  the  course. 

Mr.  Flam  was  now  at  Washington.  Our  Club  met  and 
immediately  opened  a  correspondence  with  him  for  advice. 
"  Keep  your  eye  on  the  Globe,"  was  his  first  admonition. 
His  second  was,  "  Open  upon  Harrison  your  Abolition  bat 
teries; — swear  that  the  nomination  was  procured  by  the 
Emancipator;-— charge  Tyler  with  being  a  slave  holder,  and 
send  that  off  to  New  Hampshire; — prove  that  Harrison  was 
a  stark  Federalist  by  accepting  an  Ensigncy  from  the  hands 
of  Washington; — but,  above  all,  turn  him  into  derision  for 
his  poverty  and  plain  habits." 

It  was  wonderful  to  see  the  zeal  with  which  Quodlibet 
set  about  the  task  assigned  to  it  by  its  distinguished  coun 
sellor.  Eliphalet  Fox,  with  a  degree  of  magnanimity  un 
common  in  an  editor,  took  the  field  in  behalf  of  Mr.  Clay. 
"That  persecuted  patriot,"  said  he,  "who  deserved  more 


208  QUODLIBET. 

of  his  party  than  any  man  in  the  nation,  has  been  treated 
with  absolute  contempt.  It  was  due  to  his  great  claims  to 
offer  him  the  Presidency;  but  the  spirit  of  Abolition  swayed 
this  factious  convention,  and  Mr.  Clay  was  rejected  solely 
on  account  of  his  well-known  and  deep-rooted  attachment 
to  the  slave  holding  interests  of  the  South.  As  to  General 
Harrison,"  the  same  article  continued,  "his  humble  station 
as  the  clerk  of  a  county  court,  his  insignificance  and  poverty 
will  leave  the  Democrats  but  little  to  overcome.  Well  has  an 
enlightened  and  patriotic  cotemporary  press,  a  distinguished 
pillar  of  the  New  Lights,  remarked,  in  reference  to  the 
habits  of  General  Harrison's  life  and  the  lowness  of  his 
associations,  that  two  thousand  dollars  a  year,  a  LOG  CABIN, 
and  a  barrel  of  HARD  CIDER  would  induce  him  to  resign  all 
claims  to  the  honors  his  inconsiderate  friends  have  proffered 
him." 

The  same  paper  propounded  a  series  of  interrogations 
skilfully  addressed  to  John  Tyler,  inquiring  of  him — what 
number  of  slaves  he  employed  on  his  plantation,  what  was 
the  ratio  of  their  increase  in  each  year,  and  how  many  he 
had  disposed  of  at  various  intervals  to  Southern  traders: — 
which  interrogatories  were  admirably  drawn  up  in  language 
so  equivocal  in  its  import  as  to  infer,  what  it  did  not  directly 
assert,  an  extensive  traffic  in  a  commodity  which  could  not 
but  excite  great  indignation  against  him  amongst  the  large 
mass  of  voters  of  all  sides  in  the  North. 

How  beautiful  are  these  evidences  of  the  operation  of  our 
New  Light  philosophy!  What  a  master  in  this  science  is 
the  unrivalled  Eliphalet  Fox! 

It  was  soon  discovered  that  our  club  had  fallen  into  a 
slight  mistake  touching  the  Log  Cabin  and  Hard  Cider, 
and  the  charge  of  poverty  brought  against  General  Harri 
son.  The  audacious  Whigs  had  even  the  effrontery  to 
adopt  the  LOG  CABIN  and  HARD  CIDER  as  the  emblem  of 


QUODLIBET.  209 

their  party,  and  to  ask  the  aid  of  those  whom  we  had  in 
considerately  derided  for  living  in  those  humble  cabins  and 
using  this  cheap  luxury  of  cider,  to  make  war  against  our 
New  Light  democracy.  The  Log  Cabin  instantly  became 
the  representative  of  a  sentiment,  and  a  word  of  power; 
and  in  a  perfect  tornado  of  enthusiasm,  was  raised  in  every 
village,  hamlet  and  meeting  ground  in  the  land. 

Truly  did  this  sudden  upraising  of  the  emblem  strike  dis 
may  into  our  ranks!  Quid  consilii  capiemus?  was  our  uni 
versal  question  in  Quodlibet.  What  should  we  do?  Recourse 
was  had  to  Mr.  Flam.  "  Drop,"  said  that  ready-witted  man 
in  reply,  "  the  charge  of  poverty  against  Harrison:  say  he  is 
rolling  in  wealth.  Bring  out  your  Federalism  against  him  with 
new  vigor.  Call  the  Log  Cabin  banner  senseless  mummery 
— and  declare  your  disgust  against  it,  as  lowering  the  tone 
of  public  sentiment  and  morals.  If  that  does  n't  do,  get 
some  New  Light  democratic  preacher  to  say  that  Hard 
Cider  produces  more  intoxication  than  all  the  liquors  the 
democrats  ever  drank:  let  him  rail  against  Whig  meetings 
as  Hard  Cider  orgies — remember  the  word; — and  if  we  can 
only  identify  the  New  Light  democracy  with  Temperance, 
its  twin  sister,  we  shall  produce  an  unheard-of  effect. 
Meantime,  ply  the  Abolition  battery  with  all  possible  dili 
gence, — and  vamp  up  anew  that  old  charge  of  hiring  out 
criminals  to  service;  but  be  careful  to  make  no  mistake — 
describe  it  as  "selling  poor  white  men  into  slavery  for 
debt."  To  prove  that  Harrison  is  against  slavery  and  at 
the  same  time  in  favor  of  it,  will  be  a  most  happy  stroke 
of  our  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  philosophy.  Don't  fail 
to  do  this  with  all  possible  industry.  Tell  Eliphalet  Fox 
that  the  endeavor  is  worthy  of  his  genius,  and  if  he  ever 
expects  to  become  a  great  man,  now  is  the  opportunity 
presented  to  him." 

18* 


210  QUODLIBET. 

These  counsels  gave  us  great  encouragement,  and  we  set 
ourselves  to  work  in  earnest.  The  New  Light  Club  was 
confined  in  its  operations  to  the  Borough  of  Quodlibet. 
Our  whole  Congressional  district,  including  Thorough  Blue, 
Tumbledown  and  Bickerbray,  required  the  supervision  of  a 
body  which  might  be  organized  to  regulate  the  affairs  of 
the  canvass  within  that  limit.  This  gave  rise  to  the  Cen 
tral  Committee.  A  convention  was  called  to  meet  in  Quod 
libet,  where  every  portion  of  the  district  should  be  repre 
sented.  That  convention  resulted  in  the  appointment  of  a 
Committee  of  Twelve  of  the  staunchest  and  most  active  of 
the  New  Lights.  It  was  called  "The  Grand  Central  Com 
mittee  of  unflinching  New  Light  Quodlibetarian  Demo 
crats."  The  name  was  sonorous,  euphonious,  and,  in  a 
certain  sense  magnificent — but  being  too  long  for  ordinary 
use,  we  reduced  it  for  working  purposes  to  "The  Great 
New  Light  Democratic  Central  Committee  of  Quodlibet." 
Eliphalet  Fox  was  made  President;  and  the  humble  author 
of  these  chronicles,  in  consideration  of  his  fidelity  in  the 
discharge  of  his  duty  to  the  New  Light  Club,  was  chosen 
to  be  secretary  also  of  the  committee — an  honor  which, 
with  due  reverence  and  thankfulness,  he  hath  assumed. 

From  the  date  of  its  organization,  the  Committee,  a  ma 
jority  whereof  are  inhabitants  of  Quodlibet,  meet  once  a 
week  with  most  commendable  punctuality,  and,  as  we  have 
reason  to  believe,  with  signal  usefulness  to  the  glorious 
cause  in  which  we  have  embarked.  Zachary  Younghusband, 
who  is  a  member,  gratuitously  and  generously,  out  of  his 
mere  zeal  in  the  cause,  proffered  the  use  of  his  room  up 
stairs  above  the  tin-plate  workshop,  for  our  sessions — an 
offer  which  we  were  reluctantly  obliged  to  decline,  after  one 
trial,  on  account  of  the  noise  created  by  the  workmen  be 
low.  I  mention  this  praiseworthy  offer  as  due  to  Zachary, 
in  favor  of  whom  the  Committee  passed  a  vote  of  thanks. 


QUODLIBET.  211 

We  found  a  more  quiet  place  of  meeting  in  the  back  room 
of  the  cabinet  store  of  Isaiah  Crape,  the  Undertaker,  for 
which  we  agreed  to  pay  fifty  cents  a  week  and  find  our 
own  lights.  In  this  secluded  spot  much  is  done  to  shape 
and  direct  the  destinies  of  this  Great  Republic. 


212  QUODLIBET 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

PROCEEDINGS  OP  THE  GRAND  CENTRAL  COMMITTEE. — VINDICATION  OF 
THE  SEVERITY  PRACTISED  AGAINST  GENERAL  HARRISON.— TACTICS  OF 
THE  NEW  LIGHTS. — ABOLITIONISM. — SELLING  WHITE  MEN  FOR  DEBT. — 
HARRISON  A  COWARD. — CONSIDERATIONS  WHICH  LED  TO  THE  NAMING 
OF  THE  OPPOSITION  BRITISH  WHIGS. — STRATAGEM  AGAINST  HARRISON 
AND  THE  CLAMOR  AGAINST  HIM  FOR  NOT  ANSWERING. — HOPE  OF  THE 
NEW  LIGHTS  CONFIRMED  BY  THE  CONNECTICUT,  RHODE  ISLAND,  AND 
VIRGINIA  ELECTIONS. — BALTIMORE  CONVENTION  A  FAILURE. — IMPOR 
TANT  LETTER  FROM  MR.  FLAM. — AMOS  KENDALL'S  PURPOSE  TO  RE 
SIGN. — EXCITEMENT  OF  COMPOSITION  PRESCRIBED  BY  HIS  PHYSICIAN. 
—CENTRAL  COMMITTEE  SANCTION  THE  COMPILATION  OF  THESE  ANNALS. 

THE  Grand  Central  Committee  having  been  thus  happily 
organised,  devoted  itself  with  exemplary  diligence  to  the 
important  concerns  of  the  Presidential  election,  which,  from 
this  time  forth,  became  the  engrossing  subject  of  all  men's 
thoughts.  A  volume  would  not  suffice  to  develop  the  mul 
tifarious  labors  of  the  committee.  I  could  not,  in  less  space, 
recount  the  resolutions,  with  long  argumentative  preambles, 
linking  by  means  of  Whereases,  like  rings,  whole  news 
paper  loads  of  facts,  invented  for  the  purpose; — the  addresses, 
the  speeches  copied  from  the  Globe,  and  extracts  from  pri 
vate  letters — to  say  nothing  of  the  paragraphs,  the  sole  off 
spring  of  editorial  brains,  and  all  the  other  machinery  em 
ployed  by  the  committee  to  defame,  traduce,  and  vilify 
General  Harrison,  for  the  unpardonable  sin  of  being  thought 
by  the  Whigs  a  fit  man  to  preside  over  this  vast  republic. 


QTJODLIBET.  213 

It  was  our  duty  to  render,  if  possible,  his  very  name  offen 
sive  in  the  nostrils  of  the  people.  In  this  endeavor  it  may 
easily  be  imagined  that  we  found  abundance  to  do  in  rum 
maging  up  old  scraps  of  history,  the  falsification  of  public 
records,  the  oblique  interpretation  of  equivocal  laws,  and 
in  practising  all  the  other  customary  arts  of  warfare  known 
to  the  New  Light  tactics. 

Admirable  is  that  wisdom  of  the  New  Democracy  which 
has  provided  such  an  ordeal  of  punishment  for  the  man  who, 
in  opposition  to  their  wishes,  dares  to  make  claim  to  the 
favor  of  the  people.  What  better  chastisement  can  be  in 
flicted  upon  such  rash  aspirant,  than  this  preliminary  gantlet 
which  it  is  ordained  for  him  to  run  before  he  can  be  made 
sensible  of  the  insolence  of  his  pretensions  ?  Thrice  tor 
mented  is  it  his  lot  to  be,  in  the  fiery  furnace  of  hatred* 
malice  and  all  uncharitableness,  before  he  shall  see  the  end 
of  his  vain  probation.  As  certain  tribes  of  Indians  have  a 
custom  of  torturing,  to  the  verge  of  stoutest  human  endur 
ance,  the  candidate  for  the  honor  of  being  accounted  a  Brave; 
so  in  imitation  of  this  commendable  usage  did  we  determine, 
in  no  less  degree,  to  torture  the  man  whom  the  hardihood 
of  the  Whigs  had  placed  before  the  nation  for  the  like 
empty  and  unavailing  honor. 

It  did  truly  seem  to  the  New  Lights  no  small  insolence  of 
those  men  who  call  themselves  Whigs,  to  propose  any  indi 
vidual  for  the  presidency,  whilst  the  people  were  already 
favored  with  a  chief  whose  whole  life  was  lustrous  with  the 
radiance  of  the  Quodlibetarian  democracy.  The  very  idea 
of  a  New  Light  presupposes  an  innate,  inherent,  and  intui 
tive  fitness  to  fill  any  station  of  any  kind  or  degree  whatever; 
and  here  was  one  distinguished  as  the  very  fountain  of  New 
Light  principles  already  at  the  head  of  the  nation,  dispensing 
the  favors  and  wielding  the  power  of  his  great  office  to  the 
supreme  content  of  all  Quodlibetarians — the  only  persons 


214  QUODLIBET. 

in  this  republic  whose  interests  deserve  to  be  held  of  any 
account  in  the  concerns  of  government.  Nothing  but  the 
rankest  faction  could  originate  an  opposition  to  his  benefi 
cent  administration.  Acting  upon  this  conviction,  the  Cen 
tral  Committee  certainly  did  not,  spare  General  Harrison. 

It  was,  however,  soon  remarked  that  the  General  was  a 
little  stronger  with  the  people  than  we  supposed  him  to  be;  . 
and  sundry  were  the  changes  to  which  we  were  conse 
quently  obliged  to  resort  in  our  mode  of  attack.  The  abo 
litionism  we  never  lost  sight  of:  the  selling  of  ivhite  men 
into  slavery  for  debt,  was  also  a  steady  topic;  and  some  of 
the  more  ingenious  of  the  committee  fell  upon  the  device  of 
proving  the  old  General  a  coward:  but  our  great  effort  was 
to  convert  him  and  all  his  friends  into  old  Blue  Light  Fede 
ralists.  This  was  always  considered  our  master  stroke;  and 
I  may  appeal  to  all  the  New  Light  papers  of  this  day  for 
evidence,  that  in  that  department  of  our  labors  we  plied  our 
task  with  an  industry  that  has  never  been  surpassed.  The 
Jersey  election,  also,  we  turned  to  great  account  in  congress, 
and  certainly  blew  our  trumpet  on  that  question  both  loud 
and  long;  it  was  a  noble  illustration  of  our  zeal  for  State 
Rights,  which  all  the  world  knows  is  one  of  the  favorite 
articles  in  our  present  faith.  With  an  eye  to  this  same 
question  of  State  Rights,  we  succeeded  in  getting  up  a  tole 
rable  good  commotion  in  congress,  on  the  subject  of  State 
debts;  holding  it  our  duty,  as  friends  of  the  sovereignty  of 
the  states,  to  do  all  in  our  power  to  break  down  their  credit, 
and  to  warn  the  world  against  placing  any  confidence  in 
their  pledges — although,  upon  this  subject,  I  am  bound  to 
confess  that  our  success  has  not  answered  our  expectations. 

There  was  one  movement  upon  which  our  committee 
placed  great  reliance.  Mr.  Van  Buren,  and  indeed  the 
whole  New  Light  Democracy,  had  so  often  changed  their 
course  upon  public  measures,  as  I  have  already  shown,  that 


QUODLIBET.  215 

the  nation  had  been  by  degrees  brought  into  a  belief  that 
every  public  man  was,  of  necessity,  and  from  the  very 
nature  of  his  organization,  bound  to  certify,  at  least  once  a 
year,  the  state  of  his  principles,  and  the  character  of  his 
opinions  on  all  questions  of  policy  whatever.  Now  Mr. 
Van  Buren,  in  1836,  came  to  the  Presidency  upon  a  very 
summary,  and  to  himself,  very  comfortable  profession  of 
faith.  All  that  he  professed  at  that  time  was,  to  follow  in 
the  footsteps — which  said  footsteps  had  scope  and  variation 
enough  to  allow  him  to  take  any  path  he  thought  proper. 
General  Harrison,  in  that  contest  of  1836,  did  not  enjoy  this 
advantage,  but  was  compelled  to  be  somewhat  specific  in 
the  indication  of  the  grounds  upon  which  his  election  claimed 
to  be  based.  He  had,  consequently,  not  only  been  very  full 
in  this  exposition,  but  had  likewise  referred  his  interroga 
tors  to  a  vast  amount  of  written  and  printed  opinions,  which 
on  divers  occasions,  in  the  course  of  his  public  career,  he 
had  found  reason  to  express. 

In  the  present  canvass  it  was  determined  by  our  commit 
tee,  and  in  fact  by  our  New  Light  friends  in  general,  that 
he  should  reiterate  afresh  every  thing  he  had  ever  said  or 
written  on  public  matters,  and  that  we  should,  by  no  means, 
be  content  with  mere  references  to  past  declarations.  In 
deed,  it  seemed  to  our  New  Light  Democracy,  that,  inas 
much  as  our  President  kept  no  opinions  more  than  three 
years  old,  at  the  outside,  it  was  impossible  that  General 
Harrison  could  be  so  antiquated  as  to  stick  to  his  for  a  longer 
term.  Confiding  in  this  impression,  plans  were  laid  by  the 
New  Lights  to  write  letters  to  the  General  in  the  guise  of 
friends,  and  in  case  he  should  refer  the  querists  to  his  former 
expositions,  without  full  and  ample  repetition  of  all  he  had 
said  before,  to  bring  a  whirlwind  of  indignant  reproof  about 
his  ears  as  a  man  who  was  afraid  to  trust  the  public  with 
his  sentiments.  This  stratagem  succeeded  beyond  the  most 


216  QUODLIBET. 

sanguine  expectation  of  the  New  Lights.  The  General 
was  caught  in  the  trap;  and  such  a  clamor  as  was  raised  has 
never  before  been  known  in  any  part  of  the  world. 

"  He  won't  answer  questions  !"  exclaimed  the  Globe. 
"  Gracious  Heaven  !  what  an  insult  to  the  intelligence  of 
a  nation  of  vigilant,  truth-seeking,  anxiously-inquiring  free 
men  !  A  silent  candidate  !  What  contumely  to  the  people  ! 
What  contempt  of  the  fundamental  principles  of  free  govern 
ment  !" 

"  Gracious  Heaven  !  what  contempt  of  the  people  !"  re 
echoed  The  Quodlibet  Whole  Team. 

"  Gracious  Heaven  !  what  contumely  !"  shouted  The 
Bickerbray  Scrutinizer. 

"  Gracious  Heaven!"  &c.,  &c.,  ejaculated  two  thousand 
patriotic,  disciplined,  footstep-following  papers  of  all  dimen 
sions,  from  six  by  twelve  to  three  feet  square,  from  one  end 
of  the  Union  to  the  other.  Never  was  there  such  a  Gracious 
Heavening  carried  on  in  this  country  ! 

In  the  midst  of  all  this,  successively  came  on  the  Con 
necticut,  Rhode  Island  and  Virginia  elections.  The  results 
every  body  knows.  Although  ostensibly  and  to  outward 
appearance  against  us,  we  saw  in  them  what  our  infatuated 
opponents  could  not  see,  the  certain  token  of  our  success. 
It  was  evident  to  us  from  the  returns  of  these  elections,  that 
a  great  reaction  must  occur;  and  Mr.  Doubleday  now  very 
sagely  remarked,  "  that  there  was  no  longer  room  to  doubt 
that  we  should  beat  the  Whigs  in  the  fall."  But  the  Whigs, 
instead  of  desponding  at  these  events,  began  to  take  heart, 
and  straightway  set  about  getting  up  a  Convention  in  Balti 
more.  Well,  that  convention  was  held  on  the  Fourth  of 
May.  I  was  present,  and  I  pronounce  it  to  have  been  a 
thorough  failure.  The  Whigs  have  represented  that  at 
least  twenty  thousand  persons  were  assembled  on  that  occa 
sion.  According  to  the  accurate  system  of  computation 


QUODLIBET.  217 

adopted  by  the  New  Lights,  and  which  is  infallible  in  re 
gard  to  the  numbers  attending  Whig  meetings,  the  whole 
assemblage,  including  boys  and  blacks,  did  not  quite  reach 
two  thousand,  and  of  those  a  large  number  were  New 
Lights. 

Still  it  is  due  to  truth  that  I  should  say,  there  were  some 
timid  men  in  our  committee  who  were  not  altogether  satis 
fied  with  the  appearances  of  the  day.  We  found  it  difficult 
to  make  them  comprehend  how  the  late  elections  had  ope 
rated  in  our  favor.  Yet  it  is  a  fact  that  we  never  were 
thoroughly  convinced  of  the  certainty  of  our  success,  until 
we  saw  the  returns  in  these  elections.  Connecticut  and 
Rhode  Island  we  had  before  considered  doubtful:  we  now 
had  no  doubt.  And  as  to  Virginia,  we  became  at  once  fully 
persuaded  that  our  success  there  was  actually  "  brilliant:" — 
such  is  the  beautiful  operation  of  the  New  Light  philosophy 
in  bringing  consolation  to  its  votaries  under  apparent  disas 
ter,  and  suggesting  encouragement  where  others  would 
despond. 

Yet  it  must  not  be  concealed  that  these  incidents  produced 
some  slight  sensation  in  our  committee.  Mr.  Flam  wrote 
from  Washington  a  letter  of  grave  reflection.  "  Although," 
said  he,  "our  success  in  Virginia  has  transcended  our  ex 
pectations,  yet  we  are  not  quite  certain  that  our  Abolition 
battery  has  been  altogether  very  effective.  Indeed,  it  is 
questioned  here,  whether  it  would  not  be  as  well  to  abandon 
it,  and  even  point  the  guns  in  the  opposite  direction.  Mar 
tin  has  room  enough  yet  to  turn — and,  as  it  is  rather  mani 
fest  that  Virginia  considers  our  charge  of  abolitionism  against 
Harrison  a  humbug,  and  as  the  whole  South  will  probably 
fall  into  the  same  opinion,  (in  which,  in  my  judgment,  they 
would  not  be  very  far  wrong,)  the  propriety  of  taking  the 
opposite  ground  is  well  worthy  of  consideration.  Van's 
affinities  are  with  the  North;  so  that  if  it  can  be  made 
19 


218  QUODLIBET. 

clearly  to  appear  to  be  his  interest  to  take  this  backward 
leap,  his  southern  principles  are  not  yet  more  than  cobwebs 
in  his  way.  We  must  think  of  this.  In  the  meantime,  it 
is  the  desire  of  the  President  and  his  managing  friends  here, 
that  you  not  only  continue  to  brand  the  opposition  as  Fede 
ralists,  but  call  them  BRITISH  WHIGS.  This  is  rendered 
necessary  by  the  fact  that  the  opposition  have  just  discov 
ered  that  Van  Buren  voted  against  Madison  and  the  War, 
and  supported  Clinton  and  the  Peace  party.  By  anticipat 
ing  the  ground  and  charging  the  Whigs  as  under  British 
influence,  we  shall  take  off  the  edge  of  this  assault,  and 
avoid  the  effect  of  another  reminiscence  against  the  Presi 
dent — I  mean  his  instructions  to  M'Lane,  on  the  West 
India  Question,  which  the  Whigs  impute  to  him  as  a  truck 
ling  to  Great  Britain.  Besides  this,  you  know,  Martin  has 
been  very  assiduous  of  late  in  courting  the  good  opinion  of 
Victoria — so,  by  all  means,  drive  at  THE  BRITISH  WHIGS! 
Keep  your  eye  upon  Amos  Kendall  who  has  consented  to 
act  as  fugleman.  His  health  is  so  much  shattered  by  the 
diseases  of  the  Post  Office,  that  he  is  compelled  to  retire; 
and  as  his  physician  prescribes  "  the  excitement  of  compo 
sition"  as  his  only  cure,  he  is  about  to  devote  himself  to 
the  Extra  Globe,  in  which  sheet  he  will  be  able  to  indulge 
his  imagination  in  the  creation  of  those  chaste  and  prurient 
fancies  for  which  he  has  been  remarkable  from  a  child.  The 
pure  and  simple  inventions  of  that  paper  are  ass's  milk  to 
his  wasted  constitution." 

Thus  admonished,  our  Central  Committee  proceeded  in 
their  labors  with,  the  most  spirited  activity;  and  it  was  not 
long  before  the  whole  Union  was  ringing  with  our  charge 
against  the  British  Whigs. 

It  was  at  this  juncture,  that  I  suggested  to  the  Committee 
the  propriety  of  making  this  compilation  of  the  Annals  of 
Quodlibet.  I  explained  to  them  how  important  it  was*that 


QUODLIBET.  219 

the  world  should  be  made  acquainted  with  the  history  and 
character  of  that  New  Light  Philosophy  which  had  worked 
such  wonders  in  our  Borough.  It  was  very  obvious  that 
even  our  friends  were  not  fully  aware  of  the  height  and 
the  depth  of  this  sublime  theory,  nor  of  its  extreme  efficacy 
in  the  administration  of  the  government.  It  had  taken  the 
world  by  surprise,  and  had  grown  up,  in  a  few  years,  into 
a  system  which  no  naturalist  had  yet  defined;  and  had  as 
sumed  an  importance  in  the  affairs  of  this  country  which 
few  persons  were  able  fully  to  appreciate.  Impressed  with 
this  conviction,  I  disclosed  to  the  Committee  the  purpose 
which,  for  some  time  past,  I  had  secretly  cherished,  of  col 
lating  from  my  manuscripts  all  such  particulars  in  the  his 
tory  of  Quodlibet  as  might  serve  to  elucidate  this  subject. 
The  Committee  knew  that  my  materials  were  ample;  and 
they  had  more  than  once  been  pleased  to  express  their  ad 
miration  of  those  poor  talents  which  I  had  oftentimes  exhi 
bited  in  the  effusions  of  my  humble  pen.  The  subject  was 
now  brought  up  to  the  notice  of  the  Committee  on  the  mo 
tion  of  my  friend,  Mr.  Younghusband,  in  a  resolution  too 
laudatory  for  my  modesty  to  insert  in  this  book.  Readily 
and  cheerfully  did  the  Committee  condescend  to  assign  this 
task  to  my  endeavors;— confiding  the  matter  and  the  manner 
thereof  to  my  sole  discretion,  with  the  single  injunction  that 
I  should  abstain  from  all  such  incidents  of  mere  personal  or 
private  concernment,  as  might  by  captious  or  invidious  crit 
ics  be  designated  as  savoring  of  romance.  Faithfully,  as  in 
my  judgment,  I  could,  have  I  obeyed  this  injunction;  and 
with  the  frankness  and  veracity  of  one  who  chronicles  for 
posterity,  rather  than  the  present  times,  have  I  set  forth  all 
such  matters  of  fact  and  comments  of  opinion,  as  shall  guide 
my  readers  to  a  true  knowledge  of  the  doctrine  of  the  New 
Light  Quodlibetarian  Philosophy. 


220  QUODLIBET. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

DESERVED  COMPLIMENT  ON  MR.  VAN  BUREN's  EXPLOIT  OP  THE  FLORIDA 
WAR. — THE  AFFAIR  OF  THE  TRUE  GRITS  AND  SERGEANT  TRAP. — TRUE 
GRITS  SUFFER  A  DEFEAT. — FLAN.  SUCKER'S  OPINION  UPON  THE  SUB 
JECT. HIS  ACCOUNT  OF  AN  ACTION  AT  LAW  BETWEEN  JOE  SNARE  AND 

IKE  SW1NGLETREE. 

JUST  at  this  period,  the  True  Grits  once  more  began  to 
give  themselves  airs  of  importance  in  Quodlibet.  The 
Tigertail  affair  had  stunned  them,  as  a  blow  sometimes  tor- 
pefies  a  snake;  and  like  that  same  snake,  which  after  a  long 
period  of  consequent  inactivity,  wakes  up  in  the  possession  of 
new  powers  of  mischief,  so  woke  up  the  True  Grits. 

The  Florida  war,  which  has  been  raging  on  the  part  of 
the  Indians,  and  simmering  on  our  part,  for  nearly  five 
years  past,  is  undoubtedly  the  greatest  of  all  Mr.  Van 
Buren's  exploits,  and  that  which  will  be  longest  remembered 
in  the  history  of  this  energetic  President  by  posterity.  It 
has  developed  the  genius  of  our  New  Light  Democratic  ad 
ministration  in  stronger  colors,  and  speaks  more  conclusively 
in  favor  of  the  perseverance  and  resource  of  our  Great  Chief, 
than  any  other  of  the  numerous  brilliant  acts,  whereby  he 
has  illustrated  the  principles  of  that  unterrified  and  unflinch 
ing  democracy,  to  whom  fortune  and  General  Jackson  in 
partnership,  have  entrusted  the  destinies  of  this  republic. 
That  war  was  not  only  the  most  righteous  and  unavoidable 
in  its  origin,  but  it  has  also  been  the  most  chivalrous  in  its 


QUODLIBET.  221 

character,  the  most  economical  in  its  management,  and  is 
likely  to  be  the  most  productive  in  its  results, — if  it  should 
ever  please  Bill  Jumper  or  Sam  Jones  or  Micanopy,  or  their 
heirs  and  representatives,  to  allow  it  to  come  to  a  conclu 
sion — that  has  ever  been  waged  between  two  great  nations ; 
and  will  unquestionably  cover  our  Commander-in-chief  of 
the  army  and  navy  of  the  United  States  with  as  thick  a  coat 
of  glory,  as  it  has  already  covered  the  bravest  and  keenest- 
nosed  of  our  blood  hounds  with  a  coat  of  mud: — and  that 
is,  perhaps,  about  as  thick  a  covering  as  a  hero  of  the  Presi 
dent's  mould  might  be  supposed  able  to  stagger  under,  in 
that  long  journey  of  fame  by  which  he  is  to  march  down  to 
after  times. 

Amongst  other  vigorous  measures  taken  in  the  prosecu 
tion  of  this  stupendous  war,  was  one  that  produced  no  small 
sensation  in  Quodlibet.  A  tall,  raw-boned,  slender  and  very 
straight  figure  of  a  man,  of  a  singularly  red  head  and  re 
markably  freckled  face — the  said  figure  being  decked  in  a 
suit  of  army  regimentals  highly  bedizened  with  worsted  lace 
and  cord,  begirt  with  a  huge  sabre,  and  wearing  a  plume 
three  feet  long, — made  its  appearance  recently  in  the  Borough. 
This  personage  rejoiced  in  the  name  and  title  of  Sergeant 
Trap.  He  was  accompanied  by  a  drummer  four  feet  six 
inches  high,  of  a  remarkably  fierce  military  aspect;  and  by 
a  fifer  six  feet  four,  quite  as  remarkable  for  the  length  of  his 
arms  and  legs,  and  the  shortness  of  his  sleeves  and  panta 
loons, — both  inferring,  from  their  general  effect  upon  his 
exterior,  a  rustical  and  imbellicose  mode  of  life  which  re 
luctantly  accommodated  itself  to  the  military  requisitions  of 
his  station. 

The  sergeant  and  drummer  were  strangers  to  our  folks; 

but  the  fifer  was  no  other  than  Charley  Moggs,  long  known 

as  the  boss  loafer  of  Bickerbray,  and  who  was  famed  for  a 

single  accomplishment — the  perfection  with  which  he  exe- 

19* 


222  QUODLIBET. 

cuted,  upon  an  octave  flute,  that  difficult  but  favorite  piece 
of  music,  which  goes  by  the  name  of  "  Sugar  in  a  Gourd;" 
which  accomplishment  was  the  foundation  of  his  present 
astonishing  promotion  under  Sergeant  Trap,  who  had  come 
to  Quodlibet,  in  pursuance  of  orders  from  Mr.  Poinsett,  to 
pick  up  as  many  spare  heroes  for  the  Florida  war,  as  might 
be  found  in  our  environs,  willing  to  dog  the  Indians  in 
company  with  our  gallant  allies  lately  arrived  from  Cuba. 

The  Sergeant  took  a  small  frame  house  next  door  to  Sim 
Travers's  Refectory, — or  rather,  as  Sim  called  it,  his  Drink- 
ery.  Here  he  hung  out  the  stars  and  stripes,  by  a  pole 
which  was  secured  in  the  second  story  window,  and  from 
which  the  flag  vibrated  in  graceful  undulations,  almost 
sweeping  the  street  when  the  wind  lulled,  and  filling  the 
hearts  of  Sim  Travers'  customers  with  emotions  of  martial 
glory. 

Now,  Sergeant  Trap  had  not  the  good  fortune  to  be  a 
New  Light;  but,  on  the  contrary,  had  the  misfortune  to  be 
perfectly  neutral  in  politics — and,  coupled  with  that,  the 
additional  misfortune  to  be  sometimes  in  want  of  money. 
In  the  course  of  some  two  or  three  weeks  residence  in  the 
Borough,  he  had  contracted  a  sort  of  intimacy  with  Peter 
Ounce,  the  landlord  of  The  Boatman's  Hotel  at  the  upper 
end,  and  on  the  opposite  side,  of  The  Basin.  This  intimacy 
mainly  grew  out  of  the  circumstance  that  Ounce's  Hotel 
furnished  very  pleasant  quarters  to  the  Sergeant,  and  had 
also  contributed  some  five  or  six  recruits  to  his  standard. 
Peter  Ounce,  although  a  Whig,  is  a  kind-hearted,  sociable 
man,  and  disposed  to  make  friendships  with  those  about  him; 
and  the  Sergeant  having  run  up  a  score  at  the  bar,  fell  into 
the  relation  of  a  debtor  to  Peter,  which  it  was  not  always 
convenient  for  him,  at  a  moment,  to  destroy.  Besides  this, 
Sergeant  Trap  had,  once  or  twice,  borrowed  small  sums  from 
the  landlord,  and  received  from  him  sundry  manifestations 


QUODLIBET. 

of  good  will,  which  laid  him,  in  a  certain  sense,  under  obli 
gations  to  Peter.  The  result  of  it  all  was,  that  the  Sergeant 
took  a  great  liking  to  his  landlord, — and,  following  the  sug 
gestions  of  that  feeling,  rather  encouraged  his  men,  when 
they  had  a  little  money  to  spend  in  slaking  their  thirst,  to 
throw  it  in  the  way  of  Ounce. 

This  state  of  things  existed  for  some  time  before  it  was 
brought  into  public  observation.  Ounce's  liquors  were 
good  and  cheap,  the  company  about  his  Hotel  was  jovial, 
and  Peter  himself  obliging — in  consequence  of  all  which 
Sergeant  Trap's  men  went  as  often  to  the  Boatman's  Hotel, 
as  they  did  to  Sim  Travers'  Drinkery  which  was  next  door 
to  the  Rendezvous.  Sim  Travers,  who  always  kept  a 
sharp  eye  to  his  business,  was  the  first  to  notice  the  visits 
of  Trap's  men  to  his  rival's  Bar,  and  for  some  time  he  bore 
it  with  a  sulky  and  uneasy  silence.  After  a  while,  sundry 
inarticulate  murmurs  escaped  him  denoting  vexation;  and 
at  length  he  openly  began  to  shake  his  head  and  talk  about 
the  duty  of  soldiers  and  officers  in  the  employ  of  the  Go 
vernment.  "  IVe  work  for  the  government,"  said  he,  "  and 
the  government  ought  to  work  for  us.  If  public  money  is 
to  be  laid  out,  them  that  goes  through  fire  and  water  has 
the  best  claim.  These  d — d  Whigs  are  ready  enough  to 
touch  the  cash  when  there's  profit  to  be  got;  while  them 
that  sticks  by  government  in  all  their  d — d  choppings  and 
changings  is  to  be  lookers  on.  To  the  Wicters  belongs  the 
Spiles; — if  that  aint  a  motter,  what's  the  use  of  having  it? 
go  it  full,  or  give  it  up — that's  what  I  say." 

Sim  continued  to  repeat  these  sentiments  for  some  time, 
without  seeing  things  alter  for  the  better.  Peter  Ounce 
still  continued  to  divide  the  profits  of  the  Rendezvous  with 
him.  At  last  Sim  became  violent.  «*  I'll  make  it  a  com 
mittee  matter,"  said  he.  Thereupon  he  went  immediately 
to  Eliphalet  Fox,  and  opened  to  him  his  whole  burden  of 


224  QUODLIBET. 

grievances.  "  I'll  fix  it,"  replied  Fox,  very  much  in  the 
tone  of  a  man  of  business,  and  Sim  went  home  in  excellent 
spirits. 

The  next  Whole  Hog  had  a  paragraph  touching  this  sub 
ject.  "If,"  said  that  paper,  "there  be  one  principle  which 
has  been  more  sacredly  established  than  any  other  by  that 
great  revolution  through  which  we  have  just  conducted  the 
nation,  in  redeeming  it  from  the  oppressions  of  Monopolists 
and  Privileged  orders,  it  is  the  deep  and  fundamental  truth 
that,  To  those  who  have  won  the  victory  belong  its  fruits. 
The  democracy  have  an  unalienable,  and  indefeasible  right 
to  all  emoluments,  issues  and  profits  accruing  from  the  ex 
penditures  of  the  public  money.  And,  moreover,  if  there 
be  any  class  of  persons  who  emphatically  belong  to  the 
government,  it  is  the  men  who  are  enlisted  for  the  Florida 
war.  Few  of  them  are  destined  ever  to  return  again  to  the 
character  of  citizens:  their  lives  are  undoubtedly  the  pro 
perty  of  the  administration,  as  every  man  must  see  who 
reflects  upon  the  history  of  that  war.  And  if  their  lives  are 
thus  devoted  to  the  cause  of  the  administration,  much  more, 
may  it  be  said,  are  their  little  gains  to  be  employed  in  the 
same  cause.  Notwithstanding  this  self  evident  truth,  we 
know  of  men  now  in  this  Borough,  wearing  the  livery  of 
the  Government,  who  do  not  scruple  to  enrich  the  coffers 
of  the  British  Whigs  with  the  money  lavished  upon  them 
by  the  bounty  of  the  Government,  and  which  has  been 
wrung  from  the  sweat  of  the  poor  man's  brow.  We  trust 
we  shall  be  understood,  without  being  more  explicit.  If 
this  abuse  continue  after  this  hint,  we  shall  act  in  a  more 
efficient  form: — a  word  to  the  wise." 

Notwithstanding  this  very  significant  paragraph,  and  the 
fact  that  the  paper  containing  it  was  sent  to  the  Rendezvous, 
and  even  addressed  to  Sergeant  Trap  by  name,  the  practice 
complained  of  was  in  no  degree  corrected.  On  the  con- 


QUODLIBET.  225 

trary,  as  if  from  sheer  perverseness  and  contumacy,  the 
evil,  if  any  thing,  was  rather  increased.  Eliphalet  Fox 
waited  a  few  days  to  see  how  his  paragraph  worked.  Sim 
Travers  came  to  him  with  a  face  now  much  more  in  anger 
than  in  grief.  "It  doesn't  work  at  all,"  said  Eliphalet  ad 
verting  to  his  paragraph,  and  anticipating  Sim's  complaint. 
"Never  mind,  my  friend,"  continued  he,  "this  is  my  quar 
rel.  Go  home:  leave  all  to  me!" 

Sim  went  home  confident  that  he  should  have  ample  re 
dress.  «« If  I  don't  get  it,"  said  he,  as  he  walked  towards 
the  Drinkery,  ruminating  over  his  wrongs,  «*  blow  me  if  I 
don't  quit  the  party.  I'm  not  one  of  them  d — d  fools  to  go 
thorough-stitch,  and  get  nothing  for  it — blow  me!" 

"I'll  see  justice  done  to  Sim  Travers,"  said  Eliphalet 
Fox,  with  an  atrabilious  look,  when  he  was  left  alone,  "or 
die  in  the  attempt — blast  me!" 

After  this  blowing  and  blasting,  Sim  went  about  the  Bo 
rough  telling  every  man  of  the  persecution  he  was  suffering 
from  the  Whigs;  and  Eliphalet  Fox  went  about  to  get  up 
the  old  Tigertail  Convention  and  bring  the  matter  before 
them. 

The  next  evening  the  Convention  met,  and  a  Secret  Com 
mittee  was  raised  with  instructions  to  write  a  lettre  de  cachet 
to  the  President,  explaining  the  flagitious  conduct  of  Ser 
geant  Trap,  and  demanding  his  immediate  dismissal  from 
the  army.  This  letter  was  written  by  Eliphalet  Fox,  and 
was  signed  by  him  and  William  Goodlack,  besides  Sim 
Travers  and  Thomas  Crop  the  constable,  which  two  latter 
made  their  mark — these  four  being  the  Secret  Committee. 
The  letter  was  duly  despatched  to  Washington  to  be  pre 
sented  by  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  who  was  required  by 
the  committee  to  render  this  service,  from  a  suspicion  that 
at  bottom  he  was  not  very  favorable  to  the  True  Grits. 
"  Catch  a  weasel  asleep!"  said  our  worthy  Representative 


226  QUODLIBET. 

when  this  letter  reached  him.  "  Gentlemen,  I'll  do  your 
bidding,  by  all  means."  And  so,  being  wide  awake,  and 
fully  determined  to  give  the  True  Grits  no  cause  of  com 
plaint  against  him,  he  went  straight  with  the  lettre  de  cachet 
to  the  President.  In  a  few  days  the  Committee  received  a 
letter  from  Mr.  Flam  informing  them  he  had  done  every 
thing  they  had  demanded:  that  the  President  had  read  their 
confidential  communication,  and  without  hesitation  replied, 
that  if  Sergeant  Trap  had  been  a  civil  officer,  he  would 
have  dismissed  him  without  further  inquiry,  in  deference  to 
the  respectability  of  the  Committee; — but  that,  as  Sergeant 
Trap  belonged  to  the  army,  he  found  himself  reluctantly 
compelled  to  proceed  in  a  more  formal  manner,  and  that 
consequently  he  should  direct  a  Military  Court  of  Inquiry 
to  take  cognizance  of  the  case:  that  this  Court  would  sit  in 
Quodlibet  where  the  prosecutors  were  requested  to  be  ready 
to  prove  the  enormities  alleged  against  Sergeant  Trap. 

"A  Court  of  Inquiry!"  exclaimed  Fox,  with  great  emo 
tion.  "  Is  the  thing  to  be  made  public?  We  are  deceived, 
betrayed: — I  know  by  whom,"  he  added,  significantly  nod 
ding  his  head. 

"A  Court  of  Inquiry! — proofs,  and  all  riglar — upon 
oath?"  exclaimed  Sim  Travers. 

"I'm  blest  if  I  go  before  any  court,"  said  Tom  Crop. 

"By  blazes!  I  won't,"  said  Billy  Goodlack.  "There's 
something  in  this  here  thing — else  why  don't  the  President 
go  smack  forward  on  the  letter?" 

"I'm  no  prosecutor,"  said  Eliphalet  Fox. 

"  Im  not  a  persecutor  nother,"  said  Tom  Crop.  "  D — n 
my  blood!  I  scorn  it." 

"  I'm  not  going  to  put  my  hand  on  the  book,  upon  it," 
said  Sim  Travers.  "If  a  man  can't  lodge  a  complaint 
without  being  hauled  into  court,  the  party's  broke:  d — n 
the  money!  who  cares  about  it?" 


QUODLIBET.  227 

"That's  my  identical  sentiment!"  said  Billy  Goodlack. 
44  By  blazes,  I'm  no  prosecutioner!" 

The  Committee  was  certainly  thrown  into  great  conster 
nation.  The  cause  of  this  is  said  to  have  been  that  in 
representing  the  case  of  Sergeant  Trap  to  the  President 
by  letter,  upon  which  they  expected  an  immediate  order 
dismissing  the  offender  from  service,  they  had  charged 
him  with  a  long  list  of  misdemeanors  against  the  welfare  of 
the  Great  New  Light  Democratic  Party;  which  they  knew, 
in  the  first  place,  had  no  sort  of  foundation  in  fact,  and  there 
fore  might  be  found  extremely  difficult  of  proof;  and  the 
attempt  to  investigate  which,  in  the  second  place,  they  were 
aware  might  bring  the  True  Grits  into  collision  with  each 
other  in  a  manner  not  very  conducive  to  the  harmony  of 
the  party.  They  were,  therefore,  not  a  little  thrown  aback 
when  they  were  apprised  of  the  President's  determination 
to  make  the  charges  a  subject  of  inquiry. 

We  cannot  sufficiently  commend  Mr.  Van  Buren's  caution 
in  this  matter,  and  the  sound  New  Light  Democratic  view 
he  took  of  the  subject.  Here  was  a  grave  charge  preferred 
against  one  of  his  own  servants,  imputing  to  him  a  disposi 
tion  to  deal  with  Whigs — nay,  an  actual  dealing  with  them, 
when  there  was  a  New  Light  to  be  found  in  the  same  town 
capable  of  furnishing  the  same  commodity.  Doubtless,  upon 
this  nefarious  transaction  being  fully  proved,  Mr.  Van  Buren, 
like  a  genuine,  unadulterated  Quod,  as  he  is,  would  dismiss 
the  offender  from  service,  or  even  inflict  on  him  other 
punishment,  if  it  fell  in  his  way.  But  in  so  serious  a  case  he 
was  determined  not  to  be  premature  in  his  action:  he  would 
not  proceed, — unless,  indeed,  the  offender  had  been  a  civil 
officer — upon  such  testimony  as  the  confidential  letter  of 
a  committee.  He  takes  the  only  just  course  (in  this  I 
have  reason  to  believe  he  was  fully  seconded,  perhaps  even 
prompted,  by  our  sagacious  representative,  the  Hon.  Mid- 


228  QUODLIBET. 

dleton  Flam)  and  that  is  a  formal,  solemn  judicial  inquiry 
into  the  conduct  of  Sergeant  Trap,  to  ascertain  whether  he 
really  had  purchased  liquors  to  the  prejudice  of  the  Great 
New  Light  Quodlibetarian  Democratic  Party.  Truly  have 
we  reason,  day  by  day,  to  rejoice  in  a  President  of  such 
magnanimity,  such  justice,  such  innate  republicanism,  and 
withal  such  dignity! 

The  Court  of  Inquiry  met.  It  was  composed  of  officers 
of  high  rank.  After  a  long  and  patient  investigation,  and 
the  most  accurate  ascertainment  of  the  number  of  gills  of 
rum,  whiskey  and  brandy  sold  to  Trap's  recruits  by  Sim 
Travers  and  by  Peter  Ounce,  and  a  careful  arithmetical  com 
putation  of  the  value  thereof  in  money;  and  after  a  laborious 
examination  into  Sim  Travers's  politics,  as  also  into  those 
of  Peter  Ounce,  the  trial  resulted  in  the  conclusion  that  Sim 
Travers  was  not  so  good  a  New  Light  as  he  professed  to 
be,  (this  was  founded  on  evidence  that  Sim  had  said  "  he 
would  leave  the  party,  if  he  couldn't  get  his  share  of  spiles,") 
and  that  Peter  Ounce's  politics  were,  in  fact,  not  known  to 
Sergeant  Trap  at  the  time  he  dealt  with  him:  whereupon 
Trap  was  acquitted  of  each  and  every  charge  brought  against 
him;  although  Theodore  Fog,  the  Counsel  for  the  Secret 
Committee,  took  upon  himself  to  inform  the  Sergeant,  some 
what  authoritatively,  that  as  he  was  now  aware  of  the  dan 
gerous  tendency  of  Ounce's  principles,  the  President  would 
expect  him  to  close  all  accounts  at  the  said  Peter's  bar,  and 
to  be  more  circumspect  the  next  time. 

It  was  generally  admitted,  and  indeed  was  the  common 
talk  of  the  Borough,  that  in  this  notable  trial  Eliphalet  Fox 
dodged,  that  Billy  Goodlack  dodged,  that  Sim  Travers 
dodged,  and  that  Tom  Crop  actually  skulked.  And  the 
general  effect  of  the  whole  was  to  cut  the  combs  of  the  True 
Grits  so  thoroughly,  that  it  is  believed  they  will  never  rise 
again.  Flan  Sucker  made  a  jest  of  this,  very  much  to  the 


QUODLIBET.  229 

annoyance  of  his  friends — for  Flan  had  taken  a  violent  fancy 
to  Sergeant  Trap,  and  even  at  one  time,  it  was  supposed, 
had  an  idea  of  enlisting.  He  used  to  sit  up  with  the  Ser 
geant  of  nights  and  drink  a  good  deal  with  him  through  the 
day,  and  by  this  means  very  naturally  became  quite  a  crony. 
He  therefore  exulted  much  more  than  a  True  Grit,  it  was 
conceived,  ought,  at  the  Sergeant's  triumphant  acquittal. 
"  Sargeant  Trap,"  said  he,  "  Locumsgillied  Liphlet  Fox;" 
and  as  this  expression  requires  an  explanation,  he  gave  it, 
to  this  effect. 

"  Joe  Snare,  the  bailiff  over  here  in  Tumbledown,  fotch 
a  suit  before  Squire  Honeywell,  agin  Ike  Swingletree  for 
twenty-five  dollars,  on  a  cart  which  Joe  sold  him.  Joe 
drawed  up  a  note  of  hand  for  Ike  to  sign,  which  Ike  did; 
and  Ike  never  thought  no  more  about  it.  Joe  kept  askin 
for  his  money,  year  after  year,  year  after  year,  tell  at  last  he 
got  tired,  and  so  fotch  the  suit.  Ike  found  out  at  the  trial, 
that  the  Squire  was  goin  to  give  judgment  agin  him;  so 
what  does  he  do,  but  sashrary  the  case  ! — whereby  the  case 
was  tuck  up  to  the  Court.  Well,  when  they  came  on  to 
trial  there,  Ike  had  a  lawyer  who  found  out  that  the  note  of 
hand  was  more  than  three  years  old,  and  theie  hadn't  been 
no  promise  to  pay  in  the  meantime.  Thereupon  the  Court 
told  Joe  Snare,  if  he  hadn't  nothing  to  say  agin  it,  they 
must  give  judgment  for  Ike  on  the  Statue  of  Lamentations. 
Is  it  that,  your  honor?  said  Snare — for  Joe  being  bailiff 
was  pretty  well  up  to  law,  and  pled  his  own  cause;-r-well, 
may  it  please  your  honor,  may  be  the  statue  is  agin  me, 
but,  your  honor,  I  drasved  up  the  note  of  hand  myself,  and 
if  you'll  just  be  so  kind  to  look  in  the  corner  under  the  dog's 
ear,  you'll  see  two  letters  at  the  eend  of  Ike  Swingletree's 
name  tantamount  to  L.  S.,  which  as  I  understand,  your 
honor,  goes  for  Locumsgilly — whereby  it  takes  twelve  years, 
if  I'm  not  mistaken,  to  kill  the  note  of  hand,  bekase  that's  a 
20 


230  QUODLIBET. 

bond.  The  judge  looked  and  looked,  and  then  sot  up  a 
laugh;  and  Ike  Swingletree  began  to  turn  a  little  pale.  Joe, 
says  the  judge,  you're  right,  says  he:  that  alters  the  case, 
and  you  must  have  the  judgment.  Joe,  says  he,  you  have 
beaten  the  lawyer  and  his  client  both — you're  a  clever  fel 
low,  and  will  get  your  money.  So  Joe  accordingly  got  the 
judgment,  and  came  off  mightily  pleased.  And  when  he 
was  tellin  me  about  the  matter  next  day,  he  burst  out  in  a 
great  haw  haw,  and  couldn't  hardly  talk  for  laughing:  Ike 
Swingletree,  said  he,  sashraried  me,  but  I  reckon  I  Locums- 
gillied  him. 

"  Well,  that's  just  what  Sergeant  Trap  has  done  to  Liphlet 
Fox — LOCUMSGILLIED  him,  beautiful." 


QUODLIBET.  231 


CHAPTER  XX. 


THESE    CHRONICLES    DRAW    TO    A    CLOSE. — THE    NEW    LIGHTS    NOT    DIS 
PLEASED  WITH   ELIPHALET  FOx's    DISCOMFITURE.— UNLUCKY  MISTAKE 

OP  A  PENNSYLVANIA  SENATOR. — CURED  BY  A  TOAST. — PASSAGE  OF 
THE  INDEPENDENT  TREASURY  BILL  AND1  REJOICING  THEREON  IN  QUOD 
LIBET. — CHANGES. — INTERESTING  LETTER  FROM  THE  DIBBLE  FAMILY. 
— MR.  FLAM  RETURNS  TO  QUODLIBET. — HIS  VIEWS  OF  THE  CANVASS. 
— MR.  VAN  BUREN'S  NEW  LIGHT  PRINCIPLES  ILLUSTRATED  BY  SUNDRY 
LETTERS. — HIS  RELIANCE  ON  THE  INTELLIGENCE  OF  THE  PEOPLE. — 
FEDERALISM,  IGNOMINY  AND  INSULT. — ELECTIONS  IN  KENTUCKY,  IN 
DIANA  AND  NORTH  CAROLINA. —  ALABAMA,  MISSOURI  AND  ILLINOIS. 

MY  patient  and  indulgent  reader  will  doubtless  agree  with 
me  that  it  is  time  these  gossiping  chronicles  were  brought 
to  a  close.  Indeed,  I  am  so  near  upon  the  heels  of  the  day 
in  which  I  write,  and  the  printer  so  near  upon  mine  that 
little  remains  to  be  said.  I  shall  therefore  despatch  what 
remains  of  my  memoranda  with  such  speed  as  shall  suit 
my  reader's  longing  for  the  end. 

Although  the  New  Lights  in  general  bore  no  ill  will 
against  that  division  or  faction  which  has  been  distinguished 
in  these  pages  by  the  name  of  True  Grits,  yet  I  must  say 
we  were  not  wholly  displeased  at  the  result  of  Sergeant 
Trap's  trial.  On  the  contrary,  many  of  us  chuckled  in 
secret  thereat.  Eliphalet  Fox  we  have  ever  acknowledged 
to  be  a  useful  man  and  a  zealous — and  we  have  not  been 
backward  to  award  him  such  meed  as  he  deserved.  But  it 
must  be  told  that  in  Eliphalet,  there  lurks  a  scantling  of 


232  QUODLIBET. 

ambition  to  climb  higher  on  the  ladder  than  our  party  is  yet 
willing  to  afford  to  one  of  his  degree.  And  Eliphalet 
moreover  is  suspected — heaven  forfend  that  I  should  do 
him  wrong! — in  regard  to  the  Hon.  Middleton  Flam  our 
Representative,  and  those  who  are  not  altogether  well  dis 
posed  towards  him,  I  mean  Theodore  Fog's  adherents,  (for 
it  is  manifest  Theodore  is  looking  to  a  seat  in  Congress) 
utrosque  parietes  linere,  as  the  Latin  proverb  has  it,  which. 
in  the  vernacular  signifies  to  wear  two  faces — by  no 
means  an  uncommon,  though  a  very  objectionable  sin  in 
political  affairs.  This  may  be  a  groundless  suspicion,  as  I 
would  fain  hope  it  is;  but  it  is  believed  by  many,  and 
therefore  the  more  reason  was  there  for  some  secret  rejoic 
ing  in  Quodlibet  at  Eliphalet's  failure  in  the  matter  of  Sim 
Travers.  It  unquestionably  hath  made  our  Editor  of  The 
Whole  Hog  more  modest  and  seemly  in  his  behaviour  of 
late. 

The  course  of  the  canvass  has  been  growing  every  day 
more  and  more  intensely  interesting  to  our  New  Lights; 
and,  bating  some  few  aberrations  into  which  we  have  fallen, 
daily  gives  us  greater  promise  of  the  consummation  of  all 
our  wishes.  One  of  these  aberrations  it  becomes  my  duty  to 
notice;  since  as  I  write  for  the  instruction  of  the  New 
Democracy,  no  less  than  for  the  information  of  posterity, 
it  is  but  proper  that  I  should  point  out  an  occasional  error 
with  a  view  to  guard  against  its  commission  in  future:  and 
I  do  so  in  the  present  instance  because  the  fault  hath  been 
happily  repaired  in  a  manner  that  greatly  redounds  to  the 
efficacy  and  excellence  of  our  Quodlibetarian  system.  The 
wisest  man  may  commit  mistakes,  as  may  be  seen  in  what 
I  am  about  to  recount  of  one  of  the  Magnates  of  our  party. 

Ever  since  New  Light  Democracy  and  Nullification 
have  shaken  hands  and  sworn  eternal  friendship,  or — in  the 
poetical  language  of  Theodore  Fog,  "ever  since  that  Pro- 


QUODLIBET.  233 

digy  of  Weathercocks,  the  great  Nullificr,  first  endured, 
then  pitied  and  then  embraced  the  Galvanised  Corpse," 
there  has  been  a  notable  race  set  on  foot  over  the  Hard 
Money  Course.  The  prize  in  this  race  is  understood  to  be 
the  good  will  of  the  South,  and  upon  that  is  built  hopes  of 
"the  Succession;"  at  least,  so  I  gather  from  the  Hon.  Mid- 
dleton  Flam,  who  is  fully  in  the  secret.  Now,  it  has  been 
whispered  in  high  places,  says  my  honorable  informant, 
that  when  Mr.  Van  Buren  shall  vouchsafe  to  favor  us  by  the 
appointment  of  his  successor,  Thomas  Hart  Benton — who 
is  the  king  Midas  of  the  New  Lights — looks  to  receive  the 
mantle;  unless,  indeed,  Amos  Kendall  shall  disallow  the 
same,  and  require  it  to  be  placed  on  other  shoulders,  which 
Mr.  Flam  thinks  Amos  will  not  do.  On  the  other  hand, 
the  Nullifier  has  put  in  his  claim;  and  it  is  given  out  that 
as  the  President  at  this  moment  stands  greatly  in  need  of 
Southern  Principles,  he  only  may  hope  to  win  favor  who 
shall  contribute  the  greatest  quantity  of  that  material  to  the 
present  contest.  Hence,  the  competition  in  the  display  of 
this  commodity. 

Some  time  back  many  of  us  in  Quodlibet  took  occasion 
to  say,  that  a  certain  New  Light  Democrat,  of  great  note 
in  our  ranks — a  senator  from  Pennsylvania — would  be  as 
likely  to  take  the  lead  as  the  best  of  them.  This  reaching 
the  ears  of  the  gentleman  in  question,  so  fired  his  ambition 
that  he  straightway  became  a  Hard  Money  man — as  hard 
almost  as  the  other  two;  and,  conceiving  that  he  might  pro 
fitably  imitate  the  wisdom  of  the  Fox,  and  steal  away  the 
prize  whilst  the  Wolf  and  the  Leopard  were  fighting  for  it, 
he  unluckily  took  it  into  his  head  to  let  off  a  speech, 
wherein  he  demonstrated  most  satisfactorily  to  the  whole 
South,  that  our  country  would  be  "filled  with  blessings"  if 
we  could  only  get  our  inflated  values  of  northern  labor 
down  to  the  hard  money  standard  of  France  and  Germany. 
20* 


234  QUODLIBET. 

Whew!  what  a  turmoil  did  this  little  flourish  of  political 
philosophy  produce!  No  sooner  did  the  laboring  people  of 
the  North  come  to  hear  of  this — and  they  had  no  right  to 
hear  it,  for  it  was  by  no  means  intended  for  their  ears — 
than  they  set  up  such  a  floundering  and  kicking  in  the 
traces  as  never  was  known  in  this  country,  except  in  the 
case  of  the  Alien  and  Sedition  Law  and  Mr.  Van  Buren's 
late  notorious  affair  of  the  Standing  Army.  They  were 
actually  so  perverse  and  unreasonable  as  to  turn  their  backs 
in  a  manner  disgraceful  to  the  Democracy,  upon  this  prof 
fered  "blessing,"  and  incontinently  to  reject  it  in  advance, 
as  a  thing  altogether  flagitious;  and  in  the  mere  obstinacy 
of  their  selfish  natures,  to  affirm  that  the  inflated  wages 
they  now  received  were  not  a  jot  beyond  their  deserts. 
Deserts  indeed!  as  if  the  Pennsylvania  Senator  was  trou 
bling  himself  about  their  deserts,  when  he  had  so  high  a 
matter  in  view  as  the  Presidency.  Thereupon  many  of 
these  democrats  were  so  foolish  as  to  become  British  Whigs, 
and  declare  openly  that  they  desired  nothing  more  earnestly 
as  working  men,  than  to  see  as  little  British  manufacture 
brought  into  our  country,  (whilst  our  own  people  could 
make  as  good,)  as  by  any  fair  and  lawful  means  might  be 
avoided: — a  doctrine  which,  as  every  body  knows,  is  now 
exclusively  set  up  by  these  British  Whigs,  and  which  all 
good  New  Lights  reject  as  in  the  highest  degree  undemo 
cratic. 

This  extraordinary  fatuity,  and,  as  I  may  call  it,  rebellion 
of  the  working  people,  of  course  caused  our  committee  great 
uneasiness.  We  deliberated  over  the  subject  anxiously  and 
long,  to  find  some  means  of  allaying  this  ferment;  and  were 
well  nigh  at  our  wit's  end.  At  last,  it  occurred  to  Mr. 
Doubleday,  that  the  best  and,  in  truth,  the  only  thing  we 
could  do,  was  to  get  the  transgressing  senator  to  explain 
his  speech  away.  It  was  a  happy  thought;  and  being  com- 


QUODLIBET.  235 

municated  to  the  gentleman,  we  had  every  reason  to  be  sat 
isfied  with  his  prompt  acquiescence  in  the  advice.  With 
most  laudable  perseverance  and  importunity,  it  must  be  con 
fessed,  has  he  obeyed  our  injunction.  It  is  a  sound  New 
Light  precept, — when  a  leader  cannot  maintain  a  dange 
rous  position,  let  him  roundly  affirm  that  he  never  took  it; 
and  every  genuine  Quod  and  veritable  New  Light,  will  stand 
by  him  and  back  him  in  the  assertion.  In  this  matter  of  a 
man's  livelihood,  it  is  sometimes — as  the  senator  has  found 
it — extremely  difficult  to  bring  the  stomachs  of  the  people 
into  subjection  to  their  democracy. 

This  distinguished  Democrat's  latter  speeches  all  must  ad 
mire,  as  beautiful  examples  of  our  Quodlibetarian  mode  of 
drawing  in  our  horns  when  we  have  chanced  to  thrust  them 
out  too  far.  But  perfect  as  these  are,  they  sink  into  insig 
nificance,  in  comparison  with  the  masterly  address  of  a 
toast  which  he  has  recently  sent  into  the  very  head  quarters 
of  the  rebellion.  All  Quodlibet  is  in  extacy  with  this  piece  of 
management.  The  toast  is  addressed  to  the  Working  Men 
of  Worcester,  Massachusetts.  It  is  in  itself,  a  miniature 
oration  of  dainty  advice — a  rare  posy  of  multum  in  parvo; 
and,  as  an  effort  of  clever  Quodlibetarianism,  unmatched  in 
the  effusions  of  all  our  great  men.  If  it  does  not  wholly 
repel,  abrogate,  annul  and  scatter  to  the  four  winds  of 
heaven,  all  remembrance  of  that  unfortunate  speech  for 
lowering  wages,  then  there  is  no  virtue  left  in  the  democ 
racy. 

My  reader  shall  peruse  this  gem  of  reconciliation. 

•'  THE  LABORING  CLASSES. — The  laws  of  God  and  the 
constitution  of  this  free  country,  have  placed  them  on  an 
equality  with  the  proudest  of  their  employers.  In  the 
onward  march  of  public  opinion,  a  lustrum  will  not  elapse 
before  the  petty  tyrant,  who  would  degrade  them  from  the 
sovereign  rank  of  independent  citizens,  by  threatening  them 


236  QUODLIBET. 

with  the  loss  of  employment,  unless  they  should  exercise 
the  right  of  suffrage  according  to  his  dictation,  will  himself 
be  an  enemy  and  traitor  to  our  free  institutions." 

This  sentiment,  of  course,  must  strike  every  working- 
man,  as  manifesting  an  extreme  interest  in  his  welfare,  on 
the  part  of  its  author; — because  it  evidently  shows,  that  the 
author  is  fully  of  opinion  that  the  working  people  ought  to 
be  told  that  they  are  FREEMEN,  and  have  rights  as  well  as 
others — a  fact  that  had  never  been  communicated  to  them 
before,  and  concerning  which,  it  is  presumed,  they  have  re 
mained  in  total  ignorance. 

The  toast  had  a  peculiarly  stimulating  effect  upon  Neal 
Hopper,  who  works  for  Christy  McCurdy  at  the  Mill,  and 
always  votes  against  him.  He  proposed  a  meeting  of  the 
New  Light  Club,  and  gathered  all  the  laboring  men  of  Quod- 
libet  to  attend  it.  Several  very  pithy  speeches  were  made 
in  commendation  of  the  useful  hint  which  the  senator  of 
Pennsylvania  had  imparted  to  his  countrymen;  resolutions 
of  thanks  were  adopted,  to  be  conveyed  to  him  for  his  sud 
den  anxiety  to  enlighten  the  laboring  classes;  and  the  whole 
proceedings  wound  up  with  a  toast,  in  cold  water,  which 
had  been  prepared  on  the  spur  of  the  moment  by  Theodore 
Fog  and  offered  by  Neal  Hopper — the  same  being  drunk 
with  loud  cheers,  and  a  copy  ordered  to  be  sent  to  the  gen 
tleman  in  whose  honor  it  was  given.  It  was  in  these  words: 

"  THE  SENATOR  OF  PENNSYLVANIA. — The  Constitution 
has  placed  kirn  on  an  equality  with  the  proudest  of  his  em 
ployers.  In  the  onward  march  of  public  opinion,  not  even 
the  fifth  part  of  a  lustrum  will  elapse  before  the  Petty  Ty 
rant,  who  would  degrade  him  from  the  rank  of  an  inde 
pendent  statesman  by  threatening  him  with  the  loss  of  em 
ployment  unless  he  should  exercise  the  right  of  suffrage  ac 
cording  to  his  dictation,  will  himself  be  considered  an  enemy 
and  traitor  to  our  free  institutions." 


QUODLIBET.  237 

Thus  happily  ended  a  mistake  which,  in  its  origin,  threat 
ened  so  much  injury  to  our  cause.  If,  after  the  toast  I 
have  noticed,  and  the  laudatory  response  to  it  from  our  New 
Lights  in  Quodlibet,  there  can  be  any  working-man  so 
stony-hearted  as  to  refuse  to  be  lopped  in  his  wages  and  to 
vote  as  our  Great,  New  Light,  Quodlibetarian  Democratic 
Chief  shall  command — then  let  him  join  the  British  Whigs! 
we  wash  our  hands  of  him. 

To  compensate  us  for  whatever  detriment  we  might  have 
suffered  by  this  mishap,  the  passage  of  the  Independent 
Treasury  bill  has  brought  us  fresh  occasion  of  rejoicing  and 
confidence.  After  a  long  and,  as  Tom  Crop  says,  a  bloody 
struggle,  Lo!  it  is  at  last  the  law  of  the  land,  and  all  our 
wishes  are  crowned.  "  It  is,"  as  Mr.  Flam  has  declared, 
"  the  unmingled,  unaided,  spontaneous  result  of  popular 
sagacity — springing  not  from  executive  dictation,  nor  the 
influence  of  party  discipline,  but  from  the  intuitive  and  in 
stinctive  wisdom  of  millions  of  freemen  ground  to  the  dust 
by  the  tyrannical  pressure  of  associated  wealth.  It  is  the 
law  of  the  land  in  spite  of  the  groans  of  merchants,  the  wail- 
ings  of  agriculturists,  and  the  murmurs  of  mechanics.  It 
seals  the  fortune  of  our  Great  chief,  and  proclaims  the  im 
mortal  triumph  of  the  New  Light  Democracy." 

When  the  tidings  of  this  joyful  event  reached  us  in  Quod 
libet,  our  first  care  was  to  fire  one  hundred  guns;  the  next 
was  to  illuminate  the  Borough,  and  to  bring  out  all  our  flags 
and  lanterns:  after  this  the  New  Lights  were  called  together 
in  the  Court  House,  where  addresses  were  delivered  by  Aga 
memnon  Flag  and  Theodore  Fog — the  latter  of  whom  ac 
tually  outdid  himself  in  an  effort  that  would  have  exalted 
the  fame  of  Patrick  Henry:  and  to  close  this  jubilee,  the 
Central  Committee  passed  a  resolution  declaring  the  hill  the 
Second  Declaration  of  Independence.  For  this  brilliant 


238  QUODLIBET. 

series  of  events,  we  have  to  thank  that  sturdy  devotion  to 
State  Rights  which  shone  with  such  conspicuous  lustre  in 
the  annihilation  of  New  Jersey  by  the  New  Lights,  in  the 
House  of  Representatives.  But  for  that  glorious  stroke  of 
policy  the  bill  would  again  have  been  crushed  by  the  ser 
pent  of  opposition.  Now  that  we  have  gained  it,  British 
Federal  Whiggery  is  forever  prostrate. 

A  fortnight  after  this  event  brought  us  the  cheering  tid 
ings  from  Louisiana,  to  which  many  an  anxious  eye  had 
been  turned.  The  elections  there  have  resulted  in  a  splen 
did  victory — a  victory,  indeed,  not  indicated  by  the  polls, 
where  the  majority  was  seemingly  increased  against  us — but 
manifested  in  the  spirit  with  which  our  people  every  where 
received  the  tidings.  Until  this  spirit  became  manifest,  it 
might  be  said  our  hopes  were  even  wavering;  but  forthwith 
an  unwonted  confidence  in  our  success  has  spread  abroad. 
The  sagacious  Mr.  Doubleday,  whose  face  may  be  called 
the  barometer  of  our  party,  and  to  whom  we  all  look  for 
predictions  of  the  future,  now  wears  a  countenance  wreathed 
in  smiles,  and  tells  us  that,  from  what  he  knows  of  the 
changeableness  of  that  state,  "  we  may  make  ourselves  alto 
gether  certain  of  the  victory  in  the  fall." 

In  running  over  the  events  of  the  day,  nothing  is  more 
deserving  of  our  animadversion,  than  the  ostentatious  dis 
play,  by  the  British  Federal  Tory  Whigs,  of  the  changes 
amongst  the  people  against  the  New  Light  Democracy; — as 
if  here  and  there  the  change  of  some  recreant  Democrat, 
who  is  afraid  to  follow  his  leader  and  chooses  to  have  opin 
ions  of  his  own,  could  stay  the  mighty  torrent  of  attachment 
to  the  fortunes  of  our  Chief.  We  do  not  deny  these  changes; 
but  rather  rejoice  that  men,  so  little  worthy  of  being  called 
true  Quods,  should  leave  our  standard  to  the  tried  soldiers 
who  have  marched  behind  it  in  all  its  vicissitudes,  and  fought 


QUODLIBET.  239 

its  battles  through  the  whole  field  of  political  experiment. 
By  such  only  can  our  glorious  cause  be  upheld.  But  we 
can  recount  changes  as  well  as  they. 

I  might  select  thousands  from  our  newspapers;  and  I  for 
bear  to  do  so,  only  because  I  think  it  unworthy  of  the  good 
sense  of  a  Quod  to  parade  the  names  of  converts  to  our 
party;  thus  assimilating,  as  it  were,  the  people  to  a  flock  of 
sheep,  and  expecting  that  more  will  follow  because  many 
have  gone  before. 

There  is,  however,  one  case  which  I  am  sure  I  shall  be 
excused  for  bringing  before  my  reader.  It  is  that  of  the 
Dibble  family  of  Wisconsin.  It  was  brought  to  the  notice 
of  our  Central  Committee  by  Zachary  Younghusband,  who 
came  into  possession  of  the  original  manuscript  through  a 
brother  Postmaster,  Mr.  Straddle,  who  resides  in  the  neigh 
borhood  of  the  converted  family,  and  who,  in  fact,  was  the 
amanuensis  used  upon  the  occasion.  Our  Committee  thought 
this  document  of  sufficient  importance  to  be  copied  into  the 
Whole  Hog:  from  whence  it  is  likely  to  be  transferred  into 
every  New  Light  Democratic  paper  of  the  country.  It  cer 
tainly  exhibits  very  conclusive  as  well  as  very  abundant  rea 
sons  for  change;  and  may  be  said  to  contain  the  best  epitome 
of  the  popular  objections  of  the  New  Lights  to  the  election 
of  General  Harrison  which  has  yet  appeared  in  print.  An 
aged  and  widowed  father  with  five  sons — all  heretofore 
steeped  to  the  lips  in  the  slough  of  British  Whiggery — have 
had  the  independence  to  rise,  in  the  majesty  of  freemen,  and 
boldly  assert  the  highest  prerogative  of  an  American  citi 
zen — the  right  of  thinking,  speaking,  and  voting  in  such 
manner  as  a  patriotic,  disinterested,  New  Light  Postmaster, 
whose  opinions  are  above  all  suspicion,  might  direct  them. 
The  letter  of  this  never-sufficiently-to-be-admired  family  will 
speak  for  itself.  I  have  only  to  remark  that,  in  transcribing 
it,  I  have  taken  the  liberty  to  correct,  what  indeed  I  must  call, 


240  QUODLIBET. 

some  glaring  faults  in  the  orthography — which  are  to  be 
attributed  solely  to  Mr.  Straddle,  the  Postmaster,  who  re 
duced  the  instrument  to  wilting,  and  who,  by  the  bye,  let 
me  say,  should  be  advised  to  give  more  of  his  attention  to 
the  useful  art  of  spelling — but  in  no  other  point  altering 
word,  syllable,  or  letter. 

It  is  somewhat  fancifully  headed 

"  GO  IT,  YE  CRIPPLES. 

*'  This  is  to  give  notice,  that  we  who  have  put  our  sign- 
manuals  to  the  foot  thereof,  being  till  now  snorting  Whigs, 
having  heard  our  Postmaster,  Clem  Straddle,  Esq.,  say  that 
he  knows  General  Harrison  sold  five  white  men  as  slaves 
off  his  plantation,  and  is  for  Abolition,  and  whipped  four 
naked  women  on  their  bare  backs,  and  is  for  imprisonment 
for  debt,  and  moreover  is  for  making  a  King,  and  goes  for 
raising  the  expenses  of  the  Government  up  to  fifteen  mil 
lions,  and  is  a  coward  and  wears  petticoats,  and  is  kept  in 
a  cage,  and  wants  to  reduce  wages,  and  for  that  purpose  is 
a  going  to  have  a  standing  army  of  two  hundred  thousand 
men,  which  our  free  and  independent  spirits  wont  bear,  and 
wants  to  give  the  public  money,  which  comes  from  the  sweat 
of  our  brows,  and  public  lands,  to  Sam.  Swartwout  and 
Price,  and  a  gang  of  British  Whigs,  which  we  consider 
against  the  Constitution,  and  moreover  we  dont  believe  he 
wont  answer,  and  has  got  no  principles  excepting  them 
what  he  used  to  have,  and  is  against  the  Independent  Trea 
sury  which  was  signed  Fourth  of  July,  whereby  it  is  the 
Declaration  of  Independence;  and  the  aforesaid  Clem  Strad 
dle,  Esq.,  which  write th  this  for  us  and  in  our  names,  being 
against  all  office-holders  which  the  British  Whigs  is  a  stri 
ving  after,  and  tells  us  to  vote  for  Van  Buren,  we  being  an 
affectionate  father  and  five  orphan  children  without  any  mo 
ther,  and  never  had  any  since  infancy,  make  known  that  in 


QUODLIBET.  241 

the  next  Presidential  election  in  this  Territory,  if  we  had  a 
vote,  and  if  not  we  shall  vote  in  Missouri,  we  goes  against 
Tip.  and  Ty.  and  all  that  disgusting  mummery  of  Log 
Cabins,  Hard  Cider,  Coonskins,  Possums,  and  Gourds,  in 
regard  of  their  lowering  morals,  and  goes  for  Jackson,  Hick 
ory  Poles,  Whole  Hogs,  and  Van  Buren,  as  witness  our 
hands  and  seals. 

his 

MALACHI  +  DIBBLE,  Parent. 

mark. 

his 

WASHINGTON  -J-  DIBBLE. 

mark, 
his 

JEFFERSON  +  DIBBLE. 

mark. 

MADISON  DIBBLE. 
FAYETTE  DIBBLE. 

his 

SQUINTUS  CURTIUS  +  DIBBLE. 

mark. 

JVb/e. — Washington  and  Jefferson  is  voters,  Madison  and 
Fayette  is  at  school,  and  signs  for  themselves,  and  Squintus 
Curtius  is  going  on  nine." 

This  letter,  it  will  be  admitted  by  all  unprejudiced  per 
sons,  bears  the  most  expressive  testimony  to  the  natural  and 
unsophisticated  character  of  its  authors;  and  furnishes  us 
gratifying  evidence  that  the  great  Reform,  which  it  has  been 
the  labor  of  our  committee  to  promote,  has  begun  at  the 
right  end,  and  that  the  result  must  be  the  infallible  and  uni 
versal  triumph  of  New  Light  Democracy  over  the  whole 
Union. 

Upon  the  adjournment  of  congress,  late  in  July,  the  Hon. 

Middleton  Flam  returned  to  Quodlibet,  to  infuse  new  energy 

into  our  indefatigable  committee.     Through  him  we  were 

apprised  of  many  matters  of  deep  interest,  touching  the  pro- 

21 


242  QUODLIBET. 

gress  of  the  campaign,  which  was  now  growing  amazingly 
active.  Being  in  the  confidence  of  the  president  and  Amos 
Kendall,  he  could  tell  us  divers  things  which  were  not  in 
trusted  to  the  party  at  large;  and  let  us  into  the  secrets  of 
the  little  and  big  wheels  which  were  at  work  in  Washing 
ton  and  other  places.  Amos,  we  were  glad  to  learn  from 
him,  had  entirely  recovered  his  health  by  the  change  from 
the  corrupt  atmosphere  of  the  post  office  to  the  wholesome 
air  of  the  Globe's  type-room:  the  "  excitement  of  compo 
sition,"  Mr.  Flam  said,  daily  brought  a  fresh  glow  upon  his 
cheek — and  particularly  in  the  writing  of  some  late  articles 
against  General  Harrison;  and  his  children,  upon  the  whole, 
slept  better  than  formerly — having  insensibly  grown  more 
indifferent  to  the  Whig  victories  which  at  first  produced  such 
unhappy  effects  upon  their  slumbers. 

Mr.  Van  Buren,  our  observant  representative  also  in 
formed  us,  was  a  good  deal  nettled  at  the  people  for  their 
restiveness  at  his  standing  army  scheme,  and  thought  that 
our  New  Lights  in  congress  had  behaved  in  a  very  cowardly 
and  shameful  manner  in  regard  to  it.  He  whispered  to  Mr. 
Flam  that,  notwithstanding  all  this  pother,  it  was  an  ad 
mirable  democratic  scheme,  and  should  eventually  become 
the  law  in  spite  of  lamentations  in  congress  or  elsewhere: 
that  the  opposition  to  it  now  was  no  greater  than  that  to  the 
Independent  Treasury  in  1835,  and  as  he  had  carried  the 
one,  so  he  would  the  other.  For  the  present,  he  said,  he 
was  obliged  to  succumb  to  the  people;  and  it  was  the  first 
time  he  had  ever  been  reduced  to  this  point  of  humiliation 
since  he  was  President.  But  it  was  a  case  of  necessity 
and  he  had  no  alternative.  He  had  consequently  determined 
to  write  a  letter  and  insinuate  some  doubts  as  to  the  con 
stitutionality  of  the  plan;  and  in  the  mean  time  Mr.  Poin- 
sett,  who  was  of  that  best  description  of  friends,  a  friend 
in  needy  had  very  obligingly,  and  like  a  faithful  New  Light, 


QUODLIBET.  243 

agreed  to  stand  between  him  and  the  storm,  and  take  the 
whole  blame  upon  himself.  All  these  movements  have 
been  subsequently  developed,  in  confirmation  of  Mr.  Flam's 
communication  to  our  committee;  and  the  whole  matter  is 
before  the  public. 

The  President,  our  member  further  told  us,  was  greatly 
annoyed  at  the  impertinent  curiosity  of  the  Whigs  in  re 
gard  to  some  passages  in  his  past  history,  especially  his 
vote  on  the  Missouri  question  and  his  denial,  in  the  New 
York  convention,  of  the  right  of  suffrage  to  old  soldiers 
whilst  he  was  giving  it  to  free  negroes.  These  matters  the 
Whigs  got  out  of  that  Book  of  Holland's  which  was  written 
before  Mr.  Van  Buren  was  inoculated  with  Southern  prin 
ciples,  and  when,  in  fact,  he  was  rather  looking  to  the  op 
posite  point  of  the  compass.  He  spoke  of  these  subjects  as  of 
an  abstract  character,  belonging,  as  he  said,  to  Geographical 
Metaphysics,  and  he  thought  it  therefore  unjust  to  bring 
them  into  the  present  canvass.  And  there  was  the  affair  of 
the  Negro  Witnesses,  which  also,  Mr.  Flam  remarked,  de 
prived  the  President  of  his  natural  rest.  But  these  are  the 
common  vexations  of  statesmanship;  and  if  it  were  not  for 
the  President's  thorough  endoctrination  in  the  Quodlibe- 
tarian  philosophy  would  go  nigh  to  affect  his  brain.  As  it 
is,  he  is  very  sorry,  Mr.  Flam  assures  us,  for  these  old 
errors;  has  completely  changed  in  regard  to  the  whole 
of  them;  and  is  now  busily  employed  every  day  in  writing 
letters  to  convince  the  people  that  they  are  mere  Whig  mis 
representations. 

Upon  the  subject  of  the  Tariff  and  the  Cumberland  Road, 
notwithstanding  that  the  New  Lights  have,  somewhat  in 
considerately,  gone  against  the  constitutional  power  to 
meddle  with  them,  Mr.  Van  Buren  has  confidentially  dis 
closed  to  Mr.  Flam,  (who  in  the  same  confidence  has 
imparted  it  to  the  Committee,)  that,  for  the  present  at  least,  he 


244  QUODLIBET. 

means  to  see-saw  a  little  on  these  points,  and,  in  the  Qodlibe- 
tarian  fashion,  take  his  course  hereafter.  This  determina 
tion,  we  have  reason  to  believe,  will  furnish  the  author  of 
the  Worcester  Toast  another  opportunity  of  displaying  his 
skill  in  drawing  in  his  horns — that  worthy  Senator  being 
supposed  to  have  got  into  an  ultra  position  on  this  subject, 
from  not  being  sufficiently  cautious,  in  marching,  to  "  dress 
by  the  right."  "  Upon  the  whole,"  Mr.  Flam  says,  "so  far 
are  these  imputations,  vexations  and  variations  from  doing 
Mr.  Van  Buren  any  harm  in  the  canvass,  they,  in  fact, 
only  the  more  endear  him  to  his  friends,  and  strengthen  his 
chance  of  reelection,  since  they  prove  the  more  conclusively, 
that  he  is  personally  experienced  in  the  pros  and  cons  of 
every  great  question,  by  having  been  on  both  sides,  and  has 
thereby  rendered  himself  more  competent  to  decide  as  a 
statesman  what  is  most  likely  to  enure  to  the  benefit  of  his 
party.  We  shall  see,"  continued  Mr.  Flam,  "a  triumphant 
vindication  of  the  President's  influence  over  the  people,  in 
the  results  of  the  Western  and  Southern  elections  which 
are  immediately  to  take  place.  Indiana  is  surely  with  us; 
even  Kentucky  is  shaking  in  the  wind;  and  North  Caro 
lina  will  speak  in  a  voice  of  thunder,  in  condemnation  of 
British  Whiggery.  Depend  upon  that.  Our  information  is 
of  the  most  exact  and  authentic  character.  Read  Amos 
Kendall's  health-inspiring  paragraphs,  replete  with  the  soul 
of  truth,  and  no  faithful  Quod  can  for  a  moment  doubt  the 
result." 

Accordingly  we  wait  in  anxious  but  cheerful  suspense  to 
hear  of  the  elections. 

Some  nervous  New  Lights  affect  to  see  signs  of  alarm, 
in  the  fact  that  the  President  should  find  occasion  so  fre 
quently  to  write  letters  over  the  country,  touching  the  affairs 
of  the  election;  that  the  Vice  President  should  be  obliged 
to  mount  his  horse  and  peddle  in  politics,  as  he  does  from 


QUODLIBET.  245 

town  to  town;  and  that  even  the  Old  Lion  of  the  Hermitage 
should,  now  and  then,  let  off  a  roar  to  frighten  the  British 
Whigs.  But  what  can  be  more  consistent  with  the  prin 
ciples  and  professions  of  our  new  creed  ?  Have  we  not  ex 
ploded  Mr.  Jefferson's  old  and  unprofitable  notion  that  the 
office  holders  ought  not  to  interfere  with  the  freedom  of  the 
elective  franchise  ?  Is  it  not  a  fundamental  point  with  us 
that  the  offices  are  "  the  spoils,"  and  that  the  men  who  hold 
them  ought  to  fight  for  them  ?  How  appropriate  then  is  it 
that  our  greatest  officers  should  be  in  the  very  front  of  the 
battle  ?  Besides,  we  should  not  have  considered  Mr.  Van 
Buren  worthy  of  that  high  place  we  have  assgined  him  in  the 
Quodlibetarian  school,  if  he  did  not  set  himself  to  work  to 
mystify  every  unpleasant  matter  of  fact  which  might  come 
out  against  him.  His  letters  are  models  for  the  instruction 
of  future  New  Light  Statesmen,  and  therefore  deserve  the 
attention  not  only  of  his  contemporaries,  but  of  all  coming 
generations. 

A  few  instances  will  make  this  clear  to  every  man's  per 
ception. 

A  committee  of  his  friends  in  Illinois,  being  troubled  at 
the  charge  against  him  regarding  the  Negro  suffrage  and 
the  qualification  which  excluded  white  citizens,  gathered 
from  his  biographer — not  doubting  that  he  could  explain  the 
matter  to  their  satisfaction,  very  indiscreetly,  before  the 
election,  question  him  thereon;  and  especially  demand  whe 
ther  Holland's  representations  be  true  !  With  admirable 
frankness  Mr.  Van  Buren  assures  them  that  he  will  an 
swer  at  another  time:  and,  in  the  meanwhile,  gives  these 
friends  reason  to  infer  that  it  is  quite  likely  Holland's  book 
is  a  forgery.  Which  subtle  response,  every  man  must  see, 
cuts  up  byxthe  root  every  little  item  of  fact  the  British  Whigs 
might  get  out  of  that  volume  to  his  prejudice.  Vir  sapit  qui 
pauca  loquitur. 

21* 


246  QDODLIBET. 

And  again: — It  is  a  good  New  Light  maxim,  when  a  po 
litician  is  suspected  of  any  unwholesome  opinion,  to  repel 
the  effect  of  this  suspicion  by  the  casual  but  frequent  repeti 
tion  of  words  and  sentiments  which,  in  the  popular  judgment, 
shall  be  held  to  contradict  it.  Of  this  point  of  tactics  we 
have  a  pregnant  example  in  another  of  these  letters. 

Mr.  Van  Buren  has  been  charged  by  some  captious  per 
sons  with  slighting  the  intelligence  of  the  people,  in  regard  to 
some  of  his  prominent  acts,  and,  in  fact,  of  practising  upon 
what  he  assumed  to  be  the  ignorance  of  those  who  have 
been  accustomed  to  vote  for  him  and  his  measures  because 
he  has  called  them  democrats.  Now  having  some  little 
misgivings  that  possibly  this  might  be  believed,  he  invariably 
fills  his  letters,  as  if  it  were  accidentally,  with  reiterated 
compliments  to  the  good  sense  of  the  people.  Thus,  he  re 
marks  in  a  recent  famous  epistle  of  his: 

"  The  Intelligence  and  virtue  of  our  people  have  triumphed 
over  art,  panic  and  pressure" — 

— "  the  Intelligence  and  firmness  of  our  people  are  equal 
to  any  emergency" — 

— "  the  most  gratifying  evidences  have  been  furnished 
that  our  people  are,  in  Intelligence  and  integrity  and  deter 
mined  resolution,  equal  to  the  task  of  self  government" — 

— "in  the  triumph  of  the  Independent  Treasury  we 
witness  the  triumph  of  the  popular  Intelligence  and  firm 
ness"— 

— "  on  these  evidences  of  popular  Intelligence  and  firm 
ness  the  republican  patriot  rests  with  well  grounded  faith." 
All  of  which  reiterations  the  curious  reader,  upon  exami 
nation,  may  find   in   five   consecutive   paragraphs  of  the 
same  letter. 

This  stratagem  of  Rhetoric  has  a  marvellous  effect  upon 
our  new  Lights;  as  we  had  occasion  to  observe  a  few  days 
ago,  when  Mr.  Flam  read  this  epistle  aloud  to  a  consider- 


QfODLIBET.  247 

able  assemblage  of  our  people  who  had  gathered  together  in 
our  committee  room  to  hear  it.  At  every  recurrence  of  the 
word  Intelligence  a  loud  clapping  of  hands  evinced  the  sense 
of  the  meeting  at  the  token  of  approbation  thus  conferred 
upon  them  by  the  President:  and,  at  its  conclusion,  old  Mr. 
Snuffers  wiped  his  eyes  with  his  handkerchief — for  it  had 
affected  him  to  tears — and  remarked  aloud,  «*  that  if  any  man 
after  that  could  doubt  Mr.  Van  Buren's  democracy,  he  must 
have  the  head  of  an  infidel  and  the  heart  of  a  Turk." 

There  was  one  sentiment  in  this  letter  that  particularly 
delighted  Mr.  Flam,  and  upon  which  he  paused  with  an 
inward  gratification  that  for  some  moments  interrupted  his 
reading.  The  eloquence  and  the  philosophy  of  the  senti 
ment  must  be  my  excuse  for  inserting  it  here.  He  is  speak 
ing  of  the  opposition  of  the  Federalists  to  the  Kentucky 
Resolutions: 

"  While  even  the  name,"  says  he,  "  of  the  proud  and 
powerful  party  which  opposed  them,  has  come  to  be  con 
sidered  a  term  of  reproach,  if  not  of  ignominy  and  insult, 
the  principles  of  the  Kentucky  Resolutions,  in  profession,  if 
not  in  fact,  now  enter  into  the  creed  of  every  political  sect, 
and  the  once  derided  name  borne  by  their  apostates  and 
advocates  is  considered  an  essential  passport  to  popularity 
and  success.11 

How  satisfactorily  does  this  emanation  of  the  President's 
secret  mind  explain  the  motive  and  the  source  of  his  own 
New  Light  Democracy!  How  indelibly  does  it  fix  upon 
Henry  Clay  and  the  thousands  who,  for  a  quarter  of  a  cen 
tury,  have  fought  at  his  side  in  the  great  struggle  to  disarm 
the  President  of  his  power — that  name  of  ignominy  and 
insult  which  is  attached  to  all  who  opposed  the  Kentucky 
Resolutions! 

It  is  wonderful  to  contemplate  the  influence  of  these  mas 
ter  minds  upon  our  Quodlibetarian  friends.  The  President 


248  QUODLIBET. 

scarcely  drops  a  sentiment  from  his  pen  before  it  becomes 
as  it  were  expanded  into  the  common  air  of  Democracy. 
The  Globe  usually  leads  off:  the  Whole  Hog  follows;  and 
upon  their  heels  the  Scrutiniser  with  all  the  Rank  and  File 
of  Typographs,  brings  up  a  glorious  chorus  of  repetition 
which  leaves  no  hill  or  valley,  mountain  or  plain  in  the 
whole  land  uninstructed  in  the  Presidential  utterances.  Thus 
is  it,  even  now,  with  this  tribute  to  the  intelligence  and  firm 
ness  of  the  people,  and  this  stigma  of  ignominy  and  insult 
upon  the  old  Federalists. 

The  Hon.  Middleton  Flam,  Theodore  Fog,  Agememnon 
Flag  and  Zachary  Youngbusband,  (for  Zachary  has  turned 
orator  of  late,)  and,  without  vaunting,  I  myself  may  say  that 
the  importance  of  the  crisis  has  even,  on  some  recent  occa 
sions,  placed  me  in  the  same  category — we  all  give  breath 
to  the  same  sentiment  in  speeches  by  day  and  by  night,  and 
"  the  same  key  note,"  to  quote  a  studied  and  prepared  figure 
of  speech  from  an  admirable  oration  delivered  last  week  by 
Agamemnon  Flag  in  front  of  the  Iron  Railing — "The  same 
Key  Note  of  the  Intelligence  of  the  People  rings  in  the 
discourses  of  five  thousand  Orators,  and  jangles  in  twenty 
thousand  resolutions  of  New  Light  Democratic  Clubs  from 
the  St.  Croix  to  the  Sabine;  and  through  all  the  windings  of 
its  devious  way  the  Ignominy  and  the  Insult  of  federalism 
murmur  on  the  ear  in  inseparable  treble  accompaniment." 

POSTSCRIPT. 

We  have  just  received  in  Quodlibet  the  news  from  Ken 
tucky,  Indiana  and  North  Carolina.  We  are  lost  in  amaze 
ment  !  Our  cause  is  no  longer  in  doubt.  Whatever  mis 
givings  we  may  have  heretofore  entertained,  all  have  van 
ished.  The  majorities,  Mr.  Doubleday  accounts  for  in  the 
most  satisfactory  manner, — and  though  ostensibly  on  the 
side  of  the  British  Whigs,  they  have  yet  been  obtained  in 


QUODLIBET.  249 

such  a  manner  as  to  render  us  perfectly  certain  of  success 
"  in  the  Fall." 

Nim  Porter  offers  an  even  bet  of  one  thousand  dollars  on 
the  result,  and  is  willing  to  increase  it  to  ten. 

SECOND  POSTSCRIPT. 

Alabama,  Illinois  and  Missouri  are  in,  at  the  office  of  The 
Whole  Hog.  Eliphalet  Fox  is  stark  mad  with  delirious 
joy.  To  outward  appearance  something  is  gained  by  the 
enemy;  but  Mr.  Doubleday  says  it  is  altogether  illusory, 
and  that,  in  fact,  he  has  never  been  truly  confident  until 
now.  He  repeats  his  assurance,  that  we  must,  from  the 
signs,  inevitably  carry  all  before  us  "  in  the  Fall." 

Nim  Porter  is  willing  to  double  his  bets. 

GENTLE  reader,  I  have  performed  my  covenant.  Quod 
meum  fuit  praestiti.  What  content  these  chronicles,  and  the 
poor  skill  with  which  they  are  set  forth,  may  have  brought  to 
our  respectable  Committee,  I  am  in  no  position  to  decide; 
since  I  know  that  an  author  is  seldom  honestly  commended 
to  his  face.  That  there  is  division  of  opinion  on  this  mat 
ter  I  am  aware;  for  upon  the  reading  at  the  last  meeting  on 
Wednesday  night,  I  could  not  fail  to  observe  certain  signs 
of  dissent,  if  not  of  displeasure,  passing  between  Eliphalet 
Fox  and  Zachary  Younghusband;  and  that  more  than  once. 
But  Mr.  Flam,  who  has  always  shown  himself  a  true  friend 
and  patron  to  me,  took  up  my  cause  with  such  spirit  and 
effect,  being  well  supported  by  Mr.  Doubleday  and  Mr. 
Snuffers — that  a  unanimous  vote  of  approbation  was  finally 
passed  by  the  Committee.  Thus  sheltered  under  the  shield 
of  triple  brass  and  tough  bull  hide  of  our  Grand  Central 
Committee,  I  cheerfully  submit  my  labors  to  the  judgment 
of  the  good  folks  of  Quodlibet;  promising,  if  they  approve 


350  QUODLIBET. 

and  should  again  call  me  to  the  desk,  to  contribute  what  my 
opportunity  may  allow  to  the  better  elucidation  of  their  char 
acter,  both  social  and  public,  wherein  it  is  manifest  an  eager 
desire  to  be  instructed  hath  lately  grown  up  in  this  nation. 
Non  sum  qui  oblivionis  artem,  quam  memoriae  mallem. 

SOLOMON  SECOND-THOUGHTS,  Schoolmaster. 


THE  END. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below, 
or  on  the  date  to  which  renewed.  Renewals  only- 
Tel.  No.  642-3405 

Renewals  may  be  made  4  days  priod  to  date  due. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall 


MAY  2  i  78 


BC.CIR- 


NOV  2  5 1986 


,     ':     '       ,.    /'          ) 


r. 

.  '?-. 


LD21A-60m-8,'70  ,   .General  Library 

(N8837slO)476 — A-32  University  of  California         .. 

Berkeley 


(jSSuiO)47«B  Berkeley 


GENERAL  LIBRARY    U.C.  BERKELEY 


